Title: Miraculous Misconception
Author: Freaky Anomaly
Genre: Humor / Romance / Slight Parody
Disclaimer: Nothing of Star Wars belongs to me, more's the pity. Sex being referred to as 'flower' comes from Friends.
Summary: Misconceptions abound, resulting in humorous situations and leading up to the most miraculous misconception of all.
Rating: R; no actual sex acts... sorry.
Archive: Sure. Just ask.
Author's Note: The Wheel of Time is temporarily on hold at the moment. My computer is in the shop and I start University soon so it might be a little bit longer before I get time to start it up again. This is my last hurrah before my mind gets occupied with the mundane thing called life. Yes this is another VIRGIN!Obi-Wan fic. It's a sickness. There's just something about grown, placid, always in control men being natural submissives in bed that gets my engines revving. This is a slight parody so don't fear Obi-Wan in any way... and besides, you don't know what's going on inside him during the movies; he could very well be a closet insecure dork who's too in tune with his feminine side.
! Miraculous Misconception !
A mistaken thought, idea, or notion; a misunderstanding
If you had the long held conception that one Jedi in particular was so pure, so true to the Force that one simply had to assume he'd not had a dirty thought in his life, you were bound to be disappointed. If that conception revolved around one Jedi with auburn hair and a beard that shouldn't have looked sexy but did and who was former Master to one very dirty minded Knight, then you would have been VERY disappointed... and maybe a little shocked.
For Obi-Wan had dirty thoughts more often than he would like to acknowledge. To be fair, the conception that was conceived was not a misconception at the time of its conceiving. At the time all conceptions made of this particular man were well and truly true... then he met Anakin Skywalker... then he met SIXTEEN year old Anakin Skywalker.
Our story starts just a few months after Anakin's Knighthood.
"MASTER!" Anakin shouted for the fifth time in two minutes. He watched in exasperated concern as the older gentleman shook out of his daze and stared confusedly at him. / Well, that's a long held conception shot to Hoth. I always thought he was all attention, zero nonsense. /
"Ana-" His voice was dry, hoarse - dare Anakin say... husky? as he stammered his friend's name. He cleared his throat and continued. "Anakin? What is it?" He dared glance into his young friend's eyes... bad idea. Eyes that haunted his thoughts in too many inappropriate ways. He flushed from head to toe... and yes he flushed even *there* - and yes, he checked in the mirror a couple of years back... just for medicinal purposes of course, not out of any dire need to see how horrified he'd be when his body decided to humiliate him if he ever chose to give his flower to someone.
Anakin waved his hand in front of his former Master and blinked as he jumped back and flushed so much Anakin was afraid he'd have to send for a Medical droid so as to make sure help was about when the poor man's cheeks exploded from the overdose of blood.
Obi-Wan did a little hop-skip-jump backward and Anakin's eyebrows soared into his hair line. The way the sandy brows arched over his beautiful dark blue eyes was almost too much for poor Obi-Wan. A thrill went through his entire body, finally settling in his flower, making it bloom even more than it already was. He quickly bunched his robe in front of his body, hoping Anakin had not seen his body's initial reaction and cleared his throat. He cleared it again.
It was hard to think as his seed leaked out of his throbbing tip, soaking the front of his tunic and raring to pollinate a man's - or more specifically Anakin's - flower. / I can't believe I am having such lascivious thoughts. It is so... uncivilized. / Hisflower wilted a little and Obi-Wan cleared his throat a final time. "Anakin. Remedial Diplomacy is done for today. You may go early. I wish to meditate."
Anakin's brows were already as far north as they could get so they decided to detour and turn south, furrowing over eyes filled with concerned amusement. The newly Knighted Jedi's trademark smirk appeared and he looked as if he was going to say something... then changed his mind. He picked up his things, nodded in a disturbing - and unidentifiable - manner and sauntered out of the room. Obi-Wan watched him go, his flower blooming again in full force as that ass swung to and fro. He turned toward the open window, conceivably to cool himself when he noticed that it was half past three... an hour past Anakin's time of dismissal. Oh.
Obi-Wan slid down the wall next to the open window and buried his head in his hands. Apparently his flower didn't want to do the owning, but wanted to *be* owned... interesting. / I think I like being slightly uncivilized. /
If you have the conception that one particular Knight was singularly obtuse and self-absorbed - the worst in the universe - you would be quite disappointed. Or - as the case might be - ecstatic (ahemJediCouncilahem).
If this particular conception revolved around one very sexually active, single (or so he liked to believe) Knight who had just as an exceptionally dirty mind as his he did bedroom eyes... once again you would be disappointed or ecstatic - once again depending on the specific side of the Force you affiliated yourself.
Now, if you had the conception that Anakin played dirty when he wanted to and enjoyed building up the tension and then taking - hard, fast, violently or slow, gently, sensuously depending on the type of person he was with - then... well, that one was true.
But if you had the conception that he disrespected his friend and former Master that he would use him in such a way... once again you'd be disappointed or ecstatic, depending on your Force affiliation.
Now on the other hand, if you had conceived a certain conception about a particular Knight - a conception that could have easily been conceived in the best possible way had you seen him on Tattooine with his mother - who liked to wear shining armor for his delicate Master than you would have been melted down into a puddle of bantha runs, sighing with an 'ahh!' And you would be totally right.
So now, having been given all these particular conceptions if you came to the conception that Anakin was going to build the tension slowly, gingerly, and sensuously... well, you'd be disappointed.
But if built the conception that Anakin would go fast, yet be gentle and sensuous all the same... you'd be all throbbing pink hearts about now.
"Sith take it!" Obi-Wan cursed as he looked at his still blooming flower. He didn't know how to make it go down. He never did. It always took time to go down, but this one seemed to want to stay forever. He was panicked! Qui-Gon had never gone over anything like this with! Granted, if he happened to be a normal man he would know how to do it himself but he'd always been too timid to touch his flower like that.
It hurt. It sent shocks of pleasure throughout his body, throbbing. It leaked like there was no tomorrow. He'd never seen his tip so... moist before. His seed oozed out, dribbled onto the carpeting of his bedroom, snaked its way down his stem to the bush his flower rested in.
His pelvic area was drenched with his essence, making him shiver as the air conditioning kicked on. As the cold air touched his flower, it twitched and swelled even more.
The slim, soft'n'creamy-despite-years-of-lightsaber-twirling hands rose slowly towards the rosy tip of his flower. His body started to shake; his breath came in hyperventilating wheezes. He put one hand on the back of his couch to steady himself as his other hand continued towards the target. Just as he was about to caress the juicy tip, his Visitor Alert buzzed.
Not able to take the pleasurable pain and the untimely interruption - not able to take any of it any longer, he let it out. "AAAAHHHHH!" He yanked his pants up, dropped his tunic over them, and belted up. He spun around and screamed again. He screamed and screamed and screamed. He continued screaming even as Master Windu and Master Yoda rushed in, lightsabers bared. He screamed until his head started to hurt, his throat throb, his eyes tear up. He screamed until his ears popped from the pressure... and still he screamed. His face turned red for an entirely different reason than its usual order. His lungs burned as the lack of oxygen made itself known, helping the overwrought man wind down, his scream fading slowly until it finally petered out.
The room was silent after the very un-Jedi display. The only noises that could be heard were the harsh gasps of Obi-Wan's lungs as he took deep breaths and the slight clicking of Master Windu's teeth as he glared disapprovingly. Yoda's ears twitched twice and then settled before the diminutive creature asked in a voice filled with undeniable amusement,"Want to know what you are doing, I do."
Obi-Wan flushed again - though you couldn't tell under the flush from his screaming - and cleared his throat. He walked as stately as a man who was out of breath from screaming for some minutes and still had a hard, blooming flower jutting out from his lower body could to get a relieving drink of water before answering.
He set the glass down, ran his hands through his hair and down his tunic, turned to the two masters. With a straight face and a slight tick in his left eyelid, he said,"I was releasing my feelings into the Force... with some force."
Just as Mace Windu was about to cast out one of his no doubt self important and witty - in his mind - comments, not to mention disapproving, the door zipped open and in ran Anakin, black tunic tail and long hair flying. His saber was out, his robotic hand clenched around the handle, an angry and possessive snarl adorning his face.
He stopped short when he saw the three Masters convening in the middle of the living room. He took stock of Obi-Wan's well-being, noting everything from the obvious flushed face and labored breathing to the miniscule that Windu and Yoda had missed... the slight ruffling of the clothes around his lower front, the tick in his left eyelid, the slightly uncomfortable distribution of his weight.
Despite the fact that everything had to be okay with the three men just standing there, Anakin wasn't going to take any chances. He stalked the room, looking in every nook, cranny, and crevice. He looked under the covers on the bed, out the windows, and on the terrace. He secured the place like the professional he was before coming to stand next to his Master.
Mace's face was scrunched up in a most dignified show of disgust. "You needn't have done that, Knight. We would have sensed any danger had there been any." A wave of the hand indicated the three older men.
Anakin raised an eyebrow, his scar stretching into his hairline. His prosthetic hand clenched, this time around thin air as his lightsaber had been secured in its place at his side. With his real hand, the Knight waved a hand to indicate only himself and Obi-Wan before saying,"I only trust the two I just so pompously indicated with my prissy hand gesture in an insulting mockery of you."
Mace's face closed off to a wall before he glared meaningfully at Yoda and stalked off. Yoda's ears twitched thrice before he, too, turned to leave. Obi-Wan raised a disapproving eyebrow at his friend before realizing that he wasn't exactly in any position to act superior.
If you had the conception that Obi-Wan would later reprimand Anakin for his complete lack of respect for a senior Council member you would have been surprised. If you conceived a conception about the immediate consummation of an obviously mutual attraction at this point in the story - accompanied by graphic sex details - you would once again be disappointed.
If you thought that this was the first step toward a new, even more meaningful relationship than the one before relationship, than your conception would in fact not be a misconception.
If you deduced that Padme was about to enter stage left... it would not be a misconception either.
Anakin lifted his hand to the side of Obi-Wan's face and allowed a caress. He smiled slightly, softly and ran that hand up onto his neck and into his hair. A gentle sigh escaped as the soothing motion brought peace to his flower. Not in the conventional way by relieving it in one of two ways. No, not that way because the world is never fair to Obi-Wan and any belief to the contrary would be a misconception.
No, it sent a shock of pleasure - muted now that the Lord and Master was within pollination proximity. The pleasure just seemed to stop and hold its position, neither gaining momentum nor decreasing. It was just a pleasant ache now, Anakin having calmed the wild beast.
Anakin started to lean in, watching as Obi-Wan bashfully lowered his lashes. Their lips were millimeters away when the door zipped open again, admitting none other than Anakin's secret and secretly pregnant wife, Padme.
Obi-Wan flinched at the glare thrown his way. He didn't have to bare the scorching heat for long as Anakin stepped in front and intercepted the Death Ray. He wasn't quite aware of what was going on or why Padme was angry with him because he had been distracted by a far more important piece of information... Anakin's ass. He knew there was yelling and some things most definitely flew by his head. There was silence, something that sounded like a laugh, but could have been a sob if you dunked your head underwater and simultaneously washed your ears out with a wire bantha brush.
The door closed and finally left the two of them alone. Sex was in the air. Anakin stalked the man, backing him into the wall. Just as the younger man pressed himself up against Obi-Wan, deciding to implement his fast, gentle, sensuous love-making plan right now, Obi- Wan asked,"Are you going to deflower me?"
That innocent sentence gave him pause... but not much. As much as it was his duty to... deflower his Master for his love as well as Obi-Wan's love, it was his duty to make sure a man as fine as Obi- Wan didn't go un-debauched. With the utmost care and love of course as well as a guarantee of a loving relationship for the rest of their lives afterward.
If you had the conception that Anakin wasn't a man of his word, well - for the sake of you readers who love happy endings - let's just say they were wrong. For those of you who like a little angst can pretend the conception was right and deal with the pain afterward... as well as ignore the complete give-away ending.
If you had a conception that Obi-Wan didn't give voice to his dirty thoughts... well, that's really up in the air. Some Padawans swear they can hear a crisp, sea-breeze accent talking in sweaty, sultry tones about flow - er, penis' shoved up rear ends hard and fast, fingers in mouths, sucking up seed in the bowels of the Temple most nights. Others would disagree and say all Obi-Wan talks about now-a-days are flowers and pollination, nothing dirty whatsoever.
If that was your conception... make of it what you will.
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