The Carpenter's Son One day, an old man arrived at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Paul asked for the man's name, and the man, who had gotten alzheimers on earth, could not remember his name! He stood there a while longer, trying hard to remember, but he just couldn't think of it. Finally, Saint Paul started asking questions about the old man's previous life on earth, to help find out who he was.
First, Saint Paul asked him if he remembered what job he had. "I seem to remember working with wood," the old man said, "I'm pretty sure.. yes, I remember now, I was a carpenter."
Pleased to be getting somewhere, Saint Paul asked the man another question: "Do you remember if you had any family?"
The old carpenter stood still and silent in thought for a minute and then finally spoke up. "Yes," he replied, "now I remember that I had a son."
Saint Paul asked the old man if he remembered anything about his son. The man answered, "Oh yes, I remember that he was an odd son. Some strange glowing figure appeared to me before my son was alive, telling me that I would soon have a son. And I also remember having a little bit of trouble with my son. He would go off on his own for long periods of time without me knowing where he was. Yes, he was one different son."
Saint Paul stood up from his seat, with his mouth opened, and quickly whispered something to a nearby angel. The angel left for a minute and then came back, escorting Jesus with him. The angel took Jesus to the man.
Saint Paul asked the old carpenter, "Is this your son?"
The forgetful old man's eyes brightened as he smiled and ran up to Jesus embracing him. "My son!" he said, "It's so good to see you, Pinnochio!"
The Preacher and the Grizzley Bear One day, a preacher was walking through the woods alone while on a hike. Suddenly, a grizzley bear jumped out from the foliage and stood on its hind legs, roaring at the preacher, about to eat him! The preacher, fell to the ground in fright and immediately began to pray, "Please dear God, turn this bear into a Christian!" A bright light shown over the preacher and the bear and suddenly, the bear became silent and sat down on its knees. Then the bear folded its paws and said, "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
The Donkey A poor man came into a small town out West, and looking for some kind of help, he went to the church. He was greeted by a pastor, and when he heard of the poor man's troubles, he decided to give the man his donkey. "But", warned the pastor, "I must tell you, that to make the donkey go, you have to say 'Hallelujah' and to make the donkey stop, you must say 'Amen'. If you remember that, you'll be fine."
The poor man graciously thanked the preacher, and mounted the donkey, trotting off on it. As the sun began to set, he decided to stop the donkey and find a place to rest. But the only problem was, he couldn't remember how to stop the donkey! The donkey kept going on for another ten minutes or so, until they started to get near a dangerous cliff. Now the man started getting nervous. He tried almost everything to get the donkey to stop, but it would not. He finally decided to pray to God to save him. He ended the prayer by saying "Amen" out loud, and the donkey stopped just right on the edge of the cliff. Had he waited one second more, he would have fallen off the cliff to his doom. When he saw that the donkey had stopped, he shouted out in joy, "Hallelujah!"...
Jonah and the School Teacher One day, an elementary school teacher was teaching her class about whales. Suddenly, little Billy spoke up, "In Sunday School, I learned that Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
With a slight smile of amusement, she responded, "Oh, Billy, we all know that there's no whale that's big enough to swallow a man."
Billy replied, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'm going to ask Jonah and find out whether he was swallowed by a whale or not."
Getting annoyed by all of the religious talk, the teacher retorted rudely, "Well, what if Jonah is in Hell and not Heaven?"
With a smirk, Billy responded, "Then YOU can ask him."
The Baptist Family and the Dog A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible."
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23," he ordered.
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?"
The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel."
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray.
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!"
The Golden Telephones A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large Church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign , and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Iowa. Upon entering a church in Des Moines, Iowa, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in Iowa now...it's a local call."
Jesus is Watching You:
Late one night, a burglar broke into a quiet, sleeping house. He creeped in through a window and thought he heard a noise. Nervously, the thief felt for his flashlight. He waited for a while and there were no noises so he started pulling valuables into his loot bag. He was scared out of his skin when he heard a squaking shriek, "Jesus is watching you!" He crouched back in the corner and fiddled around with his flashlight, shining it around the room. He didn't find anything, so he calmed himself by convincing himself that it was just his imagination. He began looting some more and suddenly the voice was heard again, "Jesus is watching you!" This time he threw himself to the ground, frantically searching the room with his flashlight until he finally came upon a bird cage with a parrot sitting on a perch inside.
The thief sighed with relief and shook his head. "What do you think you're doing?" he whispered harshly to the bird. "Jesus is watching you," the bird replied. "Heh," the burglar chuckled. "Well, what's your name, little bird?"
To the thief's surprise, the bird responded, "My name is Moses." The thief struggled to restrain from laughing, "What kind of a stupid family would name their bird 'Moses?'" The bird answered, "The same kind of stupid family that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"
Fish and Chips:
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk."
Are You Ready To Die?: (from Allen Elkins)
(NOTE: a straight razor is what a barber uses to shave a man's face or head. It is razor sharp and can kill someone if not used carefully)
There was a Christian barber who went to work one day. He said, "I am going to witness to the next person who comes through that door." So he opened up and let people come in. One man came in and the barber got scared and said nothing. Then when he was finished he sent the man on his way. It was a rather slow day so two hours later around eleven o'clock, the man said "I am going to witness to the next man who comes through that door!" A big group of men came in and again the barber was intimidated, then forgot to mention God because he was making money. Again, feeling defeated, he counteracted and said, "By golly, I am going to witness to the next man that comes through that door!" It is now around two o'clock. The next man walks in and again the barber gets intimidated. All throughout the day he was unable to bring himself to witness to anyone up till six o'clock--closing time. He had built himself up so much in that day that he was going to witness to his last customer and that was final! Well, he got the customer suited and was going to shave his face and while he was sharpening the leather strap, forgetting every bible verse he had learned and every Sunday lesson he had listened to, he shouted to the customer, wielding the straight razor, "ARE YOU READY TO DIE?!?!"
The Woman: (from Allen Elkins)
There was a woman at the hospital. She had cancer and needed surgery to live for 2 more months. She prayed, "God how long do I really have left before I die?" God then replied, "43 YEARS." 43 years! She yelled "Woohoo!" She decided after her cancer surgery she was really going to start living life. So she decided to get a breast enlargement, liposuction, her tummy tucked, face lift, and she even died her hair brown. So 3 weeks after all the surgeries, she finally left the hospital. And SMACK! she got hit by an ambulance and was killed instantly. She went into God's courts and asked God, "I thought I had 43 years left to live?" Then God replied, "Oops I didn't recognize ya!"
One Penny: (from Allen Elkins)
There was a man who wanted to know how much one million dollars worth to God. One day, he came before God and asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God then replied, "IT'S WORTH ONE PENNY TO ME." Then the man asked, "God, How long is one million years to you?" God then replied, "IT IS ONE SECOND TO ME." Then the man thought he would try his luck and prayed, "God can I have one penny?" and God replied, "JUST A SECOND."
Four better or four worse: (from Dr. David Jeremiah)
A little boy was attending a wedding, and after the service, he asked his cousin how many women can one man marry? And his cousin thought for a minute and he said, "Sixteen." The boy said "How do you know that?" The cousin said "Didn't you listen? Here's what they said. All you have to do is add it up. The bishop said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer.' That's sixteen right there."
I Want to be a Minister: (from Dr. David Jeremiah)
There was a church service on a Sunday morning. A young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." The mom replied, "Well that's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I happen to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it would be more fun to stand up there and yell than to sit back here and listen."
God Tells Me: (from Dr. David Jeremiah)
A little boy who was watching his father--who was a pastor--write a sermon. He said to his father, "Dad, how do you know what to say?" The father responded, "Well, God tells me." The boy replied, "How come you keep crossing things out then?"
The Little Girl: (from Dr. David Jeremiah)
There was a little girl who was attending a church service on Sunday. The church service was really long. It went on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
God Help You!: (from Dr. David Jeremiah)
There was a man who had grown up and years later, on mother's day, he and his mom were reminiscing. He said to his mother, "Mom, I remember the prayer you used to say for me every day when I was a kid." His mother asked, "Prayer?" The man nodded and said, "'God help you if you ever do that again!'"
Hiccups:
A mother had been talking to her four-year-old daughter about how God is in everyone's heart as well as up in heaven. Later, when she had a case of hiccups, an especially big one produced this response from the girl, "Mom, God almost got out on that one."
Fireworks:
It was the Fourth of July and the fireworks had lit up the sky. As the last one burned out, a four-year-old piped up, "Daddy, do God's feet get burned?"
Faces:
When a Vacation Bible School teacher spotted a boy making faces at another child, she reproved him. "Bobby," she said, "when I was a child, I was told that an ugly face might freeze in place and stay like that." Bobby's reply, "Well, Mrs. Jones, you can't say you weren't warned."
Light:
A seven-year-old's letter:
"Dear God, We read that Thomas Edison made light. I bet he stole your idea."
Bride and Groom:
"Why is the bride wearing white?" asked a youngster at a wedding. Her mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness and a wedding is a happy time." The child had another question, "Then why is the man wearing black?"
Hot:
It was a hot July day and the church's air conditioning quit working. The pastor addressed the sweltering congregation with this brief sermon, "Hot, isn't it? Hell's like that. Don't go there."
Father, Son and Holy Spirit A serious six-year-old was saying his prayers, "in the name of the Father, who is God, and the Son, who is Jesus, and the Holy Spirit...who is an aunt or uncle or a cousin or something."
Cowboys:
A four-year-old watched a movie with cowboys shooting their guns into the air. She interrupted to say, "They shouldn't shoot their guns into the air. They might shoot Jesus."
Heaven:
A four-year-old asked her mother about the white stones in a graveyard. Mom replied, "That's where all the dead people are." Much surprised, the girl asked, "That's heaven?"
God's Right Hand Grandma pointed out to little Bobby the beauty of a new snowfall, telling him that God painted the wonderful scene for them to enjoy. Bobby replied, "And just think! God did it with his left hand." When Grandma questioned the use of God's left hand, Bobby relied, "We learned in religious class that Jesus sits on God's right hand."
Minnesota!:
Reading about the planets with her five-year-old daughter, mom asked her, "Who lives on Earth?" The girl answered, "All of us, except God." So mom asked where God lives. With a big grin, the girl answered, "Minnesota!"
Church:
Four-year-old Jason was complaining about having to attend church. His mother explained that he should learn about God, because it was God who made him. After some thought, Jason said, "Well, if I don't learn about God, will He take me apart?"
Amen:
The sermon went on and on in the heat of the church. At last, the minister paused and asked, "What more, my friends, can I say?" In the back of the church a voice offered earnestly, "Amen!"
Art:
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
Golden Calf:
A neighbor asked a father how his son was doing in college. The father replied, "Well, I felt like Aaron did in the wilderness. 'Behold I poured in the gold, and there came out this calf.'"
First Profession:
Three men were arguing about what the first profession mentioned in the Bible was. First, the surgeon spoke up: "I think the medical profession is the first profession mentioned in the Bible. God made Eve by carving a rib out of Adam." The engineer replied: "No, engineering was first. Just think of hte engineering job it was to create things out of chaos." And finally the politican retorted: "That's nothing! Who do you think created the chaos?"
The Clergyman:
A clergyman had been invited to attend a party of the Sunday school nursery department. He decided to surprise them. So, getting on his hands and knees, flapping his coattails over his head like wings, he hopped in on all fours, cackling like a bird. Imagine his surprise when he learned that due to a switch in locations, he had intruded on the ladies' missionary meeting!
Deacon:
(NOTE: No offense meant to Baptist deacons or Presbyterian elders. I myself am a Baptist.)
A Baptist deacon had advertised a cow for sale.
"How much are you asking for it?" inquired a prospective purchaser.
"A hundred and fifty dollars," said the advertiser.
"And how much milk does she give?"
"Four gallons a day," he replied.
"But how do I know she will actually give that amount?" asked the purchaser.
"Oh, you can trust me," reassured the advertiser. "I'm a Baptist deacon."
"I'll buy it," replied the other. "I'll take the cow home and bring you back the money later. You can trust me. I'm a Presbyterian elder."
When the deacon arrived home, he asked his wife, "What is a Presbyterian elder?"
"Oh," she explained, "a Presbyterian elder is about the same as a Baptist deacon."
"Oh, dear," groaned the deacon, "I have just lost my cow!"
Democrats:
(NOTE: No offense meant to any democrats)
A Sunday school teacher asked her class: "Now, who decreed that all the world should be taxed"
A student replied: "The Democrats."
Dishes:
Wife: "Would you help me with the dishes?"
Husband: "That isn't a man's job."
Wife: "The Bible suggests that it is."
Husband: "Where does it say that?"
Wife: "In II Kings 21:13 it says, 'And I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down."
Giving:
Did you hear about the town's richest man who met with the minister after the Sunday service? "Why does everyone call me cheap and stingy?" complained the man. "I've told everyone I'm leaving half my money to the church when I die."
The minister nodded. "It reminds me of the story about the pig and the cow. The cow was much loved by the farmer and his neighbors, while the pig was not popular at all. The pig could not understand this and asked the cow about it. 'How come you are so well liked, cow? People say you're good because you give milk and butter and cream every day. But I give more than that. From me they get bacon and ham; they even pickle my feet. Yet I'm not popular and you are. Why do you think that is?' The cow looked down at the pig and answered, 'Perhaps it's because I give while I'm still alive.'"
Golf:
A pastor and one of his parishioners were playing golf at a local country club. It was a very close match. At the last hole, the pastor teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball stubbornly rolled off the tee and settled slowly some 12 feet away instead of sailing down the fairway.
The clergyman frowned, glared after the ball, and bit his lip, but said nothing.
His opponent regarded him for a moment and sighed, "Pastor, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard!"
High Society:
The following conversation was overheard at a party attended by high society people:
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second lady and said, "And how far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the Flood."
Two Sailors:
Two sailors were adrift on a raft in the ocean. They had just about given up hope of rescue. One began to pray, "O Lord, I've led a worthless life. I've been unkind to my wife, I've neglected my children, but if you save me, I promise..."
The other shouted, "Hold it. I think I see land."
Judge:
Did you hear about the convicted felon who jumped up in court and said, "How do you like that? Twelve people out of 250 million find me guilty. And you call that justice. As God is my judge," he yelled out, "I'm not guilty."
The judge said, "He's not. I am. Six years!"
Lawyer:
The fence between heaven and hell fell down. Appearing at the broken section, Saint Peter called to Satan.
"Look, since you've got all the engineers on your side, why don't you get some of them to repair this fence?"
Satan said, "Are you kidding? My men are much too busy."
"I'll have to sue you."
"Think so? Where are you going to get a lawyer?" Satan asked.
Introduction:
A man at church was introducing a visiting evangelist who was known for his very long, very boring sermons. He said, "Friends, this is a man who needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion!"
Louder:
During a long, drawn-out, boring sermon, the pastor suffered many interruptions from a man in the balcony who kept yelling, "Louder! Louder!"
After about the fifth interruption, a gentleman in the first row stood up, looked back, and asked, "What's the matter, my friend, can't you hear?"
"No, I can't," came the answer from the balcony.
"Well, then, be thankful and shut up!"
Out-Talking:
America still has more marriages than divorces, proving that preachers can still out-talk lawyers.
Marriage:
Mary: "See that woman over there? She's been married four times--once to a millionaire, then to an actor, third to a minister, and last to an undertaker."
Mark: "I know! One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Matrimony:
A minister forgot the name of a couple he was going to marry, so he said from the pulpit, "Will those wishing to be united in holy matrimony please come forward after the service." After the service, 13 old maids came forward.
Stories:
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any acounts that might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
Coin Mother: "Quick, Marty, call the doctor. Matt just swallowed a coin."
Father: "I think we ought to send for the minister. He can get money out of anybody."
Nobody Likes Me A mother was trying to wake up her son one Sunday morning for church. "Come on, get out of bed son, you've got to go to church."
"I can't! The Sunday school teachers don't like me, everyone in the congregation is sick of me, the treasurer and secretary are out to get me, and the deacons want to get rid of me. I can't go to church!"
"But you have to go to church," countered his mother. "You are healthy, you have alot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the pastor."
Nothing To It First preacher: "I think a pastor needs to study diligently for his Sunday morning message."
Second preacher: "I disagree. Many times, I have no idea what I am going to preach about. But I go into the pulpit and preach and think nothing of it.
First preacher: "You are quite right in thinking nothing of it. Your deacons have told me they share your opinion.
Long-Winded:
Visitor: Your preacher is sure long-winded.
Member: He may be long... but never winded.
Sermon:
First Member: I thought the sermon was divine. It reminded me of the peace of God. It passed all understanding.
Second Member: It reminded me of the mercies of God. I thought it would endure forever.
Good Sermon:
Student: Does a good beginning and a good ending make a good sermon?
Professor: If they're close enough together.
The Three Petes:
Three brothers were sitting in a church pew during the Sunday morning service. Their names were Pete, Peter, and Repeat. Pete was the youngest, Peter was the middle child, and Repeat was the oldest. Now Pete was messing around and being rambunctious, Peter wasn't doing much but was still laughing, and Repeat was trying to be as mature as possible, keeping his two younger brothers under control. Suddenly, Pete fell off the pew, knocking Peter down with him. Who was the only one left sitting on the pew?
I Don't See It:
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy, "Tommy do you see the tree outside?"
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy, "Tommy, do you see the tree outside?"
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!
Hillary Clinton:
Hillary Clinton had died and was now at the Pearly Gates. She met Saint Peter and was talking with him when she noticed a clock sitting out in the open. She asked St. Peter what the clock was for and he said, "Oh, that? Each time a lie is told, the hands on the clock move. That one there is Mother Theresa's clock. See how its hands have never moved? And that one over there is Abraham Lincoln's. His clock's hands have only moved twice because he only told two lies his entire life."
Hillary was intrigued and decided to ask, "Where's Bill's clock?"
St. Peter immediately replied, "Oh, that one? Jesus has it in the other room. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Nuts Once, two boys had found a whole bunch of peanuts and they were going to go eat them. So they went up into a nearby graveyard and began to separate them. The boy sorting them out would give one nut to himself and one nut to the other boy. As he counted them out, a couple of nuts fell and rolled down by the cemetary gates. Over and over, he would say, "One for you and one for me; one for you and one for me..."
A few minutes later, along came another boy riding his bicycle. As he passed by the graveyard, he stopped and listened carefully as he heard a voice say "One for you and one for me; one for you and one for me..." He suddenly jumped out of skin and exclaimed quietly to himself in a frantic whisper, "It's the Lord and Satan dealing out souls!" He left his bike and ran as fast into town as his legs could carry him. In his fright, he didn't see a feeble old man and he ran right into him. The disgruntled old fellow got up and brushed himself off and reprimanded the hurried boy, enraged. "What's the big idea?!" demanded the old man.
"Come quick, mister!" said the frightened boy. "You must come to the graveyard!"
"Go away!" said the old man, "I don't have time for games!"
"No, you don't understand!"
"Shoo I said!"
"But the Lord and Satan are dealing out souls in the graveyard! You must come quick!"
They argued for a minute until the old man relented and decided to follow the boy and see what the deal was. The old man followed the boy down to the graveyard and as they approached the gate, they heard a voice saying, "One for you and one for me; one for you and one for me..." The old man trembled in fear as his suspicions were confirmed. The boy had been right.
"N-n-now do you believe me?" asked the boy.
The old man nodded slowly, and cautiously the pair approached the cemetary gate. Finally, the voice stopped and said, "All right. We're done separating them. Now let's go get those two nuts down by the gate and we'll be done."
And the old man beat the boy back to town.
You Can't Take It With You Once a very rich Christian man was visited by an angel who warned him that he was going to die in exactly one week. The man begged the angel of the Lord to let him take some of his possessions with him to heaven and the angel ended up giving in and said, "All right, here. I'll give you this golden suitcase. Whatever you put in it will go with you to the other side. Just have them bury the suitcase with you and when I come back for your soul, I'll make sure to get the suitcase too."
Elated, the man filled the suitcase with as much gold as he could fit in it. The day came exactly one week later when, at night, he died. The man opened his eyes and saw a bright kingdom before him with a shining palace bigger than anything he had ever seen. In front of the magnificent gate was St. Peter wearing a pearl white robe. The man looked down at his hand and saw that he was holding the suit case. Excited, he walked up to St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. St. Peter stopped him and said, "Excuse me, sir, but we can't let you take that suitcase in."
"But the angel of the Lord told me I could take this with me," said the man.
St. Peter checked with the angel who confirmed it and then St. Peter came back to the man and said, "Okay, sure thing, but first open it and let me see what you've got."
So with great pride, the man opened his suitcase showing off all of the sparkling gold.
"Oh, okay!" said St. Peter, "You've brought pavement!"
Money One day a 100 dollar bill and a one dollar bill were conversing. The 100 dollar bill was boasting, saying, "I love being a $100 bill, I get to go to all the best places, and buy all the best things! I've been on cruises, I have been in the wallets of celebrities, I get to go to the best restaraunts, to the best stores, and I get to buy the best clothing and the best things, life is wonderful!" The 100 dollar bill then asked the 1 dollar bill, "So how's life for you? Where have you been?" The one dollar bill sighed and muttered, "Church, church, church..."
1. Knock Knock; Who's There?; Holy; Holy Who? Holy cow that was a lame knock knock joke...
Q: What do a dead saint, a dead athiest, and a dead agnostic all have in common? A: They all know there is a God
Q: What's the difference between a six-winged and a two-winged angel? A: Four wings
Q: When you have 50 people, all of different opinions, what do you have? A: A Baptist Church (no offense to any Baptists, I'm a Baptist myself)
Q: What is "collection"? A: A church function in which many take but a passing interest.
Q: What is the most effective way to turn people's heads? A: Go to church late.
Riddle: What is greater than God, worse than the devil, poor people have it, rich people need it, and if you eat it you'll die?
Answer:Think About This: Do Calvinistic churches take up free will offerings?
Think About This: Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?
Think About This: Did Jonah ever eat sushi?
Think About This: Would Job have been able to take out a loan with his extensive history of tribulation?
Think About This: During Communion, can a Roman Catholic get drunk off of Christ's blood?
Think About This: Do Calvinists really have to pray the part that says: "God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven"?
Think About This: Can God bake a pizza that's so hot even He can't eat it?
Think About This: If, in Heaven, gold is used to pave the streets, will we use asphalt as money?
Think About This: What's winter like in Hell?
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