i surface slowly from a sleep that i wouldn't pigeon-hole under an epithet like 'blissful' or 'restless', because looking back on it, it was just a sleep really. like carefully merging traffic, i fall into step with the waking world, writing it into my dream bit by bit, until i cross the threshold and gently loose my hold on the dream, semi-conscious thoughts rising through my mind and bursting in little breaths of reality. Time, ridiculously expanded up to this point, contracts again suddenly, and in an instant i'm awake, guiltily casting around for the date and time, my dreams already lost, only to be recalled in frustrating glimpses in the following hours and days, answers barely formed and unreachable, bones with no flesh. my stereo has been on all night, and it seems angrily possessive compared to the sonorous silence i have emerged from. where is my remote? nettled by the aural intrusion i twist out of bed and grumble around the coldness of my room in a fruitless search for the thrice-cursed piece of plastic. i return to my cooling bed covers incensed, refusing to turn down the music by hand. the loss of the remote makes me feel strangely debilitated, like i've been stripped of the ability to walk. i sulk, and wonder if multivitamins would drastically improve my quality of life.
my own private swarm of flies escorts me down to the river, like a cartoon raincloud. i feel like the end of a fondu party, repressed and nauseous. the dust rises around my feet so that from a distance i must look like someone sliding out of focus, disappearing into the background of the summer's day. dusty track gives way to the grass of the riverbank, and i amble along, unable to recall why i came, happy to watch the sunlight shatter and re-form on the surface of the water. my restrictive feeling of self evaporates little by little with the sweat from my limbs, and is held a short way off by my light-headedness, the sun bleaching off layers of awareness like old varnish. the river is so calm, suspended from twisted old trees and drawn tight, poised and gently vibrating with the drone of a thousand insects, occasionally rippling as if plucked by an invisible hand. i come across a concrete pillbox overlooking the water meadows, and decide to lie in wait for someone, but sleep steals over me on the dirt floor. i awake to find the river black yet prism-like, sparks floating across it with every gust of wind. thinking i may be living in a movie, i strip off and pierce the surface with my toe, water moving aside to accommodate my legs. i wade in and float away on my back, eyes full of birds and clouds, vision framed by trees. a flashback to a dream snaps fleetingly across my mind and i try to hunt it down before the memory is lost again, but to no avail. i roll over and slip beneath the water, taking a perverse pleasure in baiting my feeling of vertigo provoked by the river's opacity. light filters down a little way, clothing me in cadaver's flesh. if i wanted i could swim downwards forever, and i would never reach the riverbed. i cease swimming, and the air in my lungs hauls me inexorably upwards like gravity. when i surface i don't recognise where i am. the current is deceptiveliy strong, and i am being swept under a bridge. i am powerless to halt my progress, but surrender control gladly, and turn to face downstream in anticipation of the secret little creeks, half-sunk forgotten boats, and wildly overgrown islands which are to come.
