Brief summary of the prequel to this sequel: For reasons the author cannot clearly recall but has the vague notion that it had to do with a God of All Monkeys or something equally juvenile, Link and Legolas somehow were brought to the same dimension to fight that threat that was Spock from Star Trek. Through something like 14 chapters of randomy goodness, many, many inside jokes were created. Sadly, these references were all lost when the story was deleted due to some technical issue.
Some key possibly recurring jokes:
1. Link is afraid of chickens. If you have played Ocarina of Time this will make sense to you.
2. Link is afraid of cows. I decided to make him lactose intolerant because we thought this would be funny considering the amount of milk forced upon him in Ocarina of Time.
3. Cows teleport. This is because there are cows EVERYWHERE in Ocarina of Time, and I couldn’t figure out how some of them got to wherever they were (the hole in the ground!) without some form of cow teleportation.
4. Marth’s sword, Falchion, talks. But only to Marth, unless it shows itself in spirit/notebook form. I’m not sure why I did this. Just pure randomness. Also I was not fond of Marth, so I wanted to make him look loony.
5. Legolas will be exceedingly foolish. Because Link is better than Legolas.
6. Many, many characters will be extremely out of character. Just deal with it. It’ll be funnier that way.
TO THE STORY!
After our last adventure and the demise of Spock and the Starship Enterprise, everyone finally went home and did other such nonsense to pass the time until the NEXT adventure come along. Now, the beginning of the next GREAT ADVENTURE!
Our story starts in Mirkwood, with EVERYBODY'S (cough) favorite elf- prince-thing. That's right, LEGOLAS!
”WHO HATH EVOKED THE NAME OF ME!” exclaimed Legolas, frolicking into view.
When no on responded, he continued to frolic happily through the forest. Suddenly! He TRIPPED!
“How is it that I, the most beautiful and coordinated elf in all of Middle Earth hath TRIPPED!” He asked incredulously.
Sticking out of the earth was a strange black object. Legolas pointed dramatically and shouted, “CURSE YOU BLACK OBJECT OF DOOM!” He picked up the object, holding it daintily between his thumb and index finger. “Wait a minute! I CAN SEE MY REFLECTION IN THIS OBJECT! GLORIOUS!” He announced, admiring himself in it.
Somewhere off in the distance the rest of the Fellowship was trying to force their way into a fortress.
Over the sound of extremely dramatic music, Aragorn cried, “We must hurry! Legolas! We need your help!”
“Do we really?” questioned Frodo, “I mean, what can Legolas do? All he's good for is looking pretty and firing his silly bow and arrow. That won't help us open this drawbridge!”
Gandalf THE GRAY nodded wisely, “Yes, I'm afraid that is correct.”
“Gandalf, I thought you were white now,” commented Frodo.
“Well, I WOULD be if there was such thing as a DRY CLEANERS in Middle Earth!” Gandalf responded. “I AM NOW ANGERED!” Random thunder and lightning exploded around them.
“Um,” said The Fellowship minus Legolas who was still admiring his reflection. They all backed away slowly.
Legolas chose this moment to frolic up to the group. “Look!” He declared, “I hath found a glorious instrument with which I can see my reflection whenever the urge strikes me! And that is quite often!” He held up the garage opener, accidentally pressing the button that opens garages.
The random thunder and lightning just so happened to kill the guards and hit the thing that unwinds the chains to lower the drawbridge.
The drawbridge lowered.
“HURRAH!” rejoiced The Fellowship.
“How in Middle Earth did that happen?” Samwise GAMGEE asked.
The group pondered, then Aragorn spoke up, “Hm. Well, it must have been Legolas's glorious device with which he can view his reflection whenever the urge strikes him!”
“That's a really long and obnoxious name,” remarked Merry.
“ And I'm too stupid to remember it,” Gimli remarked stupidly. Suddenly he saw a forest. “MUST HACK TREES INTO LITTLE PIECES! RWARARRR!” He shouted as he ran towards the forest, axe raised.
“NO GIMLI!” Legolas cried. “That beith my HOMELAND!” Gimli ignored him and proceeded to chop the forest into pretty wood shavings.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Legolas. “CURSE YOU!”
Suddenly an Ent thing walked by and squashed Gimli. No one really cared because he is useless.
After a moment’s pause, Pippen inquired, “Soooo does anybody think we should enter the fortress before they notice us and raise the drawbridge and fire arrows at us?”
“Hm.” Pondered Frodo. “Maybe. But first we need a new name for Legolas's glorious device with which he can view his reflection whenever the urge strikes him, which is often!”
“Well, since it opens drawbridges we should obviously call it a, wait for it, MONKEY!” Aragorn declared triumphantly.
“Um.” Stated The Fellowship. There was really nothing else to say to that particular remark. <>Finally, Gandalf the Gray suggested, “How about a ‘drawbridge opener’?” Proving that The Fellowship wasn’t completely lacking in cranial capacity.
The former statement was speedily disproved, when Aragorn complained, “I don't see how that has anything to do with anything!”
Having wasted enough time, even though enemies rarely attack until the good guys are ready, The Fellowship responded, “Let's just go with it.”
“FINE!” Aragorn harrumphed, flipping his greasy hair.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed The Fellowship as the mud and grease from Aragorn’s hair splattered them.
Legolas, however, somehow contrived to stay immaculate.
And so begins our tale. Or at least part of it. Now let's go find the other characters.
In HYRULE!
We see lots of fields. Lots and lots of fields, with lots and lots of grass. IT'S SO GREEN! HOW WILL WE EVER FIND LINK! Oh there he is.
Our favorite hero was busily slicing through a random clump of grass. “YAY! A RUPEE!” he rejoiced, doing the "I found a rupee" motion.
Hmm. He appears to be hunting for money.
Link decided that he had had enough of mowing the lawn and lifted a rock and threw it against a tree. “YAY! ANOTHER RUPEE!” He rejoiced again, doing the "I found a rupee" motion.
Suddenly Zelda appeared.
“Link, what are you doing?” Zelda asked, and rightfully so seeing as how the Hero of Time was currently cutting grass with the Master Sword and using the Power Bracelet to lift rocks and throw them against trees.
“I'm making money,” Link replied, as if it was obvious. And so it would have been to anyone familiar with the “I found a rupee” noise. For those who aren’t, it goes like this: dun dun dun DUN! Don’t you feel informed?
Anyway, Link continued to explain: “It doesn't grow on trees, but there's plenty in the grass. I wonder why? Are the citizens are Hyrule so careless that they go around dropping money in the grass? Even if they are, that still doesn't explain the ones inside the rocks.”
Zelda sighed, “You really don't have to forage through the grass for money, Link. If you need any you can always come to the castle.”
“You're right!” Link agreed, “There's a lot more money in the random pots in the castle. And with those random guards you have who are completely blind and deaf it's easy to go around smashing pots without getting caught!”
Apparently Link had missed the point. At any rate, Zelda inquired,
“ Link, why do you have the sudden urge to get money?”
“You have NO IDEA how hard it is to support yourself when you don't have a steady income.’ Link retorted indignantly. “All these years of fighting Gannondorf and doing other heroic deeds and I have NEVER been paid. YOU PEOPLE HAVE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY GRATEFUL!”
“Oh.” Zelda blinked. He was probably right. “I'm going to have to consider paying him,” she mumbled to herself. “Or getting a new Hero of Time. But that would be time-consuming,” she paused. “Wow, what a terrible pun.”
Link ignored her and continued to forage for money.
Suddenly Gannondorf ran by.
“BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I WILL RULE THE WORLD!” He croaked diabolically in his Gannondorfy voice of DOOM.
“GET OFF THE GRASS” Link shouted. He took out his sword and sliced Gannondorf into little ribbons of Gannondorfy goodness/badness. A little extreme perhaps, but this was no time to be merciful! Link’s monthly income depended on this plot of grass!
Zelda stared at the pile of Gannondorfy ribbons. “Somehow I don't think this really merits paying anymore, Link. Gannondorf is really too pathetic.” She remarked.
“Which is why I must continue to forage for money!” Link declared.
“Why don't you ask people to pay you to cut their grass?” Zelda asked.
“Because the COWS do that! FOR FREE! CURSE YOU COWS!” Link shook his fist in the direction of some random cows in the distance.
Suddenly the Gannondorfy ribbons, which apparently were alive because Gannondorf NEVER DIES! Shouted, “We shall have revenge!” and opened a whirlpool into time and space.
“Um.” Link and Zelda replied in unison. Suddenly they were sucked into the WHIRLPOOL OF GANNONDORFY DOOM!
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
They landed in front of a fortress where it looked like a random group of people were storming it with very little effort.
Link looked around. “This place looks familiar,” he said slowly.
Suddenly he noticed Legolas. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Link screamed, “NOT HIM AGAIN! AHHHHHHHH!”
“Is that the strange one who attacked me with a dead fish?” Zelda asked.
(Note: This refers to the previous story that got deleted…if you care, the dead fish attack was caused by Legolas’s insecurity over the fact that Zelda had nicer hair than him)
Link twitched. “Yes.”
“Oh,” she replied, looking somewhat disturbed.
IN OTHER LANDS:
Roy is training with the army that he leads due to his father's addiction to pay per view.
“I SAID LEFT! LEFT! THAT'S A CLIFF! NO! STOP!” Roy shouted in vain, pointing frantically in the LEFTWARD direction.
“Lalalalala!” Sang the army obliviously as it frolicked to the RIGHT and fell off a cliff.
Roy sighed. “That's the third army this week.” He remarked to no one in particular. “And it's only Tuesday.”
Suddenly a GRAND PROCESSION appeared.
“HELLO CITIZENS!” Marth declared exuberantly.
“These aren't your citizens.” Roy informed him, still slightly miffed about losing the army…again. “They're mine.”
The aforementioned citizens all stopped to stare in a rather possessed fashion.
Suddenly feeling uneasy, Roy continued, “But you can have them if you want.”
“Falchion and I are bored.” Marth complained at random.
(Note: Falchion is his sword. Yes, it has a name.)
“That's nice.” Roy responded, annoyed. “Our army just ran off a cliff. Again.”
“Oh, I know,” Marth waved his hand vaguely, “they do tend to do that. Armies I mean, not just your army in particular. I’m sure it’s not your fault or anything.”
Roy chose to ignore the latter part of that statement. “Yes, well,” he replied, “Now we need a new army.”
“Why?” Marth inquired. “Nothing ever happens around here.”
Suddenly a huge swirling portal of doom opened up and swallowed them.
“HURRAH!” Marth shouted as he hurtled through the vortex.
“YAY! ADVENTURE!” Roy rejoiced. “Now I don't have to tell Father about the army jumping off a cliff until later!”
The portal opened and landed them in front of the chopped up remains of a forest.
“Wow. Dead trees.” Roy remarked. Suddenly he spotted something. “But over there! I SEE GREEN! IT MUST BE LINK!”
“BY GOLLY You're RIGHT!” Marth agreed.
They both frolicked over to where Link was twitching on the ground.
“HELLO LINK!” Marth shouted. He paused. “…and you. Um, wait I'll have your name in a second.” He paused and consulted Falchion. “Why thank you Falchion! ZELDA! That's it!”
Roy poked Link’s twitching form with the toe of his boot. “What's up with Link now? There aren't any cows about. Or chickens.”
Zelda shook her head, “No, but that strange blond elf is over there.”
Roy peered through the smoking remains of the forest that Gimili had recently decimated. “Oh, that one? I see. That explains it. I wonder what they're up to.”
“They APPEAR to be storming a fortress.” Zelda stated somewhat sarcastically.
There was an awkward pause.
“I knew that.”
“Then why did you-?” Zelda began.
“Because I wanted to know if YOU knew.” Roy interrupted loudly. “Yes that's it.”
“VENGENCE!” Link screamed suddenly, springing up and running towards the fortress waving the Master Sword about.
“That looks like fun!” declared Marth, running towards the fortress as well.
“YAY! SWORD-SWINGING!” Roy ran after Link and Marth. He wouldn’t want to miss out on hacking things to pieces.
“I guess I should follow, or else the story will go on without me.” Zelda remarked. She slowly followed.
AT THE FORTRESS!
Aragorn was running around and swinging his sword aimlessly. Since there were enemies everywhere this tactic actually worked.
“RWARRARWRAR!” Aragorn screamed, hurling himself at the nearest hulking enemy of doom.
Legolas continued to admire himself in the shiny black "drawbridge opener". The enemies conveniently ignored him.
Frodo was busy prodding various enemies with Sting. They exploded.
Samwise Gamgee was hungry.
Merry and Pippen frolicked because their names are ever so frolicky.
Gandalf the Gray composedly bashed people with his magical staff/cane thing.
“EVIL CREATURES! IN THE WAY!” Link shouted, demolishing them all in one attack. The enemies, that is.
Aragorn continued to blindly swing his sword around.
“Um, Aragorn?” ventured Frodo.
“What! I'm BUSY!” Aragorn grunted, swinging the sword even faster.
“But the enemies are all dead,” Frodo informed him.
“LIES!” Aragorn shouted. “I CAN STILL SEE THEM! BACK FILTHY BEASTS! BACK I SAY!”
“How can you see ANYTHING with your hair in your face!” Frodo demanded.
Aragorn stopped. “That's my hair? I thought they were greasy, disgusting monsters.” He brushed his hair out of face. “Oh.”
Link had started attacking a member of the Legolas Fanclub who just happened to look like a Legolas clone.
The Legolas clone shrieked in agony. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! MY HAIR! I'm a LEGOLAS FAILURE!”
“You are officially expelled from the brotherhood of Legolas.” Legolas stated snootily.
“NO! I HAVE NO REASON TO LIVE!” sobbed the Legolas clone.
“FOAM!” roared Link.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed the poor abused Legolas clone. He ran away and jumped in the moat, never to be seen again. He did live however. Just in case you were wondering. They just never saw him again.
At that moment Roy and Marth showed up at random.
“Darn, missed the fighting.” Roy pouted for a second. “Oh well.” He concluded, lighting the castle on fire.
“Falchion says we should run before we are consumed by flames,” Marth spoke up. “Foolish Falchion!” He laughed like knave. Marth, not Falchion.
Everyone left. Aragorn's hair caught on fire because of all the grease in it.
Aragorn sighed, “My hair has always been so FLAMMABLE,” he lamented.
Suddenly Gimli crawled out of the forest. Or what was left of it. “Argh. Squished.” Gimli squeaked. Being stomped on by an Ent can do that to you.
Everyone kind of ignored him. Actually, they just outright ignored him.
“Frodo, be a good lad and help me!” Gimli wheezed.
Frodo blinked, then poked him with Sting.
“AWRK!” Gimli…awrked…Then he exploded.
“YAY!” rejoiced The Fellowship.
The other characters paused, then shouted, “YAY ALSO! GIMLI WAS USELESS! EVEN WE KNEW THAT!”
There was a random sort of pause, which happens not so randomly anymore.
“So, why are we here exactly?” Roy asked nobody in particular.
Link spoke up, “The Gannondorfy ribbons of goodness/badness wanted vengeance upon me.”
“Again?”
“Yes.”
Zelda exhaled in annoyance. “Honestly, he can't come up with anything creative. And he's extremely Unthreatening. But everyone in Hyrule is afraid of him.”
“Except ME!” Link pointed out. “YAY! But THEY NEVER PAY ME TO GET RID OF HIM! I need to set up a business.”
“What kind?” asked Marth.
“Pest control!” replied Link, obviously making this up as he went along. “My motto will be, ‘The company that makes Gannondorfy ribbons of goodness!’”
“That sounds like fun!” Roy commented. “Can I join?”
“Aren't you supposed to be training your army or something?” asked Link.
“They jumped off a cliff again.” Roy replied somewhat sheepishly.
Link blinked. It rhymed. “Oh well, I'm sure Pharae or wherever you live doesn't really need an army.”
Meanwhile back at the land where Roy lives:
The citizens all screamed in horror and ran from the evil army of doom from another land that was trying to take over.
The Father of Roy watched from the window of his castle during a commercial break. “Hm. This is annoying. What happened to our army?”
Back to Middle Earth:
Legolas continued to admire himself some more in the "drawbridge opener."
Curious in spite of herself, Zelda asked, “What is that?”
Frodo replied,“A wonderous device that opens drawbridges for us!”
Zelda peered at said device suspiciously. “It looks evil. And black. Anything black MUST be evil. Like Gannondorf. He wears black.”
“Are you sure it opens drawbridges? It looks useless to me.” Roy stated.
“I KNOW! WE MUST FIND OUT WHAT IT IS!” Marth announced.
Suddenly the Spirit of Falchion appeared in front of them.
“Yes, that is your mission. You must find the true purpose of this object. It will aid you in your TRUE QUEST!” The Spirit of Falchion…spirited…
Roy pointed, “Hey, it's the notebook!”
(Note: refer to "Attack of the Cucoos." Which was the first story in this adventure. Actually don’t because it’s NOT THERE ANYMORE! ARGH! But anyway…Falchion’s spirit...takes the shape of a notebook.)
“So, where can we find the true purpose of this object?” Link asked. There certainly wasn’t anything better to do. Maybe the real owner of the thing was looking for it and would offer some reward. He needed the cash, his tunics were getting too old and holey.
“Why don't we check and see where it was made?” Marth suggested.
“GOOD IDEA!” Link agreed. “Wait, I just said Marth had a good idea. THE WORLD IS ENDING!”
Roy casually stole the "drawbridge opener" from Legolas and flipped it over. “Made in China. Where is ‘China’?” He asked.
Hmmm. How to get them to China? Or rather, to some place with garages. Why? Well look the title you silly people!
Suddenly a teleporting cow appeared.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHH!” shrieked Link.
“Funny, I thought they all died on the Starship Enterprise.” Zelda mused.
“YAY! TO CHINA! GO COW GO!” Roy shouted a tad too enthusiastically.
“Um.” Everyone responded.
Roy paused. “Well, we have a quest to go on! And I don't want to go home or I'll have to tell my father that the army is missing. Again.” Everyone shrugged and gathered around the teleporting cow.
They disappeared is a flash of teleporting cow-ish light. What do you mean you don't know what that looks like! HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A TELEPORTING COW TELEPORT?! Well fine, be that way!
Alone in the desolated wasteland that was once a forest and a fortress, Gimli's particles squeaked, “Help?”
Well, that's all for today. We really don't know where the story is going yet. Feel free to give suggestions. DO IT NOW!
