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Hilarious Quotes






They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass.

Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.

When God made man, she was only joking.

I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

God must love stupid people- he made so many!

I like children. Properly cooked.

Mirrors can't talk. And lucky for you they can't laugh.

I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!

Adults are just kids with money.

TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Keep honking! I'm reloading!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Be nice to your kids, they'll chose your nursing home.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Men are idiots and I married their king.

You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there's another man looking at her butt.

I see dumb people.

Follow your dreams... except the one when you're at school in your underwear.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.

The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.

Who died and made you Darth Vader?

Too many freaks, not enough circus's!

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!

I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.

Don't judge a book by its movie.

Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.

My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.

If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.

Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.

Boys will be boys ... so will a lot of middle aged men.

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

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