Mikes school for rookies with rich parents...

MAFIA LESSONS

Mikey = My Key

Silence is golden

Now,KT, opening your big yapper is not always a bad thing. No one likes a loudmouth, but as long as it stays within the famiglia, it usually won't hurt the family. Now, by family I don't mean your actual family, but rather your business, your social club, etc. Suppose you are the CEO of a business. Revenues are strong, profit margins are nice and fat, cash flow is increasing... you get the picture. Then one night, while at a dinner party, after a few too many glasses of Chianti you decide it is time to open your big mouth and start talking trash about one of your customers. No big deal, you figure, it's all in good fun, some harmless gossip. Besides, he'll never find out. Little do you realize that the walls have ears and that so-and-so at the table knows Mr. You-Shouldn't-Have-Badmouthed-Him.

Next thing you know, that big customer of yours that is paying for your Lexus and that house in the Hamptons just cancelled all business dealings with you. Meanwhile, you wonder what happened, like the schmuck that you are. I'll tell you what happened, so sit down and listen Johnny boy: You insulted the man and he took his business elsewhere. You publicly broadcast issues that should have been settled man-to-man.

Never start rumours

Perhaps you started a rumour he didn't want anyone to know about. Would you want your wife finding out about that 21 year-old stripper with implants you've been seeing after hours? In fact, you might have a few skeletons of your own in your closet. How would you like it if others reciprocated and started shooting their mouths-off? Exactly. So my advice to you is keep your mouth shut, mind your business and pretend you don't know what's going on if you are in a bind. No point in being on the receiving end of some flying canoli when you could be enjoying a good laugh with everyone else.

One last thing while I'm on the subject (it's not like anyone is going to stop me!), all you need to do is open your mouth once at the wrong time and you will have a reputation that will stick for life. No one wants to be known as "that rat Pasquale" from the East side. People will not associate with you for business, or pleasure. In fact, if you open your mouth about the wrong thing to the wrong people, they might try to disassociate you... from your head. So keep your mouth shut, continue doing business and keep your friends.

So there you have it boys, it all boils down to one word: Omerta. Think you slack jaws can remember that? For your own sakes, I should hope so.

Mike aka That guy with the broken leg....

History of the nemesis

From the beginning of time,KT , great figures have always had nemeses. Moses had Ramses, Jesus had Judas, Bill Gates faced off against IBM, Rocky Marciano had…heck, Rock just beat up everybody (way to go, paysan!).

My point is that by having a nemesis -- someone that is out to get you and beat you to the ground -- you will be forced to become better at what you do. The fact that the other is preparing himself intellectually and physically for the big fight will force you to at least match his preparation, or risk being left to eat his dust in the long run.

Who can be your foe?

First of all, understand that you can have many enemies Mike aka Mikey aka TwinKingShadows is not your enemy (always remember, so quit fucking with is head, or trying at least). As you become more powerful in life, there will be more people lining up to knock you down than you ever thought possible. Why is that, you wonder? Because they want what you have. Can't they get their own? Of course they can, but they already have their own, and now they want your lunch. So guard your grill.

If you are the guy on the street like yours truly, you have to watch out for the heat, the cops, Luigi the fence, Guido the nose, the guy begging for change, my wife (if throwing a frying pan was an Olympic sport, she'd be a gold medallist!). Bottom line: I've got to watch my back all the time.

Now, if like most people you work in an office and are trying to move up the food chain, then you will be pitted against someone despicable (maybe not despicable, but you can hate them anyway). This person is most likely to snatch that promotion from right under you.

Identify your target

The first step is identifying your nemesis. To do this you have to identify what position you want, or where you want to be heading in the organisation. Chances are some other clown wants the job as well.

Each situation is different, but you can start by narrowing things down simply by seeing what each person's background is. If you are trying to move up to the position of marketing director from lowly marketing scrub, and the job requires a Bachelor's degree in marketing along with 5 years experience, the first thing you need to do is see who around you has those two qualifications.

Study the enemy

Once you've identified your opponents, you must look at the available candidates and see what their strengths and weaknesses are. You have to study them and see what they are capable of accomplishing.

Carefully study your enemy in order to assess how much of a threat they are and which one is most likely to be the greatest challenge. To do this you can simply talk to them, or you can ask others and take a look at what projects they have worked on, with whom and how well they performed.

By this point, you should have an accurate picture of their weaknesses and strengths, and now it's time to act accordingly.

Apply pressure

It's time to turn up the heat on your "pal". Here are a few things you can do to ensure that you'll win:

• Make sure to outwork him on every project you do together.
• Make sure to always do a better job than him.
• Make sure your boss knows you are the top dog -- in a subtle way.
• Make sure your co-workers like you more than him.
• "Forget" to mention important information to him.
• If the boss instructs you to do something specific, make sure it's the best work you can do and get it done ahead of schedule, if possible.
• Go beyond the call of duty. Do more than is required. You have to show initiative if you are to get to the top.

Work hard

This should give all you jabronis out there something to chew on for while. Remember one thing though: if you are to make it to the top, you will have to work your butt off. You will have to put in crazy hours and work when you'd rather be hanging out with your favourite mistress.

And while you are out there working your knuckles to the bone, don't forget to keep an eye out on the other guy who's trying to eat your lunch. You are probably his nemesis too and chances are he's playing the same game as you… which is why you must take things to the next level and win. I don't like losers so go out there and make mincemeat out of the punk.

Just when I thought I'd seen it all, I got the surprise of my life this week. KT got voted as my Godmother. When I started out in the business, there was this kid in the neighborhood named Mike who ill call little Jimmy. We called him Little Jimmy because he was... well, little. I know, very original, now shut up and pay attention.

Little Jimmy grew up around the guys and me, and I could tell he wanted to be part of the lifestyle. He went through all the right steps, built his chops up real good and was finally allowed into the organisation.

Humble beginnings

Jimmy started out small, like most men do. He was a good student. He always kept his ears and eyes wide open while keeping his mouth shut. Jimmy would help out the guys when they needed it and would always pay his dues. In short, he was an all around great guy; the kind of guy you would want as a big brother.

Jimmy was a good earner, so the bosses were happy. He showed them the proper respect (which is not only necessary, but smart if you knew what kind of guys these bosses are). Also very important: Jimmy went about his business quietly, worked well with his "partners" and always got the job done.

Up the ladder he went

As Jimmy got older, he slowly began moving up in the organisation. He was a very capable man and could handle bigger things. So the bosses started giving him more important tasks. For a while everything was going fine. The money was rolling in and the bosses were happy.

In fact, they were so happy that they gave Jimmy his own crew. Now that was quite an achievement for Jimmy. We threw a big party for him with lots of friends, food, booze, and even more beautiful available women to celebrate. Madonn', what a party!

Insane in the brain

In our organisation, there is one thing we pride ourselves in and that's that every man gets treated with respect. Sure, the bosses receive a little more deference than most, but when we are not conducting business everyone is just one of the guys, as it should be.

This is where Jimmy began to screw up. Now that he had his own crew, he began to think of himself as the second coming of Christ. He would yell at the guys in his crew and treat them worse than if they were rotten fish. The main problem was that Jimmy's ego was getting bigger than the Goodyear blimp.

Big ego = big trouble

I'm not going to say what happened to Jimmy after he pissed off all his guys, his friends and more importantly, every boss on the East Coast. Suffice it to say, a little bit of housecleaning was necessary but all is well again within the organisation.

The trouble with Jimmy began when his ego started getting too big for its britches. He thought he could do everything better, faster and cheaper than anyone else. It didn't take long for his guys to get fed up with him constantly looking over their shoulder and second-guessing them on even the littlest of details.

To add fuel to the fire, Jimmy began openly questioning the bosses and their plans. He shouldn't be mentioning them in the first place, let alone criticising them over their "policies." Needless to say, the bosses began looking at him in a very unfavourable manner. At this point I knew Jimmy had better clean up his act or someone was going to clean him out.

So Jimmy's own crew can't stand him, the other crew captains can't stand him and the bosses hate his guts. His guys are slacking off so he's not earning as much, which is annoying the bosses even more. Jimmy was becoming even more annoying as his already big ego kept getting bigger. This led to terrible performance on his part that dragged down his whole crew as a result. Eventualy his mother who ill call The grey hound ran him over to wake him up, bring him to AA and hired KT to dress like his dreamwoman and try to play games.

The ego and your career

Douglas Ivester was a great number 2 man at Coca-Cola under the legendary CEO Roberto Goizueta. When he took over as CEO, however, he flopped incredibly in less than 2 years at the helm because he declined to name a number 2 man, thinking he could handle everything by himself. Big Ego.

He would not accept suggestions from other experienced executives at the company as he thought he always had the best answer. Big Ego. When analysts started asking him tough questions, he blamed everything and everyone but himself, as if he was somehow so holy that he could not possibly have made any mistakes.

He managed to alienate fellow executives, board members, employees, analysts, and most importantly, investors. The result was that he was fired (officially he resigned but he had no choice). He had enough balls to make it to the top but let his "ballsiness" drag him down the dumps. An oversized ego most often results in big trouble.

Keep your ego balanced

Listen up boys, I'm going to give you some simple advice on how to keep your ego in check.

• Be modest, bragging only annoys people; don't let success get to your head.
• Don't be afraid to admit that you are wrong; it happens to the best of them.
• At very least listen to what others have to say; they might have a better idea.
• Be honest in assessing your strengths and weaknesses; only God is perfect.
• Respect others and their abilities; the world needs garbage men.
• Do not belittle people; if you have nothing good to say, keep quiet.
• Do not always second guess everyone and everything; things always seem clearer in hindsight.

By following these simple tips boys, you'll avoid the fate of Jimmy and Doug and hopefully, when you rise to top, you'll be able to stay balanced for a long, long time.

Everyone has enemies

First off, as much as you think you're a great guy and that everyone loves you, I'm telling you that you have enemies. Everyone has enemies.

Enemies are a reality of business as much as death and taxes. If you could eliminate death and taxes forever, would you do so? Of course you would, so why would you not eliminate your enemies too?

La Famiglia has taught me many things, namely: you can get around paying your taxes (just ask my friend Bob at the IRS); you can even occasionally cheat death before the Grim Reaper finally makes you pay the final toll. What you can't do is let your enemies get away from you if you have the chance to ruin them.

Enemies, my friends, are much like a fire that hasn't been fully extinguished -- one gust of wind and it will be burning in full force in no time.

You must crush them

When dealing with enemies, your goal should be to totally crush them. That is, make it so that they are no longer a threat to you. Not now, and not in 20 years from now. Thus, you must make sure you inflict enough damage to placate them forever.

The point to remember is that you don't want someone creeping up behind you looking for revenge down the road, and they will do so if you don't crush them while you can.

The great Machiavelli said it best: "For it must be noted, that men must either be caressed or else annihilated; they will revenge themselves for small injuries, but cannot do so for great ones; the injury therefore that we do to a man must be such that we need not fear his revenge." It doesn't get much clearer than this boys.

Do not negotiate

Negotiation is usually required in any business deal. Sometimes, however, it is not a good option. Suppose someone owes you a lot of money, for example. They have a debt to pay and they are not paying.

Each time you try to pin a date down to start receiving payments, they weasel their way out of the situation with verbal adroitness. That is, without you realizing it, they are negotiating more time out of you. They will try to persuade you; so don't fall into the trap.

Especially tricky, is if this person is a former friend of yours, the natural tendency is to give him the benefit of the doubt. The result of negotiating with these individuals is that you are giving them power, when they should have none.

You are giving them life when you should be taking it away from them. So remember, do not negotiate with deadbeats. You have the power, you call the shots; and if they don't like it, it doesn't matter -- they have no choice. Giving them a choice will only make them disrespect you more while plotting a revenge at your expense.

Ruin him financially

Once you have sworn this person off as an enemy, it is important that you show no mercy towards him. As soon as the opportunity presents itself, you must go for the jugular. And once there, don't let go until you've completed the job.

Have no mercy; as long as your enemies are around, they can still hurt you. So make sure you put them on the sidelines permanently.

The first thing you should do when ruining someone is destroy their finances. It takes money to get things done these days, thus your first move being hurting your enemy financially.

Your second move is to ruin his reputation. Losing money is bad, but losing a reputation is worse than death. Following our previous example of someone owing you money, here's what I recommend you do:

Sue him for everything he is worth. That's right, you heard me -- take him to court. The first thing you should do is build a legal case against him. If he owes you money and has assets, then go after every penny he's got.

Once you've gotten that, go after his other assets. "But he has a wife and kids"... tough luck buddy, next time don't borrow what you can't pay back. If need be, send the guy into bankruptcy. "But what about"... no buts. Ruin him financially. End of story.

Great, now he's in the street and uses the same cup to urinate in and to beg for spare change so he can afford some bread to go with his pigeon dinner. "What do I do now?," you ask?

Ruin his name and reputation

First off, it's just business, so don't feel sorry for the poor slob, he had it coming. What you do now is attack his reputation. In one of my previous articles I spoke of the importance of building a strong reputation. Well, here's how to destroy one:

• Let the word leak about what a scumbag he is and what he did. Basically, you want to brand him as a rat. A man without honour is not a man.
• Do you know anything about him that would cause him big trouble with friends, family, etc.? For example, did he cheat on his wife, and with whom? I'm sure his wife wouldn't stand by his side for very long if she had proof that he wasn't loyal to her.
• Don't allow your enemy any options. Once you send him down the river, there is no turning back. Carry out your plan until you ruin him. To have ultimate victory, you must be ruthless. Capisce? Good, it's very important that you understand this little fact.
• Remember, destroying someone's reputation doesn't take very long. If someone rips you off, he'll probably rip other people off as well. A reputation sticks and news travels fast.
  

Get the word out properly and your enemy won't have any friends left to share his roasted pigeon with. More importantly, he won't have any friends left to help him seek revenge against you.

Furthermore, some of his ex-friends will likely move over to your camp and you'll actually gain power in the process. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

What happens to our good friend who is now penniless, wifeless and stripped of a good reputation? Not much, you've essentially stripped the man of everything, including any mental strength he thought he had left.

If that is not enough for you, I'm sure you can figure out what the next step would be. I wouldn't suggest taking such actions though, unless you really know the Pandora's box you would be opening.

Delegation is universal

Whether you go from serving drinks and dumping bodies, or from writing and reading reports to commissioning the reports, the common thread is that as you move up in the world, you will have to learn to delegate work to your soldiers or you'll stand still in life.

Whatever your business, you have to learn to do so. If you are the boss, your time should be spent strategising and planning, not mopping the floors. This is how the organisation grows more powerful.

Delegate the dirty work

The first thing you should pass on to your soldiers is the dirty work. That is why we have button men. Someone needs to be taken care of, so these guys take care of them. All the boss needs to do is figure out who needs to be taken care of and who will do the job.

The same applies if you work in an office. Once you know what needs to be done, you can pick the right person to do the job and give them the mandate. You may have to give them a few pointers here and there, but at least it will give you more time to plan other things.

Increase "soldier" involvement

By giving your soldiers things to do, you are killing many birds with one stone. You are keeping them busy doing something that will help the organisation. Also, you know how to perform the tasks, so you can evaluate how competent they are, which will help when you need to choose a new underboss or lieutenant.

Another benefit is that the soldiers learn about the business and can help it grow with their efforts. They'll also know you trust them enough to give them some work.

Furthermore, if you give them even more work, they'll be motivated to keep their game on the ball and keep earning for the organization. God* forbid you should leave on an extended vacation, the organization will have trained men to take over in your absence.

Avoid the heart attack

The bigger your business gets, the less you're able to handle everything yourself. At some point, you will only be directing the work of others, which is a job in itself. Understanding this now can help you avoid a heart attack down the line. Also, go light on those cannolis, they don't help your arteries either.

A good rep takes time

Building a good reputation takes time. A rep is not something that is achieved overnight. The basis for a good rep is action. A lot of people spend their days shooting their mouths off (which is why we have Big Al hanging around, he makes sure these loudmouths stay in their place). But shooting your mouth off won't get you anything but a rep for being a "blow hard". A good reputation is earned by saying the right things and following up with the right actions.

So what kind of actions will help you earn that golden rep? You have to do the things that will affect people in a good way. From carrying Mrs.Lucchese's groceries home for her when you were a kid to spending the night caring for a sick friend. You get the picture. You don't necessarily have to do big things, but rather, you must do a continuous string of small good deeds.

A bad rep takes no time

So here you are, Mr. Joe Blow working hard at building a solid, strong reputation. You own a business and have been smiling at customers and offering them the best prices for over 20 years. Everything is peachy, in fact, you have a reputation for having the best produce section in town. Until that day when you switch wholesalers to get a better price and the produce isn't quite as nice anymore. To say the least, it is downright rotten.

But your margins are up and "you" are happy. Customers are complaining, but you are not listening. The next thing you know, business has dropped and you aren't seeing as many familiar faces anymore. What happened? Word got around that you aren't quite what you used to be. In other words, you're slipping. What has happened is that your reputation has been tarnished in a matter of months, perhaps even weeks.

How to get a bad rep?

A person's reputation is easily destroyed (I won't tell you how do to it, because I'm sure you can figure it out yourself). How many times have you seen a respected member of your community, an elder businessman, politician or a school principal destroy their hard earned rep with one incredibly stupid action. Principal gets caught with child pornography; politician gets caught in bed with two hookers and 10 empty vials of crack; hospital administrator gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar, embezzling hospital funds that would have gone to help sick people get well.

My point is that it often takes a lifetime to build a good rep, but it only takes one day and one stupid action to destroy it. So watch your step.

Reputation sticks

The thing to understand about a rep is that it sticks. As you start out in life building your rep, people will label you. Either you have a good rep or a bad rep (some people have a neutral rep but they are usually good for much so I won't waste time discussing their pathetic case). If you have a good rep, you can usually get away with doing some bad things and keeping your rep intact. People will say things like "he strayed from the path," or "he had a lapse in judgment." Either way, they won't hold it against him for very long assuming the behavior was temporary.

The problem is when you get labeled with a bad rep early on. Even if you go to church every Sunday, help old ladies cross the street and do other good things, people will still think you are a bad apple waiting to wreck havoc. And a reputation is for a lifetime.

Bad rep, bad business

If you've acquired a bad rep, it will not only hinder you in your personal life, but also in your business dealings. When money changes hands, the principals usually want to feel comfortable with the person they're dealing with. If the person has a well established reputation as a shyster, whether it is deserved or not, then it is very likely that not many people will want to do business with him.

It doesn't matter if you own a retail store, a law firm, an Internet company or a shoe shine box; if you have a bad rep, you will not do good business. The people that you will deal with are likely to be those that don't have much choice than to deal with you. The bottom feeders of the world will be your customers... if you manage to even keep any customers.

News travels fast

One more thing about a rep, it usually spreads really fast. "Have your heard about so and so, he's been heavy in the nose candy for a while." That's all you need to hear about someone to automatically label them negatively. And don't kid yourself into thinking no one will find out, because eventually everything comes out in the open. After that, you just have to deal with the consequences.

The vouch test

An easy way to gage someone's rep is the "vouch" test. It works like this: If you had to vouch for someone (that means to give them your stamp of approval in some important matter and be responsible for them if they screw up), would you do so without reservations? For example, a good friend of mine, my right hand man actually, is someone I automatically vouch for. The man has earned it as a true man of respect. If you wouldn't vouch for someone, it means you don't trust them much. This means that in your opinion, their rep is a little on the shady side.

The bottom line

Start building a strong rep at a young age and guard it with your life, because chances are it will stick with you for life. If you have to do "bad" things (hey, life ain't a picnic) keep them concealed, the less people know, the less it can hurt you in the future. And one more thing, don't go around pissing on people's reps if you want to stay out of trouble, the best policy is silence.

Silence is golden

Now, opening your big yapper is not always a bad thing. No one likes a loudmouth, but as long as it stays within the famiglia, it usually won't hurt the family. Now, by family I don't mean your actual family, but rather your business, your social club, etc. Suppose you are the CEO of a business. Revenues are strong, profit margins are nice and fat, cash flow is increasing... you get the picture. Then one night, while at a dinner party, after a few too many glasses of Chianti you decide it is time to open your big mouth and start talking trash about one of your customers. No big deal, you figure, it's all in good fun, some harmless gossip. Besides, he'll never find out. Little do you realize that the walls have ears and that so-and-so at the table knows Mr. You-Shouldn't-Have-Badmouthed-Him.

Next thing you know, that big customer of yours that is paying for your Lexus and that house in the Hamptons just cancelled all business dealings with you. Meanwhile, you wonder what happened, like the schmuck that you are. I'll tell you what happened, so sit down and listen Johnny boy: You insulted the man and he took his business elsewhere. You publicly broadcast issues that should have been settled man-to-man.

Never start rumours

Perhaps you started a rumour he didn't want anyone to know about. Would you want your wife finding out about that 21 year-old stripper with implants you've been seeing after hours? In fact, you might have a few skeletons of your own in your closet. How would you like it if others reciprocated and started shooting their mouths-off? Exactly. So my advice to you is keep your mouth shut, mind your business and pretend you don't know what's going on if you are in a bind. No point in being on the receiving end of some flying canoli when you could be enjoying a good laugh with everyone else.

One last thing while I'm on the subject (it's not like anyone is going to stop me!), all you need to do is open your mouth once at the wrong time and you will have a reputation that will stick for life. No one wants to be known as "that rat Pasquale" from the East side. People will not associate with you for business, or pleasure. In fact, if you open your mouth about the wrong thing to the wrong people, they might try to disassociate you... from your head. So keep your mouth shut, continue doing business and keep your friends.

So there you have it boys, it all boils down to one word: Omerta. Think you slack jaws can remember that? For your own sakes, I should hope so.

The discussion

The discussion went a little something like this (keep in mind these weren't the brightest of guys):

Joe: Come on Enzo, please, I'm begging you. You have to come out tonight, you're my last hope.

Enzo: I told you I'm tired, I just want to go home and sleep.

Joe: Come on, it'll be fun, just like the old days. I really want to go out tonight.

Enzo: I'm too tired, we can go out tomorrow night.

Joe: Be a friend, do me this favor. There's a hot chick I'm supposed to meet but I don't want to show up alone.

Enzo: You always do this to me, I'm going to bed and that's that.

Joe: Think about this for two seconds: She's got a really hot friend, mingia the rack on that broad... I'll introduce you to her. I guarantee you won't be going to bed alone tonight.

Enzo: All right, I'll go get ready. What time do we leave for the club?

The art of persuasion

Do any of you snapper heads know how Joe (his real name) convinced Enzo (also his real name) to go out to the club with him despite the fact that Enzo was obviously very tired (and obviously very boneheaded)?

The answer, my friends, is by using the gentle (okay, it wasn't so gentle, but these guys ain't exactly ballerinas) art of persuasion. I'll get to my point shortly, but for now I want you to pay attention to why Joe was unable to persuade Enzo at first.

Put very simply, Joe didn't have anything to offer Enzo that made it worth his time to go out that night. Joe wanted a buddy to tag along with him for the simple sake of being there. He tried telling Enzo that it would be fun. Enzo was tired -- his idea of fun was going to bed.

Then he tried asking him for a favor. Again Enzo refused, being too tired. How would doing Joe a favor benefit Enzo? His bed and pillow made more sense to him than going out to a club that night.

So how did Joe finally convince Enzo?

What's in it for me?

Joe used the surest way of getting a person to undertake an action. He convinced Enzo not by appealing to his emotions, friendship, or sense of duty and adventure, but rather by appealing to Enzo's self-interest.

People don't like to admit that they are, for the most part, very selfish individuals. In fact, most people go so far as to put on an "act of holiness" to give others the impression that they are selfless individuals ready to do their part for the greater good.

So good is the act that most people assume this selfless nature is a person's true character. The persuader then tries to convince the "actor" to do something based on false character traits that he is only pretending to have, when in reality, he is a very different person. Thus, the persuader is appealing to things that the "actor" really doesn't care about. The result is failure.

As soon as someone proposes an action that will personally benefit the other person, that individual is hooked. As soon as Joe promised he would introduce Enzo to a gorgeous babe that would sleep with him that very night, he had Enzo in his pocket. He hit the nail on the head. Getting a broad in the sack was exactly what Enzo wanted, but didn't announce. So when Joe put it to him in that manner, it was in Enzo's best interest to go to the club and party hard.

So you see friends, when Joe was trying to convince Enzo by telling him what Joe wanted, it didn't work. As soon as Joe changed his tactic and tried convincing Enzo with what his friend wanted, it worked like a charm.

In business as in life

The point here is that in business, as in life, the real art of persuasion lies in figuring out what the other person really wants and offering it to them. Once they have what they want, they will gladly go along with just about any scheme you may be cooking up.

Restaurant with the boys

Usually the first stop on a night out with the crew is a nice eatery. Italian food is king in my book, but I've been known to be a little biased. Think of this as fuel for the night. Now for the important part: any decent place will not give out separate bills. Furthermore, if you want to look like a beggar, just ask for a separate bill. Am I making myself clear here? One bill for the whole crew.

Make sure you have a solid crew; everyone orders whatever they feel like, get the wine flowing and have a ball. When the bill comes, just split it up into even portions unless you barely had anything. If that's the case, stay home next time -- it's a party, deadbeats are not wanted. (I mean you Vincenzo, stay home next time, we don't want you coming out with us anymore) One guy pays and the other guys give him their cut, on the spot, no moochers. And remember boys; always pay cash.

Clubbing with the boys

Clubs are similar to restaurants. If one of the guys doesn't drink much, he can pay his own way for the night from the get-go. For the rest of the crew, I suggest ordering a bottle to get the night going. But then again, not everyone has the same taste.

What we do is start up a tab with the barman (or scantily clad barmaid as is often the case). We start drinking at the same pace, since we can all take about the same amount of booze.

At the end of the night, one guy settles the damage and every one cuts in, on the spot. If you're in a good mood, just pick up the tab and say "it's on me". Only do this if you're with your close crew, not just any bozos. Don't worry, they'll return the favour.

Strip-clubbing with the boys

Gentlemen's clubs are particular because they are clubs, but the rules aren't exactly the same, considering all the half-naked broads running around the place.

Here you need to take care of more than just the drinks. First person you encounter is the doorman. Make sure to grease him real nice (tip him) because if you have problems inside, he'll take care of it to make sure you come back and drop another big tip on him. Take my word on this: tip the doorman well and you'll get away with murder (and I don't mean that literally).

For the drinks, do what I mentioned earlier. Start a tab and drink away. As for the dancers, you can waste a fortune on making them dance, but it will probably won't get you anywhere with them. Your money is better spent on booze. Just invite them over for a drink or ten.

Once your face becomes familiar, they'll feel comfortable around you and will agree to seeing you outside the the club. If you start dropping serious green on them, you'll only become a wallet to them. You don't want that.

Bringing a lady to dinner

Before I start, let me note that I think men should do this the old fashioned way. None of that "let's split the bill" crap. If you pay for everything, she owes you. I don't care what anyone says about this, even if it's a new millennium.

If you bring a girl out and spring for everything, she'll feel she owes you something in return. (If she doesn't feel she owes you, dump her FAST.) She knows you don't want cash so guess what you're likely to get instead? Bingo genius, some action is what you'll get.

If you're sitting there thinking, that doesn't work, then it's because you're not doing it right. Make her feel like a princess and she'll make you feel like a king at the end of the night, just don't be shy to make a move. And if things don't work out, at least she won't go around town saying you were a lousy date, which doesn't help when you try to pick up her friends!

By the way, never complain about how much something costs. Just pay for it as if you were buying a pack of gum. As soon as you complain, you destroy your credibility and without a good reputation, you are nothing.

Mafia mentality

So there you have it KT, you now know who pays the bill (daddy) and how to pay for it. Go out there and get a piece of the action.

TwinKingShadows

Stone in my shoe

A little while back, I found myself involved in a small imbroglio. I had a stone in my shoe, so to speak, that I could not remove myself. What do I mean? Shut up and listen for a few seconds and you'll find out soon enough.

Now, I can't tell you what the stone was, so you'll have to trust me on this one. What is relevant is who helped me solve my little problem. The answer: my Right-Hand Man, RHM. What? Who were you expecting -- the Easter Bunny?

My right-hand man

What exactly is an RHM? You all know that I'm not a big history buff; the only history I'm concerned with is who owes me money, when they borrowed it, at what vig, and when I'll get it back. (For all the amateurs that are not familiar with my lingo, vig means going interest rate on the streets).

But as far as I know, the idea of having an RHM has been around since the beginning of time. Those of you out there with more than 3 active brain cells have probably already guessed that my problem was someone owing me money, and that my RHM took care of collecting the funds.

How he went about getting the capital is besides the point. The bottom line is that I needed someone I could trust to take care of the job. Lucky for me, my RHM is a very capable, loyal and trustworthy old friend.

Why couldn't I just take care of the job myself, you ask? I just couldn't be directly involved with the situation, and that is all you need to know.

God's man

The thing to remember here is that if it wasn't for my RHM, I would not have been able to recover those funds on time. Eventually yes; but probably not when I needed them. This begets the following questions: what purpose does an RHM serve? And what makes a good RHM? If you don't see the need for one, it's probably because you have no power, likely never will, and will spend your life brownnosing others to avoid being stepped on too hard.

Even God almighty had an RHM; his own son. If you can't trust your own son, who can you trust? This also demonstrates the importance of family and good friends.

The purpose

The RHM's main purpose is to watch your back because the world is a complicated place, and it gets a little more complicated every day. There are only so many things a man can take care of at any given time. No one has eyes behind their head, and your RHM is the eyes behind your head. He's there to make sure you don't get blindsided, ripped-off, or hurt in any way.

He's the person you can trust with your life. The person you would want to take care of your family if you had to take an extended vacation or, God forbid, something bad should happen to you. When you need something done that requires the ultimate man of respect, he's your guy. In a nutshell, this is the purpose of a RHM.

The good hand

Now that you know what an RHM does, let me tell you what qualities to expect when interviewing for one. Most important is loyalty. Your RHM should take a bullet for you without thinking twice about it (because if he does, you'll end up dead anyway). He should jump out of bed at 3am and come to your aid, no questions asked. He needs to understand the law of silence, and must never break it under any circumstance.

So your man is loyal; what else? Another important thing is the ability to execute. Not necessarily in the literal sense of the word you Neanderthals, what I mean is the ability to get things done. If you need something done and your RHM can't execute, he's useless, no matter how loyal and trustworthy he is.

Furthermore, it always helps if that person owes you a favour. The bigger the favour, the better the man. If you save a man's life, you can bet your bottom dollar that he'll go to the mat for you in a flash.

Oh, one last thing. It helps if your RHM is bigger than a refrigerator and looks more intimidating than Mike Tyson at a beauty pageant. Get my point?

Right hand business

You don't have to be Don Corleone to have an RHM, most CEOs and executives have one. Their job includes keeping the boss informed of what's going on around him, taking care of the details and tying up loose ends. Also, they will usually have to do their share of the dirty work; they will take care of the matters the boss doesn't have time to tend to, but that no one else is trusted with. Very important stuff my friends... very important.

The corporate RHM is the one that acts as a buffer between the boss and everyone else (in addition to the boss' secretary!). If a round of layoffs or losses needs to be announced, it's the RHM that will most likely get his hands dirty. However, when profits are announced, you'll see the big man himself make the announcement.

So there you have it boys. If you aspire to power, make sure you have a solid RHM. Someone who is loyal, someone you can trust, and just as importantly, someone who can get the job done -- no questions asked.

Mr.Lucchese Disclaimer: The advice contained in this article is not a very moral or virtuous way of behaving. Just remember, you're taking advice from a career criminal...so do so with a grain of salt! In fact, read this article for entertainment purposes only. Doing any of this stuff could result in big problems.

Me: That's it baby, don't stop.

Her: Slurp, slurp.

Me: Watch out, I'm about to...

Her: In my face, in my face!!!

Me: Happy to oblige, sweetheart.

Her: You're the greatest, Mr.Lucchese. You've made another girl's dream come true (said with a big smile on her face).

Me: Foggetaboutit honey, it's all in a day's work. Now go cook me a snack, I'm a little low on juice.

Her: Anything for you big boy (as she wipes her chin).

There you have it boys, another little episode in the life of yours truly (me, you schmucks). Just in case you're wondering, "Her" is not my wife but rather a very close, uhh, friend of mine, if you smell what I'm cooking.

A mistress is fun

Okay boys, take a minute and try to imagine that you aren't stuck in your boring life, working at your dead-end job, waking up next to your not so significant other "Chunk-ella" every friggin' morning. You're making the bucks and the deals, and you're getting bored of the same old routine.

I've got exactly the thing needed to get you out of your rut. Imagine what it would be like to wake up next to Pamela Anderson. Ahhhh, you know what I'm talking about, don't you boys? Damn straight you do.

So why not go out and have some fun? You can wake up next to Pam or one of her look-a-like babes. There are tons of these dames to go around; you just need to know how to handle them. The first thing you should be able to do is spot a potential mistress. If you aren't married yet, you can still call them mistresses, just make sure to have a few going around at all times. So how do you identify a mistress?

She's all that

There are women out there that are so hot, they could melt the iceberg that sunk the Titanic in no time flat. They've got looks that kill, with their pouty lips, long hair, sexy walk, gazongas out to there (sure, makes it hard for them to see their toes but that ain't my problem), never-ending legs, and butts that you can bounce a quarter off of.

Their bodies are tight but they're more liberal in other areas. Allow me to introduce you to my friend Gigi. Well, I'm not exactly introducing you, but I'll be talking about her, so you may as well know who she is.

Picking up a mistress

Every wise guy worth his salt has a mistress or two (sometimes referred to as a "goomah"), waiting for their knight in the shiny suit to call and sweep them off their feet… for the night. Which is perfect because they're the most fun when they're on their backs or on all fours.

Here are some "qualities" to look for in a mistress. If you can find a girl with all these qualities, then you'll think you're in heaven:

• She's drop dead gorgeous (if you want a mutt, then go to the local pound).
• She's not a virgin.
• She works somewhere called "Baby Cakes" or "Pussy Cat".
• She doesn't have 3 or 4 extremely large brothers that are professional boxers.
• She likes to knock back a few drinks (the more the merrier).
• She's not married (especially not to one of the boys).
• She's easily impressed by guys like you (pretend you have cash).
• She has fake boobs.
• She has low self-confidence.
• She needs reassurance.
• She doesn't have cash.
• She's outside your usual social circle; way outside.
• She will likely never run into your wife… or kids.
• She doesn't smell like fish... or worse, garbage.
• She can suck a golf ball through a 20-foot garden hose (you'll find out indirectly).
• She doesn't know how to use the yellow pages or any other tracking device to locate your primary place of residence.
• She can't tell a $10 bottle of wine from a good (i.e. expensive) vintage kind.
• She understands the benefit of a good spanking.
• She likes meeting directly at a motel, hotel and/or the backseat of your Cadillac.
• She's well acquainted with the words thong, heels and garter belts.
• She has beautiful (and willing) female friends in case she can't make it… or can't make it enough.
• She doesn't gossip.

Full disclosure

Make sure that you tell her that she's your side dish. Sure, you'll have to spoil her with gifts and all kinds of other crap to keep her happy, but she'll take care of you and your little guy real good. If she starts talking about you leaving your wife or anything like that, then drop her like a ton of bricks; she'll get you in trouble.

Remember, never give her too much information about yourself. Lie about your family name, where you live and anything else she could eventually use against you. Good luck boys.

Remember the last time, when I said, if you guys are going learn one thing from me, it's what I'm about to tell you. Well, if you learn two things, you are about to learn something from a wise guy like me.

My first lesson was simple; never lend money to anyone. My second lesson is even simpler. Always, and I ain't kidding around, always carry cash with you to pay for things. It's a simple thing you can do that will impress the pants off of anybody. Once you do pay for something, don't complain that it was too expensive. Only losers complain about how much they paid for something, after paying for it.

Let me tell you a little story. Me, I like to take my friends out to clubs, strip joints, whatever… so we can have a good time. And I always have a good time because I'm treated like a king. I tip everybody well and I always pay cash. You see, when you pay for things with cash, it shows people that this guy's got money, he is successful, he is powerful and most importantly he knows what he wants.

I like to go to a strip joint with a bunch of my boys and I always have a couple of girls dancing for us. At the end of night I pay the girls cash, usually ten $100 bills. The girls, they drool, they think, here is this guy, who is not only nice enough to pay dances for his buddies, but has enough cash to pay a $1000 tab without blinking. Do you think I would get the same amount of respect if at the end of the night I said, excuse me girls, do you take American Express? Forgetaboutit.

There is something about cash that says you've got it made. A buddy of mine made $20,000 in one day on the stock market, but he didn't sell out the next day and lost everything. Why? Is it because he was stupid? Maybe. Is it because he was greedy? Probably. I am pretty goddamn sure that if he had that $20,000 profit in cash, in his hands, that he could touch, he would have sold out quickly. Get my point? I hope you do, because I don't like explaining myself twice.

Another time, I went to this upscale retail store (Mr.Lucchese likes to look good). The chick that served me was an angel, had a body like a Madonna and a freakin' boyfriend, but that isn't my point. I liked some stuff in the store, so I bought them. When I was going to pay, I pulled out my roll of hundreds and guess what? First, the girl said if I pay cash, I won't be charged taxes (you could imagine the smile on my face at this point). Second, the chick gave me her phone number (what happened to the freakin' boyfriend?). It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out what just happened; money talks and bull (and MasterCard) walks.

So what have you learned here? If you're stupid, probably nothing. For all you readers who don't have jerk tattooed on your head, remember to always carry cash, pay with cash and never, ever act as though that $100 bill you just spent just brought the balance of your checking account to zero. Then you look like a zero.

Take it from a wise guy.

The business of love

I've been reading some of the articles on this AskMen.com site and I've got to give these guys credit, they are on the ball... for the most part. For example: this one writer, Curt Smith (a little soft around the edges, but overall my kind of guy), wrote an article called The Business of Love about chicks that love guys for their money. It's worth a read. That being said, it's time to get to the business of love, Lucchese style. Unlike Mr. Smith, my article is more about the business of "lust".

This is not going to be a how-to guide that will teach you slobbering idiots out there to coax a knockout into the sack. Rather, I'm going to give you poor schleps a few basic pointers on what to look for when going in for the kill. If you read this article carefully, you can learn a few things from the words of wisdom contained herein. Now for some of you, what I'm about to talk about will seem like a completely different world, and it is.

Idiot with white socks

Meeting women can be done in many ways. My personal favorite is, you guessed it Einstein, Lucchese style. Some other ways to meet women are: I really don't give a rat's a** about the other ways, who the hell do you think I am... Dr. Ruth? I didn't think so.

So how do you meet women, Lucchese style? First, let me define what I mean by "meet women." I'm not talking about falling in love, meeting your soul mate or any such crap. What I'm referring to is finding a hot broad (if you like ugly broads, go get your head examined) to shack up with for the night. So we are not looking for depth of character here, gentlemen. What you need to find is a target that will be sufficiently impressed by your Lucchese manner to want to spend the night with you.

The right stuff

The first thing you must learn to do is spot women that have the right stuff. Keep in mind though that you aren't looking for someone you'd want to bring home to your parents for a nice family dinner. Now, when you are living "the life," it seems these women are always plentiful and readily available. If you are Joe Normal, however, you've probably been to a club and seen a bunch of not-so-hot guys surrounded by a bunch of hot women. And you know the guys will each be bringing one home for some late-night action. Ah, that's the life.

So where does that leave you, my lifestyle-challenged friend? There's good news: even you can surround yourself with beautiful, willing women. It's all a matter of approach.

What to look for

The important thing to remember is that you are looking for a particular type of woman. I like to call them "club chicks" or party girls. These are usually women whose only redeeming quality is the fact that they are drop dead gorgeous and their intelligence is inversely proportionate to their looks. Being only slightly smarter than a doorknob, these women are usually not too difficult to manipulate, which is exactly the way you want them.

A few other things you should know about the club chick types is that they live for the party. They come to life in a club (or at any party) and their entire existence practically revolves around partying. Thus, the whole point of their lives is to go out and party enough to have a story to tell the next day and be able to brag about which guy they snagged.

They have a short attention span and they live for the night. They might regret doing what they did the morning after, but they don't think about the consequences while they are partying... they just want to have fun. Hey, I never said it was a fulfilling life, but that's the nature of these creatures of the night.

Where you come in

These women look for something particular in men. In their world, image is everything. You can't talk much in clubs so it is important to project the right image. This particular type of woman goes for the important/rich/powerful man. They want to associate themselves with a man who's heavy (powerful). So the trick is to let them know (and you don't always have to be subtle) that you are one of those men.

Here's one way that works well. First, target the women that drink more than they dance. The reason is simple: when people are drunk, they lose their inhibitions and are more prone to accept your advances. These women usually hang around the bar and look pretty. Once you've found a target, make your approach. Always be the perfect gentleman. Remember, image is everything in a club. These club chicks want everything to appear prim and proper on the surface even though they are everything but that under the hood.

Flaunt your cash

Here's where the money comes in. It costs money to drink and party (not to mention the fact that some of these people are heavy into the nose candy... which I do not recommend). The trade is simple; you and your crew fuel the party (buy the drinks and let the liquor flow freely) and they will fuel your bed after the party. By the way, never complain about how much things cost. Just pay for it and act as if the money is chicken feed. That is the implicit agreement.

Her friends could be another important factor. When these party girls get together as a group they often "compete" (sounds dumb, I know, but I'm getting inside their feeble little minds). They view the party as a sort of competition, in which the wildest one wins. So you can pit them against each other and see which one tries to gain your favour the most. This way, you'll know which one is yours to take home.

Finally, don't be timid when it comes to making your intentions known. When you know her sufficiently enough, just invite her to your place (or a classy hotel if your place already has one spot in the bed filled). And if she asks to bring one of her friends, all the better! So have fun and give them my regards. I'm not going into more details than that because that is all you need to know.

Mr.plant food

Fertilizer? You heard me, don't make me repeat myself... my mood just changed for the worse. Most men with at least a modicum (that means a little bit for you bottom feeders out there) of ambition aspire to become powerful, wealthy businessmen. Nothing wrong with that, a very respectable pursuit in my opinion. Life can't only be filled with espresso and bocce ball. Everyone needs an end goal to work towards.

So what does all this have to do with paying your debts and staying healthy? Pay attention if you don't want to end up like my old buddy Mr. Plant Food. We are becoming a society driven by consumption. The more expensive the house, car, girlfriend, watch, you-name-it, the better.

Now most people are fairly reasonable and will consume according to their income. Others, perhaps in a pinch, might resort to borrowing from the bank or using high interest credit cards to fuel their consumption. Now, in either of the above cases, there's rarely a problem. Just good people that borrow temporarily to get through a rough spot. They will have the cash to pay their debt when it's due, and keep all their fingers in the process.

Healthy / unhealthy morons

Here's where the problem starts: some guy decides to borrow money he knows he can't repay to buy himself that new $100,000 BMW. Sure he'll feel like a big shot driving his fancy car, blowing hundreds in cash at strip clubs thinking he's impressing some pea-brain bimbo and her friends. There's nothing wrong with paying cash, or going to the occasional strip joint to meet a few choice friends. But when it might cost you your knee caps two months down the road, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's a bad business decision.

So let's assume the guy can't pay back the money, at least his lender can get his hands on a car and get his money back. Then smack the poor schmuck around enough to get some kind of satisfaction from the whole thing. What happens if someone borrows money, large sums of money, only to squander it away on bookies, womanizing, pyramid schemes, and God knows what else? They are morons, but if they can pay it back they will remain healthy morons.

Custom-made cement shoes

The cement only starts mixing when the guy can't cough up the dough when it's time. This leads to credit problems, personal bankruptcy, family distress, emotional and physical stress, which can all result in paralyzing strokes or even fatal heart attacks. And that's only if you don't end up in the East River wearing cement shoes and a nice heavy brick chain around your neck.

Luckily, most people don't borrow what they can't pay back, 'cause if this happens, their loss usually amounts to a minor setback. If they happen to owe money to my pal Luigi the Loanshark, and they can't pay him back, they better have a great insurance policy or they'll get laid down in a bed of fishes. Enough said: pay your debts and stay healthy.

Money is good but

If you want to be a player in this world you need money -- we all agree on this. Keep in mind, however, one important fact: money itself has little intrinsic value. For money to have a value to up-and-comers such as yourself (unless you are a loser who just happened to stumble across this article), money should be used carefully to achieve certain objectives.

What do I mean? It's simple, money can be spent to acquire power in this world. Policemen being bribed, politicians and judges being bought, and gifts given to certain people (that expensive bottle of wine or that red Ferrari F355) are all ways to use money in order to acquire power.

When a businessman donates millions to his Alma Mater (for you morons out there that means the University he attended and graduated from), is it just for the fun of giving away money? Not unless the guy's lost his marbles (it happens, I know this guy Salvatore...forget it, I'll tell you about him some other time).

Usually such a donation serves many purposes: to show the world he is successful, to make high level contacts (which can be used to make more high level contacts), and to guarantee that his two kids, with a combined IQ of 47, will get into Harvard (who said life was fair?)

When you have money, you can help those people you want (or need) to help much more easily than if you don't have the necessary financial resources. The catch-22 is that people with money and power tend to hang around expensive places.

Thus if you want to make those contacts and hang with that crowd, you have to have access to enough capital to gain entrance to these places (and don't forget to dress the part). Furthermore, a modicum of respectability and recognition helps (hence the large donation to a university, local hospital, political party, etc.).

Money is dangerous

My mother once told me that too much of anything is never good. Eat too much linguini and you'll get fat, drink too much wine and you'll get sick, cheat on your wife too many times and eventually you'll get caught, and finally if you spend too much money in the wrong places it can lead you to outright ruin.

Money gets dangerous when we forget that it is only a means to an end, not an end in itself. If that sounds a little cryptic it is meant to sound so. Money can bring you down in many, many ways.

Money can buy a lot of things that are not very good in the long run. If you have a lot of money, people will often treat you with a certain respect. Most of the time they are just after your money.

Do you think the waiter is being so nice to you because he likes you? Of course not, he wants a nice fat tip and if the service is good, give it to him! Same thing goes for bank tellers, lawyers, accountants, maitre d's and anyone who can make a nice buck off your back. But those are usually innocuous enough.

Where it gets dangerous is when you are out of your element and most vulnerable. When that hot chick with the ample breasts and legs that never end can't stop laughing at your jokes and touching you ever so gently in those strategic spots. What does it mean? More likely than not she's after your money, not you.

So don't be fooled. I repeat, do not be fooled. Listen carefully to your friends and your right hand man for advice, they usually see things clearer from the outside looking in than you do in the middle of the storm.

And one more thing, always keep your mouth shut. The less people know about your business, the safer it is.

Life in the fast lane

How about all the people you meet that are in the "fast lane" and want you to be part of the fun? A little nose candy here, a few threesomes there. Next thing you know, you can't think straight and there's a dozen people out there than can blackmail you for every penny you are worth.

Not to mention if your "candy" use becomes a problem, it can easily screw up your business, family life and most importantly, your health.

If there is one thing in this world that most people don't pay enough attention to and overlook, it's their health. Being healthy is the underpinning of everything else. If you are not healthy, you won't make the money to begin with; if you're making the money, you might not be able to keep making the "moolah"; and finally, if you have the money and are not healthy, you will not be able to enjoy the fruits of your labour.

Which begets the question: if one is not in good health what is the point of having money? There is no point, all the money in the world can't bring back those fried brain cells, or the wife that left you, or your kids that hate you, or the loss of your reputation.

The moral of the story

So boys, go out there and make money. Go out there and become powerful men. Go out there and make a difference in this world. Be fearless, be bold, take action and let the world know you mean business.

But remember one thing, don't do things that will hurt your health because once it is gone, everything else becomes meaningless. And a life without meaning is no life at all. Watch your back boys and keep your noses clean.

Me: Ma, dese are the best pasta & fagioli in the world.

Mama: Same way your grandma used to make them.

Me: You're the best ma.

Mama: I'd do anything for my kids.

Me: Really? Can you get me more bread please?

Mama: Sure son, I'll warm it up in the oven first.

Me: You're the best ma.

Mama: Always take care of your family son, they are the most important thing you have in this world and don't you ever forget it! Finish your pasta, it's going to get cold. Here, have some more; we gotta keep you nice and healthy.

Me: I will ma, I promise you.

There you have it boys, you all know Italian moms are the best cooks. More importantly, my point here is that in our fast paced life, we often forget about our roots. We forget to make time for our families. By family I mean parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers, wife, children, and close friends.

Back in the day

I'm sure most of us have fond memories of growing up in the old neighbourhood. You guys know what I'm talking about. Those hot summer days when you just hang around with your friends playing games. Then our mothers would come out on the balcony and scream at the top of their lungs, telling us it's time for lunch or dinner.

My mom was practically the neighborhood chef in those days. She'd have all my friends over for lunch just about every day. Madonn', she'd cook lunch for ten of us! This kept us going in our mischief until dinnertime.

I'll never forget those days. I remember one day, my dad told me he was bringing me somewhere. "Where?" I asked. He told me it was a surprise. I was all excited, figuring he'd be taking me out for some gelato. Instead he brought me to see an old Sicilian fellow named Emilio.

Emilio was a barber and he just about shaved my head. What a dirty trick! My mom almost killed my dad for that haircut. My dad just laughed, thought it was real funny. Ha ha dad, still a fond memory in retrospect.

Family is priceless

I also remember family gatherings, playing with my brother and sister when we were kids. Now we are all grown up and married, my parents are grandparents and they spoil the kids just enough, but not too much.

My parents always took good care of my siblings and me. My sibs and I always look out for each other still to this day. If someone needs help, we are there, no questions asked. The world is a harsh place at times and good family helps us through the rough spots. But now it is time for us to take care of our parents, to return the favour.

Sunday lunch

No matter how busy a person is, everyone needs to take a day off once in a while. Sunday is usually a quiet day on most fronts. Most offices are closed, although shopping malls are open (wasn't like that when I was kid!). A good way to stay in touch with your family is to make it a point to have lunch or dinner with them once per week or once every two weeks.

What I suggest is the Sunday lunch. Most Italians I know still go to church Sunday morning, and then the whole family has a nice home cooked meal. There is no rush, no hassle. We can sit down, have a few glasses of homemade vino and enjoy a nice meal and conversation.

The food is always nice, but what's nicer is being able to talk to our parents, brothers and sisters. To catch up on what's going on in their lives and provide support and encouragement to one another, especially in times of great need.

Often other relatives are invited and we reminisce about the good times passed and good times ahead. We talk about how we overcame hardships and how everyone pulled together to make things work, for the family.

Full disclosure

The Sunday lunch (could be the Tuesday dinner, whatever works for you guys) is meant to be a break from the hurly burly of modern life. We are always too rushed by business and other commitments to take some time out and just savor life.

The beauty of the Sunday lunch is that it keeps everyone in touch. It helps keep the strong family ties together, from one generation to the next. If you don't live in the same city as your family, you should make it a point to call them once a week and talk to them, find out about everything that's going in their lives.

Remember, your grandparents (if you are still lucky enough to have them) won't be around forever. Neither will your parents. And once they are gone, all you'll have are memories. So make the most of the time you have with them today and one day, you'll look back and think about those great memories. You might even get a tear in the corner of your eye (yes, my eyes get watery when thinking about my family, they are important to me) and a smile on your face.

Take it from me, always put your family first and they will do the same for you. All the money in the world can't buy you closeness with your family; you have to make that happen yourself. And you should make it happen, there is nothing sadder than kids that don't know their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.

Omerta

One of the most important rules of being part of La Cosa Nostra is omerta; the code of silence each honourable made man takes when he enters a Family. It essentially means that a made man is never to discuss any Family business or activities with any outsider (not including associates). You become a rat by breaking the code, and you'll pay with your life (it's not only the Mounties who always get their man).

It's omerta that keeps La Cosa Nostra protected and shielded from outside forces, whether it be other mob-wannabes or law enforcement. It's also part of the honor code, which also includes vows to respect the organisation's rules, hierarchy, rules of conduct, and punishments for breaking any code. Above all, the honour code implies that no man is above his Family, and that no man should put anything or anybody ahead of his Family (not the other family).

In return, the Family protects and supports you (and in case of death, supports your family). You trust and rely on your Family in bad times, just like in good. That support is always there if you are loyal, productive or an influential member of the Family.

Loyalty, obedience, honor... you see a pattern emerging here? The public is fooled into thinking we are a bunch of thugs thanks to the media, but we are men above all -- honourable, educated, business-savvy men. Don't you forget that.

The Code

If you want to get anywhere in life, you'll need to have some basic elements in your code of honour. To break the code means a certain death. Those who follow the code will do better in life because they know who they are and are being true to themselves. They will live by their code at all times. Remember, when you live by a strict code of honour, you cannot break it at any time. Always obey your code or there is no point in having one.

Here are 5 laws that should be part of your code of honour.

LAW 1: Never break your code of honour
The first and most important law is that you may never break the code under any circumstance. You've figured out the rules of the game so follow them without fail.

LAW 2: Respect yourself
Your code of honour must be based on self-respect and respect of others that follow the same code. When you break the code, you disrespect yourself and all the men that live by it. If you are a police officer, you should always uphold the law. If you break the law, you are without honour and are sullying the men on the force that do respect the code. Mind you, I'm glad there are plenty of crooked cops out there, it makes that much easier for us to do business.

LAW 3: Respect fellow warriors
When you meet someone that is your "kind of guy," it is usually because he lives by the same code that you do. You may not realize this, but it happens more often than most think. This means to show respect when it is due.

Two boxers may talk trash and even hate each other. But if they fight 12 bloody rounds to a draw, they may still not like each other, but they will shake hands (or touch gloves), look each other in the eyes, and the respect they have for one another is obvious. Thus, they show a much stronger respect amongst themselves than they would to any "outsider." They understand what it means to live by their code of battle.

LAW 4: Respect the business
Sometimes the game goes your way and sometimes it beats you down, but at all times you should respect the game. To respect it means you will think clearly, and be able to work and win. If you take the game for granted, it'll clean you out faster than you can say "boo." If you don't take care of business, then business will take care of you. Don't ever forget that.

LAW 5: Death is honourable
Be willing to die for your code. Businesses are able to operate and grow strong because the men of honour would take their punishment if they broke our code or if they got caught. They were willing to pay the price to live the life. They live by the code in good times or bad.

If you have the choice of breaking the code or dying, then you should choose death. There is no life without honour and once you break your code, you have no honour and no life, which means you might as well be dead. Thus, if you are going to bite the bullet, do so with honour.

There you have it, a code of honour can be as simple or as complicated as you make it. Either way, use these 5 laws as the basis of your code and you'll be off to a good start.

Omerta

One of the most important rules of being part of La Cosa Nostra is omerta; the code of silence each honourable made man takes when he enters a Family. It essentially means that a made man is never to discuss any Family business or activities with any outsider (not including associates). You become a rat by breaking the code, and you'll pay with your life (it's not only the Mounties who always get their man).

It's omerta that keeps La Cosa Nostra protected and shielded from outside forces, whether it be other mob-wannabes or law enforcement. It's also part of the honor code, which also includes vows to respect the organisation's rules, hierarchy, rules of conduct, and punishments for breaking any code. Above all, the honour code implies that no man is above his Family, and that no man should put anything or anybody ahead of his Family (not the other family).

In return, the Family protects and supports you (and in case of death, supports your family). You trust and rely on your Family in bad times, just like in good. That support is always there if you are loyal, productive or an influential member of the Family.

Loyalty, obedience, honor... you see a pattern emerging here? The public is fooled into thinking we are a bunch of thugs thanks to the media, but we are men above all -- honourable, educated, business-savvy men. Don't you forget that.

The Code

If you want to get anywhere in life, you'll need to have some basic elements in your code of honour. To break the code means a certain death. Those who follow the code will do better in life because they know who they are and are being true to themselves. They will live by their code at all times. Remember, when you live by a strict code of honour, you cannot break it at any time. Always obey your code or there is no point in having one.

Here are 5 laws that should be part of your code of honour.

LAW 1: Never break your code of honour
The first and most important law is that you may never break the code under any circumstance. You've figured out the rules of the game so follow them without fail.

LAW 2: Respect yourself
Your code of honour must be based on self-respect and respect of others that follow the same code. When you break the code, you disrespect yourself and all the men that live by it. If you are a police officer, you should always uphold the law. If you break the law, you are without honour and are sullying the men on the force that do respect the code. Mind you, I'm glad there are plenty of crooked cops out there, it makes that much easier for us to do business.

LAW 3: Respect fellow warriors
When you meet someone that is your "kind of guy," it is usually because he lives by the same code that you do. You may not realize this, but it happens more often than most think. This means to show respect when it is due.

Two boxers may talk trash and even hate each other. But if they fight 12 bloody rounds to a draw, they may still not like each other, but they will shake hands (or touch gloves), look each other in the eyes, and the respect they have for one another is obvious. Thus, they show a much stronger respect amongst themselves than they would to any "outsider." They understand what it means to live by their code of battle.

LAW 4: Respect the business
Sometimes the game goes your way and sometimes it beats you down, but at all times you should respect the game. To respect it means you will think clearly, and be able to work and win. If you take the game for granted, it'll clean you out faster than you can say "boo." If you don't take care of business, then business will take care of you. Don't ever forget that.

LAW 5: Death is honourable
Be willing to die for your code. Businesses are able to operate and grow strong because the men of honour would take their punishment if they broke our code or if they got caught. They were willing to pay the price to live the life. They live by the code in good times or bad.

If you have the choice of breaking the code or dying, then you should choose death. There is no life without honour and once you break your code, you have no honour and no life, which means you might as well be dead. Thus, if you are going to bite the bullet, do so with honour.

There you have it, a code of honour can be as simple or as complicated as you make it. Either way, use these 5 laws as the basis of your code and you'll be off to a good start.

The Basics

A Family or Famiglia is a unit of La Cosa Nostra comprised of groups of "made men", each headed by a "Boss."

La Cosa Nostra is hierarchical in structure, each made man or member has certain "jobs" to perform, specific money-generating "businesses", and a defined superior.

How well you do inside the Family depends on how much of an earner you are. The more you earn, the more important you become. Equally, every Family needs an enforcer. If you excel as an enforcer and show enthusiasm and gusto in your work, your importance also goes up. If you are a good earner and a good enforcer, your future is bright and lined with plenty of mistresses.

As you move up the chain, you get to keep more of the profits from your "activities" and be involved in more lucrative activities. It's in the interest of every made man to be part-earner/part-enforcer in order to build a comfortable (and protected) lifestyle for his own family (let me clear this up now; family is the one with kids and a nagging wife, Family is the other one).

If you understand these principles, you understand how promotions are handed out.

Getting into La Cosa Nostra

To get involved in the Mafia, you have to know someone in it. Usually it's a family member (the other family), or someone you know from childhood. They will vouch for you and guide you. It's important to note that very few men get involved in this business in the latter stages of their lives, so you have to make a decision early in life on whether this path is the one you are destined for.

You can also get involved by knowing an "associate" of La Cosa Nostra, but if your initial connection is a "made man," he adds instant legitimacy to your character. You will be introduced by an associate or a made man as a "friend of mine," meaning the made man vouches for him.

Under his wing, you will likely start off by doing certain favors (with little or no financial reward). The important part of this initial process is to gain a made man's respect and trust. It is also your chance to show how good an earner you are, and if you can be entrusted with more lucrative activities. Along the way, the made man will groom you and slowly guide you in the ways of La Cosa Nostra, but never will he reveal the inner details of the Family or its secrets.

Self-initiative is important here. A made man still doesn't know if he can provide you with more profitable jobs, and he doesn't want to get pinched in case you are an informer, so it's up to you to show him the cash flow to gain his trust.

Associate

Once you earn your place as the go-to guy of a made man, the real work starts. You will become an associate, which means you will be involved in some of the dirtier work of La Cosa Nostra, often in order to move up to the next level: being "made".

At this point, you might be hanging out with a crew from a Family, but you should never step out of line and pass yourself off as a member of that crew or any other crew.

Still, as an associate you will have some weight. You will be earning more money, and will work hand-in-hand for (and with) made men from a Family's crew. In essence, you're almost a made man, or a soldier. You'll receive your promotion if you are valuable enough to the crew, by being (like I said before) a good earner or enforcer.

Made Man

When you've proven your worth as an associate, you are sworn into La Cosa Nostra. You are made. You become a "Man of Honor." Some guys refer to it as getting "your button," or being "straightened out," or becoming a "goodfella." You take the oath of omerta and now, the Family is put above all else.

This is where people will start giving you stuff for free and asking you for favours. It is also the point where there is a strong safety net around you, meaning you have personal protection insurance in case of disagreements with other made men.

Oh yeah, once you are in, it is difficult to get out. Few ever do it quietly.

In return, made membership gives you instant honour (I think "intimidation" is a better word) and a sense of belonging. Made membership brings both respect and an improved income stream, as well as heightened responsibilities. You have access to more information, more rackets, and more secrets. You are with the big boys. Now slip-ups are more costly than before.

It's important to remember two things. One, it's usually the Boss that decides if you should be made (in case he is in jail, the acting Boss or Underboss); you have to impress him and not just lower-level Family members. Two, this is a rare accomplishment. There are plenty of associates, but very few made men. Not every cafone gets this honor. It's not automatic.

I can't stress enough how hard it is to be made. It takes more than just good connections. You have to have a character above reproach (among the Family). You must have plenty of respect from others, and some influence. Many, many associates will dangle on the edge of "our thing" their entire lives, working their arses off for a Family, getting their nails dirty, and never being admitted.

So now you're made, what's the next step? You becomes a soldier inside the Family.

Soldier

A foot soldier ("soldier" for short) is basically your first position within a Family once you are made. Being made and becoming a soldier go hand-in-hand. Everybody in a Family is also made, a soldier is just the lowest level of "management." A soldier will often have his little crew of associates that help him out with jobs. He reports directly to his capo or captain.

There are two levels of soldiers or soldati. You can be a picciotto, which is what a new made man becomes. He is still doing the grunt work, but now he is protected by his allegiance to a Family. No one can take him out without suffering severe repercussions. In reality, it's a position not very different from an associate, except that he becomes more of an "untouchable." When you're made, he will become a picciotto.

As you earns your stripes (and your belly gets fatter from all the free cannolis), you become a sgarrista, a more important soldier.

When someone gets to be a sgarrista, he usually runs his own rackets, kicking up a few points upstairs to his bosses (percentages of earnings, my ignorant non-Italian friends). If a soldier isn't running his own "activities," he's going to be working for his superior, his capo.

Who gets to do what? Let me put it this way; the higher the IQ of a soldier, the less of a gopher he becomes. Instead, he becomes more of an independent contractor. If you think Buckingham Palace is a strip joint, you won't get your own racket. If you know what the acronym RICO stands for, you'll likely be doing your own jobs (if you don't know, you'd better look it up).

How much does a soldier get to keep? Well, it varies from Family to Family. Most of the time, a capo has a fixed amount that he expects. That amount is determined by history. If the guy running the racket before made so and so, he should deliver the same (plus a little more, because any business should show growth).

Usually, a soldier will keep about 30-50% of whatever he earns inside the Family rackets, the rest is kicked up to his capo. In turn, the capo will give anywhere from 10-40% to the Boss. You hit the 40% mark when the Underboss gets his hands on some of the profits.

Sometimes an ambitious soldier will get an idea for a side venture. This is an attempt by a soldier to get a higher payday, and usually involves a high degree of risk. It's the kind of risk that can put a soldier in the slammer for eternity if he gets caught. That's why any large score needs the Boss' permission. He has to sign off on the risk that this venture might bring to the Family. In return, a soldier will give a "tribute," or about 10-20% of the take to his Boss. Capitalism at its best.

Capo

Assuming you're a good earner and an upstanding soldier, you'll earn the right to move up one day. Your good fortune will bring you more influence (and likely some arrogance too). You might become resentful or bitter that you're working your nuts off and getting little in return.

The last thing a Boss wants is an unhappy soldier in his ranks, especially a productive one like you. If you aren't promoted, you could cause problems (including turning others in the Family against the Boss), and begin doing side deals that involve no "tribute" to the Boss.

At a certain point, you will want to take advantage of the fruits of your labour, and get the nice cars and nice houses. You don't want to have to get your fingernails dirty day in, day out. You want to be "management" of the waste management company, capisce? It's a natural step for the good earner of a Family. If a Boss of a Family is smart, he'll give you a promotion from your status as soldier.

Your promotion would make you a capo, a skipper, or whatever -- someone in charge of his own crew of 2 to 4 wise guys. Capo is short for capo regime, and is one step below the Underboss.

It basically puts you one level higher on the pyramid, so now you get a piece of the action from the men in your crew, some of which you pass on to the Boss. you generate more profits through your soldiers and their local associates.

You might enjoy your status as capo and be content with the profits it generates, but as "management," you have to keep your troops happy and still enforce the orders coming from above. In essence, you have three hats now. One as an earner, one as an enforcer, and one as a mediator. Not that a capo doesn't get his hands dirty or take care of some sensitive "special" jobs, he does, but only when the Boss doesn't trust any foot soldier to do it.

Getting to the top

If you are an ambitious guy, you won't want to be a capo forever. But to move up the ladder now, one of three things has to happen. To be a Boss, you have to be a capo, no one lower in the food chain is going to get the big chair.

One, you can gain the trust of the Boss and become his appointed successor (usually by first being named Underboss) when the time comes. "Time comes" refers to the Boss' death or jail sentence.

Two, if the Boss dies suddenly, and there is no clear successor, the capos in a Family will call a meeting to select a leader. Even if an Underboss exists, he would be smart to accept the decision of his captains because they wouldn't need to call a meeting if they put their faith in his hands.

Three, the Boss is taken out. At any time, the Boss is vulnerable to outside and inside forces. A Boss who senses a revolt among his capos might take action to eliminate any traitors from within or choose to ignore the problem.

If you aren't satisfied with the current leadership, you might plan to forcibly change the administration. You cannot attempt to do this without some support, and with valid reasons. There has to be respect for the structure, it's part of the oath. There is no oath that you have to like the Boss, but you must be obedient to the Family rules and wait your turn to be Boss.

If the Boss is incompetent, corrupt, an embarrassment, or a liability (he has Witness Protection Program brochures), a capo can approach other capos and other Family Bosses with his predicament. It is crucial that he gets support, not only from within his Family but from other Families in the Cosa Nostra. Without it, he'll end up like his dead Boss.

If the Underboss is loyal to his Boss, he will seek revenge on the capo responsible. An Underboss' elimination will usually be part of the plan to change the administration.

Let me stress again on how stupid and risky this little strategy can be. The walls have ears in our world, it's a rare move nowadays that a Boss is taken out by someone within his own Family. Threats usually come from the outside, either from other Families or other non-Italian organizations. A capo who decides to make such a bold move better have all his t's crossed and i's dotted. Other Bosses don't take kindly to capos getting overly ambitious, like the French Revolution, it might serve as inspiration within their own Family.

Underboss

If a capo is loyal to a Boss, he might be chosen as second in command. This position is called the Underboss, Capo Bastone or Sotto Capo. He becomes the Boss' eyes and ears on the street.

Like the name says, you are under the boss; you are the second most important member of the Family. You are clearly the number 2 guy, and people within the Families' circles are aware of that fact and will likely treat you with the respect they would give a Boss.

You wield considerable power at this point. Sometimes the Boss is comfortable just living out his days in his quiet mansion with his maids and his comares (mistresses); it's the Underboss' responsibility to run the day-to-day operation.This clan is dedicated to making life fun for our members. Who wants to be in a clan where all you do is fight against other clans? We break that norm and intend to have squabbles within our own fold. Of course this is all make believe and we're all great friends so a little play acting will come in handy. We're based around the mafia group known as La Cosa Nostra. Consisting of four Families working as one for the clan but for our own when pitted against each other. Disputes can be about anything. Land, businesses, back-stabbing, women, you name it we can fight about it. So come join in the fun, work your way up the heirachy and see how far you can go.join in the fun, work your way up the heirachy and see how far you can go.