the bathroom diaries...
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm so confused. maybe i get like this when that time of the month rolls around or maybe i've just got this inner psychotic voice in my head. either way, i'm not liking it too much. i feel so sad lately. i really miss my family. i don't know what to do sometimes and i think my brain works into overdrive, possibly. i mean...i'm not working...i sit around the house, clean...laundry...but when i run out of things to do, i can't find anything else to do. my words have suddenly run dry, i have no inspiration to write. i just feel like i've hit this bump or maybe i've hit a dead end on this road. inside, it feels completely empty. i just need this kind of attention i can't describe. the attention from him...just a look my way...a look of love...and acceptance and happiness...a little reassurance that he wants me...that i'm not becoming some kind of burden on him...20 year young burden. i'm so obsessed with my own emotions and if i can't explain it correctly, whether it's to somebody or just basically doing what i'm doing right now, i get so frustrated with these emotions bottled inside. i hate that feeling. it gives me this sensation that something really heavy is sitting on my chest. now i'm not sure why i get these feelings...maybe it just hurts to be away from my family...maybe i miss them. i told him last night while we were lying in bed...that i guess i was looking for the attention i'm used to getting...all in him and one person can't fulfill what i used to receive from my entire family and it must be a little selfish of me to think that he's a superman and he can do all these little things i've been demanding. i mean, i don't want to become a nag. i'm not a nag. i'm used to living my own life...i'm used to living everything my way...getting my way all the time...getting the attention i need...and it's not the typical kind of attention everyone thinks of. it's just the simple thought of knowing...without a doubt that you're loved. maybe i doubt that he'll always love me...or that he'll always be there for me. maybe if i separate myself from him...disattach sort of...maybe it'll be for the best. i'm not saying i'm gonna leave him. *god* knows where i'd be without him. i'd work out the nastiest of fights if i had to only if i had to do it with him. did that make any sense...? i'm not too sure, but it did to me and these are my secrets...and that's what matters most.