Dentists are a nice group of people who wear white lab coats and pajamas all the time. They have little protective glasses and masks and paper shirts and all sorts of goofy dentist-only attire. They are the people who work on your teeth to make them, um, better I guess. Cause sometimes, um, teeth get bad and don't chew as well, I think. Or, sometimes, they can get rebellious and fight each other like territorial animals, and the dentists break it up. But beyond that, what is their job, really?

There are a number of tasks that dentists and only dentists are trusted enough to handle. Such as flossing. Except when a dentist flosses, instead of using string or floss like most of the stupid public uses, they use large expensive metal devices that cause 10 times the pain. That way the subject is scared into submission for all of the other unnecessary things they do to them. After flossing (which is a Greek word for "causing the gums to bleed profusely") they move on to scrubbing your teeth. I say scrubbing instead of brushing because when they do it, instead of using a tooth brush or a special dentist regulation tooth brush, they use a belt sander. Then, after the tooth is completely rubbed off, they fit you with dentures. After scrubbing your tooth into oblivion, they have this little tool, which I can only imagine they call the 'gum stabber' but I think it may be called a prodder, that is entirely meant to make you bleed. They will tell you this if you ask. This tool is protruded into your gums until you bleed, then they make a note of how deep it got before you bled and started cursing loudly and this is their job.

These procedures only happen if you are just getting a cleaning. If you're getting a cavity filled, teeth pulled, a tongue piercing, braces, tattoos, etc. the procedure is much much worse. Let's walk through what you go through when getting 4 cavities filled, as I had done to me this morning.

1. Pep Talk. This is when the hygienist (Spanish for "failure") comes over and asks what school you go to, how your week is going, what you're in for, what's that ugly scar on your forehead, and things like that. The sole purpose of this is like petting a sheep that's going to get slaughtered -- there is no purpose but to satisfy the hygienist's cruel and sadistic fetish. After the assistant talks to you, the dentist comes in and does the same thing, except goes into detail on the procedure of filling your four cavities. They also are required by Federal law to give you a stern look and ask why you got four cavities in the first place. I always respond to this question by saying "I eat rocks" when in reality, they're caused by candy. After the stern look they move on to the...

2. Numbing Agent. They say numbing agent because the only other name for it is "needle that will cause pain" and not as many people like that term, except for heroine addicts. First, they put some putty in your mouth that slightly numbs the skin over your gums, but that's not enough because the crap that they have to do to fill a cavity will seriously mess up the nerves inside your gums, so then they have to give you a shot. The needle is full of a liquid known as 'novocaine' which is a similar drug to 'cocaine.' They pump 200 metric gallons into your mouth in four strategically (randomly) chosen places until everything you try to say turns into "Bfshhhh whsshhsssff llsffff." This way, when they ask you to verbally agree to the experimental procedure they're going to do on you, 'no' turns into 'nffssss' which in turn means 'yes.' The next step is the...

3. Drill. The drill is the most interesting and maniacal device inside the dentist's office. It isn't very powerful, which means it would take a long time to bore into one's skull, and it is only effective as a torture device when applied to specific areas. Luckily, dentists have studied these areas and found that the most painful place to use this is in the middle of someone's tooth. The drill is made on a Federal contract from Lockheed Martin to ensure that the drill is capable of 15,000 pounds of pneumatic pressure and makes that annoying 'brwwwhr!' noise the whole time it's on. The dentists use this drill to scrape out a large enough hole in your tooth to put in the...

4. Material. I don't know what this is. It may be concrete, permacrete, plastic, plastic wood, sugar, glue, hot glue, crazy glue or anything else, but dentists always call this stuff the 'material.' I think they do this so that the patient (or impatient, depending on the amount of narcotics injected into their bloodstream in part 2) doesn't know what they're using. Maybe this is because different religions don't allow certain materials used as tooth fillings; for example, Jews do not allow pork, Mormons don't allow caffeine and Catholics don't allow condoms. That could be one reason, or maybe material is a codeword for 'tracking device' so they can monitor where your tooth goes. Either way, it tastes like a colostomy bag and smells like ammonia. The next step is...

5. Ultra-Violet Light. This is a fairly new technology which solidifies the material in your tooth so that it doesn't come back out. The light tricks the material into thinking that a super flaming gay man is coming by (ultra-violet, or super-purple has been classified as the gayest color ever, with the exception of whatever color AIDS is) to rape your cavity. The material then freezes up in terror and accomplishes the task for which you came to the dentists. Of course, no dentist visit would be complete without...

6. Being Held At Drill Point Until You Come Up With The $40 Co-Pay. Just when you think that you're done and get to leave and go and tell the world that you survived, you get stopped at the front desk by a guard named Bruno and his attack dog. The dentist comes up behind you and threatens to jam the drill into your nipples if you don't pay up. Everybody then claims that their insurance is supposed to cover it, and that's why you spent ninety metric hours filling out forms in the waiting room (aka dungeon). Dentists are smarter than this though, and they know that every single person lies and makes up their insurance policy on the spot, so just to be safe, they charge you at least $40 per tooth. After you write the check, swipe your card or provide them with $40/tooth's worth of entertainment, they may finally let you go. Of course, once you do actually make it out, you will realize that you spent the better part of six months inside the building and it is again time for you next visit to the dentists. You cram as much candy and rocks into your mouth as you can before you get back in line to fill out the forms that you just filled out because they've already lost them and then repeat the whole procedure.

While the dentist's office may not be the most fun place in the world (actually, it ranked 2nd behind Federal Prison), it does provide you with a goofy voice when your mouth doesn't work ever again. Of course, you could just pay some hobo $2 to smash your mouth in with a hammer to get the same effect.