UPDATED 05/27/08

Almost another yeah, eh? Well... good news and bad news. I got a new website. Was this one not meeting my needs? Eh... I don't really know. It was just more convienent this way. The new website features changing banners to reflect the stories and is less focused on me. Yay! It's called Apartment 82... a slightly ironic name since as of this post, I am the only resident on the lease for the actual Apartment 82. Nick is getting married and Shawn has moved out. My best wishes to them in the future. We're still hanging out and I'm going to continue this stupid memory thing. Visit the new site, please... www.apartment82.weebly.com

Two. Freakin. Years. If I have ANY views after this, I'll be amazed. Did I give up? Sorta... kinda... Why am I back? I've got some crazy go nuts ideas and this is the start to it all.

Remember when I said I was afraid Nick would become my main character? Well, he's the main character now. This update is a hint of what to expect. Something to chew on, and you'll probably see it in three years with the rate I'm going at, is Lord of the Rings: As told by Nick. (and starring Nick... in every role.)

Well... I'm sure you don't want to read anymore. So here's the good stuff! Nick's trip to Canada, and subsequent conquering of said Great White North.

Matias: My friends... this story is mine alone to tell. It's about my friend; a short man named Nicholas Wayne Montague.

This... this is the greatest and best story in the world.

You see a long time ago... roughly last week... I had a sit down with my roommate. You all know him as Nick. Now, some of you may remember the little animation I made about his plan to conquer Canada. Well... in real life, the plan didn't quite go that smoothly. There was no Shirley Temple involved... he didn't accidently conquer Poland... But there was a great battle... oh yes. He told me all about it...

You see, it all began when Nick, went to Canada. He had no malice toward that nation when he went, oh no. He simply had one desire: to obtain legitimate Canadian maple syrup. But when my friend reached Canada and prepared to purchase his syrup, he was shocked; shocked by the extremely high price of Canadian syrup.

"It was like... fifteen bucks! Which is roughly 2,000 dollars Canadian..." explained Nick.

I could easily see where he was upset and frustrated. On the other side of the border, identical syrup was much, much cheaper. He was paying, it seemed, for a maple leaf bottle. Well, any other man would have either left the shop without the syrup, or ponied up and bought the stuff. But not my roommate. His outrage could only be calmed by one thing: Conquest.

And so began the great war for Canada. Nick knew that, even with his own great might and rage, he could not conquer Canada on his own. So, he recruited an army; an army of great power and strength. An army of beavers. Now... not just any beavers. Nick recruited average beavers.

"Why, Nick" I asked "Did you recruit 'average' beavers?"

"Because," he answered "This was a war against the 'Man.' I had to recruit the average beavers to rise up against him. Recruiting the upper class beavers would have been pure hipocrisy."

"So," I continued "What became of the 'Elite' beavers, then? Did they join Canada against you?"

"No. You see, without the middle and lower class beavers below them, the whole idea of an upper class beaver collapsed. So, in the end, all beavers became the average beaver."

"So then, you united all beavers?"

"Yes. I want you to know that I appreciate all beavers. I am truly a lover of all beavers."

And so, with an army ready to fight by his side, Nick began his conquest of Canada. You may wonder how an army of beavers was able to strike against Canada. Well, Nick's plan was elegant in it simplistic irony: He struck the Maple trees.

City after city, province after province fell to Nick's might. The syrup of Canada was the bloodlife of the people, and without it, they had no will to fight.

"It was like Spice. When I cut them off from it, they grew weaker.... except there was none of that hallucination crap." explained Nick.

It was at this part of Nick's explanation that a thought occured to me. What about French Canada?

"French Canadia? Yes... they did see this as an opportunity to secede. I let them believe they had a chance, too, just to make things interesting."

"So it became a three front war?"

"Yes."

"So it was Canada, led by Prime Minister Harper, I assume..."

"Uh... sure."

"And French Canada..."

"French Canadia."

"Yes... French Canadia was led by...?"

"I don't know, some French guy."

"And then of course, the Beaver Army, led by you..."

"Yes. Me, Muad'Dib."

And so Nick had conquered all French Canadia and almost all of Canada. Everything was within his grasp.

"And you did all this by yourself? You led an entire army and conquered all those cities yourself?" I asked him.

"Well... I'd like to say I did, but truth be told, I did have help."

"You did? Who helped?"

"My warlord; My advisor. Wayne Gretsky. Without his help and his intimate knowledge of the Canadian mind, it would have been a much more drawn out war."

"And Boba Fett was there?"

"No, of course not! Boba Fett's not real. That's just the armor that Wayne Gretsky wore on the battlefield."

"And the silly straw?"

"Well, it's really hard to drink in that mask."

And so, with Canada on the verge of conquest, Nick plunged into their final hold out. He marched his army into the Northwest Territories... into the bitter cold.

"It was their last stand. I had them. There was nowhere left for them to run and without the Maple syrup, their army was nothing."

"So what happened?"

"I miscalculated."

"Miscalculated?"

"Yes... I didn't count on one thing about Canada."

"What's that?"

"That it was BALL NUMBINGLY COLD!"

"Cold?"

"Yes! Cold! It was horrible! I don't know what American Dad was talking about when they said Mexico was God's blindspot; Canada is!"

"Didn't you bring a coat or something?"

"No... I only brought the one change of clothes. I figured it'd be over in a couple of days."

And so Nick decided to end his campaign to conquer Canada. Peace talks began and Henry Kissinger himself was brought in from the future to negotiate.

"Yes... Kissinger was valuable at the peace talks... but he kept talking about ball sacks. I don't know what war he was fighting in. Maybe he was in the Navy."

"The Canadian Navy?"

"Yeah. Does Canada even have a Navy? All our battles were on land and I never really sent the beavers on any exploratory missions..."

"I understand how the peace talks went. Canada is pretty much back to normal now. But why, may I ask, did you give up your conquest in the first place? Was the cold really that bad?"

"It wasn't the cold, per se, that stopped me. It was what the cold made me realize."

"Which is?" I inquired.

"That, even I, as a tyranical dictator, could not do anything worse to them then what was already their fate. Them being Canadian was already worse then anything I could ever do."

And so... Nick's campaign ended and he returned to the US. I'm not sure how much of it was covered by the media; the whole thing only lasted about a week. But I do know that Nick left Canada a better person.

Now, I know telling this story means that I might upset a lot of people. I want Canadians to know I harbor them no ill will. If you have any complaints, well, I guess you should probably direct them at the star of this little show... hajjuwat AT hotmail DOT com For the rest of you, I hope you enjoyed the tale and I hope you'll come back soon. We have lots of new ideas in the works and, with a little luck, we'll be updating more often. Thanks and God bless... even Canada.

Memory #8 - The War of Beaver Aggression

Da' Links

My NEW website. Please look...
Penny Arcade - hilarious comics... and they hate Jack Thompson.
Strong Bad Emails - The freakin' funniest things ever.
8-bit Theatre - A really cool web comic. You should check it out.
The Wotch - Long running, and probably my favorite
Dueling Analogs - They copy VGcats...
Least I Could Do - should be on Adult Swim... maybe soon.
Misfile - Um... I swear, I dig it for the indepth story...
God Mode - under new management.. check it out
Flipside - Um... In depth story again?
The Archives - Check out my old stuff... just don't judge me too harshly.