Electrical Lighting Proven to be the Source of Masturbation!

     "Nowhere in the Bible is electrical lighting ever mentioned," began Rev. E. Dwayne Looper in an impassioned sermon at December's TAKE BACK AMERICA FOR JESUS rally held in Bendover, Alabama. TAKE BACK AMERICA FOR JESUS is a movement of concerned Born-Again Christians who want to return America to its Godly roots by exterminating, uh, rather outlawing -- yes, that is what we meant, -- by outlawing all that which is not approved by God in his Holy Word, the King James Version of the Bible from 1611. 

    "Our so-called 'modern conveniences' are killing us," warned Reverend Looper as he showed graphic images depicting the evils of modern life on large screen monitors. One scene featured a man masturbating while looking at internet pornography. The Christian crowd began to boo and hiss and some even began to leave the packed 100,000 seat JESUS-NASCAR Motor Speedway in Bendover, Alabama. "Wait, wait!" Looper shouted, "This is the truth of sin! This image is just like the aborted fetuses we show! We must show the world its own evil self!"

     The multitudes realized the truth of Looper's words and returned. "It is true," Looper continued, "that every single non-Christian in America masturbates to internet pornography and, I've even heard rumors that some Christians do!" The crowd grew spectacularly quiet, collectively sunk in their seats, and refused to look at each other. 

    "Look," Reverend Looper said, "There's no use lying about it: Christians masturbate and it is caused, not by Satan as is popularly believed, but rather by electrical lighting. You see, the human eye was never meant to be exposed the unnatural glare of artificial light. Moreover, humans were never meant to go into space. So whenever a rocket ship pierces the atmosphere, something bad happens on earth because certain demons -- who are otherwise kept out of earth by our atmosphere -- can sneak in through the tear in the atmosphere. Think of this way," Looper explained, "A rocket ship is a demonic penis, just like the evil obelisks of Satan in Egypt or the evil Freemason Washington Monument, which is a Satanic obelisk. And what is an obelisk, except the erect penis of Satan?" Looper then placed these images on the screen and the crowd gasped in horror:

The Erect Penis of Satan Expressed in Technology and Architecture

    Looper continued, "One day back in 1879, a demon came to earth when the Jewish scientist Jules Verne launched a secret rocket ship into space. Sure, it was a crude rocket ship by today's standards, but it tore a hole in the atmosphere of earth. What Verne was really doing was Satanic desecration, for he was launching an erect penis into the virginal hymen of the earth's atmosphere. This let an arch-demon enter and this demon -- whose name was 'Lumenis' -- gave Thomas Edison the secret of how to make an artificial light bulb. From there, all kinds of light bulbs were invented, including the flashlights that boys used in the past to look at dirty pictures and masturbate while hidden under blankets in their beds at night. And what is a computer monitor but an artificial light? Ditto for a movie picture screen or a television. So you see, we must destroy and outlaw all artificial lighting because it has caused this pandemic of photon-induced masturbation."

The crowd rose to its feet in wild applause. Guns began firing at every light bulb in the JESUS-NASCAR MOTOR SPEEDWAY. Looper implored the crowds to stop. "Halt in the name of God!" he shouted over the din of gunfire, "We need light bulbs at church and in Christian stadiums, or stadia, where the Gospel is preached and stock car's are raced. God says artificial lighting is okay, but only if it glorifies God as does worship in church, watching pro-wrestling, or enjoying stock car racing while drinking a Budweiser. These are all wholesome family activities that glorify God." The crowd applauded once more. An offering was then taken, after which the crowd left the stadium and destroyed every light bulb, computer monitor, television, movie projector, and flashlight in a three hundred mile radius. This "Bonfire of the Vanities" is certain to stop the myriad forms of masturbation in the area. Well, except for perhaps autoerotic asphyxiation, which does not require lighting of any kind. To stop this practice, all belts and ropes will be destroyed.

Is it no wonder that Looper is a hero to the Christian masses?

_____

Below are  Looper's tips for preventing masturbation. If these fail, then one must take stern measures.

TOOLS FOR OVERCOMING A CHRONIC HABIT OF MASTURBATION

1. Understand that the battle is the Lord's. You don't have the power in and of yourself to overcome masturbation (or any other chronic sin). You are actually pretty powerless and your Father will have to be the one to create righteousness in you. Rely on God to create new desires in your heart and to give you the fruit of peace and self-control. You will be amazed as you trust in your Father at how the "want-to"s of your heart will really change over time. As a Christian you ARE being transformed into the image of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18). Don't try harder. Participate in the miracle and cut off your penis if necessary.

2. Scripture Memory - Get these Scriptures into your head and heart. Quote them when you get up in the morning and whenever you are tempted. They will help you to renew your mind and the Holy Spirit will use them to teach you to think differently.

Romans 13:14 "Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature."

Romans 8:6 "The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace."

John 8:34,36 "Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

3. Work on victory only one day at a time:

Never think about getting victory for the rest of your life.

Here is the way to think: "My roommates are all out of the apartment. Lord, just let me get through this one afternoon." If this fails, run out into the streets screaming that demons of lust are attacking you.

4. Remind yourself how long it's been since the last time you masturbated. One hour? Hmmm, well that is at least a start. See if you can build up to one day.

"I've had victory for a whole week. Praise God! Now do I really want to go through that guilt again just to start over again? NO, not today!"

5. Remember and review the long-term effects of masturbation. Which are..., er? Loss of short term memory, I think.
   
   The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 1 Corinthians 16:13

6. If you sin, it's a little bit easier to sin the next time; but the opposite is also true -- resist and it will make you stronger. Unless you are a homo, in which case you will masturbate no matter what God says.
   
   Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7.
   
   Resist the devil, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:9.

7. Engage in some type of strenuous exercise. Go and burnout and it will lessen the desire. One guy would go and do chin ups until his arms felt like they would fall off. Alternately, you could go and beat the crap out of non-Christians.
   
   Therefore, I do not run like a man aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Corinthians 9:26-27.

8. Avoid any situation that tempts you personally. Avoid it. Change it. Expose it. Purify your environment. Remove anything from your home or place of work that causes you to want to sin sexually -- books, magazines, videos, internet access, etc. Also, stop wearing your sister's panties. What is wrong with you anyway?
   
   I will set before my eyes no vile thing. Psalm 101:3
   
   Flee from sexual immorality. 1 Corinthians 6:18.
   
   Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22.
   
   Find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11.

9. Be accountable to another Christian brother. Call a Christian friend with whom you can fellowship during this time of temptation. However, do not let this turn into "phone sex" or a "circle jerk."
   
   He who trusts in himself is a fool. Proverbs 28:26.
   
   Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil, to take part in wicked deeds with men who are evildoers; let me not eat of their delicacies. Let a righteous man strike me--it is a kindness; let him rebuke me--it is oil on my head. My head will not refuse it. Psalm 141:4-5.
   
   Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16.

10. Change your habits of thinking. This is also the area that will take the most work. Quick and easy victory is unlikely. This is a war, not just a battle. Use drugs such as heroin or LSD to help you stop masturbating. Drug addiction is not as bad as sexual perversion. I mean, what is worse: bed sheets soiled with sexual fluids or a discarded syringe? You decide.
    
    Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. Romans 12:2.
    
    Ask the Lord to show you why you have wrong desires. Give some serious thought to figuring out why you masturbation. A chronic habit of masturbation is usually a emotional substitute for something. It's like a drug we use to anesthetize our emotional pain. Are you using masturbation to overcome sadness, lack of self-esteem, feelings of rejection, or fear of failure? If so, then you are confusing psychological/spiritual issues with sex. Masturbating isn't going to help you mature emotionally. It will only keep you childlike. Take some time to really figure out what masturbation is being used for in your life. Then separate out the psychological issues from God's gift of sex. Ask God to reveal any burdens or anxieties you are carrying, then give them back to Him. Further, quit looking at lesbian porn. It is hot, to be sure, but it is still sinful.
    
    Changing your habits of thinking may require talking with someone. A wise Christian brother or a Christian counselor can be invaluable in pointing out different ways of thinking and acting -- as long as he or she is not a secret queer.
    
    Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22.

11. Get in the habit of praising and thanking God for the way you are, including your sex organs. Thank Him for making you a sexual being and ask Him to help you control yourself so you can enjoy sex in its proper context. Remember: Your hands were not meant to massage your glands!
    
    I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14.

12. If you yield to the temptation, confess as soon as possible, and don't dwell on it. You will feel guilty because you have given in to your flesh and have obeyed it desires, but don't keep punishing yourself about it. Instead rejoice in the cleansing, forgiving power of the blood of Jesus Christ. Your standing with God, your Father is because of Jesus' righteousness, not yours. Renew fellowship with your Father immediately and again reckon yourself dead to sin. Tell yourself over and over that you are a perverted failure and a disappointment to God and your parents.

13. Grow spiritually. Don't stop serving or learning. Sometimes guilt makes us feel like we are not worthy to serve in the church or associate with other Christians. That is Satan's trap to keep you away from God's grace (Romans 8:1). Don't run from the streams of God's grace. Stay involved and active. Becoming more like Christ in other areas will help you in this one. Jesus was a 30something single man and he hung around with other 30something single men. They ate and bathed together. They slept in the same, uh, well, they camped together, let's just leave it at that. 

For more on weapons to use in your battle against lust see Weapons for the War.