**My Crush Diary**

Summer's new promise?:June 14,2002

Hey! wow, whatta day. First I talked to Ben, my old crush. Hes going away 2morrow on a missions trip. He was telling me about his new goals in life. Um, yea Ben, I care so much that you never want to have a girlfriend, I already knew that. (Ok i care to some extent.) and then he gave me a sermon...like always!(and hes like a Jesus freak. Ill be glad when hes gone probably. If i want Bible references, I will ask him for them or mention them myself. Im Christian too and all, just hes making me actually get sick of hearing about God. hed be a bad missionary..) Well, on to the *good* stuff. Chris had invited some ppl from his school, two girls and two guys. The girls were Brenda and Ashlee. Brenda has blonde wavy long hair and green eyes. shes really pretty. and Ashlee has brown hair thats really short. shes not as pretty as brenda. But I wasnt feeling all that good cuz I was self-conscious! I didnt know the girls, but we made friends luckily. I barely know Chris! It was nerve-racking. The guys were Jeremy and Corey. Jeremy isnt all that hot, but Corey is! But I like to keep my eyes on one guy. So Chris, was mostly my eye candy. Anywho, it went great!! when I got there, I was wearing jean shorts and a sparkly halter top. Underneath you can guess- my swim suit. Its a tankini-bikini- its a mix. My hair was in a really cool semi-messy bun(messy on purpose)and I had little, natural looking makeup. oh and my sandals...add three inches to me, so I was Chris's height. Thus proving he is 5'2"(I wasnt sure when i said so b4)!! wow. so tall. I think its tall enough...i guess. well, so when I got there...I was introduced to Jeremy, Corey, and Ashlee. But Brenda wasnt there yet. Then Brenda arrived and I met her too. then we all talked and listened to the radio for a while. Then a song that I really like, called "dont say goodbye" came on. Now, I have a hard time listening to this song- it was my theme song to Ben.(and he did say goodbye, and he used me as a matter of fact. ) so when I got a bit teary eyed Chris pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he switched the station. That wasnt too bad. He assured me Bens just weird- cuz hed go out with me.(Ben dont like gurlz, thats just why) omg chris said hed go out with me! I just looked at him, and he said, "well, I would...your really nice. not that I have a crush on you, thats not it. Really" and he turned red and said, "well, lets not talk about it now...Party!" I know somthin's up now. so we went on back with the others and Ashlee started accusing Chris of liking me, saying to me then that he told her so. Hmm, maybe he told her? Hmmm...sounds, kinda likely. hes like an open book. But ya know, I wouldnt want to go out with him now cuz i wanna take it real slow. I think anyway. See cuz i always get burned by going too fast. as a matter of fact, I think I went too fast for Ben and thats what made him bail!(oops, too many luv poems?? too much flirting??I knew i shoulda layed off.)LOL anyway, yes slow. So, we just partied. Finally came the time to swim. I was pretty embarrassed, but I took off my clothes to reveal my suit. It wasnt so bad! we all were splashing around. I must say, Chris looks good shirtless. (no im not a pervert!! he has nice tan...) His hair looks good down instead of in spikes too. well then we got out and ate. everything went well.I got Brenda's number. Everyone went home b4 me. so Chris took me into the house to his room to show me it. His room is huge!! Its got posters on the walls,trophies on the cabinet, game systems, etc. he must be rich!!(lol)

nothing too hot happened. Just chatting. hes 13 actually. I didnt know that b4 today!!he turned 13 May 28th. Cool! Ok his bday...May 28,1989. sweet. Hes only a about 4months older. Who cares about age though, its within Ohio's law of 5 years. Hes really nice. well, cya l8r! Im tired, long great day.

Not any ordinary day:June 15, 2002

yay ben left today, no more sermons from him til the 23rd. wow more free time! hes a nice friend and all, but ya know...hes a bit annoying at times. in modeling class i found out that next week is graduation! OMG!! I gotta get ready!! I cant do the cat walk right. I have to have it down in a week. a girl from my class was being so rotten to me. she was calling me an ugly bit*h. as if. Ugh, i hate it when ppl judge me for my appearance. all I did to her was ask how i could look older. anyhow! I saw Chris today.(duh) we played games all day.It was fun!! He told me hes having another pool party on Friday. the night b4 modeling graduation..hmm..Ill go I guess. Its late, im retiring for the night. nothing too exciting happened. tomorrow is Father's day!

day of boredom:June 16,2002

ahh today was ok. I didnt see Chris today. :'(. and my dad wasnt any different today. it felt like any other day. so theres nothing to write today...

Determining a destiny?:June 17,2002

June 17! sweet!! well, today was exhausting!! Its actually the 18th now, its 3 am! yawn. I saw Chris today.(yesterday whatever, lets pretend its really the 17th) I found my bikini from last year! I still fit, and its even too big. I guess Ive lost weight. Thats pretty cool. I feel really good, and healthy. I weigh 87. I hope thats not...underweight...cuz my modeling teacher said I should weigh more for my height. Oh well Im healthy, not like I starve myself. I eat good stuff and drink a lotta H2O. Well Chris told me I was looking really nice today. That made me feel GREAT! Im not often complimented. Hes really nice. Just Im not sure if I want him to be as fast as he is being. he held my hand. Youd think Id be really happy, but i just wasnt. I dunno about Chris. hes not really my type.I have a bad feeling...he sends me weird vibes...but hey, its ok...I thought about Ben today. stupid, but i did. when I was at Chris's I started to miss ben and how he used to be with me, even though it was never real. It was so sweet, hed helped me with sooo much. Makes me sad that it ended the way it did. I kinda wonder if one day itd work out. Probably not. Hes not going after crushes now, and anyway, hes even more of a turtle than me.(slower and shyer-tends to hide) besides that, ben....dont like me like that. maybe one day........Back to the subject of Chris- cuz thinking of Ben will only make things worse! ha. ha. ha. HA!! Ok im not thinking really good right now, its almost 4. y'know, I wish I was with Ben right now.

Keeping it real:June 18,2002

Wow. wow. Chris likes me. This cant be real...oh it is. wow. wow. He said he did. well, maybe i believe him. yea I do. I wanna!! But, like the head title of my entry- Im keepin it real. Im not telling him how I feel. I cant do that anymore with ppl. and I keep it real by keeping the physical contact to a minimal. He hugged me goodbye, which would be ok if he hadnt been gripping me so tight and burying his face into my neck and not letting me go. I said, "um, k, gotta go...." and he whispered in my ear,"Maybe tomorrow you'll be honest with me." so I called Brenda. I told her about it and she said Chris really had told Ashlee he had the "hots" for me. well I think this is weird. Ive only known Chris about a week. I asked Brenda for his girlfriend history, and she said hes had many girlfriends and cant keep one longer than a month. Sounds promising eh? Maybe he can just be fling. At least he really likes me unlike ben who was a freakin liar.well, Brenda said Chris isnt really great of a fling. I asked her how she knew and she said shed been with him once. He dumped her. He dumped all his gfs. brenda's real pretty, like I said, so i asked her why he liked me to see if its cuz im pretty or somethin. She said she didnt realy know, but Ashlee did. she gave me Ashlee's number. I called ashlee after a while. and I got her sn now, making it up to 200! I cant put any more buddies on, but anyway..Ashlee said its mostly cuz Im a model!! That makes me sick!! She said he didnt really like me for who i was cuz I didnt move fast enough and I resisted his long hugs and stuff. I dont do that stuff with just anyone!(when i say i want to, especially to that person, I am really sure we have potential and I trust them.Im not a crazy girl who'll kiss/hug/in a loving crush way stare into their eyes unless I was sure theyd hang around(heh, longer than a month at that. Im pretty devoted and I guess that scares guys...But..oh forget it, email me if you care to know).oh hey..and I still can think of only one person Id do that stuff with:) Im not like that, Im pretty glad too. what I want to say is, I might want to but I wouldnt. just for you who are thinking im boy crazy and making out with the world. I know how Chris is now. But, I may just have a fling with him. I like him! and he likes me...but for how i look. I think im pretty but I dont think thats the only reason to like me. Hmm what to do!?? Ill pray about it. Ashlee and Brenda think I shouldnt go for Chris. But im unsure. They do know him better than me...I havent talked to any of my closer friends about it yet. I dunno if i will... me

World in my eyes:June 19, 2002

hey! whats up. world in my eyes is my summary head title thingy cuz I'm gonna tell you how im viewing it- on June 19. lol. Its really weird. My world is weird!(Like i said) Its not usually the same everyday. But im happy most other days. Im just upset about Chris today. Ashlee told him I had talked to her about it all(so I know only Brenda is trustable from now) and he was in my face. "So you like me?!!! Well now that i know, we can take it a bit further..." he said and was getting right in my face. Hes scaring me!! "what flavor is that lip gloss?" he said looking at me like i was dinner. I told him to chill out and we could talk about it, and he said, "why talk about it? we both feel it..." and he leaned into my face. You better believe I pushed him away. (Hmm what was the good in that happening? God lets the weirdest things happen to me..)Thats just freaky!! "Chris, what the heck??" I said. "I dont...know about anything. Besides I havent even know you a week, lets be more slow k?" He didnt like that... it was so crazy! I havent known him long enough to um, kiss him, especially on the lips! EeEeWwW! thats not cool!! You better believe if i dont like something, I voice it and enforce it.(especially if its something im not cool with that has to do with my bod- like Chris trying to kiss me on the lips!!! so not cool. if he were doing as a friend lightly on the cheek maybe id be more comfortable..but still. hes known me a week or so!! Its much too soon. Makes me wonder what Ashlee told him....... Now had that been Ben...WHOA, gosh, where did that come from??????!!!.....no i dont....at least i hope not.......do i like him no wait....... AnYwAy...(lol thats called getting off topic) Hmm. Im thinking of skipping the pool party Friday now. Two days(about) to decide...

Telling the truth:June 20,2002

I told Chris I didnt like his straight-forwardness(and that hes movin much too fast) and if he really liked me and not only because of how i looked, Id give him a chance. he looked right at me and said sorry. he said he loved me. Now this got me a bit mad. he doesnt even know me. some guys just say they love you to get stuff from you. They make you all mushy feeling and you give them what they want. Ive been warned by brenda that Chris is one of those guys. I didnt buy in. I told him id brb and I got a cd from my house. I popped it into the player at his house. it goes like,"got introduced to you by a friend. you were cute and all taht baby you set the trend, yes you did. next thing i know were down at the cinema, were sittin there and you start kissin me, whats that all about? your moving too fast i dont understand you. im not ready yet, baby i cant pretend. best i can do is tell you to talk to me, its possible, eventual, love will find a way. dont say you love me, you dont even know me. if you really want me, then give me some time. dont go there baby, not before im ready. dont say your hearts in a hurry, its not like we gonna get married give me give me some time. heres how to play heres where to stand. heres what to do, give me respect. ill make it clear not gonna tell you twice, take yourself keep pushing me your pushing me away. Dont say you luv me you dont even know me. if you really want me, then give me some time dont go there baby not b4 im ready, dont say your hearts in a hurry. its not like were gonna get married give me give me some time." well its mostly true. But Chris is a classic user(Just like Ben!). ya know what, i think i give up. at least it didnt take me long to find out his true colors. hmm this sucks. Talk later, k?

Playa's gon play: June 21, 2002

Alright, hey. Its real late so Ill cut right to it. Chris is not for me. Its real obvious now, after todays party. Hes a bit more reserved than before because of all the people over.but I dont like it still. and if i cant deal, I cant stay. I met a bunch of his friends at his "first day of summer pool party" and I can sadly say they are nicer.so much for that. and you wouldnt believe this- Chris was flirting the whole time with this thin, pretty, big chested eight grader!! He was staring at her body the whole time.(If i were her id slap him. Really! Pervy youth these days, grr. they need God) it was so obvious cuz shes taller. wow, i completely understand his motives now. and to top it all off- he said he was just being nice and she "had nuttin on" me. well ive been with a guy like Chris before, and it was veeeery bad. at least i know better from now on what guys really want/think, and how to know which i can trust. The guy i was with b4 did a lotta what Chris did. leaned in on me but i kissed him back, never knowing what would result since i never said no until he had got so much(pervs want more than a kiss, u know, which id never provide) he forced me to do what i refused to do... in the end of it all, im left with a lot of serious pain. My grades had dropped around then and i was unsocial. everything was terrible. he abused me. (no it wasnt Ben. lol. youve heard me say some things bout him. But i think im hurt equally by them, can you think of it? ben had helped me right after i dumped the pervert/rapist dude, and well, i....ugh fell for his sweetness and sensitivity and his ability to understand and i could trust him.....well...so i bet you wonder how he couldve possibly hurt me as bad as the perv did? email me if your skeptical. (see bottom of page)not like you care...but, Brenda consoled me today. we had a long chat about a lotta things.Shes very sweet, and if i knew a guy like her Id be first in line, right at him:) those sensitive sweet types are just... great! Ugh im tired, but ill chat l8r. tomorrows graduation!! and I do need a reality check...

One reality check and modeling graduation later:June 22, 2002

wow today was the graduation!!Things went pretty smoothly. if you care to know email me. too long to list... So, cool overall huh? best of all, i didnt see Chris today. im kinda happy about it, but you know...I still like him a tad. I better just forgive and forget him. for now anyhow... I just got done reading some of Ben's old emails in my filing cabinet, and im in tears, this sux. we were just so happy. I *just* got done reading one from June 3, probably the peak of the so-called "crush/luv relationship". IT WAS ALL FAKE. it said how hed just gone to dennys the morning, and I just realised how cute evrything he said seems to me. he said after mentioning my DARE graduation a dare that Deborah gave me- and I was really gonna do it. Bens the only person I could do it to like that. I couldnt cuz his mom said he couldnt just wander off with me,lol. well, now i think im beginning to like him as a friend although all the time, here I will spill my guts, I always stare out the window and day dream of being the girl his heart beats for deep within himself, and it would beat with mine just in time. His eyes and my eyes, never movin from each others. words spoken, just no sound. and then real words, to confirm all the feelings, and it only takes three. and then, a :-* to seal those words between those saying them. Sweet silence.(ok weird, but true. I cuddle into my pillow pretending its ben, and im hugging him, and i make up fake scenarios! hey, i forgot he had access to this..............................) and now my fave song, "enjoy the silence" really means somethin to me. it goes:"words like violence, break the silence...come crashing in, into my little world. painful to me, pierce right through me, cant you understand, oh my little *boy*(instead of girl). all i ever wanted, all i ever needed is here in my arms. words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm..vows are spoken, to be broken..feelings atre intense, words are trivial. pleasures remain, so does the pain...words are meaningless, and forgetable. all i ever needed is here in my arms. words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm.." see, had i kept my big mouth shut, Id probably still be "with" ben. so what if he never liked me...i dont care!!!! I'd make myself believe it!!!! now i cant, cuz i know he wont/dont. Reading through those, now i see...I took it all for granted. (what cute things hed say...)had i been slow,not as flirty, and just not pressuring him and confusing him...I may have actually made him fall for me. but who am i kidding, ben doesnt want a girl now, not like he needs one. he just needs his Bible, his parents and friends(as in, friends- no gfs...and definitely not bfs...right?), and missions work. That'll be all he wants/needs. .. and Ill always be his friend. everynight i pray to have my wish- to be with ben. lol. im desperate! im tired, so peace out! Oh by the way, i wrote a great poem. Its called "One day" and its, well, to Ben... heres a few parts...