Rabbi Yaakov Yosef Herman was a Torah pioneer in America. His daughter Rebbitzin Ruchoma Shain recorded his remarkable life in her inspiring book, "All for the Boss." The following story is adapted from the book:
     Rabbi Herman and his wife graciously opened their home to guests of all backgrounds. They dedicated their life to the mitzvah of hachnasas Orchim and there was always room and food for another guest.
     Their son Nochum Dovid was one of the first American bochurim to make the then arduous trip to Eretz Yisroel to learn in the Chevron Yeshiva. Rebbitzin Herman was not too eager about her beloved son traveling so far but Rabbi Herman was adamant.
     Rebbitzin Shain writes how she awoke late one night to the sounds of sobbing. She followed the sobbing to the kitchen where she found her mother crying and her father anxiously standing at her side. At first Rebbitzin Herman didn’t want to relate what was bothering her, but after much prodding, she explained to her daughter that she had a disturbing dream. In her dream, she heard heartrending cries coming from a room. She opened the door of the room and saw that the room was completely empty aside for an immense casket on the floor and a chair next to it. On the chair sat a woman dressed in a long black dress with a black kerchief covering her head. Even though she was seated it was apparent that she was extremely tall. It was she who had been weeping. A voice whispered in Rebbitzin Herman’s ear, "In the casket lies Avrohom Avinu and sitting near him is Sara Imeinu mourning his death."
     Rebbitzin Shain interjected, "But Mother, the Torah says that Sara passed away first." Rebbitzin Herman replied, "I know but this is how I dreamed it. As soon as I heard who they were, I ran into the room and also began to weep and cry. In my grief I tore my clothes and shrieked, ‘I will not leave this room until you promise me that my prayers have been answered.’
     "As I stood there, the top of the casket slid off, and Avrohom Avinu’s face appeared. His eyes were closed, but tears were coursing down his cheek onto his long, white beard. Sara Imeinu grasped my hand and said to me, ‘You can go now. Your prayers have been answered.’"
     The dream had seemed so vivid and real that Rebbitzin Herman still cried and shook with fear. Rabbi Herman was visibly disturbed but said that seeing righteous people in a dream is always a good sign. Then Rabbi Herman mentioned that he wanted Nachum Dovid to return home to get married. Rebbitzin Herman protested because he was learning so well and was still a bit young. However Rabbi Herman’s mind was made up. He sent Nochum Dovid tickets for a ship and told him to come home. Within a few months of his return, Nochum Dovid was married. Soon after his marriage, they received reports of the infamous ‘Chevron massacre’. On Shabbos just after Tisha B’av, hordes of Arabs banded and rioted in Chevron murdering Jews throughout the city. The Yeshiva was hit the hardest with the blood of innocent bochurim flowing through the Yeshiva.
     After hearing the devastating news, Rabbi Herman turned to his wife and said, "Do you remember that dream? It seems that at the time we were being judged in heaven and because of our meticulousness in the mitzvah of Hachnasas Orchim, Avrohom and Sarah came to protect us."
     When the angels came to the home of Lot to inform him of the immanent destruction of Sedom, the pasuk relates (19:3), "Vaya’as lahem mishteh umatzos afah vayochaylu- He made for them a feast and he baked matzos for them and they ate." However when they came to Avrohom the pasuk (18:5) says that Avrohom merely told them, "V’ekcha pas lechem vsa’adu libchem- Take some bread and satiate your hearts." Avrohom did not prepare an elaborate feast as Lot did. He did make them a complete meal but not as lavish as Lot made. Why is Avrohom the icon and symbol of proper fulfillment of Hachnasas Orchim if Lot did more?
     The explanation lies in an important principle. There are two forms of chessed. Imagine if a person, G-d forbid, has a friend who is sick and bedridden. The man will surely take out the time to visit his friend. But imagine if he walks in and his ill friend is asleep. He now has the choice of doing one of two things. He can leave a note saying that he was there and regrettably had to leave but hopes that he has a complete recovery. Or he can stand there and ‘accidentally’ make some noise until his friend wakes up. The difference between these two acts is the difference between genuine chessed and insincere chessed (which is also a good deed, albeit not true chessed). In the first scenario, the man came to visit his friend because he really wants him to feel better and be happier. So if the sick man is now asleep the best thing is for him to be left alone and for the man to come back at a different time. But the second person came to visit his friend to quell his own feelings of passion for his friend. He feels somewhat guilty that he can walk around freely while his friend is bedridden. So he comes to visit him to show that he really cares about him, but the friend must see him there. Therefore if he’s sleeping he wakes him up.
     Another example is when a guest arrives in his friend’s home after a long and tedious journey. The guest is completely wiped out and one look at his face will tell anyone that all he needs at that moment is a bed. But the host’s wife prepared a five-course meal with all sorts of delicacies. The host that sends his guest to bed anyway shows that his friend’s welfare is his first concern. But the man who sits him at the table to eat wants to show off how meticulous he is in performing the mitzvah of chessed, although the guest isn’t really interested at the moment.
     The Gemarah (Yevamos 79a) relates, "There are three identifying marks of this nation (Klal Yisroel): they are merciful, bashful, and they do acts of kindness." The list seems to be out of order. Mercy and acts of kindness are performed by one person for another person but being bashful is a trait that affects man’s relationship with G-d and not others, so why is it listed between the other two?
     Rabbi Paysach Krohn offers a novel explanation. Chazal are teaching us that even in our performance of chessed and having mercy on others, one must possess a certain degree of bashfulness. One must understand that just because he has the opportunity to do a chessed, it doesn’t give him a right to make a public display out of it. When one goes to visit a sick person or invites someone else into his home it does not transform the patient/guest into his ‘lulav and esrog’ that he can ‘shake around’ at his leisure. Although to the doer it may be a chessed, one must have a certain level of bashfulness for the receiver, and must ensure that his feelings are first and foremost.
     The Mesillas Yesharim refers to this concept as ‘mishkal hachasidus- keeping piety in proper balance’. At times a good act that one performs can have negative ramifications and the whole act becomes negative instead of positive.
     Rav Avrohom Pam zt’l related two examples of this concept: A couple goes to a wedding and leaves a babysitter in the house. If the couple stays late, they may be fulfilling the mitzvah of bringing joy to the chosson and kallah but it’s at the babysitter’s expense. If a woman works hard to cook supper for her husband and the husband shows up three hours late without calling and says that he went to drive his friend to the airport, it was a nice deed but at his wife’s expense.
     It may be true that Lot performed acts of chessed but he had ulterior motives. When the angels appeared to Lot, they appeared in their true form, as angels. Chazal say that on the day the angels appeared, Lot was appointed to be the Supreme Court Justice in Sedom. Therefore he busied himself to prepare a lavish feast to show how careful he was to perform chessed.
     However, Avrohom did chessed for the sake of chessed. The pasuk says the angels appeared to him as commoners; in fact, Avrohom thought they were lowly Bedouin Arabs. Yet he prepared a pleasant meal for them and invited them into his home. Avrohom was not interested in fanfare or dinners being made in his honor. He did chessed because he loved people and yearned to help them.
     The difference between Lot and Avrohom is the difference between great people and little people: Great people worry about little things; little people only worry about great things.
[The idea of the discrepancy between the chessed of Avrohom and Lot, I heard from my Rebbe, Rabbi Noach Sauber shlita,- 12 Kislev 5759]