these days i dream about living a life where my immediate concerns are for important things like food and water, where i can really prove to myself how stupid all this is. i don't want to worry about what everyone thinks of me. i want every day to be an absolute shitslog so that i can put my life into perspective, decide if depression really is an inherent character trait, or just something which my comfortable lifestyle allows me the luxury to indulge. i want to be riding freight trains in eastern europe, with the sheer physical and mental torment each fresh day reducing me to a sobbing wreck, but also that this harsh backdrop should then lend to the uplifting experiences - a sparkling mountain lake, a latvian sunrise - an overpowering beauty, and that i should find in these experiences, and the few friendships i make along the way, a strong defining happiness.
