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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:54:05 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes the kids at my college are really mean. On the first day of the course, some guys set up a bucket of spaghetti above the door so it would fall on the Professor's head when he walked in. Luckily, I switched the bucket of spaghetti with a bucket of mayonnaise just before he came in. Whew, that was a close one, he almost got covered in spaghetti sauce. He would have been all messy!
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:54:27 AM | Message Detail
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Man, finals in college are tough. The Professor said I have a 50-50 chance of passing. However, there's only a 10% chance of that.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:55:06 AM | Message Detail
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I was pretty sad when my grandfather passed away. But I took solace in the fact that he was in a better place. Rather, he was in the same place, but with shotgun shells in his back spelling out my name. Who's peanut butter is it now, grandpa?
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:55:52 AM | Message Detail
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I once went to a psychiatrist at the request of my girlfriend. I'm not sure why she wanted me to go, but I talked it over with someone in the mirror and decided it was okay. I guess the shrink was really busy or something, because he made us go two at a time. I went in and sat on one of those cool psychiatrist couches next to this big guy that smelled like cats. The shrink showed us an inkblot and asked what we each thought it was. The big guy thought it looked like a penis. I find it interesting that the first thing he thought of was the male reproductive organ. An obsession, perhaps? I, on the other hand, instantly thought of mayonnaise. A completely logical guess, and certainly not one driven by some inane obsession.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:56:34 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes I really can't stand my friend Kyle. He gets annoyed at the drop of a hat and refuses to speak to me for extended periods of time. And all because of the simplest things, too! It's not like I've ever caused him any harm. I mean, sure, there was that one time I intruded in his house, stole all the valuables, pillaged his crops and ran off with his wife, but what's a little dissension among friends? I mean, so what if I slaughtered his whole family and then propped the bodies up and made them re-enact the entire works of Monty Python? Twice.
Geez, grow up, Kyle.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:56:57 AM | Message Detail
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If you go back in time, throughout every culture, you will notice that man has always sought the answer to one sole question: "Does this shirt make me look fat?"
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:57:40 AM | Message Detail
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I don't think there is such a thing as absolute "good" or "evil". I believe all of mankind has a dual nature, allowing us to be both immoral and benevolent. For instance, I am a combination of both light and dark stuffed between two pieces of bread with olives and dressing for your digestive pleasure.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:58:12 AM | Message Detail
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Ah, memories. Just when you think that you've forgotten about something, it comes floating back into your heart. I guess it's just lying there in wait. Waiting for that right moment.. Be it remembering your first kiss, recalling days gone by with old friends, or recollecting you left the safe open when robbing the first national bank, memories will always be in our hearts and our souls.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:58:40 AM | Message Detail
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It's really beautiful out tonight. As I lay here on the grass I'm staring up at a blue sky full of pure, white stars. As I take in the miles of windless, summer night air, I'm lost in a deep cloud of heavenly scent. It's nights like these I remember that wild fling I had with that biker chick, Jean. Mom always said to not get mixed up with rebellious girls, but then again, Jean always told me never to listen to my Mother.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:59:21 AM | Message Detail
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I used to know a girl named Katlin. Every evening we would meet up on the hill just outside of town and talk for hours under the big apple tree while holding hands.
Those were good times that probably happened.
*chugs a can of whiskey*
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 8:59:40 AM | Message Detail
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A girl once told me sunflowers are pretty. Nah, it's just the makeup. They're such whores.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:00:26 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and am saddened by what I see. I think to myself, "Look at you, letting others walk all over you day in and day out. You need to be more aggressive. No one's going to respect you as a real crack whore until you do".
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:01:00 AM | Message Detail
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Yeah, some have called me courageous. In fact, I was considered something of a hero in the Cold War. One time, I was fighting in Nam and I stubbed my toe. Not one to worry about a little pain, I valiantly fell to the ground and cried for hours. When the medic squad finally came to retrieve me, I told them I couldn't leave my comrades alone to die out in that hellhole. So I selflessly handed the medic guys my rifle, jumped in their car, and sped off in search of backup. Well, really, I returned to the base and threw back a few brews, but that's kind of like going to look for help, right?
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:01:28 AM | Message Detail
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I'm sometimes amazed by how similar Kyle and I are. Yesterday, he told me he once had a crush on a girl named Madison. I told him I like to crush ants between my fingers. It's like we're brothers.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:02:09 AM | Message Detail
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Man, I can't believe it's already 2006. In four more years we'll all be dead! And why is that? The Y2K10 bug, of course. Still, maybe the scientists will be able to think of some way to stop it by then. Perhaps a Y2K10 rolled-up newspaper or some such.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:02:45 AM | Message Detail
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I hate hearing people talking about "spiritual journeys" and other crap like that. None of them have ever had any real experiences in the spiritual realm, and if they say they have, they're goddamn liars. I wonder how they would react if I told them about the time I had an actual real astral projection. It was weird, it felt like I was floating, even though I knew I was just lying there. Next thing I knew, I was high above the city looking down on my apartment! I don't remember what I did next, but I remember waking up later in some alleyway with a broken leg and an empty can of Red Bull in my hand.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:03:52 AM | Message Detail
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The last time I went to the dentist I had to get a tooth pulled. The dentist told me afterwards that I should really brush my teeth more. He then demonstrated how to brush my teeth properly. I watched him for a while and then said, "Hey assface, what kind of moron do you take me for? I know how to brush my teeth!"
He stumbled back in shock. Most likely due to the fact that he now knew that I could see through his ruse. "Oh, I see," I said, "you think you're better then me because you're a dentist!". The dentist then started to tell me how he just wanted to help me out and he didn't mean any disrespect. "Yeah? Well, screw you," I said, "I don't need some jackass of a dentist telling me how to run my life! Why don't you just go to hell?!". The dentist then asked, "Don't you want to have nice teeth like mine?".
I ran from his office crying, knowing that I would never have as good of teeth as him. So, I took a pair of pliers and pulled out each of my teeth. Then I did the same to my dog. I then inserted the dogs teeth into my empty tooth sockets. I waited till it was late and I followed the dentist home. When he got out of his car, I yelled, "Hey! Check out my teeth now!". I then bit off his face and most of his genitalia.
I love my new teeth. I brush them everyday.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:04:23 AM | Message Detail
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Last year, Megan and I were walking around downtown Saint Louis, looking at the local flavor and checking out the small gift shops. Later that day, we came across this young, homeless man lying on the side of the road. He was scratching his body and yelling "Ohh, the bugs! Get them off me!". We both thought it was strange.
The next evening we ran into the same homeless man, but this time he was rolling on the sidewalk talking to himself in a language only he could understand. "That's strange", I said. I could swear the bugs I covered that man with the day before were severely poisonous, he should have been dead by now. So, Megan and I took turns pushing him into oncoming traffic.
That crazy homeless man. He was nuts..
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:05:15 AM | Message Detail
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What's the big deal with sex? Sure, it's pleasurable. Some might say there's nothing more pleasurable in the world. But just being with your girl is good too. It doesn't always have to be about sex. To me, to spend time with someone who truly cares for you unconditionally is one of the best feelings in the world.
Why, it's like a Kit-Kat Bar, except not made of chocolate and.. and not like a Kit-Kat Bar at all, really.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:05:31 AM | Message Detail
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If you're robbing a bank and the cops show up and there's no one around to take hostage, I think a good way to escape would be to fake an elephant stampede.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:06:15 AM | Message Detail
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To me, girl scouts are the best, braving the bitter summer winds to deliver cookies. But what you must understand is, sure, they're great and all, but they're even better with steak sauce. Yum.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:06:34 AM | Message Detail
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The other day, I found a book in my girlfriend's bedroom I had read before. Here's an excerpt:
She was pulled on top of him then, and kissed him as she positioned herself over
his manhood. She slid down, slowly taking every inch up inside her..
That was a classic. I liked the part where the Berenstein Bears forgot their manners.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:07:50 AM | Message Detail
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One time I was hanging around with a few of my friends and one guy asked us what we would pick if we could have one kind of feature that's only in videogames. Robby said he'd like to be able to use magic, Sam said he would like the ability to pause real life. Kyle said he would want to be able to save and then load if he ever screwed up real bad, and still Jesse said he'd want to be able to just sleep off mortal wounds. These are great choices and all, but what about being able to have a whole conversation without the other person asking you why you're drinking a 62 ounce jar of mayonnaise? It's just too rich a superpower to pass up.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:08:07 AM | Message Detail
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I think it's wrong to judge someone on something as irrelevant as sexual preference. I mean, I love gay people, especially lesbians.
I wonder why they don't love me back..
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:08:52 AM | Message Detail
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Wow, the first time I saw Melanie, it was as if God had sent an angel down from heaven. An angel that had no wings, no halo, and was more of a jar of mayonnaise than a beautiful girl. Our wedding is this Saturday.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:09:18 AM | Message Detail
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I think a good story would be about a treasure hunter that travels the world looking for ancient ruins, fabulous riches, and the secrets of the past. And then at the end of his journey he comes to realize the only real treasure is the hunt itself. He realizes it is the fond memories he has created that he values most. But then he realizes that won't pay the bills, so he'd probably knock off a few banks or something.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:09:56 AM | Message Detail
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Boy, was Sampson ever in a fix this time. But, being the secret agent he is, he kept his cool and considered his situation. His hands were handcuffed to his legs, he was bound and gagged, he had a horrible hangover, and he was in a tied-off duffel bag plummeting down a two mile deep ravine. After weighing his options, he realized nothing could save him at this point. Nothing short of magic that is, he thought, smirking confidently. His horribly mutilated body was discovered several days later.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:10:23 AM | Message Detail
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It makes me mad to think that there's so much prejudice against minorities these days. I think we should all band together and live in the spirit of harmony and peace. Particularly, I'd like to see better treatment of a certain minority group. You guessed it, vampires.
I mean, this is starting to get out of hand. It's gotten to the point that some people actually scream and run at the mere sight of a vampire! Can't we all be brothers? Sticking your neck out for your fellow man and whatnot?
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:10:57 AM | Message Detail
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Actually, I think being a zombie would be cool. Think about it, they get to walk around every night scaring people, they're made of candy, and they get to eat people's brains.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:11:31 AM | Message Detail
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If there's one thing I've learned throughout my life firsthand, it's that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. You can try to bribe him with treats. You can take away his favorite chew toy. You can warn him at gunpoint. You can hire some hookers for him. You can hold your breath and pound your fists and threaten to run away. But you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:11:57 AM | Message Detail
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Henry thought he would be able to get away with it as he walked into the 7-11. But the shopkeep noticed him pick something up off the shelf and put it in his coat. "Thief!" yelled the shopkeep. Henry's heart skipped a beat as he turned and began to head for the hills. "Oh, no you don't!" said the shopkeep, placing the hills on the top shelf where Henry couldn't reach them.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:12:31 AM | Message Detail
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Like a hot knife through butter, the warm cutting tool sliced the margarine.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:13:04 AM | Message Detail
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It makes me angry that people thought of me as a bully when I gave that kid a black eye for asking me what time it was. Perhaps in my culture, that's our way of saying "3:14, my young friend." I bet they wouldn't have thought me a bully then. I bet they wouldn't have strung me up by my underwear in the town square and thrown rotten potatoes at me either. And I bet it wouldn't have led to me burning down their town hall in the slightest. Nor would it have forced me to call in an air strike after they tried to place a bomb in my sandwich. If only people could learn to let bygones be bygones.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:13:35 AM | Message Detail
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit in his boat and not be able to get a nibble for hours. Then he'll figure out you purposely told him the location of a bad fishing spot, and he'll probably hire an assassin and start targetting your family members.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:14:24 AM | Message Detail
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Jake was lost. He knew it was a bad idea when he and his friends decided to break into that boarded up, creepy old mansion to see if they could find anything worth looting. It all happened so fast. One minute he was checking out an old grandfather's clock, and the next he had fallen through a trapdoor, landing on a damp floor some twenty feet down. Shakily, he stood up and tried in vain to survey the pitch black area. There was a steady dripping of water somewhere and a heavy tension in the air that made Jake's heart race. "G-guys..?" he choked out hoarsely, "Where are you?". His query was promptly answered, "Where are you?" Ooh, an echo, thought Jake, grinning deviously. "I'm here, where are you?" he asked. "I'm here, where are you?". Jake chuckled, "Hehe, I asked you first, where are you?" "None of your business," came the reply. "Oh yeah?" challenged Jake, "that's what SHE said!". He then covered his ears, because big laughs were coming.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:15:25 AM | Message Detail
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When someone robs a bank, why do they make it so an alarm sounds? That just gives the robbers a cue to run. Why not have it be an alarm that sounds in the police station, not the bank? Better yet, how about having it still sound in the bank, but also make it so treadmills pop out of the ground by all the exits?
The greatest criminal mind of our time couldn't hope to get out of that one.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:15:55 AM | Message Detail
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You know what's awesome? Niagara Falls. Really, it's the best waterfall ever. Even watching it on my TV is awe-inspiring. Imagine what the real thing must be like! You know what's also good? Guys that write down their daily thoughts. Some might wonder why they would want to do that, but I think those clever guys should be rewarded!
Preferably with a movie contract and book deal.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:16:25 AM | Message Detail
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Some call it drinking. I call it time travel.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:16:59 AM | Message Detail
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Looking back, I'd say one of my favorite years of school was 1st grade. That's when I met Kyle and made my first get-rich-quick scheme. But there was one thing about the teacher that always bugged me. Whenever I went up to her and said, "Can I go to the bathroom?", she'd wave her finger right in my face and say, "May I go to the bathroom?".
No way, teacher. I asked first.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:17:43 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Is it all worth it?"
Then a voice says, "Who are you talking to?"
Then another voice says "You mean, 'To whom are you talking?'".
Then the first voice says, "Hey! You can't put a preposition at the start of a sentence!"
Then the second voice says, "No, you're thinking of the end of a sentence!"
Then a group of angry grammar teachers rush into my room, yelling and waving literature books in the air.
..No wonder I lie awake at night.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:18:01 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why am I here?"
Then a voice says, "Where are you?"
"Here," I say.
"Where is 'here'?" asks the voice.
"Right over here, by the bookshelf".
"Wave your hand so I can see you".
The nights are getting longer.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:18:43 AM | Message Detail
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Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?"
Then a voice answers, "Nothing personal. Your name just happened to come up."
Seriously, you guys. Get out of my room.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:19:42 AM | Message Detail
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It was a dark and stormy night..
Hold on, I think I once heard all the best stories start with "Once upon a time". If I use that, mine will be good by association. Let's start over.
Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night..
Wait, was that last Tuesday? Maybe it wasn't storming. I think it was pretty windy, though. Well, anyway..
Once upon a time, if I remember correctly, it was a dark and stormy night..
Five men had just rushed in from the pouring rain, all wearing dark cloaks. They sat themselves down at a table to discuss their plans. In truth, the men were actually a small resistance group, conspiring to assassinate the oppressive King.
"So that's the plan," said Mack, "Any questions?".
"No," responded Johnny.
"Yeah, I think it makes sense," added Leon.
"The King's men won't discover us, you think?"
"No time for regrets now, Johnny!"
"I suppose you're right."
"Well, I guess this is it."
"Right then. Let's go."
"You said it, Nick."
"What? No, I'm Mack!"
"You are?"
"Yeah, I'm Nick!"
"Dammit, it's hard to tell who's talking!"
"I hate it when the author just assumes you should know who is speaking during a conversation!"
"It's the narrator's fault, really."
"It's the same thing!"
"Not necessarily."
"Yeah, it could be a story told in the first person by one of the characters."
"You know, I go insane from the guilt and kill everyone at the end of the story."
"Ahh! Who said that?!"
"Curse you narrator! Curse YOOOOU!"
Hehe. Suckers.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:20:14 AM | Message Detail
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I've always wanted to call someone and get the answering machine, then start leaving a message only to have the person I was calling pick up while I'm giving the message so I could be all like "Hey, oh, I didn't know you were there, ha ha..". And then after a rousing discussion of the meaning of life and favorite mayonnaise brands, I'd hang up only to realize I forgot why I had called in the first place. It's never happened, but I'll be damned if I'm going to hang up after all these years of talking to this answering machine.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:20:44 AM | Message Detail
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I think we could all learn a valuable lesson from the salmon. When things start to get dull we should swim upstream and risk our lives just so we could come right back to where we started off, have sex, and die.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:21:21 AM | Message Detail
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The most profound book I've ever read was Green Eggs And Ham. Think about it, the green eggs symbolize man's lust for money, and the ham could only mean that our greed makes us pigs. Sam-I-Am takes on the role of the devil, tempting the main character to succumb to greed, one of the seven deadly sins. And then at the end, he becomes a fallen angel, and eats the green eggs and ham, loving it.
And then I got bored, so I went to watch some pornography.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:21:48 AM | Message Detail
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You always hear people say they "heard it through the grapevine", so you might think grapevines are good for eavesdropping. Trust me, they're not. Back during the Cold War, I was ordered to sneak into a Communist leaders meeting. I hid behind a grapevine to listen in, but they somehow noticed me anyway. I've often wondered what went wrong. Maybe I should have found a bigger grapevine. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped onto the meeting table mid-discussion and started yelling "In Soviet Russia" jokes. Perhaps we'll never know.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/9/2006 9:22:21 AM | Message Detail
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What if the hokey pokey is what it's all about?
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/10/2006 4:17:30 AM | Message Detail
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If there was one show that should have never aired on television, it would have to be Popeye the Sailor man. He's such a bastard. Oh sure, he taught children to eat spinach, use olive oil, wear seatbelts, and not eat hamburgers, but he's not as nice of a guy as he would have you believe.
First of all, his name is Popeye. This encourages children to make fun of others because of their physical defects! Just because he has one bad eye doesn't mean we should call him Popeye. Secondly, he smokes a pipe. What kind of a parent would want their children to watch a cartoon with a character who smokes!? I know I wouldn't. It's all Dukes of Hazard, The Sopranos, and South Park for my children. Thirdly, Popeye has tattoos of anchors on his arms. What kind of an idiot would do that? The children would be ridiculed for life if they pulled a stunt like that. Fourth of all, Popeye always uses violence to get what he wants. I can't count how many times he has punched someone. He's such a bastard.
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BUGWEY! |
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From: BUGWEY
| Posted: 2/10/2006 4:31:43 AM | Message Detail
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I met this really cool dude on an elevator the other day.
I asked him what floor he was heading to and he replied by saying "BLWAABBLBLBLBLBWAHHHHHSHWIUCKAAAHHHLRAGILOOGAOOOOOO!!!!"
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BUGWEY! |
