Title: What Do You Gain?
Author: Erin
Rating: G
Distribution: The Archive. Force Haven.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. GL does.
Warnings: Not really. Nothing spoilery is here, unless you haven't seen any of the movies. vPairings: Obi/Ani, not explicitly. Mentions Padme.
Summary: Obi-Wan wonders about a few things, namely why Anakin did it.
Author's Note: Companion piece to "I Do It For Him", thought it was about time to hear his wonderings. I posted this at the Force Haven forum a few days, so some people may recognize it. Sorry it took me so long to get it posted here.


By definition it means to have a feeling of alarm or disquiet caused by danger, pain, disaster, or the like. It also means to be in a state or condition of alarm or dread, as well as to feel awe or reverence towards a supreme power.

To hear me speak in such a detached manner, one would think that I have no understanding of what I say.

To some extent, they would be right about that for I have never been one to fear what lies in the unknown future for my ally is the Force. It is a constant strength and source of comfort to me.

That was changed by one moment in a lifetime of moments. One moment in which my whole world was shattered. Shattered, shredded, irrevocably altered, never to be mended. Until that day, I did not comprehend how truly fear could overwhelm a being.

A life.

A city.

A world.

Even an entire planet.

Now I know fear intimately. I know its every curve, its every shape, every shadow it lives in. And, yes, even the light behind which it hides. This galaxy reeks of it in all its various meanings.

It breathes in all corners.

Lurks in the hearts of not only every denizen who dwell near the heart of the Empire, but also of those out into the Outer Rim where the fearsome power of Vader's fist seeks to crush all in his way.

Fear has taken on flesh and form of its own to feast upon all here, both the combatants and the allies.

Vader, my apprentice. My friend. The man who was once the greatest companion I ever knew. I trusted him with my life. Nay, with my very soul for he was dearer to me than any other I had ever met.

I loved him.

To my great shame, I still love him.

I loved him and he twisted that love in my heart. Wielding it with more deadly efficacy than his light saber. He rent me into myriads of pieces, rending those pieces into shards so tiny that they shall never be healed. Never to be pulled together.

Never to be put back into place to restore me to myself for how could I be me without him?

He was my beloved brother and I failed him.

Failed him in ways that I cannot even begin to understand, to contemplate. I unleashed this monster upon the Galaxy. It was not Darth Sidious, though I wish I could blame him for it does not seem right that I should carry this alone. I who loved him with an intensity that frightens me.

But I know the truth. The awful and painful truth that speaks within my empty, shriven soul.

I and no other am to blame for this…this unmitigated horror who haunts all.

Who hunts us and drives us before him as if we were no more to him than cattle.

Why did I not see it? How could he have hid this depth of darkness from me? How could he have so blinded me that I did not see beyond the shadows in his eyes? Shadows that came, I naively thought, from his forbidden love for Padme.

I was terribly mistaken and gave birth to the creature that is known as Darth Vader.

Vader stole my Anakin away from me. How could he have taken his beauty, his light, from my life so completely that not a trace of him remains? From the Galaxy that needed his protection, his laughing joy, and his boundless compassion for all creatures, be they living or robotic?

I did not think that such darkness as he has shown could be hid from sight, from thought.

Yet, Vader exists.

Why, Anakin? Why did you fall? Why do you do this to those you love? Those you once burned with an unquenchable fire to protect? What do you gain from this treachery for I see nothing but a wasted life? Nothing but wasted lives as all those who fight against you become chaff to your shifting scythe of death.

And in the silent, still beating of my heart I can almost hear him say you.

The End.

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