ZNEN:

The Zelda News and Entertainment

Network

Offstage voice: Next time, on All My Skullkids, Jinu plays a new song for the Deku Scrubs!

---Commercial Break---

Commercial voice: Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? Then you need… Cuccos!

(A blurry picture of a fairy comes on the screen)

Blurred Fairy: I was always upsetting my Kokiri, Saria. But my Cucco changed, and saved, my life!

(Cucco Lady comes on the screen)

Cucco Lady: Just call 1-800-4-CUCCOS!

---Next Commercial---

Voice: Are you old?

(They show a picture of the Lake Hylia Professor)

Voice: Stressed?

(They show Zelda falling over)

Professor and Zelda: YES!

Voice: Then you need "Fairy In a Bottle"!

P+Z: Really?

Voice: This little fairy will revive you the second that you drop!

P+Z: Wow! We'll take two!

---Commercial Break ends---

Navi: Welcome to ZNEN's Special Presentation for this week! The Season Premiere of "The Hyrule Survival Game" sponsored by the Gemini Company!

(A fanfare plays)

Navi: On to you, Rauru!

Rauru: Welcome to our Season Premiere! For all the poor souls out there watching this, may the Triforce protect you. This season's participants are…

Link, Hero of Time!

(Link flashes a smile. A Hylian girl pops up)

Hylian girl: He's so cool!

(Link walks up to her)

Link: Good job. (He gives her 50 Rupees)

Hylian girl: Thanks. But, just so you know, I didn't mean it! You're a total dork! (She runs off, laughing crazily)

Zelda, Princess of Hyrule!

Zelda: That's right! I'm cool, too!

(A Goron pops up behind her)

Goron: She's so fat!

(Zelda punches him)

Zelda: You're lucky that there aren't any Black Monolith Blocks around here, buddy! Let me remind everyone at home that I'm the sweetest!

Mido, Boss of the Kokiri!

Mido: I have but one thing to say. FLOWER POWER RULES!

Malon, the owner of a ranch!

Malon: It's Lon Lon Ranch! Lon Lon! How hard is that! (She sighs) I don't have to take this. Bessie, get him!

(A cow barrels down on Rauru)

(Malon laughs maliciously)

Nabooru, Queen of the Gerudos!

Nabooru: Hello! I'm Nabooru, Sage of Spirit, Queen of the Gerudos!

(You hear yelling in the background)

Nabooru: Don't pay attention to that! I'm the all-powerful ruler! Bow to me!

(Nothing happens)

Nabooru: I said BOW!

(All bow but Ganondorf)

Ganondorf: I'm invisible!

(Nabooru sighs)

Saria, Sage of the Forest!

Saria: I'm the Forest Sage, friend to all Kokiri!

(You can hear crickets chirping)

Saria: No one appreciates me! I should have taken that job offer from Ganondorf!

(Link pops up)

Link: Greenhead!

Saria: See what I mean!?

Darunia, Leader of the Gorons and Sage of Fire!

Darunia: I like rocks.

All: …….

Ganondorf, the Evil Guy!

Ganondorf: Is Link here? Is he there? What about in that building? (He says all this in a terrified manner)

Ruto, Princess of the Zoras and Sage of Water!

Ruto: I'm coming, Linky!

Link: Linky!?

Ruto: I'll protect you Linky-poo!

Link: (jumps behind Darunia) Sworn Brothers, right? So help me!

Darunia: But not in this situation…

Link: You rock-eating jerk! (he turns to Rauru) Hey, you! Ancient man!

(Rauru turns to him)

Link: Save me! (he runs to Rauru)

(Rauru pushes Link away repeatedly, but each time, Link gets behind him again. The whole time, Ruto is being held back by Darunia. Rauru sighs, raises his microphone, which is somehow floating at the edge of his sleeve, and hits Link in the head with it. Link falls to the ground unconscious.)

Rauru: And now, our contestants will enter the car that will transport them to the Haunted Wasteland, where their trailer is located. They will be living there for quite a while, that's all I'll say. Get in!

(They all enter the car and throw Link in the corner. The car is a limousine and Rauru is the chauffer)

Ruto: My poor Linky-poo!

Nabooru: Please don't say that.

Ruto: My poor Linky-poo!

Malon: Stop it!

(Link wakes up, dazed)

Ruto: Linky-poo!

Saria: STOP!

(Link wakes up fully)

Ruto: Link! Darling! Sweetheart! FIANCEE!

Link: (screams and jumps into Darunia's lap) STAY AWAY FROM ME, I TELL YOU! IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER, I'LL GET RESTRAINING ORDERS!

(Darunia punches him and he flies across the car and smacks into the opposite wall)

Ruto: Anything you say, Linky-poo!

Malon: YES! (she grabs four sets of pom-poms and hands them to Zelda, Saria, Nabooru, and takes a pair for herself.)

Z, S, M, and N: GO, DARUNIA! GO, DARUNIA! D-A-R-U-N-I-A! GOOOOOOOO, DARUNIA! SMACK THAT LINK!

(Link gets up)

Ganondorf: Oh, no! It's-

NEWS FLASH

Navi: We have an update concerning the Kokiri Revolt of Last Tuesday.

(a video clip begins and shows a roof collapsing into a building and people are running and screaming)

(Navi comes back on the screen. A pink fairy is fixing her wings, and a green fairy is putting powder where Navi's face would be if she had a face)

Navi: Are we back on air…?

(Cameraman nods)

Navi: Oops! (She shoos away the other fairies then folds her little arms) No one, thankfully, was hurt in the collapse. Now back to our original programming.

The Hyrule Survival Game

Ganondorf: -Link! Stay away!

Navi: What's your problem?

Rauru: What's she doing here? There's only supposed to be nine contestants.

Link: What do you mean? (He sits down between Zelda and Malon and puts on a pair of sunglasses. They slowly inch away)

Rauru: The floating light bulb!

Link: Oh, Navi? She's just kind of… here… I guess…

Rauru: Okay.

Link: Good afternoon. (He leans back into the seat and folds his arms behind his head. Zelda and Malon move farther away from him)

Navi: Hold on! Aren't I your best friend?

Link: (starts laughing) That's a good one, fairy!

Mido: Photo-op! (he pulls out a camera. Link puts his arms around Zelda and Malon's shoulders smiling. However, Mido takes the picture too late, at it shows both girls slapping Link.)

Navi, Zelda, and Malon: Jerk!

Saria: Pig!

Link: (he's rubbing his cheeks where he was smacked) What did I do to you?

Saria: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you called me "greenhead"!

Link: I was joking!

Saria: Sure you were…

Link: (In an obnoxious, girly-girl manner) Whatever. (he holds out hand) Talk to the ears 'cause the hands don't want to hear it, sister!

Saria: Dork.

Link: Hush up.

Saria: Hush...up...?

Link: I'm not allowed to say "shut up", "stupid", "idiot", or anything else like that.

(Navi gasps)

Nabooru: You're not allowed to? (She's laughing like crazy)

Link: The Deku Tree.

Navi: I'M TELLING ON YOU!

Link: NOOOOOOOO!

Navi: The Great Deku Tree forbid you from saying those things!

Link: I know! I beg of you, don't tell!

Nabooru: That's really sad.

---Commercial Break---

Voice: If you're old…

(Dampe the gravekeeper comes on screen)

Dampe: I'm over 500 years old!

Voice: …ugly…

(They show Adult Link)

Link: Yes! What do I do?!

Voice: Go to the Temple of Time!

Link: How do I do that?

Voice: Well… you go to Hyrule Castle Town and then go to the Temple of Time. There, you'll replace the Master Sword and go back in time seven years! You can be young again! To make things easier for yourself, you could also call the number at the bottom of the screen and get a list of instructions!

Link: What number? What screen?

Voice: The one in front of your face, dummy!

Link: I still don't see it.

Voice: Never mind…

---Next Commercial---

(Adult Malon is sitting on Epona in the corral at Lon Lon Ranch.)

Malon: When I was younger, my father Talon was extremely lazy. He slept in until after noon, leaving all the work to our farm hand, Ingo, and me. We tried everything from Deku Sticks to bugle horns. Why, I even traveled to Hyrule Castle Town to get Bombchu! But nothing ever worked. Finally, I met the Cucco Lady in Kakariko Village. She gave me Cuccos, and now my father has been waking up at dawn every day!

(Cucco Lady comes on screen)

Cucco Lady: Just call 1-800-4-CUCCOS!

---Next Commercial---

(The Serenade of Water starts to play repeatedly as images of Zora's Domain are shown. They include the Zora's Waterfall and King Zora's Chamber.)

Voice: Come to Zora's Domain, a place of tranquil waters and serene days. The friendly Zoras will escort all around their lovely home. Come, relax, be happy.

(Ruto appears on screen)

Ruto: If you come, you can get my autograph! (flutters her fins) As a souvenir, you will also get an authentic, plastic replica of the Zora's Sapphire!

(A disgruntled Zora comes on the screen)

Zora: I'm your tour guide, Ligo. Tours go on from 9:00 am to 8:00 pm. Guest accommodations are available. You all had better listen to me, or I'll accidentally push you off the waterfall.

(Ruto comes back holding a little book)

Ruto: Call 1-800-569-ZORA for this free brochure. Zora Tours are available for anyone! Especially Linky!

---Continuation of the Temple of Time Commercial---

Link: I found the number!

Voice: Good for you.

--End of Commercial Break---

Hyrule Survival Game

Rauru: Welcome back! Our contestants are preparing to enter the trailer!

(Meanwhile, no one is listening. Nabooru is looking at her self with a mirror compact, Darunia is holding onto Ruto, preventing her from attacking Link. Ganandorf is standing away from the others, his arms crossed and his face in a look of terror. Link is grinning evilly and staring at Malon.)

Link: Hey, Malon. I'm sorry about earlier.

Malon: And I'm sorry that I had to smack you.

Link: So how are you doing?

Malon: Fine. How's Epona?

Link: Oh, she's fine. I've been sticking her with tacks every day.

Malon: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?

Link: Yeah! And I've been starving her the past couple of weeks.

Malon: WHY YOU LITTLE-! (she crumbles to the ground sobbing)

Zelda: You evil jerk! (She tries to comfort Malon)

(Meanwhile....)

Saria: Mido, YOU DON'T LOVE FLOWERS!

Mido: Yes, I do.

Link: Yes, he does.

Saria: Who asked you?

Link: I don't need to be asked.

(Saria scoffs)

Rauru: Each of you will recieve a diary, and you are not allowed any contact with the outside world. You do, however, ave a television, a DVD Player, a VCR, a collection of video games from various systems, many various video game systems, and a collection of videos and DVDs. You also have running water and plenty of food.

Rauru: PEOPLE!!!!

(Everyone freezes)

Rauru: Did you hear what I just told you?

Nabooru: There's too much sand around here! It's getting into my hair!

Rauru: DID YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?

All:(slowly) Y...E...S...

Rauru: Good. Now get inside and I'll tape today's episode for you to watch.

(They board the trailer)

Rauru: Here's your diaries. (He hands each of them a leather-bound book with their names on the cover.)

Link: Wow. Does that say "Link"?

Rauru: (stares at him speechlessly) Yes. Can't you spell your name?

Link: Well... I thought I could. But... I always thought that it was spelled "Qzzwry5".

Rauru: Well, that's wrong. (He rolls his eyes) The trial begins... (He shuts the door)

DAY ONE

Link: What to do...

Saria: Hush up! You've been saying that for the last fifteen minutes!

Link: Fine.

Saria: (amazed) You'll be quiet?!

Link: Sure. As long as we can play Super Smash Bros. Melee.

Zelda: Do we have it?

Link: Uh, DUH! Look in the box!

(She does. It is.)

Link: I call myself!

Zelda: Ditto! I mean, I call Zelda!

Ruto: I call blue Zelda!

Zelda: Fine, I call pink Zelda!

Ruto: Who cares? I'll whip you anyway!

Zelda: Sure!

Ruto: Watch me!

Link: Who else wants to play?

Mido: I call Jigglypuff!

(Everyone pauses)

Zelda, Link, and Ruto: JIGGLYPUFF?!?!?!?

Mido: Yes! Isn't it the perfect choice?

(Evil grins spread over Link, Zelda, and Ruto's faces and they look at each other, nodding)

Z, L, and R: It's a great idea!

(They start to laugh uncontrollably)

Nabooru: What are you idiots laughing about? (she just jerked herself out of an important phone conversation)

Malon: I was just wondering, how did you get a phone? I mean, it's against the rules.

Nabooru: (She just pulled out a bottle of nail polish) I'm a theif, remember? What do you expect?

Malon: Oh, that's right. I've got to remember to get that.

(Meanwhile....)

Darunia: Ganondorf, What caused you to lose your mind? You were the perfect villian.

Ganondorf: It was all his fault! (He starts choking Darunia)

Darunia: (frees himself from Ganondorf) Forget I asked.

(Back at Melee)

Link: Let's do the Mute City track!

Zelda, Ruto, and Mido: Whatever.

Video Game Voice: 3, 2, 1, GO!

(Zelda, Ruto, and Link automatically go after Mido and start attacking him. He dies right away. Then, he comes back)

Mido: Watch this!

(He starts throwing all the extra weapons off the sides of the sides of the track. Suddenly, a flower falls)

Mido: FLOWER!!! (he grabs it)

Zelda: You're pathetic! What does that do?

Mido: It's called "lipstick"! Here's how it works! (he hits Link, and a flower sprouts out of Link's head)

Link: (the real one) You'll pay for that! (he uses the "taunt" button. Com. Link puts his sword away and fixes his bangs)

Zelda: He's even concieted in the video game! (she forgets about attacking Mido and starts attacking Link repeatedly)

Ruto: My darling! (she starts attacking Zelda)

(Mido, forgetting completely about the battle, makes Jigglypuff fly around the stadium)

Video Game Voice: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, TIME'S UP!

Zelda: YES, YES, YES, YES, YES! In your face, Ruto!

Malon: My turn! I wanna beat Link!

Nabooru: At what? (she's painting her fingernails)

Malon: At Super Smash Bros. Melee! He-llo!

Nabooru: We've got it?

All but Darunia, Ganondorf, and Saria: YEAH!

(Saria is writing in her diary. Darunia's counseling Ganondorf)

Saria: Where's Navi?

(They hear snoring)

Saria: Never mind.

Malon: Who's playing other than me and Link?

Nabooru: Ooooooh, ME! (blows on her fingernails, trying to dry them)

Saria: MEEEEE!

Nabooru: I call Zelda!

All: HHHHUUUUUHHHH?!

Nabooru: Watch me!

(All shrug)

Saria: I call Green Zelda!

Link: Why is it always Zelda, Zelda, Zelda?

Darunia: Do you want to play next time, Ganondorf?

Ganondorf: NO! KEEP IT AWAY!

Darunia: Okay.

(Navi's snoring gets louder. She starts laughing hysterically)

Link: Hyrule Temple Stadium?

Nabooru, Saria, and Malon: Fine!

(As son as they get on the field, Nabooru transforms into Shiek. She kills the others in the record time of 35 seconds flat.)

Nabooru: Who rules?

Link, Malon, and Saria: You do.

----Confession Session----

These are the contestants' diary entries:

Darunia: Didn't do much. Mostly helped Ganondorf sort out his problems. The others are a bit whacked, except Zelda. (I can't risk getting punched!)

Ganondorf: I had a nice day, and Darunia has been helpful. But... I want my mommy!

Link: No one seems to appreciate that I happen to be the only good-looking person in this whole trailer!

Malon: Oh, Diary, I HATE Link!!!!! Zelda and Saria are nice, but all Nabooru seems to care about is her cell phone and her nail polish. She won't even share them!

Mido: Flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers, flowers. Jigglypuff!

Nabooru: I'm stuck with a bunch of lunatics.I'm actually beginning to regret coming. Rachel says things are boring without me. Only one good thing has come of this. I beat them all at Melee!

Ruto: Linky's here! Oh, joy! Oh, bliss! I'm in heaven!

Saria: Losing Melee has belittled me further. What else can go wrong? I mean, no one cares! They don't appreciate me! I take care of all the plant life in Hyrule! I could cause a famine and starve them all at anytime I wanted! I lost my fairy, Judy! I mean, even though she slept late and made me buy a Cucco, I still loved her! And now even Link's a jerk!

Zelda: Where should I begin? First of all, I beat Ruto in Melee. However, my "knight in shining armor" has become totally media-obssessed and self-absorbed. He thinks he's a gift to all Hyrule! Must rest, tomorrow's another day.

Navi: Slept most of the day. Don't know what went on. Since I;m not really a contestant, I don't care.

----End----

Rauru: Time to vote!

(Everyone glares at Ganondorf)

Zelda: You want to?

Ganondorf: Too many eyes! NO!

Nabooru: Nah. It's too easy.

(Everyone glares at Mido)

(All but Darunia, Mido, and Ganondorf look at each other and grin)

All of the above: Yep.

(All of these vote Mido. Ganondorf votes for Link. Mido votes Zelda because she beat him at Melee. Darunia votes no one because he's too soft-hearted)

Rauru: And the votes say...Mido! (they put out his torch) Next week, we'll have an event.

(All groan. Mido prances out the door)