"The strong must protect the Sweet.

"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family."-Homer .J. Simpson

"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

"Homer no function beer well without.

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. "

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Bart: What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im.

Homer: Oh! And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember that time I took a home wine making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Homer: If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

Homer (giving a lecture on marriage): What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Homer (reading Internet for Dummies): Wow... they've got the Internet on computers now?

Marge: You know, it's funny... your father and my mother both seem very lonely.
Homer: Tee hee hee hee hee! That is funny!

Homer: A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.

Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal.
 

Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef injection! (Hands him a hot dog)

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
 

Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."

Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.
(Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmm... sacrelicious.

Homer: Mmmm... beer.

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola.

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Homer: Mmmm... free goo.

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step... slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk...

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch)
(cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.

Homer: Mmmmm... floor pie.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably)

Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh.

Homer: Mmmm... soylent green.

Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.

Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was painful and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"): "The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday!

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
 

Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).

Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy.
 

Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical.
 

Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.

Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!

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