Title: Letting Go of Fear
Author : helgaleena
Category: slash, Obi-Ani
Disclaimer: Lucas is god of Star wars and owns everything; I am nothing
Summary: Anakin and Obi-wan discuss mortality, in light of separation by their duties
Warning: Obi knows already about Padme and the babies; helps to read my fic Dreams Come True
Authors note: contains my theory of Obi-Ani-Padme-Qui
"You might be killed, you know. After Jabiim I said I wouldn't let you out of my sight, and I meant it."
They were just exiting the chambers of the Jedi High Council, and the Council thought otherwise. Anakin was therefore upset, as he would not be accompanying his partner Obi-wan Kenobi on his mission to Utapau. Worse, in his own view, that he had needed to report the location of General Grievous to the Council himself, once Palpatine's spies had found it out, thereby putting his former master in this danger.
Obi-wan took a deep breath. "Anakin, you and I true-dreamed, with Padme, concerning your fear of death. Wasn't your fear of losing loved ones eased, with Qui-gon's help?"*
"To be honest, no, it wasn't. I don't want to lose either of you from this life. What would I do with our children if I didn't have Padme ?"
"Your mother managed alone. But you would not be; you know that I will love your children as my own, Anakin." Obiwan was looking entirely too serene, to Anakin. Storms were flashing in his shadowed eyes.
"Obi-wan, can you teach me to love my children, even if their arrival kills their mother?"
This silenced them both for a time. Finally Obi-wan responded; his former master never rushed to speech, which is what made him such a good diplomat.
"Anakin, we must eventually let all emotions, even these, merge into the Force. We cannot be ruled by what we feel. Emotions pass in time, like a planet's weather passes--storming strongly for a time, the the next season calmly shining.
"Though you may feel lost without Padme, or me, we will not cease to exist in that place which we know of through our connection with Qui-gon. And that feeling will pass, as all feelings must. What matters is that the Force within you is not lost. And that Force within will allow you to love your children in the end, as all children should be loved."
"But Padme is so much more important than what she means to me. When the living ship died, made for me by Zonama Sekot, it was horrible; you were there. But Padme was not made expressly for me; she is her own glorious being, and serving her people means so much to her, and to them. She is queen of more hearts than mine. She must not die!"
"Everyone and everything dies, Anakin." Obi-wan sighed, studying his dear partner, when he did not answer.
Nothing has to die, Anakin was thinking to himself. The team of Kenobi and Skywalker will not die; I will save it. The children of Skywalker-Naberrie will not die; I will forbid it. The queen of my heart will not die; I will prevent it, and make her queen of the galaxy as well. And if any younglings get in the way of our younglings, they will be shunted aside...it was all easy to arrange...
Palpatine had sat beside him, there at the opera, hand upon his shoulder, stroking his hand, telling him secret knowledge, and it had been intoxicating. His head had whirled with visions of the things he could do for them, once the war was decisively ended, with the assistance of his mentor, the Supreme Chancellor. Being a Jedi knight was all very well, but not for a family man. Palpatine's offer simply made more sense...
There had been a musky, incense-like aroma, cloyingly sweet, about the person of Palpatine. It reminded him, somehow, of the red haze that crept around his senses in the midst of battle, when he was serving as channel for vast Force energies, that sorted out the living and the dead for him...
He inhaled sharply, recalling himself. Obi-wan was staring at him, green eyes puzzled.
"Anakin, where did your thoughts go just now?"
"I was thinking about being the king of the universe." He smiled, his lashes lowering to render his own eyes mere slits. Obi-wan chuckled.
"Very funny. What would my position be in your administration be then, my lord?"
"Chief nurse and bodyguard to the royal heirs, of course. And ambassador at large. And chef, don't forget chef--" Obi had stopped laughing.
"Just now your servant needs a service, Anakin. My mind is not at ease with what Palpatine is asking of you. I could use some private reassurance of your state of mind regarding your new Council liason duty, and your willingness to act as double agent for the Order. It is a lot to ask of you."
"In that, my dear Obi-wan, I am your humble servant. " Gods, he's jealous of the Supreme Chancellor! That prune? I know I am in love with an older man, but not that old! He reached out to trace the curve of his partner's jawline, and his rosy lower lip. This was his beautiful Obi-wan, master of his heart, who had given him so much. We will never be parted, no matter how many bridges might need burning on the road ahead. Surely he will see the way all worlds would benefit from their continued collaboration....
"Let's collaborate on something, right now." He pulled Obi-wan by the sleeves of his formal robes, into an alcove of the Temple hall they had been pacing. A knowing look had come into his former master's green eyes; he knew what would happen next. It was the race to see whose mouth would meet whose the most swiftly. Already the shorter man was rising onto the balls of his feet, as Anakin's face came conspiratorially nearer.
And Obi-wan's teeth came down upon the deeply pendulous lower lip he loved, causing Anakin to groan aloud with desire. This was a race he didn't mind losing. Obi-wan's mouth was pulling and vacuuming at his as if extracting every bit of flavor from him, as if at any moment his teeth would tear a bit of him loose and swallow it. He wound his fingers into that red-gold hair and pulled their mouths closer still. The powerful arms of his partner were crushing their chests together, so tightly that it was a struggle to draw breath.
They burst apart again, both in need of oxygen.
"Stay with me, Anakin."
"What?" Confusion entered those limpid blue eyes. "Where else would I go?"
"I don't know..." Obi-wan's distress was unbearable. Anakin pulled him closer still, taking advantage of his longer limbs to completely enfold his love. For good measure he also wrapped Obi with one leg, grinding together their pelvises as well. He met Obi-wan's eyes squarely with his own.
"I am not going anywhere." And his lips slowly and deliberately kissed the tension away from that noble brow, closed those anxious eyes, and then licked up every bit of nectar from every crevice of that sweet mouth, until Obi-wan was moaning with pleasure, not fear.
Deep inside him, Anakin's own anxiety sank a hook into his heart. Obi-wan was going after Grievous soon--without him. That was the will of the Council. He was not allowed to go for the same stupid reason that Obi was ill at ease-- Palpatine. Damn the Council and the Senate both-- they will not come between us! But they could get my Obi-wan killed while I'm not there...
He began to stroke at Obi-wan under his robes, as if the passes of his hands over that beloved body would somehow make it invulnerable, charm it to resist all wounds. Obi-wan was kissing him in return, and setting up a rhythm of hips against his that syncopated with their elevated heartbeats. He moaned his appreciation into Obi's mouth. "Obi-wan, don't you leave me--"
Suddenly Obi-wan's hand closed decisively around his manhood. Anakin's eyes snapped open. The green eyes drew back from his shoulder, to meet his.
"You know I will be back."
In response, Anakin grasped hard upon the same portion of Obi-wan. Holding thus the keys to one another's pleasure, they regarded each other, at truce.
Anakin's gaze traveled ever deeper into the ocean depths of his master's eyes. He felt as if his own eyes were a well into which Obi-wan had plunged...
The vision took them in suddenly, into the presence of Qui-gon Jinn. Both of them were staring into the sky-blue eyes of their deceased master, here upon the plane of dreams. Both were held, not by one another, but by Qui-gon. He surrounded them fully, as if they were not three persons, but one. He was like a serene mountain, within and without them.
It seemed to Anakin that upon the mountain that was them, two tiny figures were ascending. On different parts of its vast slopes were a little blond boy and a little dark-haired girl. Each stopped to observe the flight of insects, the bloom of flowers, upon their paths upwards, journeys gradually unfolding in the fullness of time. It was as if their footsteps upon it blessed the mountain of them, the ones who had gone before. He could feel Obi-wan smiling....
With a jolt they were back again, looking at each other. Obi-wan was indeed smiling. He felt a smile upon his own lips, and a new serenity. He took in a generous breath and answered Obi-wan.
"Yes, my heart, you will be back."
"In a way, we never leave, do we?"
As one, they released each other, relaxing into a companionable embrace.
"You know, Obi, I think I may be able to manage to love my children, no matter what."
"I know you will, Anakin; you're only human."
Am I? Is the Chosen One only human? The niggling thought would not leave him, for some reason, even as they continued down the corridor, arm in arm.
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