i have eventually developed a very practical and pro-active [raincheck|result-driven|ballpark-figures] approach to my depression, as often results from thinking too much around one subject. all the reasons for my being depressed and all the selfish circular thoughts have been slowly disposed of until i am now just left with the certain knowledge that i am depressed and will always remain so. the interesting part of the shift for me is that although i still psych myself up to jump in front of passing cars when i'm feeling crap, i plan instead to wait until a point at which i'm feeling really buoyant and fond of everyone, and to do it then. i find the idea of departing in happiness really compelling, i must admit, like building myself a commemorative pyramid, to have people say 'but he seemed so happy'. the obvious problem is that i'm reluctant to end happiness - it seems such a waste after waiting so long for it. and i can't be truly happy when i do it, surely. despite my strict no-regrets policy i'd still be a little sad to be saying goodbye. but maybe the action itself would be compensatory - the build-up of adrenalin, the leap from wherever or in front of whatever, the orgasm of the collision...
