Tonight, I do not know where to begin.
This whole cancer/treatment/life/death path has been quite a journey. Right now, we are in a place of quietness and uncertainty versus the busyness and purpose that the past couple of days/months required. Thank you to those who were able to participate in the service on Tuesday...your support was wonderful. Those who gave a part of themselves through stories, pictures, flowers, song and music....you were AWESOME. We left the general layout of the service to Sarah, the pastor, and I don't think she could have done a better job in expressing the essence of Morgan. THANK YOU.
Now that the dust has settled a little, we find ourselves trying to define a new way of life. When Morgan was first diagnosed, I remember telling someone that I felt like I belonged to two worlds (home and medical)- not being a solid member of either, but having to participate (or pretend to) like I did belong. Somewhere along the way, the two worlds became one and life seemed less confusing - more integrated. Now, we are back to redefining what our world will consist of...questioning if we will ever be comfortable with it. This adjustment seems huge because it requires less interaction with our medical family and the acceptance that Morgan's physical presence is no longer with us.
The loss of Morgan is ENORMOUS. I feel the emptiness around every corner. I could conjure up tons of examples but a few are: taking a nap and being not as snug for I do not have Morgan's head resting on my shoulder; I also find myself looking up at the clock around mid afternoon, wondering if I should race to school to get Ryan or go get Morgan. Many times, I have had the feeling that I need to be doing something particular, at a particular time...only to realize that it was the time for another "shot glass" of medications...medications that are no longer necessary. It is the little things like this that are getting to me in a big way.
Tonight, Karl, Ryan and I went to the movies after a quick dinner. How strange it seemed. I really didn't want to go, but I did because I know that we need to re-establish/establish a new road map to guide us along in the right direction. This seemed like a logical, easy step. But when we got into the movies, and the movie started, I felt myself tense up because I knew the volume would be too loud for Morgan. Did I bring the ear plugs? They were probably in my purse, but did it matter anymore? No. I suppose, like in the early days of diagnosis and treatment, that we will very likely establish a new rhythm that we all feel comfortable with...but for right now, I am finding that to be easier said than done.
Ryan is probably struggling the most right now. Leave it to Morgan and the cosmos to bring about a decent ice storm the day before her funeral service, causing school to be canceled on the day of her service. With the 4 days of no school, I THOUGHT that it would be a good idea for Ryan to get right back onto his horse and attend school the day after. Man, was I wrong. I ended up picking him up early on Wednesday and will keep him out until Monday (I think). He too, is also trying to define his place in this new journey of ours. I have every confidence that he will succeed, he just needs time. We all need time.
Sooo, thank you everybody for your support, kindnesses and prayers. I'm sure that along with these good energies, with Morgan's wonderful example on how one should live life, as well as knowing that we all have a new guardian angel looking over us...I'm sure we'll find the right path. After all...Morgan sooooo knew what she wanted. I just cannot envision her wanting us to be forever sad and lost. Rather, with her and God's help, we'll find our new place - living life the way it is meant to be....hopefully with a bit more wisdom and love.
Next week, I think we'll start preparing for Morgan's community "Celebration of Life" service on February 5th...the day of her birth. If the spirit dictates, please feel free to join in, whether you made Tuesday's service or not.
Take care and God Bless,