Journal

August 1

Today I fell in love with the most incredible girl in the world. She is absolutely incredible. Everything she does is so particular. She has this way of trying to be a perfectionist. It amuses me to just see her diligently working because of just how beautiful she looks when she is concentrating. I try to always sneak up to her cubicle, just to see her work. She is so jumpy too. She always hops when she isn't expecting someone to show up. I love walking up there sitting with her and secretly holding hands. Taking walks around the work place and kissing in the stairwell. It feels like this is something that can last a long time, but we will just have to find out.

September

This entire month was a little bit harder to cope with. Natasha has started school and I have almost this entire month to still be on vacation. I try to go see her as much as I possibly can, and I love cheering her on at her tennis matches. I'm not a big tennis fan but just having her come out of the courts and hug me and kiss me is just a great feeling. I love going because she always has a cute little note for me. It's so cool to have someone care this much about me.

November

This month is Thanksgiving and Natasha is leaving after Thanksgiving to go to Big Bear to spend the weekend with family. Her family invited me to go have dinner with them on Thanksgiving day and I wanted to but I don't want to hurt my parents. But for some reason I felt like I needed to go and argued with my parents. I had them finally cave in to my request to go spend time with her and it was one of the most memorable Thanksgiving dinners in my life.

December

This month was hard because of Christmas vacation. My family went to Mexico and I wanted to take her with me, but in the end she must stay and celebrate with her family. We exchanged gifts the night before I left and I couldn't believe what she got me. She gave me so much. She gave me this box and in it she had an Incubus DVD, the Hallmark Kissing Bears, Goldfinger "Stomping Grounds" CD, and Sulley from Monsters Inc. It meant so much to have her give me all these things because they all mean so much. I couldn't wait until I came back from Mexico just to spend time in her arms.

January

I came back from Mexico this month. I felt so excited to see her again. I went straight to her house the next day. I just spent some time with my best friend and then I left to spend the rest of the day with Natasha. We were having so much fun, we just sat down and watched TV, held hands and cuddled. It was so comforting to be back and where I belong, with my love Natasha.

February

Valentines is this month. I went out and bought her this ring that I thought she would love. I went straight from the lab to see her. I was late, but she waited for me in the parking lot. From there we went straight to drop off her friend Erin off and then we went to eat. It was great. I was so happy to see her smile when she opened up the box. She hugged me and gave me a huge kiss. The sparks were flying and I knew how much I would always love her.

March

This was a hard month for me. We went through so much with me going through finals and needing to actually study. I was under a lot of pressure and she knew it and she showed her support. She sent me this letter telling me I'm her knight in shining armor. It made me feel so great and so loved by the way she told me I was her everything. This was also the month in which our souls connected and our level of love and commitment went up a step. It was the greatest moment of my life.

April

This month was great. We had had our little ups and downs about stuff with her getting frustrated. She wrote me this letter that almost made me cry just because it made me so happy. She gave me a description of how her new room looks like. We had these arguments about petty things like her parents not wanting us to be together but we fought through all of this. We were just fighting for love and that was all that mattered. In that letter she told me about how much she loves me in a poem that she had translated in Spanish. This poem is just so meaningful that I keep it somewhere where I can always find it. It just means so much to me that I am just so happy and I thank God for having her in my life.

June

This was our ten month anniversary. We went to prom that night. It was awesome. We went to a great restaurant out in Newport and from there we went up to prom. We had a great time there and then we went to Denny's to spend time with some of her friends. It was the greatest time of our lives. This month has also been the worst (for me at least) because on the 12th of June she broke up with me completely. This has been the worst time of my life with the pressure of finals and now having to deal with this situation. Everyone that I know is trying to make me feel better but I want to just have her back and this web page has been made in a sense for me to vent everything that I want to tell her, everything I remember about this wonderful relationship. This just gives me hope to deal with my situation.

July

The first would have been our 11 month anniversary. I spent it alone and remembering what we used to have. This is also the month of her birthday, I would have done something great for her but now I don't know what is going to happen. I want to call her and I want to wish her a great birthday, but we will have to wait and see what happens and what develops in my mind. In the end, if she sees this then HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY!

August 1

Today marks the day that would be a one year anniversary. It's sad to think that it ended so quickly yet incredible that we lasted so long. As it is now, I've had to learn things by just listening and accepting things that are told to me and as my good friend/old teacher told me, "Cherish the memories of the time spent together. If you were intimate always remember those memories and always look back at those with a smile." He is absolutely right!

I also realized another thing - I did lose part of myself in the time with her. I lost my love for searching for more that just being content. I was content with her and I left it at that, but I stopped cherishing everything else. In a way, this break up has presented some things for me that I was unaware of and I finally hit the realization that a year ago I told Natasha to never let things hold her down and stop her from enjoying life to the fullest. Well she does and has always had something stopping her but I was my own obstacle in this sense and it's time for me to go back to enjoy the moments that life gives me and follow my own advice. As it was once said, "Carpe Diem" and that's exactly how I plan on dealing with the remainder of time and things. Thank you Natasha for such a great time period together and thank you for all of the absolutely incredible memories, but most of all thank you for showing me in what I needed to grow and giving me this opportunity to learn about myself and to continue to discover new things. I will always love you and you will always have a large part of my heart and soul; but it's time I discover myself, what I want in life, and how I will achieve it. Good luck with everything and if it's written in the stars, maybe our paths will cross again and we will continue where we left off, if not then I wish you the absolute best and I hope that you are absolutely happy in what you choose to do. I will always love you.

September 1

Well basically fuck whatever I said before. I know that it seemed that was able to just move on but it has been really hard. right now I'm about a month away from going back to school, and the worst thing is that I have to focus on my classes because I still have a chance of accomplishing my dreams; the slight problem is that as hard as I try I still have days when I miss Natasha like crazy. As much as part of me wants to see her I don't want to because I am not sure if I will be able to hold back my tears or my frustration; I'm not saying that I would say anything to her or anything, but I would probably be back in a slump. It's funny how it's the day after one of the greatest concerts of my life (Ozzfest) and all I can really think about today is her. Part of me would trade everything in the world to be back with her, but the other part of me wouldn't because it seems like I can't guarantee that she won't break my heart again. It's like that Linkin Park song says, "I've tried so hard, I've gone so far, and in the end it doesn't really matter" because I have tried so hard to not only get her back but to forget about her, and in the end my efforts don't matter because I can't forget about her and I can't get her back.

If by any chance Natasha does read this I want her to understand one thing:
She blamed me for changes in her and her parents blamed me for her changing, but what they fail to realize is that change is something that in order for it to occur you have to want it to occur. I could never change Natasha, I could only show her things in a new way a way that her parents were scared for her to see, but the change lied in her. She had to be wanting to change in order for it to happen, so in the end, I can only be blamed for opening her eyes to an entire world that she had been sheltered by from her overprotective, overbearing parents who believe that censorship is the best way to raise kids.

And a message to her parents:

You guys believe that you are always doing the right thing, but when you kids go to off to the real world and have  to come back crawling to you it is because of you that they must rely on you. It is because of the way you treat them and the way you shelter them from everything. There is only so long before they will notice what you are doing and then they will rebel against you, challenge your ideas, and you will not be able to fight them on it because of the same reason that you could not fight me, they will one day be more educated than you, but I was already like that and that was a threat to you. One of these days you will need me and only then we will see what kind of person I truly am.

October

It's about midway through October and I am barely getting the chance and idea as to what to write. I am unaware of how things are truly going in my own life, so for me to complain and bitch about stuff is absolutely ridiculous. As for my feelings for Natasha, well I still miss her and I still have feelings for her, but at the same time I'm absolutely dreading the fact that I might run into her on campus. I know a few of my friends have seen her around, and the fact that I haven't makes me grateful to an extent. As for how I handle the situation, well I just convince myself that I got played and that she never cared and that she doesn't care at all. It might not be completely true, but it helps me cope with the situation. I also hang out in my "safe haven" which for me is the pool hall. I know she doesn't like pool and she knows I love it, so for her to walk in there would be her purposefully looking for me or purposefully trying to torture me. I guess over all I want her to know in some way that I miss her still, but I am finding the way to move on with my life. We'll just have to see if how I cope with the situation will be successful or if it will just harm me even more. In the end, it's a risk that has to be take and it's a risk that will prove to me a lot about who I am and what I am becoming through my life experiences. We'll just have to see how things go in the following months.

November

“The world I love, the tear I drop, to be part of, the wave can’t stop, ever wonder if it’s all for you” that’s how I feel lately. I did so much just for her, I would have stopped everything for her, I would have done the impossible just for her, and she never though that it was just for her. “I wonder if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again” but apparently not, apparently everything dies it’s just all a matter of time.

Yesterday I was looking for something, and all I could find were old letters, all the things you used to tell me. “Nothing could come between us, nothing nothing, one of those favorite things that she used to say.” And in the end it was all just bullshit, because petty things came between us and our love that we promised to each other meant absolutely nothing, it dissolved and got lost forever.

“I hold on, I hold on (I can’t let go), and you don’t know I feel” or at least it seems that way. You have completely left me behind, forgotten everything about me, including my existence and I can only feel that at times, just hoping that someday you will acknowledge me.

“Can’t you see that I wanna be there with open arms, it’s empty tonight and I’m all alone, get me through this one, do you notice I’m gone, where do you run to so far away, I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so, I’m writing again these letters to you on much I know, but I’m not sleeping and you’re not here, the thought stops my heart.”

Thanksgiving

Although this is a time to be thankful sometimes I wonder about who or what I should really be thankful for. I mean I'm very thankful for all my friends, they have been there for me so much and they have pulled me through things when it felt like I wasn't going to be able to make it. It's so weird, a year ago if someone would have asked what I was thankful for the answer would have been you, because meeting you was the greatest event in my life. But now I'm not sure about things, I know I keep your picture up still but it's either to remind me of the greatest time in my life or to remind me of the greatest mistake; the line between the two is very thin. Anyways, I miss you bunches and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

December and Christmas

This entire holiday season has been a waste because there is nothing special this year about it. The one thing that I want I can't have, even though it's something that I want with all my heart. Every night all my prayers ask for one of two things, you or answers. I'm still not sure about why everything happens, and it bothers me that you came into my life, showed me so much love and so much happiness and then left me with nothing except memories of what I used to have, memories of a better time and a better life. I remember when I knew why I needed to work hard and that was for you. I wanted to be able to provide everything and I wanted us to have a dream life, and now, it's just a faded dream. As for this year, Christmas means nothing because when I return from my trip I'm returning to nothing but my regular life without you in it.

January and a New Year

It's amazing how as the year passed I sat around trying to think of the year and it was all engulfed by you. You were my year, you were my life, you were my love, and the saddest thing is that despite everything you are still my life, even without you in it, and you are still my love, even without yours. I feel that everything I have come to see, everything I have become, has been because of you. You once said that you would always love me and you couldn't live without me, and I used to say things like that all the time, whether or not you meant it, I did, I always have, and I always will. My heart keeps telling me that you did mean it, and that eventually you will realize how much you cared and you will realize how great we are together. We were the best in every sense that we could be the best. We argued at times, but who doesn't, it was our ability to come through and to see that we loved each other that made us stronger. I know that we were slipping and I know that I was letting things get to me, and I'm sorry, but to tell you the truth the only thing that ever scared me was you, because you showed me how great life is and how much I could get out of it, and now that I had all of that I didn't want to have you leave. 

One night in December we were all sitting around listening to music and all that my cousins were playing were little love ballads, and I faded out. My uncle then saw me as I got up and he asked where I had gone because he said that he could tell that I had drifted. He said that it's an effect that alcohol has on you, because you end up thinking about the past and about all the things that have happened, or a particular event. I'm sure he knew that I was thinking about you, but he just probably wanted to hear me say it, especially since he knew that I had had a few drinks, he knew that I pretty much couldn't deny it. The truth is, maybe alcohol does have that effect on you and part of me is glad that it did, it got me thinking of all the things I had to think about. I realized on this trip that even though I was a long distance away from anything that had to do with you, I could only think about you and how much I want you back. We said we were going to be married someday and maybe part of me still believes that, and a large part of me still hopes for that. But as of now, I must focus on what needs to get done and not what might get done. Happy New Year Natasha. I'll always be right here waiting.

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

End of January

Well, I finally saw you since the break up. And seeing you put my stomach in knots and made me feel like I had a gazillion butterflies in my stomach. I came away from seeing you shaking and feeling like I was going to breakdown all over again. It was almost to the point where I couldn't take it. The second time I saw you walk right by me, and it made me feel like I was two inches tall. Like I wasn't worth anything in life, and like I was never going to be worth anything, or at least not to you. The truth is that I miss you. I miss having you in my life, cheering me on. For all I know you've found some other guy, some great guy that is everything I will never be able to be, but in reality, I know that you will always be the basis of comparison for every relationship I attempt and fail at. I just realized after seeing you, that you were everything for me and that you held my heart in your hand. You always had a way to comfort me and make me feel like I was invincible, because I had what I needed, you. Natasha, I love you bunches, and it's just hard for me to deal with you not being here.

February

This month is the most horrible month ever. I miss you so much, and it hit me yesterday after seeing you and not being able to get the words "Hi, how are you?" out of my mouth, that the last time you and me spoke was at UCR next to the tower. As I walked around talking to Sheree, I finally broke down. I can't think of any time in my life in which I have missed someone so much and wanted them to come back. I just in general miss us, because we had a great thing, something that I though would be worth saving and fighting for, but I don't know how to do that. I wish there was a way for me to know and to figure out how you felt and everything. I hope you have a great Valentines day.

March

It's the first of March, and I was finally able to successfully hold a dinner at my house where I cooked for my friends and how I wish you were here to enjoy it with us. Even though I was completely surrounded by some of my closest friends that I hold true and dear to my heart, it always feels like I'm missing something, and that something is you. I wanted so badly to say something at the parking lot when I saw you, but all I could do was wave. I go mute when you're around and all I want is to talk to you. I miss you and time isn't helping me at all. It feels like all I ever wanted in life was you, because life was so great with you in it. You helped me see something that I have never been able to regain, and it's not that you changed me in any way, but more so that you opened my eyes to the beauty of everything. You also opened my heart and showed me a love that was so great that it feels like I might never be able to love like that again. People tell me that it's all part of life, the whole first love thing, but I didn't want this to be my first love, I wanted it to be my last. I know that I have made mistakes, and those I can't take back I will learn to live with, but all I want now is for us to work things out, like we could have almost 9 months ago, and to move on and be happy with each other. It's funny how my friends wanted to know what to do for my birthday this month, but in reality I know that what I want, what I truly want, is something they can't give to me, no matter how hard they try, because it has to come from one special and particular person.... You. I still kept my promise of loving you forever and I keep hoping that you might keep it as well. I still love you bunches and bunches.

March 30

It's the day after the state Science Olympiad competition and it was not only a long day but it was emotionally rough. The last time I had been at Cal State Long Beach I was with the love of my life. And on top of that, the last time I had spent time with her and we had been in my car was coming back from prom on the 91 by Yorba Linda. Going to the competition and coming back were just hard experiences for me because I just got several flashes of what it used to be like to have her in my life. I still miss her and I still want to have her back but each day that passes it seems like she gets farther and farther away and it's killing me slowly inside. Maybe someday we'll be able to close that gap that has grown between us and maybe we can get to the point where I look back and I think happy thoughts rather than sad thoughts about the situation.

April

I finally got the nerve to say hello. It was most likely the scariest and most nerve wracking moment in my life, and gave me such an adrenaline rush that it was unbelievable. I still don't understand why it is that I get a billion butterflies in my stomach when I'm around you, or why my hands get all shaky or even why it seems that I lose my voice. All I know as of this moment is that the feelings for you that I had a year ago remain. I am finally trying to get myself back on track and find those things that made me feel motivated and good about myself. I don't know where or when they became lost, but I know that one of those important things in my life that I once had was you. All I want is a chance to prove to you that I can be that perfect guy you once thought I was. I want to regain that status, maybe it's an impossible task, but it's a task that I am willing to attempt. I don't want to look back in life and know that I let the love of my life slip out of my life because I was too scared to do anything. I still love you and I still want you to know that I do.

Easter

My life is fucked up and I don't know what to do. Within the past year I have lost everything I had in the sense of school, I managed to have the person that I love more than anything go away and I just now crashed my car. I don't know what it is that I am doing any more. What makes things worse is that now the only thing I really care about is getting you back. I still love you. Have a happy Easter.

May

Well, I talked to you a few weeks ago, and meant to write something then, but I was too busy going through the emotional roller coaster that it sent me through. At first I felt insignificant, because primarily it seems that your life is going so much better now, without me in it. And then I went through being sad because I wasn't able to give you the success and happiness that you desired and then the last step was acceptance. I was able to accept that your life wasn't necessarily better because I was out of it, I mean it may be but it may not, but I was also able to accept where it is that I made the mistakes in the relationship as well as doing some things that are extremely hard for me to do. I realized that I should have been more open and accepting to the religion factor in your life because of the entire significance that it has for your family, but instead I in a sense pulled you away from it and thus pulled you away from a big part of your family. For this mistake and lack of understanding I am sorry. I remember that in our conversation you mentioned about leaving everything in God's hands, and it confused me because I didn't know how to go about this and I wasn't able to fully understand the entire meaning of that, but I had a talk with an old friend who is a pastor and he explained things to me. Although there are many things I cannot understand and will probably never be able to understand, I am now able to see what it is you are saying and well, you were right, I need to leave things in God's hands. I was able to realize that he made our paths cross for a reason and we continue to cross for another reason, reasons which may not be completely clear to either one of us, but if we are supposed to spend our lives together like we once spoke of, then we will find a way to do so and He will lead us to that, and if we are both designed to be a lesson in each other's life, then that is where it will stay and the lesson will be learned. For whatever it is worth, I thank you for having listened to me a bit, I know it may not have been the most comfortable situation in your life and it wasn't for me, but you sat there and listened and responded, and I do appreciate that, and I know that a part of me will always care about you, and I hope you realize that no regardless of what has happened, if you ever do need me, I will be there for you.

June 1st

A year ago we were celebrating a great night and ten months that we thought were great. We hadn't had a totally smooth relationship, but we cared about each other, or at least that's what you told me and what I believed. Now I'm getting ready to face finals, a year after you broke up with me. You still seem to be lingering in my mind, and I can't get things to get out of my head. I am doing somewhat better, but lately there have been reminders of you wherever I go. Hopefully I'll figure things out for myself and I won't let this affect me as much as it did a year ago. Good luck with finals and everything.

June 12

A year ago you broke my heart and a year ago began an entire reconstructing of who I am. I will always care for you, and I've realized that because even though a year has gone by and we've only spoken once, you still run through my mind quite often. I'm sorry that there is nothing I can do to change what has happened, but I do know that through all the misfortunes I've learned a lot. This week has been a constant reminder and all I have been able to do is pray that I make it through the week. So far I've almost made it. The oddest thing happened last night, I was taking a personality test and it turns out that based on the results you are my soul mate. I guess maybe that's why I've felt so empty since you left, but if you are my soul mate, then maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

July 9

I hope you didn't think I'd forget that today you turn 19. You've pretty much for some reason or another been brought up in just about every conversation I've had today by someone else. So I guess you could say that you have been on my mind constantly. In fact the first time you really came to mind was almost three weeks ago, when I had this dream and I saw your face and looked into your eyes. Two days later I almost died in a car accident on the freeway; one that I should not have walked away from. I lost my car but not my life and the worst thing is that the first person I wanted to call after it happened was you, the one person I can't call. I still miss you, and I'm pretty much taking everything one day at a time. The most important thing I think that I have learned in this past year is that no matter how much I plan and say things, I can never be 100% sure, because I may never make it. The more I learn the more I also realize that the less I truly know. In either case, I want you to know that I do think about you and I do still care about you, after all you have been the most influential person in my life, and I hope that your life is going great as it was the last time we talked, I hope it continues to go great, I hope you accomplish what you want, I hope you enjoy today for all that it is worth because today is the day that I thank your parents for bringing you into this world and making you into an absolutely incredible young woman.

August 1

Actually, I'm writing this a little after midnight, so technically it's August 2. August 1 came and went, just like any other day would, except that I was reminded that today was our anniversary had we ever made it. Last year it was hell passing through this day, but this year, well I have had a lot of things going on in my life that have made me not think about this day as much. It's not that I have stopped caring, it's just that I have stopped making unrealistic wishes. Apparently, I have been pointed out that my unrealistic attitude is a flaw of mine. I always thought that being unrealistic helped me accomplish what I wanted and get what I wanted when I wanted it, but apparently not everything works that way. Wanting you back in my life, wanting you back as my girlfriend is completely unrealistic because I know that you are much better out there without me, than you were or could ever be with me. From what a person close to me described, I'm a good person that has a lot to offer someone, I'm funny, I'm smart, but I'm also insecure, controlling, needy, and exhausting (I'm sure I forgot something in there). To me it seems like there's more bad than good, and from previous experience, I'm not worth the wait or the fight. I know that I failed being there for you before, and that I let my personal issues cloud a more important thing, us and our future, but I still hold on to the hope that one day you'll remember the look in my eyes when I said I love you, and you will realize that I would have given the world for you, I would have traveled to the ends of the earth for you, and I still would. Although you probably don't believe me, and you probably don't want to hear it, I still love you, not any less than what I did before, but I love you more. I'm sorry for the way things turned out, and maybe someday God will lead us back to each other, and we'll be happy, or maybe He'll lead us back to each other and we'll be great friends, because when I lost you, I didn't lose just a great lover but I lost one of my best friends.

September 19

Well it's out of my usual nature to right this late in the month without having written something at the beginning, but some stuff has come up. I have been meaning to write this for about a week now, but due to surgery I haven't been able to, or rather my mind just has not been thinking of things to write. It looks like what I have needed to say to you I've either written down or said already. I feel bad that I couldn't have you there with me before the surgery, but it's life. I closed my eyes and I saw the faces of a few people that have touched my life, and you were one of them. Despite all the pain that has been caused by you, you were responsible for an intense deal of happiness. Thank you.

October 16

Yesterday I was talking with Sheree, and some truths were told. We talked about first loves and how no matter how experienced you become and how much more experience you may gain in love, there is nothing that replaces the feeling of that first love. Everything about your first love is what you carry forever, and not to say that you may never achieve something better, but it is definitely something you will never feel again. I will never forget what you made me feel, and how incredible it was, and that is something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel again.

Thanksgiving 2003

It seems harder and harder each time I look back at the past. Today I decided to try and I reread several letters that you wrote to me. I can see how our relationship went through ups and downs and how eventually I let it get to the point where you had to make a choice. Now I suffer from that choice and the fact that now it's so clear to see what I did and where it all went wrong. I wish that there was some way to get that unconditional love you had for me back in my life. You had a letter where you asked me if nothing made me happy any more. I may have no responded to that, but in reality you made me happy. You meant the world to me, and I don't think that those feelings have changed. Have a great Thanksgiving with your family.

January 2004

I thought I was done writing in this journal, but it seems like there are things about my life that I cannot escape. Once again, I have to inform the world that I somehow pulled out of yet another life threatening situation. I know that I make it seem like maybe it's a bad thing, but I honestly don't know why I would be able to pull out of so many stupid situations and be able to walk away whereas there are people out there with a life and a family and some importance to someone and they don't walk away from less. This time I walked away with just stitches over my eye and left side of my face, but nothing major, and nothing that is really permanent. Now I look back at my life and realize that there is so much left for me to change and I don't know where to begin. I feel lost and confused amidst everything that is going on and hoping that everything turns out ok for me and my friend and I just don't know how to handle some of this pressure. It feels that nothing has ever been the same or better for me since you left, I find myself wanting to talk to you or even see you and knowing that I can't or shouldn't. I don't know if it really is an issue that you may not want me to, it's just that I may not be able to handle it. I don't know if I may break down on hearing your voice again or maybe I'll just walk away. I feel numb to the world and nothing has been able to pull me from that. All I can do is realize that nobody that I meet will ever contain that one thing that made you so special to me. I miss you, now more than ever, more than when I started this site, more than last year more than I can ever recall, and as far as I know I didn't sustain any brain damage from the impact. I am so sorry for everything that I caused in your life and I truly hope that one day you and I will be reunited in some way so that maybe we can talk or better yet figure out where we went wrong and maybe see a way for us to fix everything (although from the looks of everything you don't want to attempt that). If you read this at all, please just pray for me, not so much so that I may be successful or whatever, but just so that maybe I find peace in something and if possible maybe I can get answers to things.

February 14, 2004

Well it's Valentine's day again and like always I'm single. My problem with life is that I can't get over some of the past events. I know that I shouldn't hold on to the past so strongly but I figure if something, some event molds me, well then that's what makes me who I am and I should remember them. Another problem I have is that I can't find anyone that I am fully content with, they are always missing one thing or another that makes them not you. I am so sorry and I want you back and I feel like the only time when my life didn't feel like it was spiraling out of control was when I was with you and part of your life. Please say a prayer for me so maybe I can finally find some peace. Happy Valentine's Day.