• Where you used to be there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in daytime, and falling into at night.
  --Edna St. Vincent Millay

• No one will ever win the battle of the sexes: there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
  --Henry Kissinger

• If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.
  --Unknown

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.
  --Harry S. Truman

• Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them.
  --Herman Hesse

• Income Tax has made more liars out of the American people than Golf.
  --Will Rogers

• You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even when their happiness means that you aren't a part of it.
  --Unknown

• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
  -- Erica Jong

• If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
  --Stephen Levine

• Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
  I took the one less traveled by,
  And that has made all the difference.
  --Robert Frost, From: The Road Not Taken

• Shoot for the moon... 'cause even if you miss, you'll end up in the stars.
  --Les Brown

• A good friend bails you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying "that was fucking awesome"
  --Unknown

• Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow;
  Don't walk beside me, I may not lead;
  Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
  
  --Albert Camus

• Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble.

• Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

• Don't let your incompetence superceed your intelligence.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have a film.

• Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest.

• I doubt, therefore I might be.

• Nothing is foolproof to a suffeciently talented fool.

• The best proof of intelligent life in space is that they have never tried to contact us.

• The more you learn, the more you forget.

• There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that are not.

• Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity.

• I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

• Never underestimate the power of human stupidity!

• Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit.

• The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

• The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions.

• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

• To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad.

• Two types of people: Those who finish what they start and

• Do you believe in love at first sight, or should i walk by again?

• Make love not war - or marry and do both.

• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

• Girls say: 'Nice to meet boy in park.'
  Boys say: 'Nice to park meat in girl.'
  

• God created man with both a penis and a brain but unfortunately not enough blood to supply and run both at the same time.

• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

• Procrastination is like masturbation, it's all good until you realize you're just f*ck*ng your self.

• Beauty may only be skin deep but the skin is the body's heaviest organ

• Money can't buy happiness but it can buy healthcare

• Virtue is one thing that doesn't seem to become worth more when less is in circulation

• Looks might not matter in the long run, but without them you won't take a single step

• Stupidity's cause hasn't been advanced much by its many martyrs

• When one thinks about the past, one brings up many memories

• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday

• Daylight brings the end of night

• He who is oldest has been living longer than any other

• That which has happened, is in the past;

• That which is happening, is now;

• That which will happen is yet to be...

• The future is unknown until the present reveals it

• To gaze at a calendar is to know that one's days are numbered

• Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

• Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try.

• It doesn't matter if the cup is half full or half empty. Whatever's inside it is evaporating either way.

• In life's wallet, there's no compartment for change.

• Trust is like virginity. You lose it once and that's it.

• The red nose might get you through fog on Santa's sleigh, but the brown nose will get you everywhere.

• The toll is highest on the road less traveled.

• Ignorance has brought me much more happiness than knowledge.

• The people who bake the cake are usually not the same ones that eat it.

• The man who sleeps on the floor does not fall out of bed.

• Always treat thy neighbor as someone who lives next door.

• You only dislike the people that are not liked by you

• A cup half full has room for more.

• A fork in the road offers a choice.

• A lone man is in the company of none.

• For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.

ODD OXYMORONS

• Act naturally
• Advanced BASIC
• Airline Food
• Almost exactly
• Alone together
• American history
• Beaucractic efficiencies
• British fashion
• Bug Fix
• Business ethics
• Butt Head
• Childproof
• Clean coal
• Clearly misunderstood
• Common courtesy
• Computer security
• Criminal justice
• Diet ice cream
• Exxon cleanup
• Final version
• Foolproof instructions
• Freezer burn
• Fresh frozen
• Friendly fire
• Genuine imitation
• Golf fashion
• Good job
• Government organization
• Half full
• Half naked
• Holy war
• IBM compatible
• Job security
• Jumbo shrimp
• Living dead
• Loose tights
• Marriage councellor
• Microsoft Solution Provider
• Microsoft Works
• Military Intelligence
• Near miss
• New classic
• New York culture
• Nuclear safety
• Old news
• Original copy
• Passive aggression
• Peace force
• Plastic glasses
• Plastic silverware
• Political science
• Post Modern
• Postal service
• Private e-mail
• Professional wrestling
• Reagan memoirs
• Religious Right
• Religious tolerance
• Republican Party
• Resident alien
• Rush hour
• Same difference
• Service station
• Silent scream
• Small crowd
• Social security
• Soft rock
• Software documentation
• Soviet Union
• State workers
• Sweet sorrow
• Taped live
• Temporary tax increase
• Terribly pleased
• Tight slacks
• Truthful tabloids
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• White chocolate
• Word Perfect

FUNNY QUESTIONS

• A fly without wings... would it be called a walk?
• Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
• Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
• Do Quarter Horses have only one leg?
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
• Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
• How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
• How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings?
• How many babies can a motherboard have?
• How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
• If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
• If a train-station is where a train stops, so what is a workstation?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
• If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk?
• If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
• If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?
• Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
• Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
• Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
• Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
• Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What is the speed of dark?
• What's another word for synonym?
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When cows laugh really hard, does milk come out their nose?
• When you switch off the light, where do all the photons go?
• When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
• Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?
• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
• Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?
• Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name"?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
• Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adore?
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?