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Thanksgiving. A time of family togetherness and many suicid attempts. Coicidence? All those who raised their hands get no supper tonight! These past 2 days had actually not been to bad, save the me having to cook thanksgiving dinner for my family by myself thingy. But on the car ride back my dad has to start picking a fight with me.
He asked me where I had Physics.
And I said, "In the Physics Astronomy Building". And of course that wasn't good enough for him.
So he says, "Where's that?"...
I forgot to preface this, I might as well say now he doesn't know where ANYTHING is on campus and he doesn't know the names of the buildings on campus.
So I say, "On campus." I'm not trying to be vague, but if I say anything else he won't know what I'm talking about.
He says, "Where on campus?"
Where? What else can I say? South campus? He doesn't know where that is. In fact, I think he's only been into one part of campus, of course, not where the PAB is. So I say, "Just on campus..."
"On the main campus?"
What does he mean, the main campus? There's only one campus... unless you count the ones in Tacoma and Bothell, but why the fuck would the PAB be in Bothel? So I say, "What do you mean the main campus?"
Which, of course eventually turns into him yellnig at me. I don't remember the rest of the particulars. At one point he asked me if it was near the library. THE LIBRARY?!?!?! WHICH FUCKING ONE?!?!?! There are literally about 30 on campus. THE library? wtf? And the he got mad at me because I told him there was more than one library on campus.
He says, "The main library, is it near the main library?"
Again, I'm utterly dumbfounded. There is no main library. WTF am I supposed to say? There is nothing that I can say that will make him not yell at me at this point. Nothing short of lying that is. So I tell him, "There is no main library." Which I know will piss him off, but what else can I say? I'm not going to lie just to please him.
And of course I get another question that makes no sense..."Is it near the big library."
Yeah, okay, so that narrows it down, but there are 3 libraries which are about equally big. I point this out to him, but I also tell him that the PAB is not near either of them.
Which he ignores and he's says, "That main library... Zusselfer...."
I don't remember what name he said exactly.... It started with a Z, anyway. Needless to say, there is no library with this name on campus. I'd even be willing to wager there isn't a library with this name on any of the UW campuses. Anyway, I tell him there is no library with that name on campus.
Then of course, more anger and yelling and telling me that I'm mean and I talk like he's an idiot... etc etc... And.... he martyrs himself saying that he was just trying to have a conversation but I am obviously incapable of having one... etc etc.... Lots of insults my way.
What am I supposed to say? Seriously, what can I say? I have no idea what he's talking about.... I already told him anyway that it's not near a library.... I just.... So I say, "It's near the Physics and Astronomy building B, It's a little near Benson by Hitchcock, It's behind the Chemistry library.." Short of giving an exact address this is as close as I can get to telling him where it is.
More yelling. More asking why I can't just answer a simple question.
Well, guess what folks. I've just about had it. I'm not here so that he can have someone take out his OBVIOUS problems on. I tell him to stop yelling at me and guess what...
He gets sulky and tells me he wasn't yelling at me... Several insults later.... and..... blessed silence.
Who here still wonders why I hate my family? Anyone who raised their hand will lose it. *sigh* I don't want to have to do this again @Christmas time.
PS: Anyone notice my festive colouring scheme for my conversation? I thought I'd give it that extra special touch.
November 2, 2004
Quite frankly I don't know if this journal entry counts as a rant, but it's here anyway, so we deal. Today, well, yesterday now, I was presented with a serious moral problem. I am required to do several dissections in my upcoming labs. This week I am supposed to dissect an insect, and either a worm or a fish. Okay, background.... first I'm supposed to look at the living speacimen, then I'm supposed to dissect and anesthetised (sp?) but still living specimen. Not to sound like the vegetarian freak I think we all know I am, but I just can't bring myself to kill things. I find that after all the pondering I've done about life I have come to one unchangeable belief that all life is equal. Therefore it is _REALLY_ hard for me to kill. Especially for dissection. Here are my main problems:
1. I can't quantify the value of life.
I can't say that I should do the dissection because further down the line if I ever become a doctor that I will be able to save people's lives, so sacrificing a few worms is worth it. It sounds a little stupid, but I think that alot of the distinctions we make in life are mostly false. What really is the difference between the value of my life and the value of a worm's?
2. I really like animals.
I know this means that I might one day turn into that angry vegetarian with protest signs that beats down people who work at meat packing plants (though I highly doubt it, I'm much to apathetic for that), but I really do like animals. Watching them while they're alive will only make me sympathize (sp?) with them more. I don't want to hurt animals. I don't want to cause them pain. They get enough shit from us already without us dissecting them.
3. Lastly, I find the idea that the purpose of these animals' lives was to only to die really sick. I can hardly bear to even ponder it too long. The whole concept is just wrong on so many levels. Why raise a life with no hope? Take for example cloning human babies to for organ harvesting. It's not really the same thing, but you know that sick feeling you've got now? That how I'm feeling. I don't really know how to explain this very well, but I can only say this is the biggest sticking point for me. I'm having a hard time even figuring out how to think about this one.
And now kiddies it's time for the ever popular rebuttal:
1. I am a vegetarian, I value all life equally, but I eat plants which must be killed in order to sustain life. Also, although I am trying to change this as much as possible, I wear shoes with leather in them. I'm the worst millitant vegetarian ever. Maybe because I'm not that millitant... but I digress. So I value the lives of the animals on the dissecting table, but somewhere along the line I must have decided that plants' lives are less important, that somehow it is a necessary sacrifice. Quite frankly I haven't thought on this one long enough to give a good response. If I had to guess now I'd have to just say I'm a bit of a hypocrit. But, we all live our lives with a bit of inner conflict. What's life without pain? I don't know, but I can tell you this... it isn't bliss...
So that's it. Not really a rant, more of a pondering. I think this means I'm turning buddhist. Which is odd considering my... *ahem* moral flexibility in other areas.... (best not to mention which). There is just one more thing I want to say and that is... No matter how I feel about dissection I know I have no right to impose my views on others. I wouldn'd mind disscussing or even debating my ideas, but I really don't have a problem watching other people dissect animals or eat meat. My choices are what works best for me, other people are different. Not worse, different. Please don't take my ideas as a sermon. Don't get offended if you really like chicken or emu or something. I don't care. I don't want to convert anybody. (I hope people will return the favor and not attack me for being vegetarian. Don't laugh, it's happened to me before). I just want to be me in a sea of ... well... not me. ^_^
August 14, 2004
A couple of things. Thing of the first.
Thing of the second. I think I may be more competitive than I want to admit. In most things I try to be relaxed. Apathy has taken care of most things, but as I was playing Angela in video games I found myself trying WAY too hard to win. The same happens when I play other people. I guess most people would say that a bit of healthy competition is good. But I just find it disturbing that this is another thing about myself I have no control over. I should be a more gracious loser. I should allow Angela to win once in a while. Why can't I?
July 26, 2004
April 29, 2004
So I'm sitting here in the computer lab on the ground floor of my dorm. Not the most fun place to be. And of course, I'm here because my computer is dead. So I'm already not in such a great mood. Not to mention the not-so-cool day I had yesterday. But I don't really care about that... moving on...
So I'm sitting in the computer lab and this girl starts talking on her cell phone REALLY LOUDLY to her boyfriend... Apparently she's having this drama about when and how she can go fly in and go see him. And she wants to use his ticket but she feels so bad about it... blah blah blah... It's one of those dramas where the girl wants something... but, oh... she has to show how hesitant she is to take what she wants. And, from what I can gather, the person on the doesn't really want to give up their ticket.
Finally I guess she settles on using her own money and buying a ticket... Or rather the other person settles on that for her. But now (as she hangs up her phone and and attempts to buy a ticket) it turns out they're all sold out for the flight she wants on Friday... Which starts...you guessed it folks... the water works... and the small noises of a oh-so-sad-but-trying-so-hard-to-be-strong girl. Seriously people. This girl is a grade A drama queen. She will _not_ shut up. She keeps saying... "Oh, this can't be happening..." etc etc... and now her life will end and her puny little head will explode because she can't get the tickets.(I'll help her... I could squeeze her head like a grape and.... Better not finish that sentance for legal purposes...)
Sooooo... what does she do? She calls the airport. Becuase maybe... just maybe... the website was lying to her. Annnndddd... one long phone call later she back to cursing and complaining about how bad her life is. Under her breath of course... but, and I don't think I made this clear before... this girl has NO volume control. She is fucking YELLING into her phone. So, to clarify, under her breath means: everyone in the lab can hear her. Including this other girl... who decides to play the good samaritan and ask the girl if anything is wrong... and... (fucking hell) ask her if she needs someone to bitch to. And at this point I'm ready and willing to shoot myself if I have to hear a bitch session about this girl's insipid problems.
Now, don't get me wrong... I enjoy hearing about other people's misery. But more than that I HATE hearing people whine about how horrible their pathetic little lives are. Suck it up.
Oh... my nail broke... and then my boyfriend dumped me.
We all have our fucking problems. Who the fuck cares? God dammnit! I'm always complaining that people in highschool don't have perspective. How everything seems so much bigger to them than it does later in college. Well, I'm starting to learn that college students also have a tendancy towards drama. And... now that I think about it... so do all Americans.
Just get over yourselves you fuckers! There are people in the world STARVING TO DEATH. There are people in the being sold into slavery. Your problems are NOT:
But I digress...
Back to the main story. Remember.. girl... phone ticket... It wasn't that long ago I told you this. If you can't remember this long you might want to consult you nearest physician. Or just eat more fish. Anyway... So now the girl calls her boyfriend. And tearfully explains what happened. And as she babbles and cries (all very loudly) she keeps saying how fustrated she is. In otherwords... back to the pity party. And looky... I wasn't invited... and yet here I am anyway. To share in this... lovely moment.
Okay... now... exit the girl. Finally some peace for Katie. Peace and time to reflect on how wonderful the world truly could be... annnndd... she back again folks. But thank-fucking-god... Apparently she;s found a ticket. Maybe now she'll shut up. How many people think she did. Raise you're hands now. Death to all the infidels who raised their hands!
WTF people?!?!?! She just spent half and hour crying over how she couldn't get a flight out on Friday and now... NOW THAT SHE'S FOUND ONE... she's...not sure it she wants to go on Friday. Give this girl and award people. She's just reached my top ten most insipid people list. Her honey baked ham will arrive in 7 to 10 buisiness days. Dear GOD you people are annoying.
March 9, 2004
People who say this are pussy-assed assholes who are so selfish themselves that they are unable to empathize with someone in pain. They are SO involved with being mad at someone for making THEM feel bad thay they can't open their myopic little eyes to see that this person was in pain. HOW COULD YOU MISS IT? HOW?
I think what angers me most is that the annoying person is thinking about the pain of the family and not the dead person. The dead person was hurting the most. How can you tell? The dead person is DEAD and the living people live on. These annoying people like to think to themselves "_I_ would never do this. So _I_ must be superior." Whether or not they'll admit it, this thought is at the bottom of their minds. They believe that there is something wrong with the person who commited suiced, that the person was flawed in some way.
This is just wrong. I don't know how to stress enough how wrong I think this is. People who commit suicide or contemplate suicide are, for the most part, just in pain from living in the world. I don't know about the rest of you, but living HURTS. Yes, there are good parts. I'm not denying that. But if you're living comfortably how can you not wonder about all the people who aren't? How do you miss all of the crap going on around you? If you're in any way empathetic you can FEEL the pain of the people who are hopeless. And worse yet you can feel the apathetic way people ignore others. I understand people need apathy to be able to get through life. But for God's sake, horrors beyond believing are happening all around the world. People who empathize too much can become stagnated in their life from pain. And this is one of the reasons they may kill themselves. If life is not progressing and the only way to live it is through the same pain everyday until you die it would be hard NOT to commit suicide.
The reasons for not commiting suicide should not be "Because the family would be sad" If someone is contemplating suicide their pain should be the most important. If there is no reason to live, then it is the persons choice whether or not they will continue to live.
The bible tells people suicide is evil. And so far people have believed it. Our society is so hell bent on keeping everything alive for as long as possible nobody stops to think that perhaps it's okay if things die. For instance, putting dogs down in the pound. People don't want to have dogs put down in the pound, but they don't stop to think what the alternative is. It's like hell for most dogs in the pound. They're in a small, hard, cold place, constantly asaulted by loud noises and bad smells. Most of the dogs go insane from all the pain, but people still want to keep them alive. Why? WHY? I don't understand what this fixation with survival is. And blaming natural ingrained behavior is not enough. Natural selection does not select for altruism. Acording to nature you should only be concerned about your own survival, and not others.
So after all this rant most of you are probably convinced I'm suicidal. I can tell you I'm not, but I'm not sure that will do any good. And frankly, I don't care enough to argue with someone who would believe that I am just based on the fact they can't conceive that I could be angry for others.
You don't have to agree with me, I'm sure alot of people wouldn't. It's your choice and your right to believe what you want. But please PLEASE, if you take ANYTHING away from this rant make it this:
That is all.
March 7, 2004
I believe that everybody should at least:
*Just _notice_ that there are other people around. People should just open their pathetically myopic eyes and be aware of everyone around them.
The others things I wish for after that:
*People would realize there is no absolute right or wrong, there is no good or evil... It's all a matter of perspective. For these reasons (and more) I think people are shit.
I hold everybody to these principles. And while my ideas about humanity constantly change, it never ceases to amaze me how often everyone I know falls short.
So here is my problem...
So the question becomes.... Why not just change? Why not just stop being hurt by what people say? Why not stop turning the other way so I don't stare when I see I person who's handicapped?
Short answer:
I can't. You have no idea how much I've tried, but I can't change the behaviors I've used for the past 19 years and are just starting to observe and understand. I want to, but sometimes, that's just not enough
Which brings us back to the beginning of this rant. People are pissing me off.
I'm pissing myself off.
I can't be content this way. (No, hot happy... content... trust me... this is another rant) I can't change the way I view myself without closing my eyes, putting on a fake smile and homogenizing myself. I don't know what to do and I'm getting so tired of it all...
The people in my Japanese class are annoying me. I was thinking to myself
I'm having a day again. I don't think I've had one in a while. Just a really crappy day. I guess I'm in this mood because I have to write an essay about my future in Japanese. And I know I can' just say what I really want to say. One, because I just don't ahve the vocab yet. And two, because I know it would highly disturb my teachers. I don't like to think about my future. It's depressing for reasons I don't even really understand yet. Needless to say it really sucks ass to have to write about my future. I want to write that I have no future, but that's only one sentance and I need a page. I guess the one big thing I can't say that I'd really like to is that I don't ever want to get married. I mean, I really don't. A couple of days ago in Japanese class we had to raise our hands to say if we wanted to get married or not. Just take a guess at how many other people raised their hands when I raised mine... I guess most people will think that I lying and secretly I want to get married. Or worse yet that I'm a raging femminist bitch who will want to get married when I learn better. But, I'm really not inclined to socialize with people let alone sign a legally binding contract to spend enormous amounts of time with someone. I don't like being touched and I have seriously crappy emotional baggage (have you read my rants?). I think I might actually be doing myself and some lucky shomo out there a favor.
Alright, so I wasn't in a ranty mood before. I was actually kind of tired... (I like to live me life in a sort of sleepy stupor) But now... DEAR GOD.. I am SO TICKED there isn't a word for it. So I'll make one up. *HJ*IIIIII***. The * indicate clicking noises. This will be my new battle cry. It will strike fear in the hearts of millions. And the ice cream man. Who I have no real thing against... Moving on...
Oh really? Well I'm emotionally fucked up and both of my parents (who I depend on for money to go to college) have cancer.
1. Interesting
2. Fun to share
3. (And most important) IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM IMPORTANT in the personal sense, the sociatyl sense (can't spell...) or the cosmic sense.
The answer is... No, of course she didn't stop talking. Now it's on and on about... "Should I go Friday... or Saturday?..."
When people talk about someone commiting suicide someone always says, "Oh, that person was being selfish and cowardly. Didn't they know what it would do to their family and friends." And by now I've heard it just about enough to really piss me off. So here's what I think.
People around you all have pain like you. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Be understanding, or at least don't be judgemental.
Oh look, another bitter entry. I can't help it. People are just pissing me off. And I'm pissing myself off. It's a whole thing. But I need to say something or I might just go crazy. And I can't dump on my friends because none of them would understand... Well maybe one or two, but they don't need my shit right now. Here's the back story:
*Understand that everyone is different and that's it's O. -fucking- K. for it to be like that.
*Show a little fucking humanity towards all others... Not just people like them, but children, animals, prisoners... anything that has the capacity for pain... and even shit that doesn't...
*People would chuck the whole social behavior shit to the fucking wind and just be fucking honest. You don't was to meet for lunch? Just fucking say so... Don't waste my time with an obviously false excuse about having to... I don't know... pet your iguana... and then waste another 15 minutes explaining how much your damned iguana needs you.
I give people shit about being racist... but I find myself prone towards the same behaviors I've learned to despise.
I tell people I want honesty (which I really do) but I still find I'm hurt when I get it.
In short... I'm a hypocrite of the highest standard. I apply my principles to others... okay.. but in fairness I have to judge myself by these same standards... and I'm just as fucking bad as everyone else. And it's killing me to admit it... but there's the rub to honesty, eh?
*The girls who talk loudly in the elevator about such inane things that it literally makes my head hurt.
*The people who believe the current war America finds itself in is a battle against evil.
*The people who would pray for my soul because I think a little too hard for their liking
I really hate people.
*I find myself enjoying really really stupid conversations with my friends in class (which would really piss me off if I were listening to me) or in the elevator... wherever.
*I find myself prone to preaching to others what I am unable to practice myself.
*I am utterly prejudiced against Christians and their ways of thinking... (ie. only one _TRUE_ religion... oh save the poor people who are too stupid / blind to see the way... etc etc)