when did i lose my perspective? my mind seems to bruise irreparably, i'm defective but deny my defects, unable to shake the paranoid reflex which makes my thoughts run on always the same, with someone else to take the blame i'll remain immune to a life improved, It's Coming Soon! i sit unmoved. // my eyesight is failing, my senses leaving my head like rats fleeing a sinking ship, my world is black but full of things i can't understand, i kneel within to kiss the outstretched hand. // this isn't actually as easy as it looks, it wasn't exactly simple once you took all my advantages away, played me for a fool and sorely shook my faith in life and love until i slowly but surely lost my ability to cope with a mind like a frayed rope: going in all directions, and threatening to make my sanity roll over, play dead and break into a hundred pieces with a thousand destinations at a million miles per hour How could you leave me venting hurt and broken promises into the bowl, my hands gripping enamel, bloodless, my smile lying in pieces? // i wish i'd never came, lying in fear of this evil red flame, feeding on my heart, bleeding, pulsating in richness of blood, devouring everything, sickness fever-running, burning and leaving me untouched. Bastard! why won't you take me too!? // with this deceptive perfection, i am so far removed from what is proved to be a lie that i am moved to pronounce my mind soothed from truth but i'm not fooled // through all our looks my sinning is there but your beaming face makes foul action fair and while on my lips your kisses i find the beat of my heart keeps my conscience blind

i lay happily sickbedded trusting outdated medical advice not knowing i was wedded to calamity, and a dowry of such frightening price! birth was a revelation, nothing appears transient until it ends, now my desolation seems just as permanent unless i mend my broken bones anew. my body kept these mortal hurts from me so completely that i never knew 'til overcome with life, i stared unseeing into its eyes, heard the words, and coughed up my tongue. corpse's make-up dripping off my waxen cheeks, an elastoplast which cannot last as the weeks increase, all this and more has failed to make me survive. me dead, whom i thought to be alive! i'm stunned by the sugared friend who holds my hand as bone and sinew turn to sand and lightens my heart so encumbered since finding out my days are numbered, but i'm still dying to be loved by the one who the remembering of causes me to cough up my long-swallowed unfavoured tongue. // i surface again about half four-ish to the rising crescendo of tomorrow's dawn chorus with snapshots firing in my mind of sleeping bliss and legs entwined but recalling you are somewhere else the pictures i invent myself find a trigger amidst the mess, fire jealous bullets into my chest // i'd sort myself out if only i could. i'm never lonely because there you always are hammering nails into my heart asking if i'm okay & i watch someone else say the answers which i'm too tired to think of or realise are required // the lips meet, a moist conjugation a sussuration the rest of the world disappears behind passion- hungry fire, as someone else kisses my heart's desire

i was all set out to conquer the world. quietly, my downfall was much inferred, and it was me who stifled the youthful blusterings, i tell you, me who stifled my abundant happiness, me who closed off my only exit, me who drowned out the naughty words, me who cried wolf, me who crushed beneath my grimy traitorous boot the fledgling revolution before it could begin // two people occupy me, both on short-term tenancy, one in raptures, so besotted, happy with the fate i've been allotted of doting on a fickle heart, [the denial proving quite an art], the other steeped in nasty thoughts, Hating Love, convinced i ought to drink and drink until i spew, drown out all sounds which come from you but betraying my you you you obsession in sulks and youthful condescension, denying, as i vent my spleen the mes that i am torn between // i don't mind being a number, it's all one to me, i'm awfully forgetful when i find it in my heart to be so, don't regret at all the times i refused to let go but surrendered in the clinch, giving in to the touch, or the suggestion of a lilied thigh, and i don't recall why i hesitated, don't remember veiling myself in this wonderful lie // hold my head and place a kiss give me what I know I'll miss shroud me in your halo light let me hide, you know I might lose sight of you, lose my way home, have and hold me as your own pull me back pull me in, pull me up pull me back, pull me back or let go hold my head and take good aim, shoot through what can't stay the same cripple me and hurl me off stronger though my head is soft reject, decline, forget, move on, a treasure lost is a treasure won

no-one seems to want to see me fall from trees, my party trick found impolitic they in unison turn to one another to whisper amongst themselves like thieves. my antics having fallen flat, i, lying on my back, within where all the plebs are sat stare up between the pulsing leaves, an angel whom the sun receives // things are going rather well i've found my way can't you tell the sky was black, i couldn't see i didn't know which way to go but then i turned around and it was there right in front of me // falling slowly through the happy dawn, a face to mourn with, which i adorn with a heavy frown as way of apology for wiping down the verdigris-formed smile on our hearts' statue and holding out my love for you over a summer-tasting beery flame and pulling it out unchanged, the same, and drinking more to stay insane. // a shadow flies across the hills and darkness every valley fills i squint up to see where the sun has gone i hope it's just behind a cloud i guess the sunshine made me proud about myself at last, and this sudden eclipse hides my bounding pride in its shadow, the sun may never be coming back but i cannot comprehend that it could have come to an end, so i don't believe what i can't conceive of, and instead do the sundance with my bottle, on the off chance that my sun will come back out