My Journal

PS: Little update- my tongue is STILL NUMB.

Not to mention we were driving down the highway near seattle @ 40MPH. It was nearly the saddest thing I've ever seen.... if we hadn't then turned onto Roosevelt and proceded to drive down it @15 MPH. ~_~;;

Strangely enough I think I'm laughing alot more recently. This means one of several possibilities. I couls either be manic depressive. Which, I must admit, is entirely possble. I could be getting less bitter (not bloody likely). I could be going crazy. Well, more crazy. Or finally, and quite frankly I think this is the most probably theory, I'm become so apathetic I've completely stopped caring. That's right. I've decided to just stop struggling, sit back and watch the carnage that is life. That's right. I'm getting my kicks out of watching you people fuck up your own lives. Keep up the good work.

Unfortunatly going against my apathetic theory is the fact that I've finally decided to get off my ass and vote. No, not for the presidential election. Washington votes democratic. As long as we have the electoral vote my vote doesn't really count in Washington. No people, I have to get off my ass and vote against... I36... Hmm... Strike that. That's an Oregon initiative. Why the Hell was it on the seattle news? Oh well, I guess that's what I get for only half paying attention to the news. I got all riled up for nothing. Hehehe. *sigh* Anyway, if you're in Oregon and voting, vote no on I36. It's the initiative to ban gay marriage. Every person on this Earth deserves the right to be happy. Every person upon birth is endowed with the undeniable right to be who they are without any need of apology. Hundreds, thousands of great people are forced to hide themselves from the people who they love. We have a chance to change that. For god's sake people, you don't have to hate each other.

And that's all for my soapbox.

Oh, also. It's Halloween time! I love Halloween. Almost as much as I love Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is alot like America, glutonus and disfunctional. ^_^ You gotta love the disfuntional holiday. But then Halloween comes next. Mainly because you get to watch the conserative Christians freak out. All this paganism. It's truely horrible. ^_^ Maybe I'll dress as Satan this year... Or Jesus. Which do you think is more sacraligious? I think I'll be taking my email off this site now...

1. The thick lining of cat hair that is slowly building up in my lungs
2. My parents saying, "that is emo"

Just wrong wrong wrong.

1. There are only three of us meaning we are not only going to have rotate in and out of the fake tv changing costumes, but we are also going to have to rotate in and out outside the fake tv because the person watching the tv also has to say something. This means that one, we need lots of costumes. Two, we'll be moving frantically the entire time. And three, we'll confuse the hell out of our audience. They do come up with an interesting solution to the costume problem though... lots of hats. That's right. Lots of hats. Never mind that that only makes the whole production more confusing. Never mind that none of us own hats... *sigh* Time for the next point.
2. Then they decide they want to tape something and watch it in class while we talk about it. It's the same idea as before, only now the tv programs aren't live. Which... still has many problems. Keep in mind that at this point we have less than a week to prepare for the skit and we still have a final and a midterm before the skit. So they want to, one... figure out how to obtain then use a video camera. They want to write TWO scripts, one for the tv and one for us. They want shoot and edit the tape, then reherse the skit we're doing in front of the tape. Not only that, but they are both busy during the weekend, so really they want to complete this project in four half days while doing 6-12 pages of homework a night and studying for the tests. Don't even get me started on the split focus the tape and the live skit would create.

Okay, so, I point out some, but not all, or these problems and they get mad at me. Because, I'm the wet blanket or dead parrot... um... something bad. So what's their next idea? Alice in Wonderland. Well, whoopty-friggin-doo. A story I haven't read or a movie I haven't seen. Also, too few people, not enough time to assemble props... just the whole stupidity of the idea. Their next idea, Harry Potter... Okay, where does the japanese come into Harry Potter? I don't even think Harry Potter is in english.
Okay, getting past the most boring Friday I've ever had to live through. After three and a half hours of this we finally decide on a mean babysitter skit. Okay, fine. We are each supposed to write a part of it and the guy says he'll do it first because he doesn't have time really during the weekend so he'll write it on Friday and send it to me on Sat so we and continue it. Does he do that? No.... instead he goes to a party. So on Saturday and Sunday I try to get a hold of him. I leave like a dozen messages on his MSN messenger, but he doesn't even respond to one. I even leave a message that if he hasn't written anything yet I can start it so at least some part is done by Monday.
So..... Monday rolls around. And in class he says, "Oh yeah, I sent it to you on Sunday." Liar. I checked all Sunday. He didn't send it to me until REALLY late Sunday night, or REALLY early Monday morning if you wish. Anyway, so I offer to write the rest of it, because... there realy isn't time at this point for me to write something and then hope, _hope_ the other girl finishes the skit. So they agree. Great. I go home and look at the skit the guys has sent me. And it.... really sucks. In Japanese there is a way women talk and a way men talk... and the whole thing is written like guys talking to each other. Not only that, but there are so many spelling mistakes it's not even funny. He spelled "no" wrong. Friggin' "no". And... AND it's grammatically wrong. To top this whole thing off, it doesn't even make any sense. He says, "I was trying to make it funny. It's random... you might not think it's funny." It's random? RANDOM?!?! It's not random... it's hasitily put together crap. So I ask him, via msn messenger, if I can change it or obmit it from the skit... and he act's all wounded like I've just carved up his only child with a butcher knife. Okay, fine... So I spend an extra 4 hours trying to figure out how to intigrate it. It make the whole writing process go twice as slow because I'm trying to figure out how to not change it too much even though I have to change it becasuse, it's grammtically incorrect, it's very wrong spelling wise, and if I say it as it's written I may as well strap a pair of testicles to my face. I spent most of the night writing the damned skit, I get 2 hours of sleep just so we have something to practice on Tuesday. Because... we're performing this on Thursday. We need to practice.
Tuesday... Tuesday... I'm tired as all hell. But I'm there. But guess who isn't? BOTH OF THEM. Niether of them show up for class. I spent hours of time on the damned skit, WHY? WHY? So I messege both of them. Why didn't the girl come? She was, "studying" and she must have just missed me because, really she came at the end of class, but 5 minutes after it had ended. I spent hours writing the script and she couldn't leave her house 5 minutes earlier. And the first this she says to me? "Why didn't you send me the script?" Oh fuck off... The guy doesn't even message me back.
Wednesday... (God I hate my life) Wednesday, I ask the guy in class why he didn't come to class. What does he say? "I had to move" That's right folks, he had to move, but he didn't have enough time on Monday night when he was messaging me to tell me. Or anytime ALL of Tuesday to leave me a message and tell me why he didn't come. And guess what? The girl isn't there again. So we can't practice... again. Why the fuck did I write the script on Monday night? WHY?!?!?! And you know the first thing he says to me? "Why didn't you send me the script?" Oh fuck off... Which brings us to earlier this afternoon. I message the girl because I really want to change parts with her. I'm just too tired to be the "babysitter" and act mean. I don't have enough energy left after this crappy week to act mad. And I've literally been leaving her messeges since Sunday asking her if we can switch. What does she say? "Oh, I didn't get your messages..." Not only that, but while I try to ask her to switch parts with me she just sits there and tries to find out where our final is. Why doesn't she know? Because she hasn't gone to class in nearly three weeks. When I finally get to ask her if she'll change what does she say? "Oh... but you're so good at being evil..." OKay, what the fuck? I have done ALL the work on this project and you can't even switch parts with me? You can't do me this one favor? Fuck you. Both of you. You are two of the most selfish and lazy people I have ever met. I hope you both fail. Fuck you. Fuck off. See you in Hell.

I started summer quarter this week. Whoopty-friggin'-doo. And I', taking summer intensive Japanese, which sounds fun, but is... in fact... not. I've never not liked a language teacher before, but I got to say, my Japanese TA is really beginning to piss me off. Unfortunatly, all the people in my class seem to think he walks on water. ~_~ *sigh* I guess he's not a horrible guy... but... okay. Here's my long story, do with it what you will:

On Tuesday I was having nearly the crappiest day ever. I was really tired, really sick from allergies, confused about my Japanese hw, and highly depressed over school in general (aka: very burned out). I had had to leave my apartment at 7:00AM to run over to Ode to try to buy a Japanese course pack so I could do my hw only to find it doesn't open until 8:00AM. Which means I got to sit outside for 30 minutes waiting for the damned thing to open. I had to run to class and I hadn't studied. Not the best day. And for whatever reason my TA decided to make my day worse. So I get to class... it's the second day and I don't know anyone yet. We have to work in partners in class, but I'm not sitting next to anyone and I'm really to sick and tired to go seeking someone out. So I decide to sit alone and work out the problems by myself. A little pathetic, yes... but I just wasn't in the mood to socialize. My TA, seeing this, decides to come-the-fuck-over to me and be my partner. So now I'm literally the most pathetic person in the class. Tired, smelly, sick and.... friendless. Just in case no one had noticed before he came to sit next to me as a flaming red beacon of my inability to make friends that day. Yay. Not only that, but as his partner I had to answer all the questoins he was asking. And being tired, smelly... etc etc.. I just couldn't do it. And I told him, I'm sorry, I hadn't studied I didn;t know the answers. And anybody, smart, fat, small, ugly, dumb as a post... ANYBODY could see I was just tired and sick. So what does he do after this? He takes every availible oppurtunity to call on my in class so I have to say to each question that I don't know and look like an idiot. And I'm literally on the brink of tears because I just can't deal with all this crap at once. But he keeps calling on me anyway. ANY..._ANY_ of my previous TA's would have left me alone on that day. Any human being with the smallest shred of a soul would have just let me be that day. And for whatever reason he decided to make that day a living hell for me. All I can think of is:
A) He's too stupid or emotionally retarded to notice that I was having a crappy day
or
B) He's a souless bastard that will rot in hell for all the days of his afterlife.
I personally like the second one. Anyway, you can judge about him yourself. I know my story was one sided, but I only have one side. At least it's been going better since then. I left early and went home and slept and felt better. And made some friends the next day. But my TA better watch his back. I don't kick people I don't like when they're down. I run them over in a Hummer.

I'd just like to add. --> Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool. Not cool.*traumitized*

ps: I just found out my mom has a live journal. How sick is that?

pps: Did you know that ebaums world is blocked at the library comp? How am I supposed to spend the next week amusing myself?

Duck on a stick.

Everything wrong is happening today. List for today:
1. Virus-like, self-replicating hijacker
2. Little to no sleep due to the amount of time spent fixing above problem.
3. Finding out this morning that the "Critical Update" Microsoft insisted I download onto my computer for Windows Media player has made said player stop functioning. It has also caused all my desktop icons to stop working.
(If you can't tell, I'm really pissed off about my computer problems)
4. Being laughed at by all my friends when I tell them what happened to my computer. Seriously people, I want empathy, and perhaps help and advice (so long as it's good advice). I do NOT want people laughing at the fact that I am now running on _NO_ sleep and my battle is only half over.
5. Having plans cancelled because friend accepts invitation (made today) to hang out with other (and presumably more interesting) friend. Never mind the plans we made a week ago. Did I mention one of my pet peeves is wishy-washy people? (see below)
6. Fire Alarm due to smoke filling 8th floor hallway, causing mass evacuation of top floors.

Anybody else getting the inherent CRAPPINESS that has been meticulously woven into my day? I'm just so sick of this all.

Men plan. God laughs.

I will now be hardily endorsing these websites:

http://www.cybertechhelp.com

http://gmpservicesinc.com

http://www.winnetmag.com

And also these FREE products:

Ad-aware

Hijack This!

CWSheddar

I have just fineshed a 5 hour battle with a program called NKVD. And I've won. That's right, bitch... I won. You have NO idea how happy I am right now. I know I spout crap about not needing to be happy. And, it's still true... but right now... so happy. For those of you who don't know, NKVD HIJACKS your homepage and puts it's own page as your default. It will reset itself as your homepage anytime you change your homepage back to whatever it is (In my case yahoo.com). So, that's no too bad, you think. And, if that were all, I'd be inclined to agree with you. I've had hijackers before, and they're not too bad to get rid of. However, this is no ordinary hijacking program. It will also save a new link in your favorites section that leads to a porn site that WILL cause MASSIVE pop-ups that are nearly impossible to get rid of. And if that isn't bad enough, this program is also self-replicating. You can delete it, but it will replicate itself again. Can you see my problem? So for that last 5 hours I've been downloading all the anti-adware programs I could get my hands on. And now I'm finally free. I'm so tired. And I don't think there's a way I can express to you how happy I really am. So, I'm going to review how to delete this program should any of you come up against it and then I'm going to sleep

WARNING: All things coming next are merely suggestions I have for how to get rid of NKVD. I am _NOT_ a computer expert by any standard. I'm, quite frankly, as close to a computer idiot as you're going to get with someone with their own website. All my suggestions are based on what worked for me. If you do not have Windows XP I don't think I can help you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read all the way through my suggestions before you take ANY actoins. If you are uneasy about ANYTHING do NOT do it. Get professoinal help. I'm a retard. Have I mentioned that recently? A very lucky, very tenacious bastard retard. Take all my suggestions with a grain of salt and get REAL help if you don't think you can do it my way. With that said, feel free to read on. You have been fairly warned.

First, go here:

http://www.cybertechhelp.com/forums/showthread.php?s=5936e4a7684e22ff3eb2a1c135648af6&p=185641#post185641

It's a site with advice on how to get rid of NKVD and it has links to download the programs that you will need. (You may need to look through to posts to find the links to the programs)

The program you will need are Hijack This!. I suggest that you run it and delete ANYTHING that has the letter nkvd in the name. Please excercise caution when deleting things off your computer. Do NOT delete anything but the nkvd files when you use Hijack This! unless you know what you're doing. I also used CWShreddar, but I'm not sure what exactly, if anything, it did to remove the program. I highly suggest it, though. It removed some adware my other anti-adware programs left behind.

When you are trying to delete the nkvd do NOT forget to turn off your system restore. (You can go to Control Panel and then click on the icon that says SYSTEM. There is a tab that says SYSTEM RESTORE. You can click on the box that "Turn off System Restore" which will turn it off. Don't forget to turn it back on once you're sure you've gotten rid of the NKVD.)

Aside from all of these things you also have to delete the link "mature porn" or something like that from your favorite links. I wouldn't suggest opening IE and deleting the link that way. It will reinstall the NKVD program and you'll be right back where you started. Or at least that was the case for me. Instead try going to My Computer -> C: -> Documents and Settings -> Whatever your user name is (the name you sign in onto your computer with) -> Favorites (the big yellow star). Inside that folder you should see the "mature porn" link. Delete it.

Hopefully by doing this your computer will be completely rid of this damned program. And you're probably wondering, most of all, how you got it. Well, apparently it comes from a pop-up, but no one knows exactly which. It got onto your computer through a bug in Microsoft Java Virtual Machine, which is no longer even supported by Microsoft.

If you still have problems you can email me at utookmyfoot@yahoo.com. I infrequently check my email, but if you put NKVD into the subject heading I will try to help you any way I can, because I know how fustrating it can be. However, I'd like to point out that I'm little more than a computer retard, so I don't know how much I can help you. Good luck all!

So one of my other friends comes in and sort of puts me on the spot (because one of the Canada people was in the room) and asks me what I was doing for housing. (I had also make very crude and general plans to possibly live with this person too.) So I reply (ever-so-politely... in otherwords... not like me at all) that I was going to live with Canada people (let's nickname them CAT for time's sake) but now I thought it might be unwise. And one of CAT replies that they weren't able to find a 4 bedroom apartment anyway... So yay, they don't want me. And frankly, I don't want them. If I haven't been blunt enough about that yet. (You may think I'm paranoid from the way I'm writing, but you really can't catch the undertones just from reading what they said)

And, interestingly enough, my other friend (not from Canada trip) is also giving off the vibes she doesn't want me living with her because there's another person she knows who she wants to live with and there aren't enough rooms in the apartment if I live there too...

So I feel bad, 'cause no one wants to live with me... Hmm... that's not true. I feel bad because I don't like people, not even the people I associate with, but I don't think I could live without them. It's a sick kind of depenedance. I'm lonely without them, but with them I just wish I were alone. *sigh* I'm really too screwed up to be living in this world.

So back to the situation. I want to live by myslef. Or at least without any of my friends. Recently I have been getting the feeling that I need to make a clean break from all of my friends... So I want to live alone... if only I can work up the courage.

To compound this wonderful embarassment some people are filming a movie or something RIGHT AT THE STREET WHERE WE ARE STANDING. So not only do I look like an idiot with my friend trying to get her phone to work and constantly glancing down the SAME two fucking streets, but I also look like a fucking double idiot desparately hoping to get in on the movie. Woo-fucking-hoo.

So anyway, FINALY I descide I'm going to Chinatown (where we were headed originally) And as we're walking MIRACLES OF MIRACLES the two pop out of the building just ahead of us. <Please note this next part carefully> They do not even turn around to look for us. <Okay, you can stop noting for a moment> Of course I see them and my friends runs up to them and gets this explaination :WE THOUGHT YOU HEARD US.... That's right folks. They thought we heard them. They didn't see us in front of them anymore, they didn't see any indication that we heard them.... but they just knew we heard them. Not only that, but when they exited the building and didn't see us they didn't even pause to wonder where we had gone. THEY DIDN'T EVEN LOOK FOR US. This fact alone utterly fucks up their arguement that they thought we had heard them when they said they were going into the building.

If what they said is true there are only two senarios I can think of.

1. They thought we heard them and believed we would wait for them. In which case they should have had a double take such as my friend had and started looking around for us.

2. They thought we heard them and didn't believe we would wait for them. Still, to confirm their suspicions, one of them would have at least GLANCED around.

The only senario that fits is this:

They KNEW we didn't hear them. They WANTED to ditch us. But they also wanted DENIABILITY. Which is their concocted half-assed story.

So now you're thinking, who is stupid enough to believe that? Enter my friend... So freaking egar to reassure herself that they "wouldn't do something like this" she believes their story without question. And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm mad. THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. My friend is willing to delude herself to preserve her current beliefs. This rigidity of thought was not something I had come to expect from her. And I must admit I was sorely disapointed in her more than anything. I have come to expect this kind of crap out of my other two friends... but I had always thought that this friend was a little smarter than the rest.

It's my own fault really. I set myself up for that one. And now I've been sitting in my room for the past 2 days, going out only for food. Mainly because I don't know my way around Vancouver and I don't want to get lost. There is a park I really want to go to, but I only know they general direction it is in. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have to check out and go home, but one of my "two friends" has my ticket. Not really surprising. I've been feeling like the two other girls and I are the whores and he is the pimp for sometime now. He's been controlling where we stay, where we go, HOW we go (ie: which streets we take, despite the fact that it appears one is just as good as another), what we do and WHEN we do it. I'm just tired. I need a vacation from my vacation.

(Oo.... Side note: I saw the biggest pidgeon EVER today, it was fucking awesome.)

Anyway...
So life changes... so what? I suppose it's hard for most people to understand. Has anyone see Memento? There's a guy who cannot make any new memories, so every day he wakes up and he doesn't remember anything about the previous days going right back to the day when his brain was damaged. It's kind of like that for me. I'm finding that my memory is getting really bad. If any of you know me, you probably know my memory wasn't all that good to start out with. But now... It's getting bad folks, let's leave it at that... Anyway, the point is, it's very hard to live in a world with no constants... I don't have permanant memories really, so I'm trying to hold onto anything I can. In the movie the guy leaves himself notes. For me I like to have objects, because then I can remember the memories attached to that object. You can imagine what kind of packrat that's made me. ^_^ But because of my memory problem it makes it that much harder for me to change. I become so comfortable in routine... because I know what I'm suppose to do. It's easy, it's predictable... damned boring at times, but it's something I can deal with. When I look into the past I can't see anything, and it's pretty much the same when I look into the future. Usually these rants have a purpose, but today it looks like I've run out of steam before I finnished. Too bad for you.

1. Erin
2. Christina
3. Sarah
4. Becca

The New Yet Still Strangely the Same List of People Who have not wished me Happy Birthday Due to the Fact That I Am Currently Tricking Them Into Thinking It's Tomorrow:

1. Karin.

Hehe, yes folks. It's my birthday. And even though I've spent the majority of it alone in my room this is the first birthday I've had in which my parents weren't here. For which I am eternally gratefull. So, it's not so bad after all. Today and yesterday It amazes me how many of my friends remembered it was my birthday. It's touching. Almost enough to warm an evil peron's heart. But the again, I am a particularly wicked strain of evil. Hehe. RNA.