Great Jokes

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Jokes

Some good jokes...

An old gentleman and an old lady have a conversation. They talk about the good old times and he asks her: "Excuse me, did you ever blush?"
"Oh yes, she says, "and that four times. The first time when I undressed in front of my husband. The second time when I undressed in front of my lover. The third time when I took money for it. And the fourth time when I paid someone for it. And you?"
The man is silent for a moment and then says: "I blushed twice. The first time when I couldn't do it the second time. And the second time when I couldn't do it the first time."

A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.

The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, 22" "22" "22".

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4 year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know this midget with a speech impedement who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes

"Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

What is worse than a pair of silicon tits?

A tupperware box!

Zoon van een amerikaanse boer mag voor het eerst alleen naar het dorp om boodschappen te doen.
Het is een halve dag rijden, dus zijn vader verteld hem op te schieten en niet te blijven hangen. En niet met vrouwen te praten. Hij waarschuwd hem alsnog. Vrouwen zijn gevaarlijk, zoon!
In het dorpje gaat hij naar de supermarkt. Daar staat een mooi meisje naast de deur. Zij groet hem, en hij groet beleefd terug. Als hij weer uit de winkel komt, staat ze er nog steeds, en spreekt hem aan. 'Je ziet er uit als een handige jongen. Ik heb een kastje dat aan de muur gehangen moet worden. Kan je mij daarbij helpen?'
Hij is netjes opgevoed, en zegt; 'Jawel mevrouw, maar ik heb weinig tijd'. 'Vijf minuutjes, meer niet', zegt het meisje.
Hij loopt met haar mee de trap op naar haar kamer. Binnen gekomen doet ze de deur op slot. 'Waarom doet U de deur op slot', vraagt de verbaasde, en enigszins bezorgde vent.
'Ik wil even met je kletsen', zegt het meisje. 'Maar ik mag niet met vrouwen praten, van mijn vader', zegt de geschrokken jongen. 'Waarom niet?', zegt het meisje.
'Mijn vader zegt dat vrouwen gevaarlijk zijn', zegt de vent. "Gevaarlijk?' roept het meisje, 'Je vader liegt! ' 'Mijn vader liegt nooit!, schreeuwt de jongen. 'Maar wat zegt je vader dan over vrouwen?' 'Vrouwen hebben tanden daar', zegt hij, terwijl hij naar haar kruis wijst. "onzin', zegt het meisje, 'Je vader is een regelrechte leugenaar'. "Mijn vader is geen leugenaar!' , 'Als hij zegt dat vrouwen tanden daar hebben, dan is dat zo!' 'Nee hoor, kijk maar', en het meisje gaat op haar bed zitten, trekt haar rok omhoog, en spreid haar benen.
'Zie jij tanden zitten?', vraagt ze. De jongen kijkt aandachtig tussen haar benen, en zegt; 'Als ik zulk tandvlees zou hebben, zou ik ook geen tanden meer hebben....'

.A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to her lover,'into the closet!' She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone.'
'What are you doing in there?'
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths.'
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b**tards!'

The shy young bride is really upset when she learns that her husband has been married twice before. Through her tears, she asks him what has become of his two previous wives. "I may as well tell you," says her husband. "My first wife died from eating poisonous mushrooms." "And your second wife?" she cries. "She died of a fractured skull," the man answers. "It was her own fault, she wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

On her wedding night, Tessa, the anxious bride, turns to her husband. "Charles," she says, "promise me you will be gentle. I want you to know that this is my first time." "What?" exclaims Charles, "your first time? But you have already been married three times!" "I know," replies Tessa, "but my first husband was a drunk, the second turned out to be gay, and my third husband was in advertising." "I can understand the first two," says Charles, "but why didn't your third husband ever make love to you?" "Well," replies Tessa, "All he ever did was sit on the bed and tell me how great it was going to be!"

An airplane passenger being served drinks by the stewardess exclaims, "Hey, here is something new - an ice cube with a hole in it!" "What is new about that?" asks Mendel Kravitz, sitting next to him. "I married one."

Ernie is talking to Ronnie, the little boy from next door. "How old are you?" asks Ernie. "I don't know," replies little Ronnie. "Do woman bother you?" asks Ernie. "No," says Ronnie. "Okay," says Ernie knowlingly. "Then you are four."

The first grade class gathers around their teacher, Miss Goodbody, for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture she holds up is a cat. "Okay, boys and girls," she says brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?" "I know! I know! It is a cat." Yells little Albert. "Very good, Albert," says Miss Goodbody. "Now who knows what this animal is called?" "That's a dog," pipes up little Suzie. "Right again. And what about this animal?" she asks, holding up a picture of a deer. Silence falls over the class. After a minute or two Miss Goodbody says, "I will give you a hint, children, listen. It is something that your mother calls your father around the house." "I know! I know!" screams little Ernie. "It is a horny bastard!"

One day, Jesus wakes up in a bad mood. He is feeling depressed and lethargic. In fact, a typical Monday-morning feeling. He wanders around heaven looking for someone to cheer him up and finally arrives at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is interviewing the new arrivals. Suddenly he sees an old man with a long white beard whose face looks familiar. He goes up to him. "Excuse me sir," says Jesus, "but your face seems familiar. I am sure we have met. What did you do on earth?" The old man smiles. "As a matter of fact," he says, "I am a carpenter and lived a full and happy life until my son left home and became world famous. I never saw him again." Jesus looks at him with astonishment and says with delight, "Dad!" The old man opens his eyes wide and rushes forward with outstretched arms, crying, "Pinocchio!"

A little priest, a minister and a rabbi get together and talk about the issue of "When life begins." The priest opens by saying, "I think that life begins at the precise moment the sperm fertilizes the egg." The minister says, "Well, I think life begins at the moment the baby draws it first breath." Then they both look at the rabbi, who says, "Well, I think life begins when the dog has died and the children have moved out of the house."

There is to be a christening party for Paddy and Maureen's new baby, but before the ceremony the priest takes Paddy aside and asks, "Are you prepared for this solemn event?" "I think so," replies the nervous Paddy. "I've got cheese rolls, salad and cake." "No, no," interrupts the priest, "I mean spiritually prepared?" "Well, I don't know," says Paddy thoughtfully. "Do you think two cases of whiskey are enough?"

Buster Chubbs dies and goes to hell. The receptionist asks, "Where do you want to go?" "Do I have a choice?" asks the surprised Buster. "Certainly!" says the receptionist. "This anteroom is surrounded by closed doors. Just listen at each one and decide which you want to enter." Buster listens at the first door and hears horrible shrieks of agony. He goes to the second, then the third - always hearing screams, cries and yells. Finally, at the seventh door, he hears nothing but gentle murmuring. He says quickly, "I'll take this one." The door is flung open and he is propelled inside. Buster finds himself up to his lower lip in a vast sea of shit. With him are millions of others, standing on tiptoe, muttering, "Don't make waves! Don't make waves!"

Kowalski goes to stay in a big hotel in Los Angeles for the first time. 'I am not going to have this room,' Kowalski complains to the bell-boy. 'It is so small I can hardly move in it. It is no better than a pigsty, and I am not going to sleep on that tiny folding bed. Just because I am a Polack, don't think you can fool me!'
'Please, get in, sir,' says the bell-boy. 'This is the elevator!'