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A Princesses Blog
Saturday, 30 October 2004
No comment
Mood:  don't ask
I got a 52% on my social psychology exam. I'm so stupid it's unreal. I should just drop out. I dont know why I'm even in university in the first place. I dont know anything and I seem to be incapable of learning. I go to all the classes, I read the chapters but what do I get? A 52! That wont get me anywhere. I'm so fucking stupid it's unbelieveable. I feel just like I did in March. Worthless, stupid and depressed. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I'll come out when I'm smarter.....that means I'll be there forever.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 5:59 PM EDT
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Thursday, 28 October 2004
Bad day
Mood:  don't ask
I'm having a shitty day. I've been having alot of those lately. There are so many things I need to vent about but I dont want to burden anyone with my petty problems when there are people out there that have it so much worse than I do.

I failed my geography midterm. Go me! I'm such a fuck up. This was a first year geography exam and i didnt even pass.....wait i didnt even come close. Oh I'm a moron. I thought the exam was tough when I wrote it but I didnt think I failed. I'm such a fuck up. I cant do anything right. There goes teachers college. Atleast I didnt fail a psyc exam.....that would have been worse, but I've probably just jinxed myself by saying this. We'll see what happens. Maybe I have some kinda learning thing.

I wish I had friends. Someone I could call to vent but I guess everyone is too good for me now or something. I dont know why they do this to me. I guess I can't really call them friends because at the time I really needed them they werent there for me. I tried calling them but whatever, tehy didnt seem to care. I guess it's the same now. Oh well, I can function alone. Maybe they'll come around.

I just want to curl up in bed and go to sleep....but it's only 8:50. Atleast I have tomorrow off. I have to go into the library for a bit though. I have to find journal articles for my canadian studies paper. I need to get a good mark on it seeing that I'm a dunce. I think that's what I'll be for Halloween. I'll make a nice dunce cap and call it a day.

I'm going to go find some cookies. I'm hungry.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 8:52 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 26 October 2004
Self handicapping and insecure
Mood:  a-ok
That's me and my psychological problems. LOL. Ohhh social psyc, it's like Dr.Phil in a class. I've learned that self handicapping is something i do all the time as a way to protect my butt from the searing pain of failure. And the insecure part---I've always had that, no diagnosis needed.

I think school makes me more insecure, which is kinda hard to believe. I see all these girls who are prettier than I am(Or I believe they are). THis one girl in my psyc class is the like the definition of perfect plastic girl. I'm not jealous really, it just kinda pisses me off. Today she came in with her Louis Vuitton purse and took out her Louis Vuitton wallet. Arrggg, possessions really dont mean that much but I (heart)Louis Vuitton. And she;s always perfect looking. Whatever. Whatever! I wish I could be perfect all the time, but that's not realistic. I dont know why I'm so insecure. When I look at it I dont think I have anything to be insecure about really. I'm moderately good looking(that took alot to say) and have legs that are like 500 ft long, and I think I have good teeth. But sometimes I cant help but feel insignificant. Oh well, that's just me.
Sometimes I worry about Paul finding someone better looking than me. I Know I shouldnt, and it's totally crazy for me to think that, but I've been told things like that before, so I can't help but worry. I'm such a silly girl.

I met with Paul today, but only for an hour. He's sooo busy with school, but he's sooooo smart. He makes me sooo happy and I must look like a total loser because everytime I'm with him I'm smiling. ahh I love him so much. Imade supper for him this weekend when my parents were out of town. I love cooking for him. I've never done that for anyone before and I've never been compelled to. I like doing things like that for him. I'm learning to cook too, so I can be better at it for him, and for me I guess.

I haven't written in this thing for a long time. I'm going to try to update it more often. Anywya I should go. Sex and the City is on and I want some cookies.



Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 9:47 PM EDT
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Friday, 8 October 2004
Can't think of a good title so......yeah
Mood:  chillin'
I'm so bored i think I could cry. The highlight of my day was going shopping and watching Mean Girls with the 8 year old down the street. Pretty sad. I wasn't watching the movie by my own free will ( well maybe just a little bit), I had to baby sit for a little bit so we started watching the movie. It was cute, I've seen it before and liked it even though Lindsay Lohan is in it and I loath her and her fabulously fake boobs. Even Becca said her boobs were "humongous" and she's little. Anyway, it was fun I guess.

I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow with Steph, Kristina and Andrea tomorrow night. i really want to go but they want to take a cab and I have NO money. I have money but 20$ is cutting it a little close. I havent spent any of my money since like August. I still have to buy two books which will bring me to having like a negative balance in my checking or something. That's really sad, but it's reality I guess. I should get a job, but I have no time. i have to start volunteering and do school work...I don't know what to do. The whole thought of running out of money depresses me. Whatever...WHATEVER.

Paul's gone again this weekend. I miss him and he;s only been gone for one day! I'm such a suck! I hope he has a good Thanksgiving with his family. I miss him. I don't know how I'm going to survive for another 5 days!

We had our sixth month on Tuesday. It was so perfect. He came over to my house to get me for dinner and he brought me 12 pink roses!!! They are beautiful...I'm looking at them right now. They are soooo pretty! I dont know what I did to deserve a boyfriend like him! He's everything to me. Anyway, we went out for dinner at the Empire Grill. It was really nice, but then again we could eat at McDonalds and it would still be perfect. Oh my god I'm a mush ball. I'm becoming one of those people that I used to hate...so happy that they could make you barf. whatever, I deserve it. I love him so much!I dont think I could ever tell him enough, or find a way to show it. He says such sweet things to me, and makes me cry in the best way. I love him so much! I can;t wait for many more anniversaries.

The presidential debate is driving me insane! I can't even watch 20/20! This thing has been on for like an hour and a half already.Whatever. I got two new books from the library so I'll go read for a while before i go to bed. My eyes are getting sleepy so I'm gonna cut the computer and read.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 10:02 PM EDT
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Friday, 24 September 2004
So Lonely...I need a hug
Mood:  blue
I was so alone all day today. I was the only one in my house from 3:30 until 9. It really sucked. I was so lonely and I had nothing to do. I'm going to have to go out tomorrow and buy a book or something, or maybe do school work, because today was just stupid.

I dropped my mom off at the airport at 2 so she could go meet my dad in Victoria. I don't like when they leave me to be the mom. I really can't handle it. I may joke about how I think I'm a good mother and stuff, but really I'm crappy. I know for nine days I wont get any sleep, I wont eat and I'll end up getting sick from exhaustion by the end of these 9 days. That's just how it goes. I dont think I can ever live alone because I'll just waste away with bordem. Everything always works out fine and stuff, but I just get so bored. I get so bored that I clean! If you could see the constant state of my room, or any room that I happen to be in, you'll get the humour in that statement.

Paul left today for Guelph. i was supposed to go with him and his friends, but I got stuck being the mom. I knew that my parents wouldnt' feel comfortable with me leaving my brother and sister to fend for themselves for the weekend. i was never left alone at my brother's age, so I see where they are coming from. I'd feel guilty for leaving them here alone as well. I really want to be there with him now. I miss him so much and he hasn't even been there for a day. Maybe it's the combination of everyone being away and not being able to talk to Paul that has made me so sad. I miss him so much it's crazy. I can't wait to see him again so i can give him a big hug and many kisses. Ahh I'm gonna get mushy so I'll stop.

I blocked my cousin and other random people who've been looking at my other site. I should have done it a long time ago, but I was still holding out to see if they would fess up and post a comment as to who they are. I guess they were scared or whatever and they never did it, so I blocked them. I really dont want them reading some of the worst times I've ever felt, seeing that they hardly know me, and make no effort to. If they really wanted to know how I was they'd call, email or talk to me on msn, but they dont. They dont deserve to know about me. I know that is harsh to say about your own family, but they dont reach out to us ever, for anything. I think it's unfair that we are frozen out because we live in Ottawa and dont go to Kitchener for every Christmas eve like they do, that's just not possible for us, plus I like my Christmases in my house. Regardless, they cant' read about me anymore, and if they find a way to weasle back in I'll block them again.

Jason is having another one of his parties tomorrow night. I might go, but I dont think I will. I really dont want to see everyone from high school. Personally, i didnt care for any of them except for my close friends. I don't want to go there and pretend that I care about what they are doing and listen to their pointless and air-headed stories. I can talk to myself if I want to talk to a blonde thank you very much. I'll go if Anna and Steph go, strength in numbers against the Katies and Hailey...uhhh i dispise them. If Steph doesn't call me back to do something tomorrow night then I guess I'll go....maybe. I wouldnt stay for very long anyway, the cops usually come and bust them up and I'm not really into all that stuff. We'll see.

Anyway I think I'll go to bed or something. Sleep makes the time pass quicker and I dont have to think about stuff. I hope this week being a mother goes well and I dont mess up. I dont think I'll ever have children, but then again I dont want to be alone so maybe...who knows.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 10:59 PM EDT
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Thursday, 9 September 2004
The summer is officially over:(
Mood:  blue
I started back at school today, that means that the most wonderful summer that I've ever had is over. It sucks. I've never had a summer like this one and I hope I can have many many more. I'd like to list all the things that have happened, but I'd need pages and pages. It has been so much fun, and hopefully the school year will be fun too, minus learning and stuff.

I haven't written in here in a while. I mostly post stuff on my other journal, but I think I'll start using this one more because people are reading the other one and I really dont care for them to know what I'm up to all the time.

I had my first psyc class today. Candace and another girl from my FYS whose name I cant remember is in that class with me, so I'll have someone to talk to. Hopefully there wont be alot of math in this class, seeing as how math is the reason I was in ESP to begin with. It's all good though, I'm going to try really hard this year so I have a really good average and I don't disappoint anyone. I won't miss as much school as I did last year seeing as I'm not all depressed and stuff. I really had no motivation to go to school and learn because Allan always told me I wouldnt amount to anything. It's all good.

I got soaked at school today. It's raining like crazy outside and it hasnt stopped. My basement walls are starting to leak! Crazy.

I think I'm going to go clean my room or something. Oh the joy! Maybe I should get a head start and read some psyc.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 3:08 PM EDT
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Thursday, 26 August 2004
Oh Happy birthday you 19 year old mother!
Mood:  irritated
Ahhhh! My cousin is all in a tizzy because no one is celebrating her birthday. If she was a normal child, that would be a tragedy but she;s a different case. She's knocked up, by her own choice at the age of 19. No job, a loser bf, no money, no education and she's insane. I'm sure for well adjusted 19 year olds this wouldnt be such a problem but she is actually crazy and she totally takes advantage and manipulates anyone she comes across. She can play the victim like the best of them. Anyway, she expected people to be in total jubilation about her 19th birthday. She is all depressed now because no one has done anything. Sure, her parents lavished her with expensive gifts and oh yeah, rented her an apartment, but I guess that isnt good enough. WHATEVER! This whole situation ticks me off (hence the rant). It seems that whatever Meaghan wants Meaghan gets. All she has to do is a) get pregnant b) yell or c) threaten to kill herself and she gets things thrown at her. I wish I had that power but I'm in now insane and would never do that to anyone....ever. So I just sit here being the obedient daughter who doesnt do drugs, smoke or get pregnant on a yearly basis and I get....well not nothing, but I dont get nearly what she gets. In conclusion my cousin pisses me off. WHATEVER! WHATEVER. Atleast I can go to sleep at night knowing that I'm not crazy.

SO that was my rant. It's been a while since I've written in here. I dont work anymore so I cant use this to waste time and avoid doing actual work. Not much has happened really. Just the usual. Cottaging and being bored. My teeth have hurt me alot recently. I kinda want to get them out, but am still terrified at the thought of getting them removed.

My aunt just called and said " You cant help but feel sorry for Meaghan." I want to scream! How can you feel sorry for someone that has completely ruined your life?!?!?!?!? COME ON! Did my family just fall off the turnip truck? She is seeing everything through rose coloured glasses. She needs to wake up and realize that in 5 months she is going to have the screaming and messed up spawn of her wayward child sucking the life out of her, while her daughter enjoys and all expenses paid trip to Europe. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

I'm annoyed now. I guess it's good that I have this blog to unleash my somewhat of a fury. I wouldnt want to yell at anyone that I know about my petty problems. People are going through way worse things than their cousins getting pregnant and messing up their family. I shouldnt be complaining, but whatever. I'm gonna go read, or sleep or cry or something.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 8:34 PM EDT
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Sunday, 15 August 2004
Oh my God!
Oh my god! I came home from Pauls cottage tonight and I went into my room and my parents had completely redone it. I was, and still am in shock. It is exactly how I wanted it and never dreamed that it would ever look like this. They did it to surprise me for my bday which is in two weeks. It is soooooo nice and I totally didnt expect that theyt would do this for me. It's a camely-taupe colour with all chocolate brown and white stuff. it's beautiful! I dont think I could ever thank them enough. I love it! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!! Wow. I'm sitting here now and I cant believe this is my room. It looks like it should be in a magazine or soemthing. UNREAL.

Anyway, I'm totally over-stimulated right now so I dont think I'll be going to sleep anytime soon. I spent the weekend at Paul's cottage. it was so nice. I love every second I spend there with him, whether we are doing something or just sitting back and talking on the swing. I never want this summer to end, but I know that it will soon. I'll just keep thinking about the days that I've had and that will keep me going all through the year and until the summer starts again. I feel the need to get extremely mushy, because of the crazy shock that I'm going through right now, but I'll stop. I dont want whoever happens upon this blog to think I'm a head case or something. I just hope that nothing comes to rain on my sunny day, as it usually seems to whenever I'm happy.

I have to register for classes tomorrow, so I should probably go look at some classes so I'm not scrambling tomorrow.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 10:31 PM EDT
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Friday, 13 August 2004
Weird
I just put some words into Google and my blog came up as one of the options. How weird is that?

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 2:56 PM EDT
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I'm fired today:)
I never thought I'd be happy to say that, or that anyone would throw me a party for my impending unemployment. I'm happy to be not working, btu I still kinda want to. it would give me soemthing to do during the day other than sleep. Oh well. I think a two week break before school starts will be a good thing, maybe I'll get a part time job during school, I'll see how bad I need the money before I rush out and make myself too busy. I'd like to not have a job, so i can concentrate on school. I'm tired of being mediocre, I'd like to be good at something. Meh.

I hope they get good pizza for my party. I like pizza.

So, I'm gonna go sit with my dad or something. I'm so leaving early today.....I wonder why I even came in. I got paid, so I dont owe anybody anything.

Posted by stars5/diamonddreams at 11:54 AM EDT
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