Overcome any doubts about a lack of sexual experience with women! Ok, I know this may sound almost impossible. If you're super shy, and have very little experience with the opposite sex, you might be worrying about how to explain your lack of sexual experience to a future boyfriend/girlfriend. Thinking things like,..."Oh my god, I'm a virgin at 23, I'm such a loser, who would want to be with someone so inexperienced? I've never kissed a girl, I've never been intimate,...I'm a total loser." You can choose what those events mean to you!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." -Eleanor Roosevelt
The above quote is very powerful. I didn't understand it for the longest time. I thought outside events shaped how I felt about something. If you're very shy and a virgin at 23, how else are you suppose to react to it? The common reaction,..."god, I'm such a loser. What woman would want to be with such an inexperienced guy?"
Well, consider the story of A.C. Green, the recently retired NBA player. He stayed a virgin until age 38!!!! He vowed to keep it until he got married and he stuck to his word. This isn't some disfigured guy. He's athletic, and as a multimillionaire, he has women throwing themselves at him. Does he consider himself a loser? Of course not, he serves as a great role model for kids. Would a loser start a foundation aimed at teaching young people the importance of abstinence? Hardly. He's proud of what he's done.
A.C. Green Virginity Story
I imagine he didn't worry about explaining how sexually inexperienced he was to his wife. If you're a virgin and sexually inexperienced, one way of saying it to a future boyfriend/girlfriend is,.."yeah, I've been saving it for some lucky girl. I'm glad I didn't waste it on someone I didn't care about." You don't have to go into detail about it and maybe you can put a positive spin on it. Maybe you can just say "it's private". Just because you haven't kissed or had sex by a certain age doesn't make you any less of a person. It comes back to how you carry yourself and the quote, "How you think of yourself determines how others perceive you." A.C. Green obviously has great self esteem, to not only make it public, but to explain the importance of abstinence to young people. I found his story very inspiring. If he can stay a virgin in the sexually charged atmosphere of the NBA until age 38 and be a role model to others because of it, alot is possible in the world.
Here are some other misc tips that I thought would be useful:
What if you're with someone and they ask, "why are you so shy all the time?" Well, look them right in the eye and in a confident tone of voice, reply.."well, what do you want to talk about?" It puts you back in control of the conversation, and it gets the conversation moving again.
What if you ask out someone and they say no? Instead of possibly holding your head down and mumbling something back, look him/her right in the eye, and say,.."oh, it's too bad we couldn't have gotten to know each other better. Well, I'll see you around". This implies that others would have liked to have get to know you. That's the kind of attitude anyone with good self esteem will have.
Write down topics to talk about in advance if you're going to be talking on the phone with someone. This way if your mind freezes up, you have some topics to fall back on.
Don't apologize for sending long emails to friends. I use to do this. Saying things like, "I'm sorry this is so long" or "I've been rambling on haven't I". When I know the person and I have something to say, I don't apologize (assuming it's a reasonable length, a 5 page email wouldn't be). What I have to say is important and I don't want to compromise that.
Ask yourself what has to happen in order for you not to feel shy. I use to think I had to be this super talkative person all the time. But other people aren't always talkative and they don't think of themselves as shy! So why should I create such a high hurdle for myself? To me, overcoming shyness means:
-Not being afraid to go to social events (parties, dinners, etc).
-Taking more risks when it comes to speaking my mind.
-Being more at ease around people.
-Generally, feeling better about myself in social interactions (feeling more confident).
-Talking about my life more with others.
-Not worrying about everything I say and trying to be "perfect".
That's about it. Feeling better about myself is what it all came down to for me.
How long should it take to overcome shyness (mild to severe)? I'm not a professional, so my theory could be off. But in my case, it was more about practice, rather than a specific time frame. Let me give you a little quiz. Take some area of your life that you think you are shy in (i.e. talking to women). Then on a scale of 1-10 ask yourself how good you feel about your abilities. Let's say you feel like a 3 today.
Now, ask yourself how many women did you talk to in the last week. Suppose its 4 women, relatively short conversations. Finally, how did you feel this time last week, again, lets say you felt about the same, a 3. So talking to 4 women didn't boost your confidence much. If you talk to 4 women this coming week, having the same kinds of conversations, you'll probably feel about the same next week, maybe a little better. But if you talk to 10-15-20 women, that could give you more positive references, and you might feel even better. Something to consider.
To give you an example, I had given only a few speeches in class before joining ToastMasters. And with every speech I use to give, my leg use to sometimes shake behind the podium, I'd worry about even saying the first sentence. In 6 months of ToastMasters speeches (I've probably been in front of the group maybe 35-40 times with table topics, being an evaluator or speaker), I've seen a really big improvement. Just takes alot of practice.
I really liked this article on handling rejections. I thought it was brilliant.
Getting rejected by women on purpose!
I've read a lot of personal development books in the last few years. Did you know that you can instantly change how you feel without the use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco? By changing the way you breath and the way you use your physical body.
There's a reason why people are often described as feeling "up" or feeling "down". That's literally what you are doing with your body.
Try a little exercise. Sit up straight in your chair with your shoulders back. Breath in through your nose slowly as you mentally count to 3. Exhale slowly through your mouth counting to 5. Do this a few times and try to feel real down and depressed. It's pretty hard!
Try to feel depressed while exercising. You can't do it. If you're jogging, if you're doing push ups or pull ups, if you're playing a sport. Whenever you actively use your body you feel better. That's one of the reasons why people love to dance for example.
When in a tense situation, you've probably heard the expression, "just take a deep breath". Now you know why. Your breathing plays a very powerful role in how you feel.
When you feel "down", you are in fact down. Where do your eyes usually go. Down. Do you sit up straight or do slump your shoulders? Is your breathing up and energetic or is it down and shallow? Is the expression on your face up and smiling or down and sad?
People create their state of mind by what they focus on and how they use their body. This doesn't minimize depression or other serious problems. But it allows you to become much more conscious of what you're doing.