Coco Pops Crime Gang
Coco Quinn, longtime crime fighter, and defender of all salted snacks,
today explained to the press how he foiled a Galway-based crime gang.
Former IT graduate Coco, who is now one of the top detectives in Galway
city, gave a valuable insight into his techniques, and how exactly he brought
an end to a series of crimes across the city.
Speaking from his lush pad in Salthill, Coco explained how the events
unfolded, in a candid interview with our reporter The Guv’nor.
Coco: …..and you can see here
where the thief climbed in through the window.
The Guv’nor: Am, we’re on the 3rd
floor, how do think he got all the way up here?
Coco: Oh…ah…..he must have had
a…….a……jetpack! Yeah, that’s it.
The Guv’nor: Riiiiggghhhhtt, and
these bars across the window?
Coco: Oh…..he must have cut them.
The Guv’nor: And you’ve had them
replaced I see?
Coco: No, no, he must have welded
them back in place when he left.
The Guv’nor: I see. So, what did
the thief take?
Coco: Well, he made his way down
the hall here, past the Van Gough paintings on the wall, past the Ming vase,
and into my bedroom, where he stole my 10 year old lap top with the broken
screen.
The Guv’nor: I see.
Coco: Then he made his escape
into the night, with a van hired especially for the job.
The Guv’nor: Oh, I seen the tyre
marks outside, and it looks like he scraped the gate on the way out.
Coco: No, I did that a couple of
weeks ago.
We made our way back to the kitchen to continue our discussion on the
dastardly deed. Coco made himself some blunch, a mealtime which he invented
between brunch and lunch.
Coco: *munch* *munch* Are u sue
you don wan sum of dis?
The Guv’nor: PARDON? I CAN’T HEAR
YOU ABOVE THIS RACKET.
After Coco had finished blunch, the interview continued…..
The Guv’nor: …just gimme a
second. My ears are still ringing. Right, so I see the laptop there on the
table.
Coco: Yes, exactly in the same
condition. It even has the DVD still in its drive.
The Guv’nor: Rivera 2? Is that a
documentary? It sounds familiar?
Coco: Yeah, it’s a documentary
alright. Very informative.
The Guv’nor: So, explain to our
readers how you got it back.
Coco: Well, as soon as I’d
discovered the break-in, and my laptop stolen, I did what any sane person would
do…..I rang my mother.
The Guv’nor: What?
Coco: She should get credit for
the plan to get the laptop back.
The Guv’nor: Ring the Gardai?
Coco: No, put an ad in the paper,
offering a reward for whoever returns the laptop. Next thing we know, we get a
call to meet us in a graveyard at 12am. So we went there in my car, and made
the exchange. The laptop for 600 Euro. He wanted a thousand, but what did he
think I was? An idiot?
The Guv’nor: *cough*
Coco: So I got the laptop back.
Thing is, I had to buy a new car, in case the thief spotted me in the same car
again, and tried to rob the spare tyre or something.
The Guv’nor: WHAT? So, a thief
breaks into your house, so therefore knows where you live, and you reckon you
should change your car? Makes perfect sense. Genius, pure genius.
Coco: *snort* I know!
The Guv’nor: Thanks for your time
Coco….you fucking FREAK!.
