Chapter 2: Attack of the Diabolical Rhubarb
The rest of the summer passed by quickly at Ron's house. Ron did not live in the pigpen. He lived in the ATTIC! YAY!
"Can I have my room back next year?" Ron asked.
"If Harry doesn't come live with us, yes," replied a random member of the Weasley family.
"Oh good."
"Let's all go to DIAGON ALLEY!" Yelled the Random member of the Family.
"YAY!" cheered the rest of the family.
"How WILL we go this time?" asked some OTHER random member of the family.
"I KNOW! MAGIC TOILET!" shouted the whole family.
"Do you mind if I ask what that is?" Harry asked.
Ron blinked, "I don't know what it is either."
"WELL DUH, RON! We all take turns flushing the toilet and traveling through the piping until we get to the sewer outside Diagon Ally!" Ginny informed them.
"Can't we just drive?"
"NO!!!!!" screamed the entire family except for Ron in unison.
Somehow or other the family got to Diagon Ally. We don't really want to know how. I will leave this to the imagination.
"Oooohh! Look, Harry!" Hermione pointed avidly at a shiny door.
Harry turned. It seemed to be the door to a plant nursery. And guess who was in the nursery? NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM that's who!
"Hi Harry!" He said, disregarding everybody else.
Harry was starting to get used to this. "Hello Neville." He replied. "What's that you're carrying?" He pointed to an ordinary potted plant.
"Oh. This is some rhubarb." Neville replied. He shrugged. "I just like it."
"Ok."
"Well, I'll see you at school then!" Neville walked off and ran into a pole.
"Poor Neville," said Ron, shaking his head sadly.
"HARRY! HARRY! Let's go OVER THERE!" Hermione shrieked, pointing to Flourish and Blots.
"Um.I'd rather not," Harry said nervously. Every time he had been in there people had attacked him asking for his autograph.
"TOO BAD!" Hermione dragged him into the shop. Ron followed out of curiosity. Maybe he'd see Harry being beaten up by Malfoy again. Not that he ENJOYED that or anything.
Inside Flourish and Blots Harry was being attacked yet again by an unruly mob asking for his autograph. Suddenly, Lockhart, since apparently this is a Chamber of Secrets sort of story, appeared.
"I'm simply SPLENDID, aren't I?!" Lockhart bragged.
"Not a bit conceited are we?" Ron asked sarcastically.
"Um, Hermione?" Harry questioned. She was looking a little strange. Maybe it was because Hermione was drooling over Lockhart. This didn't really make sense, seeing as how she was supposed to be intelligent and Lockhart was just a handsome idiot. Harry scratched his head and thought it over, until he decided that it wasn't worth bothering over. That would make one less person hanging all over him.
"Yes, I really am quite beautiful," Lockhart continued, completely ignoring Ron.
Harry started edging away. Lockhart was obviously a freak. Even more of a freak than Harry made himself out to be since Lockhart went around telling people he was beautiful. What kind of guy tells people he's beautiful? Harry wondered.
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy rounded the corner of a bookshelf.
Funny how I've never realized how much Mr. Malfoy looks like Legolas. Harry mused. Then he wondered how he would know about Legolas. The Dursleys had never taken him to the movies, for fear that he would hug everybody within ten feet of them. He decided not to think too much. He might end up like Hermione.
"Father," protested Draco, who was hidden behind his father's freakish cloak, "why won't you tell me the family secret?"
"Because, you fool, it's a secret. If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret anymore would it?" Malfoy senior snapped, annoyed.
"But Father, I'm a family member! I should be entitled to know!" Malfoy junior whined.
"Shut up you silly child," Malfoy Sr. replied and whacked him on the head with his cane. Actually, I'm not sure if he has a cane, but he can now.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Mr. Weasley ambushed Malfoy Sr.
"BOO! I KNOW YOU HAVE A SECRET! TELL ME!" Mr. Weasley shouted.
Malfoy Sr. took a step back, trampling Count Draco Malfoy and swung his cane into a sword-ish defense position. "I warn you, I'm armed!"
Mr. Weasley blinked, then chucked a book at Malfoy Sr.'s head.
"Ow! You knave! You and your foolish ministry job that I strongly dislike will pay!" Malfoy clutched his eye where the book had struck.
"Come on Father, let's go," Count Draco whined. "I need to buy more grease for my hair."
"Curse you and your hair-care products," Malfoy Sr. mumbled.
On their way out they ran into Harry, who was watching the whole scene.
"Move, you fool," Malfoy Sr. snarled.
Harry was suddenly possessed with the urge to hug someone. A huge grin spread over his face and he ran towards the nearest person, which happened to be Count Draco.
"GET OFF OF ME!" Howled Draco.
Harry jumped away. Draco was disgustingly greasy. He began searching for a place to wipe the grease off of his hands.
"And don't call me Draco!"
"I didn't." Harry said. "Actually, I haven't said anything to you until now."
"Stop being smart, Harry Potty," Malfoy junior sneered.
"My, what a creative insult," commented Ron, who had been standing around nearby.
"SILENCE! OR I WILL EAT YOU!" Malfoy Jr. roared.
Ron chucked a fork at his head. It landed on his greasy hair and refused to come off. Mr. Weasley appeared behind him and began to twirl the fork around. Soon Malfoy's hair looked like greasy spaghetti.
"You can't do that to my son, you Muggle-lover!" Malfoy Sr. protested.
Mr. Weasley giggled like a maniac and ran off.
"Argh. That fool," Malfoy Sr. snarled. He snatched a random book from Ginny, who was hanging around behind Harry and staring at him. Then, looking incredibly shifty he opened it and pretended to rifle through it while slipping a random journal inside. He handed the book back.
"Um." said Ginny, staring at the now bulging book with a huge gap in the center where the journal was wedged.
"Come Draco, we shall be leaving now," announced Malfoy Sr.
"THIS FORK WON'T COME OUT OF MY HAIR!!!!!" Count Draco screamed, tugging at it insanely.
"Forget the fork, you stupid child. Let's leave this accursed place," Malfoy Sr. barked, dragging the struggling Draco out behind him.
"Can we go to the salon then?" Harry heard Draco demand, which was soon followed by a cracking noise.
"OW! Father! Why did you hit me?!"
Harry shrugged. Ron shrugged. Ginny, seeing Harry shrug decided to shrug too, forgetting entirely about the journal crammed into her book by Mr. Shifty Malfoy. Lockhart continued to admire himself. Harry and Ron decided to drag Hermione, who was standing in a puddle of drool, back to Ron's house so they could get to school eventually.
EVENTUALLY!
On platform 9 ¾ they all boarded the train without incident. When they got to their little compartment they saw what appeared to be a giant potted plant sitting in one of the seats. A potted plant with legs. Suddenly they realized it was Neville! YAY!
"Hello Harry!" said the plant.er.Neville.
"Hello Neville. Your plant is enormous! What did you do to it?!" Harry asked.
"Oh, I just fed it some green, glowing, fertilizer!"
"Green, glowing fertilizer?" Ron asked.
"OH MY GOSH! It wouldn't have been RADIOACTIVE would it?!" Hermione shrieked. "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PLANTS BECOME RADIOACTIVE?!"
"They die?" Ron suggested, though from the look of things Neville's plant was anything but dead.
"NO! THEY BECOME SAVAGE, MAN-EATING THINGS!" Hermione started to freak out.
"I dunno, Hermione," Ron said, "Neville doesn't look very eaten to me."
Hermione made an irritated noise, "You never know when the plant will strike," she said as if it were obvious.
"Ok."
They all sat silently staring at the plant for a few minutes. When it didn't move they got bored and started playing cards instead. I've suddenly realized they never did the flying car thing. OH well!
Suddenly, without warning, the plant attacked!
"AUGH!" everybody screamed.
"I TOLD YOU IT WOULD ATTACK!" Hermione squealed.
There was a pause, then, "EAT HER!" Harry, Ron, and Neville yelled, pointing at Hermione.
The plant, not being too particular, decided to oblige them and ate Hermione. Or at least was in the PROCESS of eating Hermione when Lockhart jumped into the compartment.
"I'LL SAVE YOU!" He declared. Then he left.
"Um, ok." Harry said. Then he realized that they wouldn't have anyone to copy homework from if Hermione was gone. He pulled out his wand and burned the plant to death.
"Oh! Lockhart saved me!" Hermione declared.
Ron started to laugh. Half of her hair was singed off.
"Don't you mock Professor Lockhart!" Hermione scolded, completely missing the real reason Ron was laughing.
"Hermione, Lockhart didn't even save you," Neville commented.
"SILENCE! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS ANYMORE!" Hermione screamed, and stomped out.
It was going to be an interesting year, Harry decided. Ron poked the dead remains of the plant. Neville sighed sadly. He lost more plants this way.
Well, if you're still reading, CONGRATULATIONS! YAY! I'll update sometime in the future.
