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As Much As Air By D. E. De Leon
Alex had left a seven year relationship, and traveled half way
across the country to start a new life. I traveled to LA and broke
up with my abusive boyfriend, desperately searching for a path to
self recovery. He came from Ohio. I was a product of Texas. But,
it was more than a simple chance encounter that we met in California.
The beginnings of our relationship were rocky. You see, we met
we promised ourselves some time alone, time to figure things out.
For a minute Alex and I relied on the familiarity of fear and doubt,
supplied by our previous relationships, and carried it over to our
present. We were both jaded by our ex lovers and were afraid to
be let down again. While he was away visiting his family in Ohio,
looking for closure in his former life, I cheated on him. I cheated
on him several times. Sex felt like a safe refuge from my uncertainties,
but sex only added to my confusion. I was desperate. More stupid
than desperate. But, desperate nonetheless. And, I lived and walked
among my own personal demons and secrets, in the dark.
But, Alex had a secret, too. While on his trip away, he had slept
with his ex of seven years. Closure indeed. When he returned home,
I continued to cheat. We both kept our secrets, and it ate away
at us. Our “I love you’s” seemed tainted; honest and deceitful.
We now know the truth. It’s not anything we’re proud of. It was
a major obstacle to overcome. It was extremely confusing; being
in love for the first time in your life, and being unfaithful (to
each other and to ourselves).
Still, it happened suddenly and without my control: I found myself
needing Alex as much as I need air to live, or so it seems. It’s
as if I’ve suddenly became aware of the beauty I never knew I always
had, and the world faded from shades of gray, and was now being
broadcast in Technicolor. It’s amazing how one person can make you
feel things you’ve never felt before, and how that can work beautifully
or dangerously from either end of the spectrum. And, it’s amazing
how even when we turned our backs and we failed to see the light
filter into color, we were brought together, as if through some
sort of divine intervention, and a brilliant starburst of light.
I feel it’s not necessary to have everything the world offers so
long as I have Alex. All I need or want in this world is to want
and need him. My past relationships seem so wrong now. Like I’ve
been walking with the wrong shoe on the wrong foot all my life until
now. I misunderstood this love thing when I thought I had it all
figured out. (Most twenty year olds have it all figured out. I’m
no exception). But, I’m seeing things much more clearly now. Yes.
I see love is about trust. And respect. And, lots of honesty. Lots
of that. I see that love is not much to ask for, but it’s asking for so much.
Everything about Alex seemed so foreign, yet so familiar. But,
I understand why now. You see, all I’ve ever known of love has been
concocted in my head and in my dreams so convincingly that I’d swear
it was real. Now that I am loved, truly, I realize it’s not like
those dreams. Falling in love is not like anything you could ever
expect. It’s not like a fairy-tale, or romance novel, or Lucy and
Ricky on TV. It’s much, much better. You know how people say “when
you’re in love, you’ll know it?” Well, whoever those people are,
they’re absolutely right. You’ll know.
Send comments to dedeleon@lycos.com
