a tainted future, i'd say...
so i started working on friday...and with my job, i bounce from one preschool to another, never settling down at one, which is cool...i get to meet different peeps everyday...but i guess i'd never have that "comfort zone" because i'd always be subbing until i become a teacher and work exclusively at one day care center...anyways...friday was the first day and i totally fell in love with a one year old named aiden...how precious is that name anyways! well he was so adorable...he reminded me of my older brother when he was a little one... and well...this school wasn't that great, not too much what i expected...but today i went to work in poway and the preschool i went to there was beautiful! the kids were great...they were like, 4-5 years old...somewhere like that and they were totally wonderful except one...in which i won't name...sparing the embarassment - shall anyone who might know who i'm talking about come across to read it...well i couldn't get these kids to take a nap! i was so confused...i kept trying to be stern and it was so difficult... but anyways, i was like whatever...i'll be back tomorrow...i love this job so far...

what is that smell...?
i think the kitties just tooted...i have to go with him to the bank & make my deposit and then buy something to smoke...

lost
he felt a little sick after we woke up from our 3 hour nap. i went to the store to get him some medicine. i guess he's allowed to be grouchy cause he doesn't feel good. i'll excuse it. i love him to the stars and back. i'm a little hungry today. i had 2 slices ...about the size of my palm...of cheese quesadillas and i had like 5 pistachios earlier this morning. i'm a little hungry. i think i'm gonna cook me some rice and cook some stir fry steak w/ it. mmmm.... i've been craving for milk lately. i got me some though. we're broke and i'm thinking we might starve to death...

i miss him
he went to work and i'm totally lonely here... the air conditioner is broken and it's steaming in this apartment. i woke up pretty late... i'm about to sit in the shower and take a nap in there. i've been lazy since i'm not working. i need to call the hospital to schedule another appointment to get me some birth control pills. do you know what the pill is?

dirty laundry
we finished like maybe 8 loads of laundry today. it wasn't too bad. i had some KFC...it was so yum, man. right now, he's watching dave chappelle. i'm a little freaked out because when i was bringing the laundry in early this evening...i was coming around the corner alone...with a shopping cart i found outside so it wouldn't be so heavy [i could take it in the elevator in a shorter trip ::giggles::] since i'm so lazy... and this hand pokes out the elevator and asks..."need some help, michelle? need some help?" and i was like, "oh no thanks, i'm good..." and i didn't realize that someone said my name...kinda scary. i don't know anyone here in SD yet...not even here in my apartment complex. what if someone's spying on me? nah... not me... anyways, i'm gonna go fold the rest of the laundry that didn't even get washed...cheap detergent.

drowning
i dreamt last night that hendrix and stitch were at the bottom of my swimming pool back home in lemoore. the water was clear and everytime i took them out, they just got back in like they didn't care that they kept sinking to the bottom. i remember feeling really scared that they were going to drown and die...and it hurt so much. maybe like a mother feels when she gets bad thoughts about her children. it might have felt that way. it was weird because eventually, they weren't kittens anymore, but they were. make any sense? they were little figures at the bottom of the pool... sinking little figures. well, i looked up what drowning means... and it's not very good but it wasn't me who was drowning so i couldn't really apply that meaning to myself so i looked up "water" and i guess that clear water signifies prosperity and pleasure...sweet.

obssession...
i'm obsessed with notebooks. whenever i go to the store and see notebooks, i always end up buying at least one. for some reason, i have all these inner thoughts running through my mind...and i feel like i'm writing them all down...and it's like i'm running out of room to write them down in, when truly...in reality...my notebooks are never quite finished. i've got so many diaries...notebooks...and dream diaries...all of them with blank pages towards the end. i guess that's what a gemini does. she starts new projects, new things and never really finishes them til the timing's right. lately though, i feel like i have nothing to write. i feel like my thoughts are pretty raw and it's so difficult to throw those thoughts out on paper.

the bathroom diaries...
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm so confused. maybe i get like this when that time of the month rolls around or maybe i've just got this inner psychotic voice in my head. either way, i'm not liking it too much. i feel so sad lately. i really miss my family. i don't know what to do sometimes and i think my brain works into overdrive, possibly. i mean...i'm not working...i sit around the house, clean...laundry...but when i run out of things to do, i can't find anything else to do. my words have suddenly run dry, i have no inspiration to write. i just feel like i've hit this bump or maybe i've hit a dead end on this road. inside, it feels completely empty. i just need this kind of attention i can't describe. the attention from him...just a look my way...a look of love...and acceptance and happiness...a little reassurance that he wants me...that i'm not becoming some kind of burden on him...20 year young burden. i'm so obsessed with my own emotions and if i can't explain it correctly, whether it's to somebody or just basically doing what i'm doing right now, i get so frustrated with these emotions bottled inside. i hate that feeling. it gives me this sensation that something really heavy is sitting on my chest. now i'm not sure why i get these feelings...maybe it just hurts to be away from my family...maybe i miss them. i told him last night while we were lying in bed...that i guess i was looking for the attention i'm used to getting...all in him and one person can't fulfill what i used to receive from my entire family and it must be a little selfish of me to think that he's a superman and he can do all these little things i've been demanding. i mean, i don't want to become a nag. i'm not a nag. i'm used to living my own life...i'm used to living everything my way...getting my way all the time...getting the attention i need...and it's not the typical kind of attention everyone thinks of. it's just the simple thought of knowing...without a doubt that you're loved. maybe i doubt that he'll always love me...or that he'll always be there for me. maybe if i separate myself from him...disattach sort of...maybe it'll be for the best. i'm not saying i'm gonna leave him. *god* knows where i'd be without him. i'd work out the nastiest of fights if i had to only if i had to do it with him. did that make any sense...? i'm not too sure, but it did to me and these are my secrets...and that's what matters most.