Colonel Lyman O'Dell, USMC (ret) Issues a Stern Warning to  Those Who Would Burn the Stars and Stripes
  

    Listen up uou goddamned pukes! It's me, Colonel Lyman O'Dell, USMC (ret). And I'm here to say that there are millions of Nazis,
Chicoms, North Koreans, Viet Cong, and Iraqi soldiers who would cheer you on from hell as you try to burn and desecrate Old Glory, the banner under which they were chopped apart by the blazing guns of the free people of America whom they tried to destroy!
    You're gonna have to get past me and my men to desecrate Old Glory as she hangs in front of the home in which I live! I don't give two shits if my grandson doesn't like the fact that a 30' x 30' flag of my country hangs from atop a 100 foot pole in front of my home either. What does that kid know? He also doesn't like the Shrine I built to the Virgin Mary in the backyard, but the symbols of God and Country follow me wherever I go, as do some choice weapons.
    Now that I know certain people on this mb have Communist leanings and would desecrate my flag, I have erected a machine gun nest in the front yard and armed it with a vintage .50 caliber machine gun I brought home from Germany so many years ago. Situated as we are on a bend in the street, I have a commanding 270 degree sweep of fire.
   My fellow patriots represent different theaters of foreign wars. Among them are Brig. Gen. Fred Henry (Viet Nam) and Major Carl Peterson (WWII and Korea) who are encamped with me round and about Old Glory. The General is in a pillbox across the street with some surplus Desert Storm LAWS rockets and another .50 caliber. With the two .50's positioned in mutually supporting positions, we can pour deadly crossfire into any flag-burning miscreants who step foot onto the street. We will mow them down like so many Hitler Youth or those goddamned Iraqi pissants that Saddam tried to pass off as soldiers!
    Major Peterson (Desert Storm and Panama) is hidden in a bunker guarding the rear approach in the backyard. He is armed with a pair of twin .50's salvaged from a B-17 (he liberated them from an old and forgotten Fortress parked out at the Mojave ANG and still armed), a sniper rifle, and rocket-propelled grenades. My advice: Don't mess with Major Peterson or he'll send you to hell faster than an angry YHWH on methamphetamines!
    We also have Lt. Andy Holt, S.Sgt. Dean Watson, and Corporal Marcus Stanton (all of Desert Storm) manning a 105mm self-propelled gun. The 105 is for threats in the distance and we spent last night ranging it in so we can step the fire in beginning two miles away in any direction. The 105mm is mobile and patrols the perimeter. We have spotters and snipers in the surrounding hills and canyons.
   The local police approve of our weaponry and tactics and have even assigned us one of the tactical frequencies that is scrambled. The local police agree that flag burning and any misbehavior in general is not acceptable. These fine men and women in blue routinely beat teen-agers down at the mall who are rude. This is done for the good of the community and none of the adults complain because they know they had better not! Their children are beaten for the common good, as they will be if they complain or file charges!
    We even have air cover ready. Captain Bud Haverman, Triple Ace, Korea, has armed his P-51 racing warbird with its standard complement of six .50 calibers and upgraded it to include some very modern air to ground missiles. The missles are carried on racks affixed to hard points underneath the wings. Captain Haverman is standing by at a nearby private airfield and is ready to climb into the heavens and rain down death from the skies upon any godless, flag-burning homos or Catholic-hating Satanists who would desecrate the Shrine to the Virgin Mary in the backyard.
    My steady finger is on the trigger. All I need to do is pull it and the gun will do the rest of the work. Step into my crosshairs you worthless flag-burners and I will tear you to shreds the same way I did to all of those Nazi soldiers, Nazi housewives, and Nazi babies back in the glorious days of April, 1945, as the curtain was falling on the Third Reich and Der Fuhrer was ready to blow his brains out rather than face Allied Justice. We had a noose ready for the Fuhrer after a humiliating trial at Nuremburg and he knew it. That's why he stuck the business-end of a Waffen SS Luger in his mouth, pulled back the hammer,
squeezed the trigger, and splattered his evil blood and brains across the dingy walls of his bunker as the Sturm und Drang of Allied fire closed in upon him.
    Listen up you worthless flag-burners, I think you should follow Hitler's example and stick a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. That way you can be with your Idol in Hell. If you don't, we will get you sooner or later! Sure, you'll get a midnight trial in some darkened garage, but the sentence we give you for flag burning won't be like any given to you by some liberal court who will slap your hand. No. You will rather be tied to a post like a common Nazi thug to face The Firing Squad of God. As the bullets of justice rip through you and your life blood pours from your limp form, you will hear Satan laughing in the background as he readies to take your deluded soul to Purgatory and then on to Hell when you are found not worthy of redemption by the Holy Mother of God or her Son, the Holy Savior of mankind who took the ancient equivalent of an AK-47 round to the head for your sins.