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Realizations

created 6/16/02

 

Today is the fourth day since the break up, the first day I haven't broken down and the first day I've really sat down and talked to somebody that has been through things like this. I have realized that what I did was wrong, by not allowing Natasha her space but at the same time, I couldn't. I told her that I would try as hard as I could but at a time like that, I needed her more than ever, for support and for all the love she used to give me. The fact is that the misery I am going through isn't killing me slowly, it's just making my life impossible to live with. I know that I will get through this and as I used to tell Natasha, "I'll bounce back.... eventually."

 

The missing of Natasha has gotten me to a point where I have reached several conclusions. I now know how people are driven into things because of depression and being lost. For me this was a total attitude adjustment. I also realized that I didn't need Natasha to survive, but that she is the only one I truly want by my side. It will take some time and I doubt that these feelings will really change, but it will just be a matter of storing them deep inside, where they can no longer affect me.

 

Through this time apart I have realized that there is much growing that I have to do, but at the same time I grew so much with Natasha. I think in a sense we both grew up to such a degree that our dependency of each other to grow became something that was absolutely blinding, but Natasha noticed this and by asking for space this is what she was trying to figure out. As far as saying that I will absolutely get over her, that will never happen. She is the first and only girl to have ever reached out and touched my heart and my soul and make me truly want to change and become a better person. So as far as I am concerned I will absolutely always have a huge spot in my heart for Natasha and I will continue to wait for her to give me another chance. If that doesn't come, then I know that I threw away the best thing in my life and I will die always regretting that.

 

I do love Natasha with all my heart, but I will also like to keep her in my life by at least offering the one thing I know I can uphold, and that is my friendship. Although it will take time for me to adjust to the change, I am willing to make this friendship work in order to keep her in my life; because as I have told her, we were much more than lovers, we were friends first and we appeared to be soul mates.

 

I miss her like crazy, but I know that in time this craziness will die down, and I will simply just compare every single relationship that I may have to her and to what we did share. Although it did end in a somewhat bitter manner, it was a learning experience for both of us, and if given the chance, I would learn things with her all over again; in fact I'd be willing to learn new things with her.

Finally, I found irony in the situation. I was at my sister's dance recital and my thoughts of her were triggered. I had my mom at one side and a good friend on the other, and my mom reached down and held my hand and my friend just patted my arm. I almost broke down in tears, not because I didn't like them doing that but more because it hit me - the one person that I wanted to be there for me and the one person that I felt I needed more than anything in the world, didn't want to be by my side. The irony of this is just sickening!