It is 2:20 in the am....I am full of wine, so please excuse any mis types and words that don't make sense.
The emoticon is "Happy" for Morgan is now in a place that has no pain and her spirit is free...in a place of immense love and light. She passed into the light at 11:50pm on 1-11-07....3 years exactly...from when she first had her intense leg pains - thus beginning my conscious quest to figure out what could make her feel so miserable.
They put her on another med in the early evening yesterday...Verisade (sp?) to deal with anxiety. After several pumps of this and the fentanyl, she finally relaxed. I read her a book Izzy's breeder (Kim) brought..."For Every Dog an Angel". Suzanne (Morgan's pediatrician) Karl and I then talked about what Morgan's heaven would be like....tons of table space with arts and crafts supplies, going outside to swim with the dolphins and if she wanted to be thrown into the air....an orca whale would also be there... We wondered how long her hair would be and all the scrunchies, hair bands and barrets she would have....the food that she would be able to eat without gaining weight, the back bends that she could do w/o pain, the friends she would make. What it would be like going over the angel bridge and give Ryan and Liam grief when they start dating....giving Dad grief when he isn't thinking straight....telling Dr. Suzanne when something isn't done medically correct...
Then, she got herself up and opened her eyes. I was sitting with her (in her hospital bed) and told her that if she saw the angels, she should go...go and be free from the pain. She took one last breath...and let go...following the angels.
Watch out everyone in heaven...for a spit fire has now joined your ranks.
Later, Suzanne, Karl, Sarah and I then had a glass of wine..toasting Morgan life and all the gifts she has bestowed upon us.
I will update later as to arrangements when I know more.
God Bless you Morgan...you are, and will remain, a shining star in our lives. You and I will forever be connected...forever. I love you so.
Take care and God Bless,
The following is from Karl: (3:03 am)
Dearest Miss Morgan:
It is early this Friday morning and words alone cannot express how grateful I am to have been your DAD! I tried writing a post on December 21st, approximately 3 weeks ago when the doctors indicated that you only had a few days or so to live - I guess you showed them who was the BOSS! and lasted through an additional 3 weeks. My e-mail posting at that time indicated that I hoped you would be able to ride on Pegasus, the Greek horse, as your Uncle Todd, known also as I-Tod had written you a letter and drawn you a picture of a horse. I said at that time, "Morgan Your Chariot Awaits!" - Please feel free to enjoy the Ride! - I also said that I would miss you very deeply and that the folks that had passed on at that time were the lucky ones (as they would shortly be rejoicing and be able to enjoy everything that only Morgan has to offer) - Morgan, although you lived on this Earth for such a short period of time, you have lived a most enriching life and a life that some people are not able to achieve until they are 10 times or more your age.
As I lay on your air mattress tonight - after your passing, Tears of Joy came to my Eyes for only the Second time since you were diagnosed with your disease some 3 years ago. I realized how lucky I was to have been your father, mentor, teacher, friend and playmate. I enjoyed our time immensely over the past month and will never forget such fond memories that I have of you and of our family. You had such a PIZAZZ and KIND SPIRIT about you that you have taught myself and many others about what is really important in LIFE. The 1st and utmost important thing that you taught me is that FAMILY is the #1 priority in LIFE as we know it. The 2nd and just as important lesson is that we should not take things for granted and we need to live and enjoy life to the fullest each day with no regrets as if it is our last day here on Earth. (Stop and smell the roses, listen to the birds chirping in the morning, enjoying all that God has to offer). The third great lesson that you taught me is that it is much better to give than to receive. Although your philosophy that MORE is BETTER works in so many ways, unfortunately it didn't do as well when it came to your cancer.
I truely cherished our walks (me pushing your wheelchair) that we were able to enjoy over the past 2 weeks. Although many people have wished for snow, you certainly had a pact with the BIG GUY upstairs when it came to weather. I know that I have not in all my years seen such BALMY weather for late December and early January that you must have ordered up which allowed us to go on so many nice walks in the wheelchair.
We have been befriended by many people from Crotched Mountain daycare to people at PES to people at All Saints Parish to David's House to CHAD 5th floor and 3rd floor to The Make-A-Wish Foundation to the nurtures of Morgan (her nurses, child life specialists, technicians, doctors and teachers) to Childrens Hospital to Dana Farber to people living in Peterborough and from people from afar, people knowing Izzy, our sisters, brothers, parents, cousins, relatives, friends and the list goes on and on. Anyone who ever came in contact with Miss Morgan knows that the experience that a chance meeting may have has left quite an impact! Our family certainly appreciates all that has been done for us over the last 3 years - (All the great homemade meals, a place to stay for one of us, especially our son Ryan, the cleaning of our house, the plowing of our driveway, the mowing of our lawn, the taking of trash to the dump, the beautiful pictures on Morgan's walls of dolphins and a mermaid, the setting up of a GIGANTIC swing-set, the help in setting pillars for a garden. We were very fortunate that Morgan was able to have her wish come true in 2005 by going to Florida to swim and ride with the Dolphins at Discovery Cove. Morgan's health was great and she fully enjoyed as did the rest of us her day at Discovery Cove. YOU HAVE ALL BEEN TRUELY TERRIFIC and we THANK YOU IMMENSELY.
Her second home was Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in Dartmouth where she felt right at home giving orders to everyone as only Morgan could. If it were at all possible, Morgan could have graduated with a nursing degree after all she had been through. She knew way too much for her age which always kept people hopping in a good way to serve her needs. Her compassion for people was always first rate and she always cared more for other peoples feelings right to the end then she did her own. She was truely a joy to have and a great role model for anyone dealing with sickness. There are far too many stories to recount, but one of the funniest was when we made a Cheeseburger with Lettuce, Ketchup and Pickle and French Fries out of playdough and one of the doctors took a large bite.
I could probably ramble on for days, but I have at least said enough for now.
I will leave you with 2 additional thoughts, one of which came from my cousin (He indicated that he could not wait to get to eternity and that HEAVEN would be a better place than here on EARTH. At first this thought was rather new and only stayed with me on a very low level. After experiencing our daughters passing tonight, I have learned that DEATH is not to be feared and that it is just a journey in all of our lives. I had been fearful of DEATH since I was about 10 years old and would wake up at night in a cold sweat. Morgan, if there was 1 more thing that you have taught DADDY, is that DEATH should not be feared and when it comes to ETERNITY, I and we are just a short ways away from joining you in the BESTEST AND MOST BRIGHTEST PARTY OF THEM ALL!
My cousin also indicated to me at our Aunt's funeral last week that Morgan and Lisa have been an inspiration to him. It was not until I heard him say that last week that I realize that I am truely blessed with having the most wonderful wife in the world. I did not realize until tonight how special you really are. You have always been the most giving and sharing person that I have ever met and have taught me to be as well. Our children have been raised with a good set of values and are very respectful and caring and alot of that is owed to you. You have had to endure a lot (understatement) over the past 3 years and I am sorry that I have not always been on board with Morgan's journey, maybe fear of DEATH and other things got in the way early on in her diagnosis. What we did for Morgan who as tough as nails finally asked for help 3+ hours before her passing is truely remarkable and special. If there was a way to pass from this EARTH besides being in pain, I would want the same for myself when my time comes. I love my family very much and feel very fortunate to have been a part of Morgan's life for almost 8 years.
I am signing off now at 3:50 am and hope this posting finds you well.
I am hopeful that Lisa will take all the journals and writing and compile them into a meaningful book for those dealing with cancer.