FIRST CONTACT

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HOW NAVAJAS LEARNED THERE IS NO INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

Tuesday was going just like every other Tuesday in the 20 years I've existed. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend of three and a half months, who also happened to be my best friend of sixteen years. A bit of advice to all the heroes in training: never, ever tell your significant other the truth. They won't believe you, they'll take it as an insult, and break up with you. Still, it was good to have my best friend back. Listening to your girlfriend's problems after stopping a lunatic from reducing the entire planet to a frozen wasteland is not fun. And when a mob enforcer that shoots explosive energy from his hands just kicked your ass, it's much easier to turn down casual sex than the meaningful kind.

Why the fuck did I just say that?

Anyway, as I was saying, I was on my way back from my night class on Tuesday. We've been doing the whole superhero-thing for about four months now, and I was glad as hell to have the night off. Nope, no problems, just a night to relax and play Nintendo. Unfortunately I hadn't yet accepted the 3rd law of Super-heroism: saying, or even thinking, that nothing is happening will result in the immediate arrival of a super villain. Because right after I said that, trouble came right up and kicked me in the ass. Trouble in the form of a weird floating thing. I looked up at it, thinking it was an airplane coming in to land (we were close to a small airport), and realized it was hovering. Suddenly this weird light appeared around me. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but it was like getting sucked up at a speed of 500 mph, because everything just became a big downward moving blur.

When it stopped, I found myself in a large, dark room. I immediately came to two possible conclusions: I had either been abducted by aliens, or I accidentally took 37 hits of LSD. Then lights came on. The room looked like it was made of stainless steel, with all sorts of strange panels and lights on the walls. There was no other explanation. Someone put acid in my Mountain Dew.

"Hello?" I said. "Is anyone here?" As if they were waiting for me to ask, a door opened and two men came out. At least they looked like men from a distance. As they got closer I could tell they weren't human. Their skin was blue, their eyes were yellow, and they had spiky blonde Billy Idol hair. And they were wearing kilts. With shiny, Chris Jericho-ish shirts. I had made first contact with the Village Aliens. I struggled not to laugh at their appearances out of fear that they had ray guns capable of vaporizing me.

"Uhhh," I began, "why am I here?"

"See!" one of them shouted. "I told you they could talk! I get to sleep with your fuckin' sister now!"

They had heavy, nearly unintelligible Scottish accents.

"Oh fuck off, ya fuckin' harpy!" the other shouted. "I say we get more. How do we know they haven't fucked with his brain?"

"Oh fuck off, fucked with his brain!" Moron #1 replied. "Yer fuckin' drunk, Rongfa!"

"Oh fuck off, drunk!" Rongfa said. "I could drink yer pussy arse under the wee table without gettin' a buzz, Hoobercrank!"

I was really confused by this point.

"Excuse me!" I said. "Why the fuck am I here? Who the fuck are you guys? What the fuck are you guys?"

"Oh, fuckin shit, where the fuck are our manners," Rongfa said. "I'm Rongfa, and he's Hoobercrank. We are the Lunarians. We come from a far away planet called France."

"Your planet's named France?" I asked.

"Fuckin aye!" Hoobercrank yelled. "We came to your planet to settle a bet. See, Rongfa didn't believe me when I said you Earthlings could talk. So I said "I'll prove it to you." And he said "Fine, but when you're wrong, I get your fuckin' foosball table." So then I said "Deal, but when I prove your sissy arse wrong, I get to fuck your sister." And he was like "Deal." And now that I'm right, I get a full night with his sister Cher!"

This was really starting to get on my nerves.

"Listen," I said, "I'm happy for you, I really am, but unless you got anything important to tell me, such as how to make a lightsaber, I would really appreciate you beaming me back down to my school."

"Oh, right, we had another reason for coming here," Rongfa said. "We want you to take us to your planet's leader."

"The Great Sawn Kahn Ree!" Hoobercrank added. It was about this time that I finally realized everything they said made less sense than everything before.

"Listen," I told them, "there is no leader of Earth as a whole, and I know for a fact there is no one called the Great Sawn Ka....." A loud ringing cut me off.

"Hold that thought, laddie," Hoobercrank said. "We must pray now to the Great Sawn Kahn Ree!"

A curtain pulled back to reveal a 20 foot tall picture of Sean Connery. The two freaks began to bow in front of it. I am not making this up.

"We give praise to you, oh Great Sawn Kahn Ree!" Rongfa said. "Please hear our fuckin' prayers." Then they began the most annoying chant in the history of religions.

"YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG! YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG! YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG! YOU'RE THE MAN NOW DOG!"

FOR FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES! Once the two alien jackasses stopped, a table sprouted out of the floor as the curtain came back over the picture.

"Time for our post prayin' drink!" Rongfa said.

"Join us for a glass of the house brew, laddie!" Hoobercrank said as he grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me to the table. Three glasses came up filled with a bubbling green liquid.

"Try the house brew," Rongfa said. "It's fuckin' great!"

"I don't think the wee Earthman can handle the house brew," Hoobercrank said. "Remember the last earthman who tried the fuckin' house brew. He started singing and turned his face white!"

"Oh, fuck off!" Rongfa said. "Don't ya worry, laddie, we know what ta give ya. I believe on your planet, the wee fuckin' pussies drink Zima!" No sooner had he said this, a bottle of Zima pop up from the table."

"That's it," I said. "Where's you beamer, I am going home."

"Oh fuck off, go home!" Hoobercrank said. "Ya push the wee little blue button next to the other wee little blue button."

"Oh fuck off, blue button!" Rongfa said. "We don't have any blue buttons, ya push the wee green button. There's only one of 'em, ya can't miss it."

"Good bye laddie," Hobbercrank yelled. "You come back some time, we play a few rounds of "knock the wee ball in the tiny fragga' whole"!" I pushed the green button, and finally I was home. I walked back to the room. Everyone was there. I had missed Futurama.

"Where you been man?" Eric asked.

"Dude," I said, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you. I just want to go to sleep." And as I crawled into bed, Aaron said:

"You missed the robot hell episode."

I fucking hate those aliens.