...: JoKeS :...
THE WRONG BOTTLE
A woman was sitting in the doctor`s office when he came in and said, "Mrs.Jones, this isn`t a urine sample you brought in. It`s apple juice." "Oh my god" she said. "I`ve got to get to a phone." "Why?" asked the doctor. "I must have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."
CONFESS YOUR DIRTY SINS
Confess Your Dirty Sins
One day Father Peter is sick so Father Angelo assignes Father Bob to
take care of confession. But Father Bob has never done confession so
Father Angelo assures him that Father Peter has made up a book of all the
possble sins and what to prescribe for each sin. So Father Bob starts
confession and is actually doing alright until a young woman enters the
booth and says,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 2 years
since my last confession. And I stole some money from my mother's purse."
So father Bob looks up "Theft" in his book and say "Say 7 'Hail
Marys' and your since will be forgiven."
But then the girl says "Well I also gave my boyfriend a blow job."
So Father Bob looks up 'Blow job' in the book but it isn't there so
he asks the girl if she could be more specific.
So girl says "You know
Oral sex!"
But Father Bob can't find 'Oral Sex' either. So quickly he
pokes his head out of the confession booth and luckily there is a choir boy
passing by so he asks him,"Pssst.... What does Father Peter give for a blow
job?"
The choir boy responds,"Oh, a bag of chips and a bottle of coke."
CAN YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR ASS?
A Grandfather and his 8 year old grandson are sitting outside on the porch with a cooler filled with beer.
The Grandfather opens the cooler and takes out a beer. The grandson looks and asks,
"Grandfather, can I have a beer?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" says the grandfather.
"No" replies the Grandson.
"You're not man enough so you can't have a beer."
Few minutes later the Grandfather takes out a cigar and lights it.
"Can I have a cigar grandfather?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the Grandfather.
"No" replies the grandson.
You're not man enough so you can't have a cigar."
Depressed, the grandson goes into the house and comes back with a plate full of fresh baked cookies. The Grandfather looks at the cookies with awe and says,
"Can I have a cookie?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the grandson.
"Damn right it can!!!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself because grandmother made these just for me."
THE 2 DRUGGYS
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
THE GHOST
One night, this guy was talking with his homeboy on the phone. His friend says, "Hey man, meet me at the corner. We're fonna go casino tonight!"
"Oh really? Shoot, let me eat first," said the guy. And so he eats lots of stuff, like chicken, rice, noodles, beef, etc.
Now he's ready to go. So he goes to the corner and he's waiting for his homeboy to come. He wonders if his homeboy is around yet, so he turns to the right and at the corner of his eye he saw a ghost! He turned back and screamed. He ran all the way to his homeboy's house.
He came a pounding on the door and his homeboy opened up the door. "Ey man, where were you? You'll never guess what I saw! I saw a freaking ghost!" said the guy. Then he turned right again, to see if the ghost had been following him. He saw it again! "Ey man, it's right there! It's right there! Ahhhh!"
Then his homeboy laughed and said, "Fool, what ghost? But man, you got a peice of rice by your eye!"
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
CONFESS YOUR DIRTY SINS
Confess Your Dirty Sins
One day Father Peter is sick so Father Angelo assignes Father Bob to
take care of confession. But Father Bob has never done confession so
Father Angelo assures him that Father Peter has made up a book of all the
possble sins and what to prescribe for each sin. So Father Bob starts
confession and is actually doing alright until a young woman enters the
booth and says,"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 2 years
since my last confession. And I stole some money from my mother's purse."
So father Bob looks up "Theft" in his book and say "Say 7 'Hail
Marys' and your since will be forgiven."
But then the girl says "Well I also gave my boyfriend a blow job."
So Father Bob looks up 'Blow job' in the book but it isn't there so
he asks the girl if she could be more specific.
So girl says "You know
Oral sex!"
But Father Bob can't find 'Oral Sex' either. So quickly he
pokes his head out of the confession booth and luckily there is a choir boy
passing by so he asks him,"Pssst.... What does Father Peter give for a blow
job?"
The choir boy responds,"Oh, a bag of chips and a bottle of coke."
CAN YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR ASS?
A Grandfather and his 8 year old grandson are sitting outside on the porch with a cooler filled with beer.
The Grandfather opens the cooler and takes out a beer. The grandson looks and asks,
"Grandfather, can I have a beer?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" says the grandfather.
"No" replies the Grandson.
"You're not man enough so you can't have a beer."
Few minutes later the Grandfather takes out a cigar and lights it.
"Can I have a cigar grandfather?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the Grandfather.
"No" replies the grandson.
You're not man enough so you can't have a cigar."
Depressed, the grandson goes into the house and comes back with a plate full of fresh baked cookies. The Grandfather looks at the cookies with awe and says,
"Can I have a cookie?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the grandson.
"Damn right it can!!!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself because grandmother made these just for me."
THE 2 DRUGGYS
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
THE GHOST
One night, this guy was talking with his homeboy on the phone. His friend says, "Hey man, meet me at the corner. We're fonna go casino tonight!"
"Oh really? Shoot, let me eat first," said the guy. And so he eats lots of stuff, like chicken, rice, noodles, beef, etc.
Now he's ready to go. So he goes to the corner and he's waiting for his homeboy to come. He wonders if his homeboy is around yet, so he turns to the right and at the corner of his eye he saw a ghost! He turned back and screamed. He ran all the way to his homeboy's house.
He came a pounding on the door and his homeboy opened up the door. "Ey man, where were you? You'll never guess what I saw! I saw a freaking ghost!" said the guy. Then he turned right again, to see if the ghost had been following him. He saw it again! "Ey man, it's right there! It's right there! Ahhhh!"
Then his homeboy laughed and said, "Fool, what ghost? But man, you got a peice of rice by your eye!"
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
CAN YOUR DICK TOUCH YOUR ASS?
A Grandfather and his 8 year old grandson are sitting outside on the porch with a cooler filled with beer.
The Grandfather opens the cooler and takes out a beer. The grandson looks and asks,
"Grandfather, can I have a beer?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" says the grandfather.
"No" replies the Grandson.
"You're not man enough so you can't have a beer."
Few minutes later the Grandfather takes out a cigar and lights it.
"Can I have a cigar grandfather?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the Grandfather.
"No" replies the grandson.
You're not man enough so you can't have a cigar."
Depressed, the grandson goes into the house and comes back with a plate full of fresh baked cookies. The Grandfather looks at the cookies with awe and says,
"Can I have a cookie?"
"Can your dick touch your ass?" asks the grandson.
"Damn right it can!!!"
"Good, then go fuck yourself because grandmother made these just for me."
THE 2 DRUGGYS
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
THE GHOST
One night, this guy was talking with his homeboy on the phone. His friend says, "Hey man, meet me at the corner. We're fonna go casino tonight!"
"Oh really? Shoot, let me eat first," said the guy. And so he eats lots of stuff, like chicken, rice, noodles, beef, etc.
Now he's ready to go. So he goes to the corner and he's waiting for his homeboy to come. He wonders if his homeboy is around yet, so he turns to the right and at the corner of his eye he saw a ghost! He turned back and screamed. He ran all the way to his homeboy's house.
He came a pounding on the door and his homeboy opened up the door. "Ey man, where were you? You'll never guess what I saw! I saw a freaking ghost!" said the guy. Then he turned right again, to see if the ghost had been following him. He saw it again! "Ey man, it's right there! It's right there! Ahhhh!"
Then his homeboy laughed and said, "Fool, what ghost? But man, you got a peice of rice by your eye!"
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE 2 DRUGGYS
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''
THE GHOST
One night, this guy was talking with his homeboy on the phone. His friend says, "Hey man, meet me at the corner. We're fonna go casino tonight!"
"Oh really? Shoot, let me eat first," said the guy. And so he eats lots of stuff, like chicken, rice, noodles, beef, etc.
Now he's ready to go. So he goes to the corner and he's waiting for his homeboy to come. He wonders if his homeboy is around yet, so he turns to the right and at the corner of his eye he saw a ghost! He turned back and screamed. He ran all the way to his homeboy's house.
He came a pounding on the door and his homeboy opened up the door. "Ey man, where were you? You'll never guess what I saw! I saw a freaking ghost!" said the guy. Then he turned right again, to see if the ghost had been following him. He saw it again! "Ey man, it's right there! It's right there! Ahhhh!"
Then his homeboy laughed and said, "Fool, what ghost? But man, you got a peice of rice by your eye!"
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE GHOST
One night, this guy was talking with his homeboy on the phone. His friend says, "Hey man, meet me at the corner. We're fonna go casino tonight!"
"Oh really? Shoot, let me eat first," said the guy. And so he eats lots of stuff, like chicken, rice, noodles, beef, etc.
Now he's ready to go. So he goes to the corner and he's waiting for his homeboy to come. He wonders if his homeboy is around yet, so he turns to the right and at the corner of his eye he saw a ghost! He turned back and screamed. He ran all the way to his homeboy's house.
He came a pounding on the door and his homeboy opened up the door. "Ey man, where were you? You'll never guess what I saw! I saw a freaking ghost!" said the guy. Then he turned right again, to see if the ghost had been following him. He saw it again! "Ey man, it's right there! It's right there! Ahhhh!"
Then his homeboy laughed and said, "Fool, what ghost? But man, you got a peice of rice by your eye!"
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
COURTING
One day Jimmy went up to his mom and asked,"What is courting, Mom?"
His mom was surprised and didn't know what to say. So she told him,"Watch your sister and her boyfriend tonight."
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum."
"Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
The next morning Jimmy went up to his mom and told her,"Last night when Jessica came home with Nick. They sat on the couch and started to make-out. Nick tried to listen to Jessica's heart, but he wasn't that good on account he kept missing. He tore of her blouse and There where two big lumps in his way. He started to kiss it and a smaller lump got hard on each of the lumps. He pulled down her skirt and it was really dirty. He pulled of his pants and a great big snake jumped out. Jessica and the snake got into a fight and it smacked her face twice. Then she tried to bite it. After that she got on top of nick and started to go up and down. They did this for a few minutes then she said they had to stop but it was to late, they had both cum." "Is that what courting is Mom?"
THE LESBIAN
The dude is still bar hoppin and he lands in a lesbian bar. Now he is completely drunk and he is like a kid in a toy store. There were so many fine girls fo him to pick from. He finally found two girls. One in a red dress and one in a white dress. He walked up to the girl in the red and asked,"Do you want to dance?"
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
"Sure but it isn't going to get you any were."
"Why?"
I'm a lesbian."
Now the dude is drunk and the wordlesbian didn't click into his brain. "What is a lesbian?"
"Well, you see the girl in the white dress?"
"Yeah."
"Well I want to run over there and put my tongue down her throat. I want to carress her breast until her tits are hard and pop out. then I want to lick her all over and give an orgy."
Now when she looked back at the dude he is crying. She asked,"Why are you crying?"
W...w..well I'm a le...le....le...lesbian t....t....t..too."
HOW A MAN LOST HIS DICK ON A PLANE
A man traveling by plane and in urgent
need to use the mens room is nervously
tapping his foot on the floor of the
aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom
door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess,
aware of his predicament suggested that
he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of
the buttons inside. The buttons were
marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make
in disregarding the importance of what a
woman says, the man let his curiosity get
the best of him and decided to try the
buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button
marked "WW" and immedately warm water
sprayed all over his entire bottom.
He thought, "WOW, the women really have it
made!". Still curious, he pressed the
button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of
warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he
couldn't resist the last button marked
"ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he
panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What
happened to me?! The last thing I
remember is I was in the ladies room on a
business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes,
you were having a great time until you
pressed the "ATR" button which stands for
Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
THE NAUGHTY DENTIST
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tightens up. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's so gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; as pain surges throughout your body; you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
Hr looks concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel within your tender self. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiles warmly, telling you with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist, after all it was your first time too have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, naughty! What were you thinking, eh? PERVERT I know what you were thinking about!
THE SCARF
There's a guy with a small penius. He's mad about it being so small, so he goes to the doctor. "Doc, give me some pills or something to make my dick bigger." The doctor gives him some pills. He's to take them once a day. He tries it for a while and doesn't see any results. Angry, he went back to the docror and said,"These pills aren't working! Give me more, stronger ones!" The doctor gives him more pills. So he takes those once a day too. After a while he doesn't see any results. He gets so mad that he takes the rest of both bottles at once. Then it got big, just a little too big. He had to take his wife out to a football game that night. He ran to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor-- it's too big! I have to take my wife out to a football game tonight! What should I do?" The doctor told him to paint it and wear it as a scarf for the night. And so he did. During the game his wife got excited and kept grabbing on to his scarf. A little bit after that someone yelled out from the back, "Hey--who's throwing the yogurt?!?"
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE SILVER GRAVY LADLE
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE SPERM COUNT
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man
a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me
back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the
75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and
empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left,
but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and
still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her
mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked.
"You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
STIFF NECK = HARD DICK
one day a man visit his grandparents
when he got there
he saw his grandpa sitting on a porch
outside the frontdoor NOT wearing anything
from waist to bottom.
and so he asked why his not wearing anything
..his grandpa said ..ohh this is ur grandma's idea
cause the last time i sit here, not wearing a shirt i got a STIFF neck!!!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE TALKING PIG
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "He probably said 'Holy shit! A talking pig!'"
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
THE PUSSY EATING FROG
A man walked into a bar with a frog in his hand. He set it on the bar and ordered a beer. After a little while a lady approached and asked why do you have a frog. The man said that my frog has a gift. He eats pussy. The lady didn't believe him. So the guy said buy me a beer and then follow me upstairs. The lady complied. When they were in a bedroom the man said take off your pants and lay on the bed and spread your legs. The lady complied. The man then sat the frog in between her legs and said eat it Fred. The frog just sat there. The man repeated his request again and again the frog just sat there. Finally the man picked up the frog and said I am going to show you how to do this one more time.
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
I AM MY OWN GRANDPA
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!
I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so he became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!