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Monday,December09/02 I don't want to be different any longer. It's time to blend. Blend like I've never blended before. I want... a blogger, but blogger won't host my pictures... what's a girl to do? Who can/would be willing to host my pictures? I am in desperate need for some change. 3:07am I want to date lots and lots of boys and never make a commitment. I want to be a bad girl. A vixen. I want to have really really safe sex with lots of hot boys. I want to let them get just close enough to know they want to know me more, but then walk away, leaving them craving one more taste of Alison. But alas, it is not my style. I need less empathy. I could never do it... or could I? All I need is some practice. Practice and fireball. Mostly fireball. Holy crap this song is fantastic! I'm in love with it. IN LOVE. Speaking of in love, tonight while Janelle and I were leaving campus we walked by the gazeebo (it had the lights up) and I told her about old times. First year university (2000), on October 2nd, I fell head over heals in love with a boy who walked on his hands to impress me. We walked around campus and layed on the grass and looked at the sky. I got his shirt cause I was cold. I was so in love and it was great, even if the complete perfectness of it only lasted a night or two. It's funny how I have more bad memories than good, yet the good ones stand out so much more. I like it that way. It reminds me that even in crappy, you-made-me-cry situations, there's almost always something to smile about. I wouldn't go back there for the world, now that I know what was to happen, but I'm glad it all happened the way it did. I wouldn't trade it in, not even for a picture perfect happy ending. It was totally worth it. It always is. On another note, I have a great new theory about how abnormal people are just like abnormal cells and the ones that don't kill themselves are just like malignant cells. I really think this is groundbreaking. But I've written enough nonsense tonight, so I will get more into it after exams when I have more time to perfect my theory. Now is the time for complex carbs, coffee, and chapter 1 and 2 of my psych book. 1:23am Sunday,December08/02 I am a social retard. School starts again on January 6th and things can get back to normal (as if they've changed... ha!). My face can continue to dissapear. No matter. I don't want to go to school on PEI anymore. Don't get me wrong, I think the UPEI school of nursing is great. We have great prefessors, a great lab, and best yet, I have THE BEST classmates. I just want to get the hell away. I have to leave here now. I want to go to Dal., but I can't afford it. I don't even know if they have a 4 year BN program there. I think they do in New Brundswick. All my family is in NB. I could live with my grammy, but I would much rather live in the dorms. Maybe next year. Oh, God I want to go so badly now. I'll wait a few months before I bring this up with my mother. She's under too much stress right now for me to even suggest moving to town, let alone to another province. Anyway, enough depressed Alison online. My anatomy notes finally finished printing, so I'm going to start getting ready for study-fest 2002. Janelle and I are getting together to study good ol' anatomy and physiology. We're going to join forces and together kick some exam ass. Aaaah! And I'm going to be late. See yas later. 1:28pm Saturday,December07/02 Three down. I had my nursing exam Wednesday morning and it went great, then micro on Thursday evening. It went okay. I felt really great about it, but after talking to various other nursing students I'm having doubts as well. I'm sure I did fine. There's no point in worrying now anyway. My dad is out putting my christmas present on the car. I told them I needed winter tires, seeing as I think it's kinda unsafe to drive a little car like mine with summer tires all year. I can barely get out of my driveway. I pulled the minidisk player off my list. I guess I'll just have to wait for music :( I took yesterday off so today needs to be a day of hardcore independant study. Psych today, biology tonight. So is the life I have chosen. Yes, it's true, I am dull. 3:01pm Tuesday,December03/02 One down, four to go. Nursing lab exam went great, plus I got my paper back. I got 85%, but lost 3 marks for handing it in a day late, so I only ended up with 83%, but I'm still quite happy. Now I just have to work up the courage (and energy) to study for tomorrow morning's exam. I have this horrible sad feeling in my chest. I hate when sadness sneaks up on you for no apparent reason and all of a sudden you don't feel like you can do anything except mope and be miserable. Oh, well. I have no time to be miserable, so I'll have a cup of coffee and get to work. Goodluck everybody on your exams! 8:03pm Monday,December02/02 Jon Mayer will never get old. I still feel butterflies everytime I hear this song. That probably makes me a gay-ass-fag or something, but it really doesn't matter cause I'm not getting any anyway. I am truely pathetic. Taylor Carver, eat your heart (or ass) out. Ha! So anyway, I feel aweful tonight. Not sick or anything, it's just one of those days when you realise what an aweful person you are. Do you know what I mean? No? Well, good then. Tonight I refused to eat my dad's fried potatoes because, like usually, they were cooked in an crazy amount of butter. I told him that it's not healthy to eat that much butter and he said I'm a growing girl and I need it. I told him that women don't grow when they're 21 and things progressed, and he ended up telling me that I was going to be fat anyway (he may have been kidding, but it set me off anyway. I get a wee bit volatile around exams) So anyway, I threw one of my patented tantrums and hurt both my parents' feelings and blamed my mom for putting too much emphasis on appearances and pretty much told her that she's responsible for all my obsessions with appearances. I told her that she never tells me she's proud of who I am on the inside (which is totally unfounded, she tells me that I'm smart and a good person all the time and is always very supportive). Anyway, the evening ended with me feeling so crappy that I ate a whole bag of cookies (I would have been much better off with the buttery potatoes) and appologizing to Mum. Way to go, Alison. So... tomorrow is the day of my first exam. I'm stressed (as usual), but I'm sure things will work out fine (as usual). 10:27pm Sunday,December01/02 It's Christmas month! The last two nights were great. Just me and the girls. It was like high school all over again, only this time Moira's married. Friday night we ate at Vivas then saw James Bond. We followed that with going to Moira's to watch Harry Potter. We ate clementines and all fell asleep about a half hour into the movie at 1:30am. What a bunch of wild chicks. Anyway, the next morning we played truth with a list of questions from Moira's church youth group. Really, we are so bad-ass. It was really great. The most fun I've had in a long time. Then yesterday evening we went shopping, which was also fun. We went to the mall to pick out an outfit for Janelle, there was an incident with a stollen lolipop, and Janelle almost lost her wallet. She found it only after she had cancelled her credit card. Oh well, better to be safe than sorry. I bought pants and more christmas gifts at Walmart, then we all went home. My weekend may have been very tame, but it was great. I'm feeling very emotional and sentimental today and I'm glad to have had some great times with my best friends. In other news, last week was AIDS awareness week. I hope everybody learned something new about prevention and compassion :) Now the rest of my time until the 12th or 13th will be spent immersed in books, notes and notecards. Goody. I can barely contain my excitement. But really, after it's all over Greg will almost be home and Christmas will be a mere 2 weeks away. Now if you'll all excuse me, I have to go put a hot water bottle on my ear and pray for the pain to end. 2:07pm Thursday,November28/02 Diary of an Anxiety Addict Don't feel bad for me. This is how I like it. In other news, I've been trying my ass off to be a foody femme, but there seems to be something wrong with my cookies. I love cookies. I haven't made any in a long time, but the ones in Food Services are hella good. They have sprinkles. HOLY CRAP IT'S FREEZING IN HERE! Why can my family not be normal and turn on the damn thermostat! So the hell what if it isn't December. The month doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's freezing. Really, though... this is rediculous. For those of you who are concerned *cough*... I did not hand in my nursing assignment on time. And if I fail nursing because of that I will never forgive myself. Damn, stupid procrastination. There is nobody to blame but myself. Last night I chose sleep, as many people told me is really the way to go. I shouldn't have slept. Sleep steels too much of my time. I'm hereby announcing that as of now I'm boycotting sleep... and possibly Irving. I want to be trendy. Also, Brent, my thighs are not too fat. If you think I'm so goddamn fat and ugly, then you can just stay the hell away from me. I am being sarcastic, as I hope you were being when you called me fat and ugly. If you were serious, then you seriously hurt my feelings, and you aren't my friend anymore. You were joking, right? Lie if you have to! Tyler and I went Christmas shopping tonight. I hate Walmart. What else needs to be said? Also, only 2 more days of classes, then we're all free!!! Free to study for exams! Woohoo! Janelle and I are dedicating two whole days of this sweet, sweet time to immerse ourselves in human anatomy and physiology. I can't wait. It'll be just like french immersion, except that afterwards we still won't be able to speak french... I suppose it's time to stop day-dreaming (although it isn't day yet) and get back to work. Wish me luck! 3:19am Monday,November25/02 Only one month left till Santa comes! Hoorah! So anyway, I'm taking a small study break. Today at 3:30 I have the anatomy and physiology lab exam. I'm scared poopless. I think I'll be ready by then, and I really should have more confidence, but I got 30% on the last one, so I'm a bit (read: enormously) frightened of what is to come this afternoon. Oh, please let everybody else be as scared as I am!I don't want to be the only one. Anyway... no, sorry, that's the only thing I can think about. Also, it's raining men... or at least it is in my computer. Wow, this song will NEVER get old. NEVER, NEVER, Never! Anyway, I only have a few more minutes of valuable break-time (actually it's already over) to do my creepy web-stalking. 4:00am Saturday,November23/02 I love you baby, and if it's quite alright I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights. I watched Bridget Jones' Diary again today. I don't think it will ever not be my favorite movie. Now I have to go get ready to see Harry Potter. I'm very excited. I've been dying to see it ever since the priest cut up the book on TV. I'm quite thrilled. I'm also very stinky, so I think I'll go shower and possibly put on some clean clothes. What a fresh idea. I'm taking the van out. Dear lord, please don't let it stall in an intersection. Then back to the books after the movie. BLAHHHHH You keep thinking that you'll never get burned. Ha! I've just found me a brand-new box of matches, And what he knows you ain't had time to learn. These boots were made for walking And that's just what they'll do And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. 6:35pm If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. Um, yeah... That's why I'm still single. So it seems that people are getting some shit together. It's never too late to make the decision to be nice to yourself. I will be content to stand in the shaddows with all my quiet joy for you. I wish you all the best. Only one week of classes left, then the excitement of exams begins. The two exams that I'm most worries about are the OSCEs (nursing skills... I can give a manican an enema) and the anatomy and physiology exam. I have the anatomy lab exam MOnday. I'm kinda terrified, but excited at the same time. I can't wait for it all to be over. Next semester I'm off to nurse in Montague. Tuesday mornings from 7am-noon. I can't believe it's starting already. And they don't start us off small either. We start in the nursing homes giving enemas. I can't wait. I suppose it might be a bit different on a real person, huh? I know it sounds gross, but the nursing labs have this way of making it seem totally not gross. I've been desensitized to feces. Poop is no longer something to be grossed out by, but something to be removed and measured. 10:30am Wednesday,November20/02 A few of my passing thoughts:
Power Terms:
The hot guy doesn't know I exist. He waved at that hot girl that he could see right through me. Last time I checked I wasn't invisible, but it's sure starting to feel that way. BUT yesterday I bought new shoes. I got them at ALDO. They are brown and tan suede. And get this... THEY HAVE VELCRO! No more needing to tie shoes for me! Good thing I have velcro to take away some of the stress of crazy ol' school. I seem to run out of bad news to whine about. What am I to do? I think I'll go doodle with some glittery pens. I have blue, purple, green, pink, and a lighter shade of pink. So much doodling to do and so little time to do it. Well I best be on my way. I'll see you all another day. 5:75pm Tuesday,November12/02 I really need help now. I'm flipping out and I really need to eat something (it must have been at least 12 hours since I last ate), but I can't leave the computer cause I'll lose all my work. Why isn't anybody here yet? NOw people are going to start staring at me because I'm crying. Who the hell cries when they type their term paper? ANYBODY! PLEASE! I only need you for a second! Just one second to show me what to do. I won't make you stay and talk. I won't make you eat donuts if you don't want to, I just need someone to help me for one second. Please! Be a friend! 8:41am Okay, it's 7:48am Tuesday the 12th (that's right, today) right now and I need help really bad. I'm in the Kelly computer lab still (which is where I'll be for the next few hours, at least). If anybody happens to be anywhere close to the school please please PLEASE come help me. I can't figure out how to save in word perfect on these STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL COMPUTERS!!! By the way, have I mentioned that I'm very annoyed by the lack of computer availability at my house??? Cause I am. I'll get it all typed out and printed off and then I'll notice some little HUGE mistake that has to be fixed before I hand it in and there won't be a damn thing I can do about it because I couldn't save my stupid work! I'll either have to re-type the whole thing and miss my lab and get fired, or wait till tomorrow to hand it in and lose marks. Neither of those things sound too appealing so I'd really appreciate if ANYONE could come save me. Really soon. I'll be the girl in the Kelly lab sobbing over the keyboard. If you help me I'll buy you donuts. I swear! DONUTS! Will someone PLEASE HELP ME SAVE MY WORK?!?!?! Kelly lab! Now! PLEASE!!! 7:55am Wow. This is really nuts. The last time I was here (in the Kelly lab) this early was a while ago and I forgot how incredibly intense it was. I think they must have put something in my coffee. My term paper for nursing is due today. I have it written, so now all I have to do is type it up, make a reference list, and print it off (multiple copies to send to all my elderly relatives). I know way more than I ever wanted to about malnutrition in Canada's elderly population. It was quite depressing researching it. I was reading this stuff about the people who couldn't feed themselves, often because of arthritis or stroke. Things that are tragedies anyway, and it was saying how the people that work in the homes sometimes rush through feeding them and if the patients aren't eating fast enough the nurses just stop and leave. So I was sitting in my room, bawling my eyes off, hoping that my mom wouldn't hear me sobbing and come in to see me crying over something I read in a geriatric nursing text book. I'm rambling, aren't I? Really though, it was sad. It was all about how the bad nurses were taking away their dignity and how we have to have empathy and stuff like that. I just hope nobody ever treats my parents like that. But from what I hear the nursing homes on PEI are pretty nice. Of course, if I can avoid it my parents will never be in one. I'm rambling again. Anyway, that was my rant for this morning. I suppose I should get back to my paper before the sun rises. 6:35am Friday,November08/02 I think I did okay on the anatomy and physiology exam. Not as great as the last one, but hopefully I got 80 on this one. Not that less than that isn't acceptable, it's just that I studied really hard for that. I got my mark for the last micro exam too. I kicked some ass at 86%. My grammy is visiting and I temporarily have no internet access at home, so I'm still at school. I really should be getting sources for my paper, but I'm finding this to be much more entertaining. Yesterday my mom and I went to a car dealership. She wants to lease a brand new car. That makes me happy beyond words. She was looking at an Alero. I don't know what that means except that it's a better car than the van, which has now been deemed unsafe to drive. A new car is very exciting. I'm sure I had some news, but I forget what it was. Oh well. Niall's birthday was yesterday. Go Niall! By the way, if anybody is thinking of a gift, he really likes purple ;) 12:57pm Wednesday,November06/02 I can't tell if the world is actually moving as slow as it feels or if my brain is just moving really fast. I didn't sleep. Not even for my usual 2 hours. I'm scared. The last time I did this I fell asleep during my chemistry exam and spent the following day crying over how bad I did. Okay, my computer really is going slow. It shouldn't have taken me so long to get all the studying done (I say it as though I'm finished...), but since I'm HORRIBLY sick, progress has been slow. I don't feel at all good about this. Y-I-K-E-S! Damn cold/flu season. I'm getting a shot next year. In other news my mom and grammy are comming home either today or tomorrow. I figure that means I should clean the house or something after class today. I have a feeling I won't be making it to psych tonight. I just don't see a 3 hour night class going over too well tonight. This weekend and next week will be a tad nuts as well. I have a psych test, a nursing midterm and a term paper due, none of which I've had any time to prepare for. I'm definitely not working next semester (well, not for money anyway). 7:08am Saturday,November02/02 I have accomplished nothing so far today. Well... I guess that's not completely true. I got a bunch of new songs to make studying feel fresh and new. Janelle inspired me to get back to my 80s roots. In other news, it's freezing in this house! And it just occured to me that there is nobody at home to get mad if I turn the heat way up. I think I just might do that. It's really about time I started getting things done around here. 3:40pm Nothing new has happened. Halloween night Janelle and I went over to Mo's and partied. Then yesterday class as usual. Last night I was making a night out of studying and I got some unexpected visitors. Always fun, I just wish I had known so I could have put on some slightly less retarded pyjammas. Anyway, the rest of today is devoted to more study + laundry, then tomorrow Janelle and Mo and I hit the good ol' expo. What an exciting fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants life I lead. No wonder I'm so goddamn happy. 11:37am Wednesday,October30/02 A few nice little tidbits... We FINALLY got our anatomy and physiology exams back and I was quite happy with my mark. I followed that up with a mocrobiology exam, which went well, although not spectacularly great. I figure I probably got a 70. I suppose that's acceptable, although I'm truly hoping for an 80 (which I think in this case may be a bit out of reach), but I did my absolute best so I should really be happy with myself. I wrote a psych test tonight which didn't go so well, but it just didn't seem as important as the micro (seeing as the micro is worth 25% of my total mark). And... (drum roll)... I know the first name of that mysterious guy I have a crush on who's name I didn't know but do now. Now don't get too excited. I've never even talked to the guy and don't know anything about him. Also, since this is me, he probably has a girlfriend or is married or something. Anyway, I'm absolutely exhausted and getting pretty sick, so I'm going to go to bed. I'm getting up early to study. Sweet dreams, all. Don't let the bed-bugs bite. 9:15pm Monday,October28/02 It must have been love, but it's over now. It must have been good, but I lost it somehow. Anyhow... Pretty Woman was on TV last night. It's my all-time favorite movie so I had to watch it. Wouldn't it be nice if happy endings happened in real life too? I'm getting into the wrong profession. If I really want to be happy I should be going to prostitute school. May we have another dance? Just one more time. Stay. In other news, we still didn't get our biology exams back. I'm getting very pissed. Not only has it been 3 weeks now, but our next exam is in one week and we still haven't gotten the first one back!!!. If he's too busy to teach this course right, then he shouldn't be teaching it at all. They could get ANYBODY else to teach it, as long as they will give it at least minimal attention. I understand that he's got all that oh-so-important stuff to deal with, but I think maybe our education should come first. I heard the average for the lab exam was 52%. Maybe now they'll get the point that we're all having a little trouble learning it! Busy, busy, busy week this week. I guess that's okay. I'll have no time to be sad, anyway. 12:18pm Saturday night was, well... a learning experience, if nothing else. It was fun and everything, but I saw , for maybe the first time, some huge character flaws that I wish I didn't have. The night with my girls that I thought for sure would make everything fall back into perspective didn't quite work out as planned. I guess in a way it did too, though. Things definitely fell into perspective, just not quite the same way I had planned for them to. I'm being so melodramatic. Nothing bad happened or anything. I actually had a really good time. I just did a lot of thinking while I was walking about how nothing had really gone as planned. Not that that's necessarily bad. I know surprises are good. I need them to keep my life from being one huge study session. I just think that maybe I think too little about the fact that the world doesn't, in fact, revolve around me. Unless it does, which would be really weird, but I really don't think it does. I still have that aweful feeling in the pit of my tummy. Please don't ask me what it is, because the only thing I know is that something is wrong, but that I don't know what it is. It's just making me even more of a headcase than I was before. I'll just assume that it will either work itself out, or burn a hole right through my stomach. I'm just gonna wait and see which it's gonna be. 12:30am Saturday,October26/02 It's all about holism, right? If something goes wrong in one small part of a system, the whole system is disrrupted (wisdom from a student nurse). I don't even think I was depressed after all. Maybe I was just hungry and that was all just some weird side effect of not having nearly enough ice cream and vanilla coke in my sad little tummy. I think my cat knew I was down. He was being much more attentive than usual. I bet if he could, he'd have popped me some pop corn and talked it all out with me. What a great cat... No, I'm not psychotic, I'm just being imaginative. Plus I do have great cats. If I had money, or at least $100 less debt, I'd go shopping and get new shoes and a new comfy pink hoody. Then I'd put my new stuff on and lay under my bed and think about how much better things are now than they were before I had new clothes. I'm gonna go study my ass off all day, then possibly go out for food and talk tonight? 10:39am Friday,October25/02 Okay, I'm back and slightly more together than I was. Did you ever have a dream that you want to come true sooooo badly, but all common sense tells you that you really shoudln't want it. Besides, it won't happen anyway. I don't care if my ambiguity pisses people off or makes them laugh. If people knew what I meant they would all start giving me advice, but nobody understands, not even people in the same place as I am, because nobody else is as frigging crazy as I am. I want so badly to fall in "love" again, but I can't find anyone I want to be with. Not even the one guy I thought would make everything better. Why the hell can't anyone make it better? Well, I guess I can't expect someone else to fix something even I can't. I thought I was so damn strong. How can I ever believe anything? Now, after everything, I haven't learned anything about love, except that it's fleeting and it's something that I should guard my heart against, because when it stops (which it inevitably will) I'll just be alone under my bed crying like a retard. I can't even remember what it was like to be so happy. I don't remember the feeling, but I know it was there. It's just time to take a step towards reality and be honest with myself about what has happened. There will be no "one fine day". I will never be happy with the things I want so badly. I should just stop all the stupid dreaming. Really, what good has any optimism ever done me? Where has it gotten me? Here. Alone on a Friday night, in front of my computer crying, listening to Patsy Cline with the weird scary feeling that there is a big guy standing behind me ready to pull a wire really tightly around my neck. I think the lack of rest is getting me a bit paranoid. I can't go to the bathroom at night without feeling terrified of getting chased down my hallway by a someone with a knife, or shot in my sleep by the sniper outside my window. I'm really losing it. 8:04pm I'm spending the whole weekend studying. Fun, or what? I suppose it'll pay off when I kick some micro and anatomy and physiology ass. Wow. I just got some odd news... WHO TOLD? Really? I shouldn't be getting into this when I'm already feeling vulnerable and very lonely. I don't want to study now. I just want to curl up under my bed and cry while I listen to stupid sad songs... but I can't because there's a dead eerwig under my bed and I'm too grossed out to do anything about it. Just to clear up some confusion, the post that I made on October 12... after Chris's party... I did not have sex in my van. It sounds really bad, but that's not what I meant. I can't write it here, but if you want to know what I was talking about, ask me in person and I'll tell you. Anyway, things really suck and I'm quickly losing faith in the male population. But it doesn't matter because I will spend the rest of my life a lonely spinster anyway. PS: I lied to you. I am not strong. I am the weakest person on the face of the earth. I am not over anything, and I don't know how to be. I hope you forgive me. But really, what's a lie between friends? 6:43pm Wednesday,October23/02 Baby, love really hurts without you. It's so true! I've been feeling very down lately and I can't really put my finger on why. Is it because I'm stressed about school? Stressed about money? Maybe I don't want my mom to go away next week (I hate it when she goes away)? Is it because Christmas is comming and I have nobody to trim the tree with me? Maybe I'm just missing a friend? Maybe my feelings are hurt? Whatever it is, I hope it's repareable, because I really hate being sad. Maybe I'll listen to my own words of wisdom (which I stole from someone else). This too shall pass... right? 10:32pm I'm having a BAD day. There was the one upside of getting 92% on my nursing midterm, but everything else is crappy. I was gonna stay at the school and finish my phych assignment in the library, but I think I'll just go home and do a crappy job of it there while I eat free food, because I have no money (actually that's a lie... I have $5). I have to go fume some more now. 11:57am Monday,October21/02 One toke over the line? I suppose in my case it's more like one exam over the line. The last few weeks has been nothing but crazy studying. I thought that today would be the end of it for a couple of weeks, but wrong I was! I have our second micro midterm next week, along with our nursing paper (or is that the next week), then another 121 midterm the week after that. Then there is of course the wrapping up of all the clinical stuff. It's gonna be pretty nuts for the rest of the semester... and probably year. Anyway, I think I may have temporarily burnt out. Why, you ask? (I'll pretend you did). Saturday night I skipped studying to go out with the other nursing students and get tanked. I had a great time. Learned a lot of names (most of which have been forgotten). The whole night was really fun (besides the horrible fear that I was responsible for Janelle's dissapearance, which was cleared up when she turned out to be not dissapeared). Anyway, then yesterday was spent attempting to study, but it was mostly unsuccessfull due to a cold/flu type deal, along with the need to recouperate from Saturday night. So here I am. I had class all morning, now I'm going to visit my senior, then I'm going into my Anatomy and Physiology lab exam completely unprepared. I'm almost excited to see what the outcome will be. I heard it's a killer. How exciting. 12:38pm Sunday,October20/02 I think I drank too much. Brent sent me an email with reasons trick or treating is better than sex. hehe. They were kinda retarded,b ut I am too, so we matched. The strange girl in the bathroom that worked there told me not to feel guilty. Okay. Bartenders know everything... espesially when they're peeing. I should go to bed now, cause my dad'll be waking me up early to go into town to get the car that I abandoned. I dont' think I could have driven home., although something felt so wrong about leaving my cqar. I'm sure if I was sober it would have made sense... of course if I was sober I wouldn't have had to leave my car. Anyway... I got to know a lot of the other nurses tonight. They all rock my socks right the hell of my feet. Brent is laughing at me. I'm going to go pass out now... on my side... in the prone position. PS: I'm CPR and first aid certified now. I'm allowed to start working in the hospital! 2:16am Wednesday,October16/02 I think I have a crush on someone. Someone none of you know. hehe. I don't even know his name. I've never actually spoken to him, but I think we've been introduced. He probably has a girlfriend... but it wouldn't hurt to imagine him without one... and invent a perfect personality for him, right? Can you guess? If you can, tell me. I would like to know his name. I'm on another Patsy kick. I got home just in time to see her on Biography. I got 80% on the nose on my psych test that I wrote tonight. I know I said I'd be happy with that, but when I said I'd be happy with anything over 80, I meant I would only be satisfied with 89%. Well... I'll be honest, I will never be happy with any mark I get. My goal will always be to get 10% higher than what I got. What can I say... I'm hard to please? When I was little, any time my mom was cooking, or cleaning, or doing anything, she would hum the Tennessee Waltz. She still does. Sometimes I catch myself doing it too. I miss you darling, more and more everyday. As heaven would miss the stars above. With every heart-beat I still think of you and remember our faded love. 10:41pm Tuesday,October15/02 Today will be a long day. I got up early today to work on my nursing paper which is due today. I have to learn the chemistry lab for today, seeing as I haven't quite looked at it yet. Then to the lab. Ugh. Which will be followed by watching last week's nursing videos (and this week's if there are any). Then home to study for tomorrow's physch test. Damn. When will I sleep? I hope I don't get sick. 9:38am Monday,October14/02 Mmmm... I love the feel of a good study. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I can get it all done. Don't forget, I am superwoman. Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I. Enough Korny music. I'm hooked on Brodie's page. DAMN YOU! 3:20pm Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful that my parents are comming home today and may or may not be bearing pumpkin pie. I actually dreamed about it last night. Greg called yesterday and I couldn't think of a thing to tell him. I'm positive that I have a million things I've been waiting to tell him, but I always draw a blank when he asks "What's new?". I'm gonna start writing these things down. I woke up this morning craving Joni Mitchel. That soon lead to Patsy Cline. I'm a 50 year old stuck in a astonishingly attractive 21 year old body ;) Anyway, I should go start the dishes. I must hide the evidence of last nights baking. I just realised I have about a million and one things to do today. That's what I get for wasting the weekend with fun and relaxation. That'll teach me to unwind! 11:03am Sunday,October13/02 I am the queen of ice. It's Sunday. Happy Sunday! Janelle, don't feel left out by my ambiguity. You already know all my secrets. Nothing is new. Nothing at all. He told me it seemed like he was bothering me. The aweful part is that he was completely right. I guess I'm just more interested in someone else. "You know who". I'm living in a very silly dream world. Tuesday is comming, so bring your coat. Not only is purple haze a great drink, it's a great song too. Excuse me while I kiss the sky. I wish I had pumpkin pie. I'll run that by my mom when she gets home tomorrow. I love when my mom gets home. I wonder what she'll bring me. Really I don't need any pie. I've been growing. I now have a soft cuddley cussion around my ribs. I kinnda like it. It's so soft. 6:32pm IT'S SUNDAY MORNING AND I'M ALONE AND BUZZED!!! Did you mean it? Do you have some kind of respect for me for sticking beside my words, or were you being sarcastic and have no idea what I'm talking about? And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife... I can see paradise by the dashboard light. Janelle and Mo and I drank Whiskey. I'm not drunk, but I would have to say, pleasantly buzzed. It's true. Ask anyone. NONSENSE, right? Nope. It all makes sense to me. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm being vague. I only hate vague posts when others make them. SO THERE! Take that communism! I have to pee, write in my paper journal (private stuff) ;), then go to bed. See you all later... except those of you who I won't see later. Ppllbb 12:52am Saturday,October12/02 I don't think I'll shave my legs today :) Last night was great! Bob was hillarious. I felt a great sense of accomplishment in my van. Taylor said nice things about Janelle... and me for that matter. I had a nap, but came back with a vengeance. Taylor gave me fireball. And I woke up snuggleing with my buddy. Awww. Tonight will also be fun, but in a different way. JAnelle is babysitting her 16year old cousin and, if all goes as planned, Mo and I are going over to help. Wooo! -Tyler, I am not mad at you. I was just really really TIRED. I swear :) -Chris, you threw a great party. Thank you for letting me cook Kraft dinner in your house (Your KD, by the way), even though I know you didn't know about it. I couldn't find the milk, so I used out-dated cream and water. It worked fine. 2:38pm Friday,October11/02 I'm not coward enough to pretend not to have said the things I said. Enough. Time to go to bed. 1:44am Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone? They paved paradise, put up a parking lot. Really though. A bit of assholeness rubbed off. All of a sudden I'm a vixen. To all the boys I've flirted with: I am not interested in any kind of relationship with any of you. Seriously. I can't see myself being with someone right now, or even in the near future... of course there's always the obviouse exception of Brent. Hey baby, I'll be seein' you tomorrow... I'm joking, you know. hehe. Really... Late last night I heard the screen door slam, and a big yellow taxi took away my old man. Yeah, so on another note, tonight was very fun. My team lost at trivia. The math team won. pff. Niall won dinosaur capsuls that open and turn into sponges in hot water. He gave me a few. Very Very Very fun. Pizza was good. Moira's was weird, but fun as usual. Please don't judge. I don't mean to be a bitch. I think it has just been building up. Hopefully it is all out of my system now. I'm sorry... I'm very tired. It's definitely time for me to sleep. People let me put you wise, she goes out with other guys. 1:37am Thursday,October10/02 So many people are looking for somebody different who's not like all the others. What happens when all the different people turn out to be the same as all the other different people? I am my own WORST ENEMY. Worst. I am not bipolar. I just change my mind a lot. I also am not psychotic. Anyway, lab was uber fun today. Took temperatures, and pulses. I have a Body Mass Index of 18.5 and according to the nurses I'm 5'7" and 119lbs. Goodo. I think I'll go get ready for the CS pizza/trivia night. 5:10pm Wednesday,October09/02 I know it's true. It's funny... I just had the same conversation with someone else about an hour ago. I know Jeff wasn't the best thing to happen to me... in fact sometimes I wonder if he wasn't the worst. I can't even count the amount of times that I know I've been lied to, and I know there are so many more that I'm not aware of. Jeff, I will not tell you that I'm not trashing you, because in all honestly, I think I am. And I think I'm entitled. 4 times. I can be pissed if I want. I bet things are different there. Are the girls in Whistler as easy to play as we are here? 11:49pm Okay, here it is. This is what you want, isn't it? To see that I am, in fact, weak. I miss Jeff. Not necessarily his presence (as I never saw him anyway), but how we were before, when I thought that nothing could come between us, when I thought that our love was so great that it was untouchable. hehe. Silly, naive Alison, wake up and smell the stench of dumpsville. I miss the great things he would do to make me feel better when I started feeling like a basket case (much like I'm feeling now). I'm staying up all night to study. Who's going to take me for juice after my exam when I'm falling asleep on my feet and crying for no good reason? I miss being indestructable. I want someone to know me like that again. I want someone to know how to put me back together again. On a different, but related note: Thank you, Brent for making me feel better. *hug* You know just the right thing to say. hehe... what a ladies man. Exam in 9.5 hours. Studying all night. Homemade moca is a God-sent. 12:06am Tuesday,October08/02 Today has been long. I immagine it will still seem long at 3am when I'm still cramming. Damn. All I ask is for 5 or 6 hours of sleep. That's ALL! I could fall asleep now with my face on the keyboard. I'll wake up with little squares imprinted on my forhead. I shoudl have gotten coffee on the way home. Shoot. Why don't I think of these things? I'm rambling out of tiredness. Today I wanted a baby. But I think I'll wait till I have more time... and maybe some money. I think I'll go make some coffee. My eyes are falling. 6:51pm Sunday,October06/02 Tyler is home! And he went to hooters! Today was thanksgiving for my family (we like to be different). Mmmm... I'm not a big turkey fan, so my mom made me ham and scalloped potatoes. Yummy. I like food. Anyway, I changed my email address, so everybody that had me on their msn list before, please add me again. I'm alisonmalison@hotmail.com now. Yeah... that was basically my whole point. I learned and used a new word today. Leer. It sounds like beer. 8:48pm Saturday,October05/02 Self-destruct. I am my owm worst enemy. What the hell is wrong with me anyway? Do you know what I need really badly? I need to go out and get drunk with the boys. I want to go and forget all about my stupid sober self. I want to have a party in Cass. I want to have a party with the boys in Cass. And drink hard liquor. In 2oz shots. And pass out in Cass. I need to escape myself just for a little while. Sometimes I feel like I'm so together. What a lie. I can lie with the best of them. My favorite is to lie to myself. And melodrama. What a good actress I could be. I know it, cause my whole life is an act. Every once in a while I'm honest with myself about who I am and what I stand for. I always leave these honesty sessions with a renewed hate for myself. I don't mean to be who I am. It's all a horrible accident. None of this stuff I work so hard at will make me happy or make it stop hurting. Really. None of it. No good mark can fix this. Doing well in school won't fix this! Having a boyfriend won't either. No boy can fix whatever is wrong. Not even Jeff. Nobody. I can't expect another to fix the problems in me that most of the time I can't even see. I need to cry on a friend. I need my mom to hug me. I need someone to lie to me and tell me that I'm not the person we all know I am. I need to push the truth down a little deeper and hide it a little bit longer. But please ignore this. Tomorrow I'll be over it and will want to forget I even wrote it. Tomorrow my eyes will be closed again and I can be happy until the next time. 3:04pm Friday,October04/02 Players only love you when they're playing. Gotta make this quick... my frist senior visit is in, like, 15 minutes. I was told today that I'm a player. Crazy. At first I was offended, but then, the more I think about it, not at all. I decided after the latest Jeff incident (August 27. I remeber cause it was my birthday. I'll tell you about it if you ask) that I would no longer be the sweet innocent girl who continually gets played. I wanted to be "the girl your mother warned you about". Well... I guess I'm in the midst of achieving my goal. Now somebody tell me how to do it without hurting someone I care about. 1:42pm I didn't go to Nursing 101 today. I feel aweful, but there really is a seriously GREAT reason why. I can't go into it here. I will tell all my trust-worthy friends (okay, let's face it... me and my big mouth will tell evryone I see today). I have some stuff to think through and Nursing class is the absolute worst place to attempt that. At least it is this morning. Anyway, party tonight. Yep. I'm bailing on my first pub crawl. I'm still gonna meet them all at 4 and tell them why I can't go and what-not. I'll go to the next social event... I swear. In other news, I'm a horrible, horrible bitch. I know what I have to do, but instead of dealing with my problems and doing it, I'm hiding and hoping that it will all dissapear. But it probably won't. Jeff got to Whistler safely. I can hardly contain my excitement. I'll see you in 7 months Jeff Dohoo. Well... maybe. On a side note, Now who's being naive? Maybe some people aren't as together as they thought they were. And maybe I'm more than I ever knew I could be. Go me! If I wasn't such a bitch I would love me. Oh, wait, I think I actually like me better this way. 9:06am Thursday,October03/02 Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't. I should have shaved my legs. No, I didn't have sex... I had a doctor's appointment. I also had my first hepatitis B shot. Edward went with me for moral support. He's another nursing student. Next week we're getting blood work done together. Hmmm... romance, or pain? Why can't it be both? Being a nursing student has it's upsides and a few horrible, pointy, painful downsides. Anyway, I could be going to my first pub crawl tomorrow... if I can get someone to go with me. It's not only for nursing students, so I'm hoping to convince Janelle to go... if I can get ahold of her SOON. It's only $12 and should be uber-fun. Did everybody know that PEI is lacking one Dohoo today? Jeff's gone to sew some wild oats. Maybe he'll come back with a West Coast baby... or West Coast disease... Hopefully neither, although babies are cute. Anyway Jeff, have a great time. I wish you all the best and bid you farewell. You will be missed... not by me, of course ;) 4:58pm Wednesday,October02/02 Okay. Maybe I changed my mind again. Why do I keep doing that? I don't like it when I kinda think I might possibly like someone if I got to know them, but they seem uninterested. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm hanging out with the guys in Cass tonight. How fun. I feel like one of the guys. I burped and Taylor farted. Eeew. Maybe I don't want to be one of the guys... oh who am I kidding... I love it. My test this morning went somewhat okay. I'd estimate 80%, but I really had my heart set on 90. I was sleepy, so I skipped my micro lab. It's not compulsory anyhow. Anyway. I'm sleepy and I must go study... or something. My head feels all wrong. I fell asleep at Greco on the table. Sleep is definitely on the agenda for tonight. 5:54pm I feel very very very ill. Not to mention exhausted. I'm just not as young as I used to be... like 2 days ago. I hadn't planned on making it an allnighter, but there was just too much stuff. I didn't know too much to just stop. So I did it. I hate the 0 factor. I need at least a good solid hour of sleep before a midterm. And I forgot to put my pants in the dryer. I had no pants. I missed class this morning so I would have pants. I think it was worth it. Today just doesn't seem like a day to walk around exposing myself to people. Anyway... now I have nice, clean pants and they were really warm when I put them on. My head hurts funny. What is that? I so had a point, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. AH! I need ginko and FAST! *squeek* *squeek*. I hate wet shoes on squeeky floors. Or the other way around I suppose. In any case I should be spending this time doing something useful... like cramming and pannicking and setting myself up for failure. I want to go out to East Side for a lunch salad after my midterm. Is anyone in? Please?!?!? Wendy's just isn't doin it for my like it used to. The lettuce isn't crisp or juicy enough. Or something. What I need is to have a bf to drive me (in my car) down to just juicin and get me a juice. No. No, that won't do at all. It's definitely the salad that I want. And a shot of tequilla brought right to our table. Oooh. My stomach flipped when I thought of that. Gross. I feel like I can smell it. 9:07am Tuesday,October01/02 I wanna make you smile whenever you are sad. I get myself in such emotional predicaments. I think I want something, so I tell people I want it, then I think about it more and think that maybe I don't want anything at all. AT ALL. That's right... not even him. Most know who he is. It's odd... I'm lonely, but I'm not. The thought of being unlonely is scary and weird. I just got aweful, horrible, cry-worthy news. Shit. I didn't get a student loan. At all. SHIT! My mom said she's going to cash in an RRSP to pay for it. That makes me feel horrid. Absolutely sick. I'm going to pay her back. My plan was to pay for school at no cost to my parents. They say they're happy to help, but I feel bad for taking such a large amount of money. I'm keeping a record of it. And I WILL pay them back. This is better anyway. Mom won't charge me interest. Okay. Now more than ever I have to do well. I won't have them cashing in RRSPs for the next 4 years. I'll just do what Greg did and get a full scholarship by working my ass off. I can do that. It's in my genes. Anyway, I have to get studying in a big way. 5:56pm I am rekindling my relationship with GOB. Oh, how nostalgiac. It takes me right back to... 2000? I wish I had a Kazoo. Or at least knew how to spell it. Soaring high in the skys, he may be small, but only in size. I am a bad friend. Today I interrupted Mo's honeymoon. They weren't "busy" or anything, though. And I did have the pressing matter of returning Moira's lipstick... and chatting about... stuff... No news yet. I suppose midterms should really be my highest priority right now anyway. I shouldn't let myself get so caught up with boys... no matter how tall or multi-lingual they might be. The speach. The speech. Which one is correct? Moira is my best friend and as such I feel that I know her, at least reasonably well. I know that for the rest of her days she will strive to make Ian happy. That's just Moira for you. She will love him all her life without a second thought. I don't know Ian quite as well, but I have gotten to know some things about him over the past three or so years. I know he's a bright guy. Just look who he picked to marry ;). And because Moira loves him as much as she does, I know he must be pretty darn great. You two have such potential. My wish for you both is that you will always love and support each other, and keep each other as happy as you are now forever. Good luck and all the best as Mr. and Mrs. Ian Garnhum. I think it's time for the Punky Brewster theme. Maybe the world is blind. Or just a little unkind. Don't know. Seems you can't be sure Of anything anymore. Although, You may be lonely and then One day you're smiling again. Every time I turn around I see the girl who turns my world around Standing there. Every time I turn around Her spirit's lifting me right off the ground. What's gonna be? Guess we'll just wait and see. Ruff! Okay, so I wasn't going to include the theme song, but still. I couldn't possibly have gotten the speach/speech out Saturday night. On a completely different note, Niall, I looked up "manic" in my trusty thesaurus. Frenzied; Excited; Agitated; Hyperactive; Worked up; Frantic. All words that descibe me to a "T". But what are you getting at? Are you saying I'm deranged? ;) Anyway, I still have much studying to do. I'll see you all on the flip side... or something retarded like that. 2:09am Monday,September30/02 I skipped a lab today. That doesn't seem very me-like at all, does it. It didn't sound interesting. It sounds exactly like a lab I've done 3 times already. POO TO REDUNDANT LABS! So anyway, I took a nap in the cass lounge, bought some lipstick and visited Mo and Ian. They have a huge bed, and I bet they have sex in it. hehe. So what else is new... Hmmm... I don't want to say yet, cause I don't even know. Don't make a big deal out of it, cause I don't know anything. PLEASE! Stop asking! Okay, nobody asked... so sue me. In other news, a midterm and a quiz are to come on Wednesday. AH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHH! Niall called me manic today. I wonder what he meant... ;) 4:44pm Sunday,September29/02 Yes. I am back again. And feeling confused. Why does everything always have to be so goddamn complicated? Just once I would like my love life to be simple. That would be very nice. Very nice indeed. I don't have time for such nonsense. This stuff is cluttering up my brain and I can't focus on studying. Shoot. Maybe I should talk to my mom about it... No. I already know that will only end in me being told that if I just smile everyting will work itself out. I hate being patronized. My problems may not be as complicated as those of others, but that doesn't make them any less valid. I think when I get this heart/stomach feeling it's a sign to run screaming for the hills. That or hide under my bed studying till all my problems melt away. I like my life better when it's uncomplicated and uninteresting. Well not really, but I definitely don't like being confused and feeling like nobody can possibly understand the complexities of my love life, or lack there of. My house is making a weird noise and vibrating. I think it's about to take off. 6:01pm Alcohol is evil. I feel very ill today. I'd blame the liquor more, but I think I have to blame myself for drinking so much of it. MAybe chugging wine should be avoided in future events. Anyway, I found a trick to get my purse back and Tim drove me home. My mom was up so I had a super fun drunk conversation with my her. I don't know if she was aware of the extent of it, but she did suggest that I sleep before attempting to study. That was a good idea, but I slept till 2:30 and now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm talking to a lot of people on MSN. Maybe I'll go now. Mr. and Mrs Garnhum, do you guys have a phone number? I need to talk to one or both of you sometime. hehe. You're married. Moira is a wife... and has a husband. 4:43pm I want to go home. I want to go home and pass out in my own home. I want to go home to puke in my own toilet. I NEED to get home. My purse, however is locked in Janelle's rooma nd she is not seeming to be too responsive. I knocked. I heard moving, so I kept knocking and then the moving stopped. Tim thinks she might have fallen. I'll worry about that later, but right now I need my purse. Cool... black keyboard. I also tried saying into the door "I need my purse". No response. This is getting quite futile. I think I may give up. And get a cab home and shake my dad to give me more cab money. Then I'll just cashually explain that while I was feeling ill from liquor poisoning, I tried to get the money he gave me for a cab from my purse in her room, but I couldn't. I'm sure this will be acceptable. I need to live in town again. So... I totally hit on Steve tonight. Brent and I couldn't handle the commitment of a four hour relationship, so we ended our "going out for a day" early. It had such promise. Moira is not Moira Craig anymore. Now she's Moira Garnhum. Spelling will take some time, but it will come. I'll write more about it when I'm sober and able to typer better. This story deserves propper spelling and grammar. It'll be one of those nice stories without swearing... maybe... I was going to give them a speach tonight, but I got way too drunk, way too fast and passed out. I don't entirely remember you guys leaving. I'll call you tomorrow and interrupt your homeymoom to give it. hehehe... ... ... ... ... ... ... Anyway, I feel like I'm gonna puke, so I'm gonna pick a nice spot on the floor by Janelle's room (not to puke), to lay and knock, for hours if need be, until Janelle gets up to give me my purse. Tim just gave me the great idea To pop balloons by the door until she gets up. 7:19am I want to go home Thursday,September26/02 Sheep go to heaven. Goats go to hell... I'm on such a caffein buzz. I still have to get ahold of Mo to see about the friends thing tonight, not to mention the imminent dress fitting. I think I've gained 10 lbs since I got it sized last week. This may pose some sort of problem. Today I told my clinical conference coordinator that I have everything organizes and under control. I think I might have said I'm on top of things. Which is not a complete lie. I mean, I've got everything organized, it's just that I haven't quite found a way to schedule in sleeping time. But that's what the caffein is for. Apparently Walmart is still selling the "wake ups" caffein pills. That means I can drop all the bad stuff that I use to make coffee taste less discusting and still get the benefits of a good healthy dose of unatural stimulation. I'm typing really fast. Okay, so Moira, speaking of the dress fitting, what's going on? The wedding in in two days (like you didn't know) and I still haven't tried it on since last week. Do I have to? I mean, I'm sure it'll fit. Maybe I can just go in to pick it up tomorrow afternoon and try it on before I take it. I don't have the kind of schedule that mixes with anyone elses... unless you guys want to do the dress thing at, like 5am. Anywho... wedding to come soon. Practice thingy... REHEARSAL tomorrow night. I can't wait! I'm even gonna sleep Friday night in honor of your big day. Have I told you recently that I'm proud of you? You'r all responsible and grown up (well... you know what I mean). I envy you for being able to be so sure about what you want in life. Nobody deserves to be happy more than you. Happy two days before the wedding Moira! Anyway, I'm gonna go call you now... and see you in a few hours. Later! 4:07pm Wednesday,September25/02 I got permission to pay my tuition later, so I guess that means I won't be kicked out of school... or something great like that. Hopefully I'll get a loan soon. Jeff stopped by Cass today and Brodie got on my case about not being over Jeff, and how I should just stop. Wow! I never thought of that! Apparently the way I'm acting about Jeff leaving is making him want to go even more. Jeeze. That wasn't at all my intention. Jeff, I hope that's not true, because if I bother you that much and you want to be away from me bad enough to leave the province, you know you just could have told me to go away. I'll leave you alone if that's really what you want. Anyway, I hope you have a good time in BC. You don't really have to write to me or anything. I won't be offended. In other news, Moira's getting married in three days! Woo-hoo! Moira's wedding bonanza. Exciting stuff. We're all growing up... or at least Moira is. Anyway, I should go do something... like read my psych stuff. Or eat something. That might make the shaking stop. Moira, I'll see you tomorrow! Possibly for a dress fitting (email me) and definitely for Friends. hehe! TV and popcorn. Mmmm... It's been a long time comming. 5:33pm Tuesday,September24/02 Wow. I think forming an ex-girlfriends club would be a great idea! Think about all the stuff we could learn! I'm just kidding, Jeff. I'll try not to pry too much when you're gone, although I can't guarantee not quizzing your mom daily about how you are. Anyway, I guess I understand why you have to go. I'm just a creepy girl who's going to miss you. You know, if you change your mind you can always live under my bed. I'll throw you table scraps at night. It'll be fun. Like when we were roomates this summer, only this time you'd be more like a mistreated pet. Anyway, I have to get back to the books. Anybody who wants to give me gifts for no reason, just stop by. We'll chat. 6:50pm Monday,September23/02 I'm okay. I have this under control. I was gonna stop and get coffee ont he way home today, but I stopped myself. This has gone too far. Tonight I will get as much done as I can. I can't do any better than my best, and I'm okay with that... kinda. I'm gonna get a good night's sleep tonight and sleep in till 8 tomorrow. Wow. Only 5 days left. Only 4 days till the rehersal, which I'm very excited about. It's like the wedding, only less formal... and without cake. Mmmm... I can't wait for cake. People should get married more often. Janelle, it's your turn next! My dad is shish-ka-bobbing, and I have to go eat yummy food. Later! 6:56pm Sunday,September22/02 It's officially less than a week till Moira's wedding. Holy crap. The second biggest (biggest is reserved for the birth of children) day of Mo's life is in 6 days. How can you sleep??? The dress is ready, the shoes are ready. Hopefully the cake thing is ready. But most importantly, the bride and groom are as ready as they're gonna get. What an exciting time in a girl's life. What a great time to be Moira... and what a fantastic time to be Ian. I hope he knows how lucky he is. Moira is one of a kind and there's nobody better. Ian, treat her like gold, cause I know she'll always treat you that way too. I hope you guys always stay in love and have a happily ever after life. You may be getting criticism for getting mariied so young, Jeeze, I admit I was terrified when I found out (before Mo did, might I add), but prove people wrong by always being loving and respectful of each other, and in doing so building a happy marriage. God, I'm sorry. I drank coffee and now I'm feeling emotional and rambly. The point I was originally planning on getting at, which I didn't get around to mentioning, is that I'm so grateful and flattered and humbled that I get to be a part of your big day. I'll always be wishing you the best. On a completely different note, I'm totally hallucinating. I saw two eerwigs tonight and now I think I'm seeing them everywhere. I killed one in my house. That's right... I killed one! I'm so brave. I should have a cape and stuff too. I gave Jeff a drive home tonight. We made some great awkward small talk. Jeff, I'm gonna come clean here. I don't want you to go away. Not cause I'm your creepy ex-girlfriend and I don't want you to go to a place where I can't keep you under surveylance (okay... that may be part of it), but because I'm afraid that you'll go and make new friends and never come back to PEI. This place would be very queer without Jeff Dohoo. You're taking one quarter of the Dohoo population away. This is major. Anyway, if I don't see you before you go, have a great and educational journey. Eat well and wear a sweater and come back to PEI safe and sound and soon. Oh, and don't bring back any crazy BC diseases. I was gonna look up stuff on the 4 states of matter as well as try to find out the truth behind the great glass debate, but I gotta go study before the caffein wears off. Sometimes I feel like I'm not working hard enough and that I'm gonna be nothing but a failure because of what a slacker I am. Then I remember that I stayed sober tonight and left a party to come home and study. This damn well better pay off, or I'm going on a huge bender next semester. Why am I not working yet? Will somebody please learn this stuff for me!?! I'm way too illiterate to be a nurse. I think I'll go make note cards now. The internet makes me gassy. 1:43am Thursday,September19/02 What a day. Lab this morning was awesome. A group of us did range of motion excersizes on each other, then bandaged each other up. Then when we were all bandaed up they took pictures of us. It was pretty fun. Thank God for the lab, otherwise we all would have lost our minds by now. So anyway, Tyler and I are all good now. I couldn't manage without my buds. When my mom got home she gave me money to go buy bandages then she let me bandage her all up. It was quite entertaining. This weekend she's letting me do range of motion excersized on her. I gotta admit, besides all the work, I'm really having fun. Tonight they played the friends where Rachel has her baby. Only one week from today till the season premier! Janelle and I are going shopping tomorrow... without Moira. Can you guess why? Only a week and two days till the BIG day! 9:36pm Wednesday,September18/02 Okay, I ditched the healthy thing. It's been a very long and very hard day, and I know it's only gonna get longer and harder, so I bailed on the salad and granola thing and went for popcorn and chocolate for dinner. I feel so gilty that I might just go eat some more chocolate. Or got to MacDonalds. I still have psych readings to do. I don't want to be in this building any more, seeing as I've been told I'm no longer welcome. I'll go study in my car. It's too cold in here anyway. 5:40pm Wow. It's too bad that I have to give up the people who I was lead to believe were my friends over something like that. I guess it's pretty major to have a "friend" tell me that I should just shut my mouth and pretend to be someone else. Maybe it makes you uncomfortable that I am who I am, but I'm really okay with myself. Unlike you, I prefer not to hide my true self. If I believe in something I will be open about it. I know there is a time and place for everything. I would never go to a church and tell people they are being silly, but I thought when I was among friends I could be myself and not worry. I would think that if I offended a friend that friend would tell me and I would know not to do that again. I think it's different to be able to talk openly with my friends. I will not pretend to be someone else just to make you happy, Tyler. If you don't like who I am, then that's your problem, but if it makes you happy, I'll leave you guys alone and be myself to better friends who can deal with who I am. And just incase you missed what just happened, YOU are the one who offended ME. 12:14pm Tuesday,September17/02 The lab went quite well. There were a few glitches, but that, with it being the first lab, was expected. Nobody knew that we were doing both lab 1 and 2 today (including me), so nobody had the pre-lab done (including me). Luckily the lab instructor had the answer for me anyway. I got a few questions that I knew the answer to and one that I didn't know, but I listened to Nelson (the instructor) explain it, then I knew it too. I'll know it extra well for next week. It didn't seem like three hours at all. It just flew by. I answered some questions, marked some labs and left. This might not be a bad job after all. If only it were more than three hours a week. I saw Brodie, Brandon and Josh after my lab and we had a chat. That was fun. I wish I saw friends more often. I'm beginning to feel like I don't spend enough time being social. Oh well. I'll make up for it this weekend with Mo's shower/bachelorette thing. hehehe... 5:30pm Okay... I may be pannicking. I do the chem lab today and I can't do the lab assignment. Actually I'm having some trouble with the pre-lab as well. Does anybody know how to tell the difference between an "ate" and an "ite"? You know, as in "chlorate" vs. "chlorite"? I don't remeber that at all. I know there's a way to tell, I just can't figure it out for the life of me. I think I'm gonna surf the web for a page that tells you the names of formulas. And possibly one that will tell me what the hell a full molecular, total ionic, or net ionic equation is. Hopefully nobody in this class will have any questions. 9:48am Monday,September16/02 Morning, morning, morning... It's getting late. EVERYBODY UP! I got up at 6:30. I don't know why, but here I am. Dressed and perky and lacking something to pass the time till I leave at 8. I think I'll make a healthy lunch instead of buying fast food like I usually do. I could make a spinach salad... So anyway, it's Monday morning. That means a whole new fresh week. Another chance to try my hand at this whole time mangement thing. I suppose it doesn't help that I have my readings from the weekend leftover to do tonight and tomorrow. I wish I wasn't so damn illiterate. It would be nice to be able to read at a normal rate. I've been very happy lately. I don't know what has gotten into me! Epiphany, or just spontaneously increasing seratonin? I have so very (incredibly) little free time (as in I don't have ANY) that I just can't waste it being sad. It's so much more time efficient to spend it happy. 7:19am Sunday,September15/02 Oh where did the weekend go? Friday night I made a list of things to get done. Then I started on the list. Saturday morning at 10am I started studying. I finished at about midnight (although I did take a few food breaks during the day). Today I started the studying again at about noon. I got pretty much all of my list finished, but I assume I will be up all night doing microbiology readings and working on my nursing labs. But I suppose it's all worth it. My mom got home safely at about 5pm (which is when the studying stopped). She had presents. She's been really proud (she's been pushing for me to go into nursing since I told her I wanted to do sciences in junior high). She brought me home scrubs... PINK SCRUBS!! Pink pants (that are slightly tapered, but I have yet to see scrub pants that aren't). And I guess my grammie thought she should hop on the buy-alison-stuff bandwagon, and she got me a sweater. I kinda like it too. I think my mom must have picked it out. She got my mom one too, that looks like it will fit me, so it's like I got two sweaters. Yeah, so this weekend was quite prodctive, although I don't really know where it dissapeare to. I got a lot done, got a sweater and pair of scrubs with a matching, long sleeved top with pink hearts on it. I still feel a bit anxious about the chem TA thing. It's kinda scary to think that people will be depending on me for help... especially since I don't have a clue what they're trying to do. Hopefully that can be cleared up before the lab on Tuesday. Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. -Dr.Seuss 8:51pm Thursday,September12/02 I got here at 7:30 this morning (Dad had to drive me in because of my car being in NB tis week). I went to Cass to dick around on the computers, but the good ol' cass lab was flooded again. So I came here, to the Kelly lab (can you tell I'm building up to something?). I am sooooo incredibly jump-up-and-down, pee-my-pants excited. YOu know that job that I REALLY wanted? The one I wanted above all the others I applied for? The chemistry lab TA (can you guess what I'm gonna say next)? I GOT IT!!!! I'm actaully shaking. I just don't know what to do with myself. I think I'm gonna cry tears of joy. Nobody'll be able to tell, cause I'm soaked anyway. HOLY CRAP! And now terror sets in. I never really thought I'd get it. I was looking at the names of the other TAs and they were all the people who were really smart in my class. I haven't taken that stuff since two years ago. 111 is an organic class, and I never took organic chemistry. Oh, well. I suppose they wouldn't have given me the job if they didn't think I could do it... i hope. Maybe Janelle and I could get together on the weekends and look over her notes... and book... and do the pre-labs together? It might help if I had contact with someone who's actually taking the class. Good thing I kept my old book :). I'm rambling cause I'm so thrilled and excited. A new adventure. YAY! Plus this means that the pressure to go back to Sobey's can be lifted. I'll call Brenda tonight and tell her I can't go back. (Brenda's the new front end manager. She's super nice and loves me. All the old-school cashiers want me to come back, but this is the job I really wanted. AND I GOT IT!) 7:53am Wednesday,September11/02 What an ugly, rainy, damp day. My mom got to her destination safely, which lets me breath easier. I feel bad about things I said about another person today to Tyler. I think I'll talk to him tomorrow. I can be such a bitch sometimes. I was thinking about it, though, and I think I was harsh and judgemental. Bad Alison. *spank* *spank* *spank* Learn to be more caring and kind. So anyway, holy work-overload. It's only a week into school and I'm already swamped. It's not that any of it is especially intelectually challenging. I mean, I've seen all the biology before, but the nursing 101 class could be 5 classes on it's own. It's really quite insane. It's the second week of school and I'm already skipping sleep to get things done. I was hoping I wouldn't start that until mid-terms. There just aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. Actually, what am I doing wasteing time here? I have work to do, and I have to go to school at 8am when my dad goes to work. Poo. See you later, folks. Enjoy the rain, but don't step on any worms. 10:39pm Tuesday,September10/02 Ahhh... There's nothing like updating your page from the cass computers. Many a(n) angsty/angry/happy/bored post has been made from this lab. Yeah, so the cost of first year nursing is getting way out of hand. The amount that I asked for won't be enough to cover it all, and really, what are the odds that I'll get it all anyway? Shoot. Looks like getting a job will be for necessity, rather than spending cash. I really souldn't complain though. I'm enjoying the nursing program a lot. The bio classes both seem really great. Fun and interesting (the best part is that there's no plant biology). The nursing class is gonna be a lot of work, but it's not hard material. Janelle's in my anatomy and physiology class. YAY! Ironically that's the class that has it's midterm scheduled during Moira's wedding. So either they'll switch our exam or Mo will be missing two bridesmaides. I'm just kidding Mo. If need be, we'll skip the exam. It's only 10% and we can make it up in bonus. You're wedding is FAR more important than some silly midterm. I sold a book today! I sold Jessica my analytical chem book. I don't think I'll be going back to chemistry, so I won't be needing it anymore. Jon Gillis just got here and is being nice to me. What a cool mo-fo. He has fluffy hair. I really like people who are nice to me. Especially on Tuesday mornings. Anyway, everybody have a nice day and tell your mom you love her. Wait! Brodie Gallant just got here too. He is also one very cool mo-fo. 9:59am Friday,September06/02 You've meant a lot to me and you've been a huge factor in helping me to become who I am today. Before you I was a timid nobody (more so). I didn't think a boy like you would ever be interested in a nobody like me. Then you came and gave me confidence and introduced me to the people who would become my close friends. Even after everything that's happened and all the tears that have fallen, I want to be your friend. You've meant too much to me for you to not be. I won't interfere with what you do or who you do. All I want now is to be your friend. I try to talk to you, but everytime I do, everytime I try to be a friend I feel like you shoot me down. After all that has happened between us, what is it that I've done to hurt you or make you angry? Just tell me what it is and I swear I'll be sorry. Just tell me how to fix this and to be able to be your friend and I'll do it. If it wasn't for you I'd still be sitting in the corner of my classes too scared to talk to anybody or to look up when I walk across campus. But I feel like my friendship is unwelcome and completely unwanted. If you want me to stop I will. I wish I could be your friend, but I'll understand if you don't feel the same. If you ever do, feel free to call. You know I'd never turn you away. 1:45pm Tuesday,September03/02 School tomorrow! I can barely breath! Everything's fresh and new. New major, new profs, new class mates. It's nuts. I just don't know what to do with myself today. I think I'll go shopping later. Tyler and I wanted to hang out if he didn't have other plans with other people ;) One of my classes still doesn't have a room listed. It's the one Jeff's mom teaches. I figure I could just call and ask, but the idea of calling Jeff's house petrifies me. So I'll just miss Sue's class on the first day, making a horrible first day impression. I'll flunk the course and ultimately ruin my life, watching my dreams crash in front of my eyes. That, or I'll just ask someone in one of my two first morning classes. All the nursing students take the same classes. That scares me. The people who are in my class at 8:30 tomrrow morning are the same people that will be graduating with me in 4 years. Well.. some of them, anyway. I guess I should try to make friends. 1:45pm Monday,September02/02 I will not let this drag me down. I have always been a happy person and I will continue to be one. I can talk myself out of this. I'm far too strong to be so weak. I meant what I said when I said that I would just get over it. I was blatantly flirted with in Halifax. Granted, it was by high school boys, but it was still flattering. They gave me and mo free gum. hehe. If only boys my own age, or at least in my own province could find me appealing. Whatever. Maybe in a few years I'll move to Halifax. Medical School? Maybe doctor is more my style than nurse? I've learned there are troubles Of more than one kind. Some come from ahead And some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going To have troubles with me! -Dr. Seuss I should put socks on before my parents get home. I hate living in fear... Maybe I should just tell them I got a tattoo. I don't want to hide it any longer. I happen to think it's damn cute. 8:49pm What a big and busy weekend. We left early Saturday and had a very rocky boat ride. Mo and I got crayons and coloring books from Cows and the three of us passed the ferry ride by coloring. After we checked in to the hotel and what not, we hit the shops. We saw and bought some cute and/or fun things and giggled at a double sided dildo in a lesbian book store. We spent a lot of time lost, but still had time to go in just about every store we wanted to. On Sunday we headed back out after checkout. We got a bit frustrated looking for a dissapearing sushi place. Formosa is probably better anyway. We got candy, got lunch and headed home. Janelle was sleepy so Mo drove and I took pictures of Janelle sleeping in the back seat. We swore loudly on the phone in a room with children in it on the ferry ride home... or at least Janelle and I did. After I got home I headed out to the last sleepover at the duplex. It's gone now :( I hope the balding hockey players from Ontario love it as much as we did. So it was a great last weekend of summer vacation. Tomorrow I'm going to buy pants and school supplies, then I'm good to go. Thanks, folks, for a great summer. 11:04am Saturday,August31/02 I'm starting to be more okay wih living at home. It was really nice last night to have the whole house (and fridge) to myself. I sang retarded songs that make me feel better really loudly. hehe. If I weren't me, I so would have made fun of me for that. Yeah, so last night was nice. I didn't cry in the bath, but it was productive none the less. If nothing else, my mind is more at ease. It's Halifax day! I'm so excited! It's that time of year again. Road trip time, that is. I'm gonna buy all sorts of sweaters and shoes. Maybe even a new pair of pants... I feel like spoiling myself. Maybe I'll see some cute pens and note pads. We're gonna eat a Halifax dinner and dip our toes in the Halifax bar scene. I think I'll make friends with a bouncer for protection. Anyway, time to go do my hair and what-not. See you all in school (and some of you before then). 9:14am Friday,August30/02 Pardon me if I'm sentimental I was just thinking about what Zain said to me in the driveway. Although I didn't seem too appreciative at the time (I just wanted to get home and cry), it made a whole lot of sense and made me feel better. Thanks to all my friends who have been putting up with Mopey Alison Jane for far too long. You've been very patient while I wallowed in self-pitty. Thanks :) I was gonna stay home and cry tonight, but all of a sudden I feel better. I think I'll just have a me night instead and maybe do some laundry (see how I spelled it, Jon). Could you imagine what it would be like if you could just not care? What if you had a switch that could turn off your feelings? Would you use it? I may be too sensitive, but I know what it's like to feel really good and happy and I like to think that sometimes I make others happy too. I put my heart on the line quite often. I like to trust people when they say they care. That may make me stupid and naive. Some people prefer to hurt others before they can get hurt. Maybe my way is more dangerous, but when it pays off, it really pays off. My good times out-weigh my bad by a long shot. I'm a fool, but I'll love you dear, until the day I die. Now and then there's a fool such as I. 10:52pm I'm home. Moved back. I think I'll cry tonight. I'm just gonna let it all go. No holding back. I'm gonna cry till I have nothing left to cry about. I'm just gonna keep on crying all night. I'll have a bath and cry. Then get in bed and cry till I fall asleep. I'm going to take my own good advice and let myself feel as much pain as I possibly can. Nobody is here to tell me to stop crying or to just get over it. Nobody is here to pretend they understand why I'm so pathetic, but that I just have to stop. Nobody is here, so I'm just going to cry. About everything and everyone that's hurt me and I'm not going to stop till morning. I'll cry in my dreams if I have to, but when I wake up tomorrow it's over. I will not hurt over this anymore. Starting at 6am on Saturday, August 31, 2002 I will not cry over this anymore. Think I can't do it? Watch me. I'm gonna get up tomorrow morning and be the happiest I have been in about a year and a half. I'm gonna go to Halifax and make a fool of myself, spending obscene amounts of cash, with my two best-ever friends. So that's that. I'll just cry tonight and get over it. Just get over it. I hope it's that easy. 8:10pm Wednesday,August28/02 I think this is what hung over is. I've heard rumours of its exhistance, but I never imagined it was this aweful. It actually almost makes me think I'll never drink again, but I won't make any promises I know I won't keep. This is not a good way to feel an hour before my parents pick me up for a big birthday dinner. I hope I don't puke mussels and corn on the cob. That would be a weird and nasty puke combo. So how am I feeling on the inside? I feel sad. Really fucking sad. I let a lot of stuff out last night. I screamed and cried and hid in a closet. I definitely feel different. I either feel a whole lot better or ever so slightly worse. In any case, as Chris pointed out, anything different is good. I wish there was something I could say or do. I can resist anything but temptation from you. But I'd rather walk alone than chase you around. I'd rather fall myself than let you drag me on down. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. And now it's just another lonely day. -Ben 3:07pm Happy Wednesday! Actually kinda not, but who's counting. So I don't think it would be safe to say that the night went off without a hitch, but I still had a pretty good time. Thanks to all of you who helped make turning 21 a somewhat happy experience. I'm well aged like a fine wine now. Feel free to sip me slowly. hehe. I think I might still be a tad bit drunk. Or maybe for sure still hammered, but at least I have a cake int he kitchen with a princess on it. I love it. Whoever stole all those letters is a genius. They provided party entertainment for at least minutes. Thanks to everybody who came by. You all made a great party. I will dearly miss living here and seeing you all... all the time. One week till school starts. Good luck, everyone, on all your adventures. If you see me on the street, please don't spit... remember, I threw one great party... well, besides the crying fit and hiding in Tyler's laundrey basket in the closet. But that's the part that only Mo and Janelle and Brodie and I know about anyway. 7:50am Tuesday,August27/02 Okay. One minor glitch in an otherwise perfect day. That's not too bad. I can get over this and move on. Or at least keep smiling until I convince myself I'm okay with it. Seriously, I'm fine. I have been through this stupid stuff so many times before that the pain is already mapped out. I know exactly what I'll feel and do next, and so does everybody else. It's been mapped out so clearly. Hopefully this will be my last time travelling down this well beaten path. No more, Alison. It's time to grow up and drink my coffee. I have to stop acting like a love-sick, boy-crazy school girl. Jon is here with a picture of a pantless guy in Tignish. Neat. See... look how happy I am! Seriously, I'm fine. If I say it enough and you hear it enough we can both believe it. I should be emo. Too bad I'm not smart enough to feel real depression. 7:30pm Today is great. It's my 21st birthday. That means I'm an official mature adult. I'm gonna start drinking coffee and learning about politics and reading stuff. I woke up this morning and waited till noon to try to get Jeff out of bed. He told me he would get up early for my birthday. I tried in vain for about 20 minuted. I left and went to my room to sulk, but then NIall came and Jeff got up. Then Niall took me to Cows for ice cream! Thanks Niall! I got "Cowrispy Crunch". It was great. Niall got a milk shake which was also delicious. I was planning on going to my parent's place for dinner, which would have been a bit difficult with the party I'm attempting to have tonight, but luckily my dad forgot it was my birthday and he made plans with visiting relatives. So I can stay here and party tonight, then tomorrow I'm going home for mussels, corn on the cob, new potatoes and spinach. And to throw on top of all that today is absolutely beautiful. Even Ben Harper can't get me down. 2:20pm Sunday,August25/02 Only two more days till my birthday! So today's shaping up to be a not-so-great day. Jeff won't get out of bed and play and I'm eating old unrefridgerated egg rolls for breakfast. Good thing I have plans this afternoon. Janelle and I are going over to Mo and Ian's new place to get a look-see and possibly barbeque. Mmmmm... I loves me hot dogs.It makes these egg rolls seem almost undesireable. Last night was fun. People got here soon after my last post so I wasn't drinking alone for long. I don't remember where the night went. We sat and talked and drank. That's about it. I didn't drink much at all, and I didn't get very far past slightly buzzed, yet I forget an astounding amount of last night. I think I slept a lot. I am not answering the phone. It's too cold to unwrap myself from my blanket and get it. So please, stop calling. If it's an emergency, message me on msn. 1:07pm Saturday,August24/02 I want to fall in "love" with someone and have them sing to me. Not only that, I want them to write a love song for me. Not only that, I want them to write Adam Sandler's love song for me. I really am very pathetic. I think it's time to start drinking. Drinking and listening to sad songs. Alone. And here I go. Jeff, if that's your beer in the fridge, I took one. I'll get you something better than gross beer sometime. Thanks, Bud. I hate beer. But whatever it takes to fool myself into believing I'm happy and okay. Did you ever find yourself sitting home alone in a dirty house, listening to sad music, drinking beer and crying? I should so be emo. Besides the beer, of course. If I went emo I would have to go sXe and start going to punk shows. I don't think I could do either of those things and still have respect for myself... not that I have a whole lot now. So anyway. I'm gonna be a nurse. That means I'll be a good person, right? I wanna make you smile whenever you are sad. Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. Oh, all I wanna do is grow old with you. I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches. Build you a fire if the furnace breaks. Oh, it could be so nice, growin' old with you. I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold, need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you. 7:52pm Today was a nice day. I woke up and Taylor was on my couch. We walked down to blockbuster and visited witht he gang. Tyler was grumpy :(. Then we went for lunch and talked about how great Janelle is and had a tip-war. I think we were about tied. Then we went back to blockbuster. Then Me, Taylor and Jeff all walked home. Now I'm here by myself. My phone is locked in my roomates room and it keeps ringing. How annoying. Now I'm comtemplating drinking here by myself. Not cause I'm sad or depressed. I'm just bored. And what makes being home alone more fun? Drinking alone, of course! I'm supposed to pass along a message that there is a cottage party tonight at Ian's and for people to call the Fitzroy house for further details. Anyway, I gotta go make a drinking alone pros and cons list. 7:01pm Friday,August23/02 Damn it. Today was my last day of work. I was soooo giddy. I had a huge goofy smile pasted on my face all day. The day crawled by sooo slowly. Now I'm home, I'm ritch, I have clean laundry and I'm ready to party. But there is no party to be seen. Not here anyway. Sadly I'm sitting home by myself on yet another Friday night. How sad. I had so many things to say to people. So many happy smiling things. Now I'm contemplating taking Joey's advice and just drinking by myself. Would that make me sad? What if I do it really happy? SHOOT! I'm feeling happy and content, but it sucks cause I'm starting to feel lonely. I had to tell you something too. It might not even matter at this point. I just wanted to tell you anyway. Maybe if I wait up late enough everybody will miraculously show up. Out of the blue... singing Sweet Caroline. That'll always be the dream. Yeah, so what am I so happy about? Well, first and most obviously, today was my last day of work. And not only that, but they actually gave me a good write up! I can use them on my resumee which is good since it would look great on my resumee. Then tonight I went home to do laundry and my dad gave me his T1 forms so I can finally do my student loan stuff. Then my parents gave me my mail. I got a card from my grammy. A card and a cheque. I no longer am indebted to VISA. That feels really nice. So I want people to come over and party with me. Happy Friday everyone! Make sure you're here on Tuesday for my birthday. I'll be 21. Be here or be queer. 10:05pm Tuesday,August20/02 The boys in my living room are watching porn. The computer is in the living room. So I'm listening to porn. Fun, eh? So anyway, I'm having a somewhat hard day, but I'm sure it'll get better. In 10 years I'll look back and none of this will seem important. I'll be happy and have a career and kids, and my life when I was 20 will seem insignificant. I feel bad for the things I wrote and thought about myself earlier because I kinda had my hate on for Miss Alison Jane. But I had a chocolate bar and some vanilla coke, there's still ice cream in my freezer and I'm feelin' okay now. Apparently there is something anal going on on the screen. Jeff is screaming in discust because he's trying to eat. Mo and Janelle and I are going to Halifax next weekend. I think we're staying in a sketchy motel with mirrors for the headboard. I'm very excited, but scared of car accidents and violent Halifaxians. I think I'm going Brazillian. That's a good life change. It's superficial, but it'll do. It'll be a big HUGE step towards not being so self-conscious. So anyway, 2 days of work left. I think I can handle that. It's not going as badly as I thought it might. I always have something to do, so I don't have time to stand around and think about how much my job sucks. I'm gonna have to hurry the hell up and get my student loan shit in. School starts in two weeks and I don't have a clue how I'll pay for it. Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of something. I always do. 9:09pm The more I read the post I made early Tuesday morning, the more I see that I did nothing wrong. I was sad and hurt and I wrote down my feelings. I never put your name because I didn't feel that what happened was the business of everyone in the free world. I never said anything mean, personal or spiteful about you. Seriously. Re-read it and try to find one mean comment that was directed to hurt you. I was sad and I think I had every right to be. You are the one who said mean things in your post. Plus you put my name so that not only I, but everybody who reads your page would see what an aweful, ugly, not-worth-knowing, and sertainly avoidable person I am. You brought up things that were none of yours or anybody elses business. You didn't have to bring other people or past relationships into the picture. And no, I don't handle breakups that bad on a regular basis. And no, you didn't have to bring it up. I did nothing but put some misplaced affection in you. You don't have to be so harsh, and you really didn't have to write such personal and hatefull things where everybody could read them. I find it ironic that you're the one who called me spiteful. Ouch, ouch and ouch 6:18pm |
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