Why don't you?
Mood:  hug me
Just kill me and leave it to that.

Not so easy afterall..
Mood:  hug me
.. But it was never easy in the first place.

When I was just a little toddler, I guess I thought everything was supposed to be easy. Went to Nursery School, had nap times and just played with puzzles. Yea, that was the life right?

Then I began Primary School, okay so that was alright as well. I had little bits of homework, but that was only colouring in and cutting out. Nothing too hard for the brain.

Then I moved here and started Primary School again, this time in P2. Twas okay as well, I mean, they don't expect as much from you as a little kid right? I mean, yea we had report cards and I had no idea what the hell they were, that doesn't really count does it? It's not the most excellent report card ever, but hey, it's not like I knew I was being graded.

As I got higher up Primary School, things got harder, but hey compared to now, what the hell? I might as well relive those few years and come out as a top student. There were those teary moments when something went wrong and I started crying, but those were petty things. I've grown stronger since then.

Then came the time when I went on from Primary School to Secondary School. It was like; "Oh wow, things are gonna get tough!" If only I had known, would I have turned out the way I am today? In the beginning in Y7, I used to do all my homework, and sure there was a workload which was totally different from P6. I worked hard, got okay marks and that's it. Went in and out of crushes, but hey, it happens. Cried a plenty of times.

Y8, Y9 came and went. Grades ever so slowly dropping, but what the hell is just a few letters on a piece of paper? Who cares? Test marks started dropping and I was no longer a star student, not that I even was though.

Y10 came and I had chosen my subjects for GCSE, crushes again came and went. And I decided they weren't my time when I would go falling for some other kinda guy. The exams came, they left and so did some minor crushes and I realised that I had to pick myself up and start really concentrating. Like I had told myself all the years before.

Y11 (now) has come, and a whole year is about to end. I've chosen my subjects for my A Levels and even thinking about AS Levels. It's harder than I would have thought when I was in Nursery School, but who actually ever looks that far into the future? I would have never known that I was going to end up here and I guess none of you ever knew either. Whatever your future took you to. There's only a few more weeks until my mocks which do count as something. I've got no love life whatsoever, and everything just seems screwed up.

But y'know, things could be so much more worse, I could be looking at myself in like 12 years time and go; "Man, I had things going for me then what the hell happened to me?"

But you're not here to read about my life are you?

...
Mood:  hug me
There's so much to say and yet so little brain capacity to say it in.

Let's just say that my life would be better if it was over okay?

Damnit
Mood:  hug me
I wanna guy.

Yeesh.
Mood:  hug me
Y'know, the more you try to come near me, to understand me. You just end up pushing me away. I'm saying that you're sometimes so irritating, I just ignore you and you all of a sudden come up with the idea that I'm crying?! This is what pisses me off the most. You try to understand me, and yet you're unsuccessful. So my advice to you is to stop. It's no use. I'll only warm up to you when I want to. Not when you keep trying to guess about what I'm thinking. You dunno what's going on in my life, so don't try to guess. It's not gonna work.

Pfft. Parents. Sometimes you love them, sometimes you just hate them.

You just push too hard. Waaaay too hard. I dunno if you intend to make us all start crying or not. But what's the point? I understand what the hell you're talking about, but by dragging me into the "compromise"? Please, spare me. God, you pissed us all off. A supposedly harmless day out would have been expected but because of some small incident, you've just decided to blow it all up into some kinda thing where you can lecture us about irrelevant stuff. That's not the point, okay, so I may be irresponsible sometimes, but what's the point of pushing it? You push, she starts crying, and while she's crying, you push even more. It'll get nowhere. You just ended up hurting her feelings and being the bad parent.

Fine, so there's gotta be some discipline around here right? But what's the point? Geez, it's not like I go out everyday and not do my homework. It's cos I care myself. It's not like I'm an alcoholic at the age of 15. No, that's not the point. Save the lecture for some other time y'know?

It's times like these when I just want to stand up and cuss all the way to San Fransisco. Walk out and leave you just sitting there staring. I may get scolded at afterwards, but I can tell you that I will feel so good afterwards. To you, we may seem that we don't care. God, open your eyes, I'm trying to please you in anyway, but by making us cry, you've just put us in a hate position. Crying doesn't help anything, so why push us into it?

(If you don't understand, it's what happened in the period of 24 hours that I've come into such a state.)

I pretend that I hear what you say. And when I just look at you, you presume that I'm gonna start crying? God, don't please yourself like that, I've held my tears for much harder stuff than this so don't think that whenever you just happen to say my name in the argument I will instantly start crying.

You don't know me at all. You may have made me, but you don't know me at all.

In fact, no one knows me at all. I lead the happy life that everyone sees, but no one sees the other side. THIS side of my life. Because no one can be bothered. I may not look into your life but I know, to everyone there is another side.

Some depressed kid may have a happier side. Who knows?

Still, we all know I will regret this when you're dead and stuff. But of the heat of the moment. I hate you.

Here I Go..
Mood:  hug me
Y'know how when people say "Live life to the fullest"?

Well, I'm sorry. I don't understand. How do I live life to the fullest when I'm stuck in a classroom all day and barely have enough time not to think of homework/coursework/friends/family/enemies (not that I have anyway, of course) etc etc? It's stupid, really. To live life to the fullest, you gotta quit your job, or get kicked outta school, french the guy you have a crush on, smile at strangers, go on a vacation and use up all your money on useless souvenirs, start telling each and everyone of your friends what you hate about them (trust me, they may hate you, but once it sinks in, I think they'll forgive you. -Notice the think), start telling your friends what you love about them, eat that irresistable thing you've been dying to eat but have never wanted to try because it was too expensive/dirty/unhealthy/fattening/poisoning (stupid, really) etc etc, go and use up your money for a good cause and then go tell everyone what you did and regret it later, go hitchhike for all I care, go live in the forest and die silently. Whatever.

That's what living life to the fullest means. Do whatever you want without a care in the world.

I'm sorry. I don't understand. (Yet again). How can you do whatever you want without a care in the world and somehow just live through it in a night? You'll think about it later and think of stupid small things that you get so uptight about. "Oh no, it was waaaay too expensive to have eaten that. Now I'm poor." "That guy raped me when I went for that hitchhike. I hate that person who told me to live life to the fullest." "Tyeah right, I go live in the forest to find that I don't even know how to survive in the forest." "Now I have no friends cos I told each of them about what pisses me off. And now they won't talk to me."

You live and then you regret. When will this world come to a sense that you can't live life to the fullest?

Get an education. Go sit school, live through it. Get a job, an exciting one. Live. But how? When you're a lonely, sad, depressed girl living in a life that supposedly all made up for you? You have loving parents, friends that (supposedly) care, a good education which takes up almost all of your parents salary. But, somehow that doesn't seem to even out the list of things that you feel inside of you. If the life was supposedly made up for you yet why do you feel so sad, lonely, paranoid and depressed? You're fat. Admit it. You're fat. Not to mention you're also very short. You have a not-happening love life which is very sad since you read books and watch movies about romance where the girl always gets the guy. You have not much of any self-esteem. You have crazy mood swings no one will ever understand, one minute you're joking around with your parents, the next you're totally ignoring them and you're so pissed off cos they intruded into your personal life. You have so much stuff to do with so little time. Sigh.

You have your whole life ahead of you and yet you're still trying to hand in that homework a few days late. It never seems to work out. Somehow, one way or the other. It never works out. You like a guy, he realises and starts to hate you. Why's that? Maybe he's pissed that only fat and short (not to mention ugly) girls (cough, cough) will like him and you're not really on the top of his list with all those other more higher rated girls. You decide you want to take these subjects for your A Levels to find out that when you tell your friends your subjects they're surprised at what you're taking cos it's a waste of an education, doesn't that lift your spirit? You have to pretend that everything's fine with your friends when you're secretly torn between a war between them. One hates the other and vice-versa but no one knows. No one. See? It never works out. Once you got something good coming your way. You had better prepare for something bad. But when that bad thing doesn't come. You've worried about that for who knows how long, to find that you've just wasted your happy period worrying about the upcoming bad period.

Doesn't that suck? No? Then tell me what does.

Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

Too true. Too true.

You wait
Mood:  hug me
I wait for something to happen. I keep waiting, and waiting. But when will it ever happen?

To me, my life seems so boring. Where everyone is having fun and being happy. So why am I here? Whining, complaining that my life seems so much more dull in comparison?

I don't feel like myself. No matter how much I stretch. I don't feel comfortable. I'm screwng up my body someway one or the other. I'm screwing up my life somehow.

I keep thinking, maybe I'm in a story and it'll just end. When it ends, everyone goes to sleep and never wakes up until the book gets picked up by some other interested person. It's like it'll just end. Right there. Right here.

But the truth is, it won't.

Keep living, keep breathing, keep seeing, keep touching, keep feeling, keep walking. All this. All this, what's it for? Either than living, we do this for. Ourselves, people we love, to support others and ourselves. But what's the point?

Sigh.

I hate you

You've pissed me off already so many times.

People say you give up for me.

I say that's BULL.

How come
Mood:  hug me
I'm not funny like some people when writing blogs? It's sad actually, I want an audience and yet I don't have one to ask whether if my blogs are entertaining or not. OH WELL.

I got a [object/item censored incase of embarrassment because of period we live in at the moment] yesterday. I know, I know, it may seem very early since the event isn't until after the exams. (You know what it is, don't you?) And it looked good on me. Until someone tried on one as well. Which just made me feel fat and ugly (cos I am), oh and need I mention short?! She goes running everyday.. Eats moderately healthy (although sometimes I admit, I can eat healthier than her) and by God is just plain THIN AND SKINNY AND OFMELKFEKFPOKF:OMKFE.

...sigh...

No one's perfect are they? It's sad. I was getting my self-esteem up and stuff. And then it just comes crashing down. Just like when I finish reading fiction books (for example: when I could have been revising for my Psychology test I was reading The Guy Next Door by Meggin Cabot) just thinking about how some people can get it. Fall in love, be in love and come out in love. Even though they would have to be going through some hurt. But seriously, I don't know why I'm so desperate for it. It's just that I want someone for myself.. To hold, to hug, to hold their hand, to stare into their eyes - and not look like I'm staring, to talk to for hours, to have someone who's got my back, to someone who makes my heart skip a beat (not literally) and yet know they're mine, to think about when I have nothing else on my mind, to walk/stroll/jog/run/skip/crawl - whatever with in the park or somewhere.

That's it. It's official. I'm so desperate that any kinda guy that talks to me or smiles at me, I assume likes me in some way. Maybe they do. But ha, let's face it. They don't.

Welcome to my life.

...sigh...

THIS IS IT
Mood:  hug me
Really?

Is it really IT when I go and sit my GCSE exams?

Not really.

Is it really IT when I get my results and that determines if I can get in to Year 12?

Not really.

Is it really IT when I get sit my A Level exams?

Not really.

Is it really IT when I get the results for that?

Not really.

Is it really IT when I sit my A2 Level exams?

Not really.

Then when the hell is it really it?!?!