Blonde Jokes 4 U
The Blond And The Lottery
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 05-30-1999
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.84
A blond woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has
gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to
pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
She again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto
night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she
prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business,
my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back
in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and she is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "At least meet
me halfway on this -- buy a ticket."
Engines Failing With A Blonde On Board
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 09-28-1998
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.97
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an
hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines
left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But
don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed
and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't
worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Five-Year Solitary
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 02-06-2001
Suitability: PG
Genre: Long-Winded, Rating: 1.85
Three tourists were traveling in South America: an Irishman, a
Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a
bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict
dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a
bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and
arrested them.
At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was
even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the
brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly
sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.
Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are
foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favor. You
may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What
do you wish for?"
The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey.
The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine.
The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The
judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison
and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement
of the prison.
Five years later they were let out one by one. First the
Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to
stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a
word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather
drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American
was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does
anyone have a %&$*&@# match?"
Blonde Learns To Fly A Helicopter
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 09-18-1998
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.84
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn
to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the
owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo
by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about
half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Watch Out For That Tree
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Mike L on 09-07-1999
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.79
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I
almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right
in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree
in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another
tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
-~*Lora that one was 4 u*~
Lawyer Vs. The Blonde
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Ricky M on 09-02-1998
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.84
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and
a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and
figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she
plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to
her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks
at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he
knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde
and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.
A Crying Pregnant Blonde
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 08-01-1998
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 0.00
There were three women sitting in a doctor's office, a blond, a
brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.
"I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said the
brunette.
"Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said the
red-head.
All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked her what was
wrong. "I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.
Three Blondes And A Magic Lamp
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 08-01-1998
Suitability: PG
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 0.49
Three blondes were walking along the beach when they spied
something buried in the sand. Digging it out, they discovered
that it was a magic lamp. When they rubbed the lamp, a genie
appeared, who thanked them for rescuing him from his
imprisonment, and offered each of them one wish.
"I wish to be smart," the first blonde said, and POOF! She became
a brunette.
"I wish to be smarter than her!" exclaimed the second blonde, and
POOF!
She became a redhead.
The third blonde, not to be outdone, said "I wish to be dumber
than I already am!" and POOF! She became a man.
Blonde Exposure
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 08-01-1998
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 0.82
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my
eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is
hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast *is*
hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am,
are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
The Video Rental
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 07-26-2000
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.78
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.
Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her
first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a
while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen,
so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the
tape but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.
Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
Blonde Poop
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Unknown on 08-01-1998
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Quickie, Rating: 1.81
Two blondes are walking in the woods when one looks down and
says," Look, dog poop." The other bends down and smells it,
"Smells like dog poop." They both stick there fingers in it,
"feels like dog poop." They taste it, "Tastes like dog poop." One
says to the other "Sure glad we didn't step in it."
~*That 1 was 4 u Ally*~
Blonde Boating
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Diana on 08-02-2001
Suitability: PG-13
Genre: Shortie, Rating: 1.80
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a
blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she
stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.
When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde
in the field.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,"Because it is
an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She
yells at the blonde in the field. "It is blondes like you that
give the rest of us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began
rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook
her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, "if I could swim
I would come out there and kick your ass."
She Was So Blond...
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said "concentrate".
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up
her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT
WALK".
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change
back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third
grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics."
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"..
she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went
home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
