Another week has passed and we got through it relatively OK. Ryan went back to school and seemed to be able to hold everything together a bit better. He went to school for an 1/2 day on Monday and that seemed to work as a good transition. A friend gave him a stone to rub when he got nervous/anxious and that also seemed to do the trick. The stone is very special for it is engraved and he won't show anyone (not even me)! I am not going to argue.
We started planning Morgan's service for the 5th. So many ideas, so many things to consider. I think it will be fine. There are so many things I just don't seem to know anymore.....so I just need to trust that it will, somehow, turn out to be the way it should be. This approach has carried me so far...right? I still find it all soooo unreal that 2 weeks have passed. Two weeks without Morgan's physical presence. There are plenty of times where I feel I can "talk" out loud to her and carry on, but other times, I need to take a HUGE breath and remember that she is safe....at peace...but not in our realm of existence. The acknowledgement of the later is creeping up on me. I may need to disappear for a week or so, just to get away....not runaway...but slow things down so I can process everything that has happened in the last 5 months or so. We'll see.
I hear that things are settling down at her old school - hearts are sad, but by remembering the good times and sharing the memories, life is getting a little more "back on track". I hope the sense of community that seemed to develop through all this is still flourishing. I would hate to see that gift disappear. One of her school mates came over to the house today. It was great seeing her and she got to visit with Izzy. We got the chance to chat, exchange a few stories and re-connect a little bit. I know Izzy was glad to see her. And, yes....I heard the class' request that you all would like to see Izzy at the service on the 5th. She'll be there!
I tell ya', THANK GOD (and Kim) for Izzy B.!! She is such a reflection of Morgan...demonstrating the meaning of friendship, joy, love, acceptance as well as un-acceptance when the situation warrants. The MORE chew bones, hugs, walks...the BETTER. Izzy seems to want to run and play with the girls when she sees them, no doubt that she misses the younger feminine touch. She wants to cuddle also. I, of course, am providing plenty of cuddle time...it is sooo good for both of us! Ryan got a note from a friend of ours saying how she chatted with her father's cat and they seemed to share memories after her father passed on. That struck a cord with Ryan, for I find him huddled up with her whispering "things". I ask what's going on...and I get this shy smile. That is all I need to know.
That is about it in a nutshell. Last night we went out to dinner and Karl was joking around talking about what an expensive third wheel Ryan was (he ordered fried oysters, salmon, and a couple of sodas). On Ryan's cognitive level, he interpreted that comment differently and piped in that he needed to be because we have lost our 4th wheel. It was good to see him open and willing to talk about it while not being cynical, depressed or angry - but the truth behind his statement broke my heart (yet again). Time will heal. Talking and writing is good. She certainly will not ever be forgotten.
Thank you all for your cards, prayers, support and positive energies. There are many-a-day where I question how we are managing the way we are. I don't have to wonder too long for I know you all are carrying us right now. Please continue....for a tad longer anyway.
Take care and God Bless,