Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

Lists and Such

Dumb Inventions

Ways to Order a Pizza

Ways To Be Annoying

1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
4. Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone your meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!" 
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavour off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with "ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lambchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
107. As peole talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table. 111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbour's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavour of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Pretend you have gone comopletely deaf.
132. etirW sdrawkcab.
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbours ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows '95 that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaning these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Place each one a mile apart on an unlit highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't recieved enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut.
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbour's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the centre of someone's anti-perspirant.
171. Throw an Oh Henry! in a public pool.
172. When at a party with an infant present, ask the parent for a diaper. Prepare the diaper with Nutella, peanut butter, etc. Insert the diaper into the garbage can. Later, reach into the garbage, pull out the diaper, announce, "Hey, look what I found," and chow down!
173. At school, stick "presents" in people's backpacks or purses, such as mud, rocks, sticks, and leaves.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "hi," "hello Sir, how are you?" or "have a good day, thank you."

Things To Do In The Car

Things To Do In A Restraunt

Things To Do At The Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator. 
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish. 
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..." 
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change. 
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet

Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join 
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. 
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles. 
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast. 
12. Play with the automatic doors. 
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along. 
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!" 
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department. 
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive. 
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store. 
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!" 
20. Put M&M's on layaway. 
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles. 
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave." 
26. TP as much of the store as possible. 
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover." 
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples) 
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men. 
33. Take bets on the battle from above. 
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible. 
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies." 
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo 
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc. 
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels. 
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again." 
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time. 
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* 
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out. 
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.

Things To Do In An Elevator

�Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 
�Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
�Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, damnit! All of you just shut up!"
�Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
�Sell Girl Scout cookies.
�Sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
�Shave.
�Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
�Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
�Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall.
�When arriving at your floor, grunt and start to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
�Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
�Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
�One word: Flatulence!
�On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
�Do Tai Chi exercises.
�Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
�When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
�Give religious tracts to each passenger.
�Meow occasionally.
�Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
�Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!".
�Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
�Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
�Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator desends.
�Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
�Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
�Burp, and then say "mmmmmm...tasty!"
�Leave a box between the doors.
�Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
�Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through it".
�Start a sing-along.
�When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
�Play the harmonica.
�Shadow box.
�Say "Ding!" at each floor.
�Lean against the button panel.
�Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
�Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
�Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
�Bring a chair along.
�Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whath in muh mouf?"
�Blow spit bubbles.
�Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
�Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
�Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
�Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
�Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
�Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
�If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"