Aries
You will be delighted and humiliated today when your mother videotapes the
reunion between you and your long-lost security blanket, “Schmoopy.”
Taurus
Playing cops and robbers in the park, good idea. Playing cops and robbers in the
bank, BAD IDEA.
Gemini
You will learn the hard way that your boss doesn’t think it’s cute when you
pull spaghetti through your cleft palate and out your nose.
Cancer
While one bird in the hand is better than three in the bush, a restraining order
will permanently keep you at least 300 yards from the penguins at the zoo.
Leo
Bernadette Peters will appear to you in a dream. Just go with it.
Virgo
A Pisces will play heavily in the fate of your dream career as a Broadway
theater janitor. He’ll be in the men’s room, third stall from the left.
Libra
You’ll figure out the name of the love that dare not speak its name when you
wake up to find “Shirley” tattooed on your forehead.
Scorpio
Tonight on your date with that six-foot-four blonde, you’ll be reminded of
that time when your mom told you not to play with it or it’ll fall off.
Sagittarius
Your life-long love of cheese will pay off when you win a lifetime supply of
Gruyere for knowing that Bernaix-Nicht Cheddar is aged 26 months in the bladder
of a goat during Martha Stewart’s Cheese-a-thon trivia contest.
Capricorn
When I was seven years old, my parents hired a babysitter to watch us while they
went to a hotel for their anniversary. It was 1984, punk rock was in full swing.
“Spyke” had four safety pins in her left ear and her fishnet stockings were
torn in several places. After twenty-five minutes of toasting Cheese Puffs over
her Bic, she decided to show us how to do the splits. It was then that I learned
this important piece of wisdom: Short-shorts and bikini waxing should always go
hand in hand when you’re genetically predisposed to have the pubic hair of a
low-land gorilla.
Aquarius
When the hot chick with the pit-bull smiles at you in the park today, don’t
run to greet her.
Pisces
Your girlfriend does not think it’s sexy when you show people how you can
swallow a 7-11 quarter pound hot dog.
Aries
A timely CAT scan will reveal the source of your blinding headaches to be the
embryonic remains of your unborn twin embedded in your frontal lobe.
Taurus
Follow your instincts and purchase that Collie you’ve been eyeing. Chances are
good that your Grandpa will fall in a well in the near future.
Gemini
You will stop taking unsolicited advice from strangers after you follow hair
removal instructions from sixth grader Phillip Levy.
Cancer
Catastrophe will strike when your multiple personalities embark on a three-hour
rock paper scissors marathon during your appearance on Oprah.
Leo
The nagging voice that is telling you that English degrees do not provide
psychic abilities is WRONG!
Virgo
You will be under investigation from the CIA due to a miniscule typo on your
resume. That’s what you get for trying to glamorize your proofreading
experience by calling yourself a professional “errorist.”
Libra
Avoid Capricorns, carry an extra pair of underwear with you at all times this
week.
Scorpio
No, it would be not be funny to wear the “Don’t piss me off, I’m running
out of places to bury the bodies” t-shirt to your employer’s funeral.
Sagittarius
Even after seven members of PETA are kidnapped and each is forced to spend eight
hours trapped inside the carcass of a cow, your non-profit organization, People
for the Ethical Treatment of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will
still be a monumental failure.
Capricorn
Live wild and free this week, you are unstoppable. You will feel the urge to
stuff your grandma’s lemon meringue pie down a Libra’s pants. Just do it.
Aquarius
You’ve been feeling watched for the last three weeks and you have. The X-Files
Fan Club wants their membership dues and they aren’t taking no for an answer.
May I suggest www.probe-me-notchastitybelts.com?
Pisces
Yesterday, when you watched the Pepsi truck driver scramble around the parking
lot of the supermarket, chasing rogue two-liter soda bottles into heavy traffic
and you laughed until you soiled yourself, Howard Yarbarough from the local
Teamsters union was watching you. You might want to take the bus for the rest of
your life. December 3,
2002-December 10
Maude and Fifi
Aries
You will mistake Ed McMahon’s minions for an Oreck representative trying to
sell you a vacuum cleaner with space-age technology and a “personal massage”
attachment and will miss out on your last chance at becoming independently
wealthy, which is good because money is evil.
Taurus
Be very careful what you ask for or you will be surprised the morning after your
first visit to that new seafood restaurant when God grants you the variety of
crabs you didn’t intend to order.
Gemini
“Beauty is only skin deep” is just something ugly people say, but “Ugly is
to the bone” is the gospel truth.
Cancer
You will be shocked to learn that your mother has been lying to you most of your
life. Your singing voice is reminiscent of that time you got the cat stuck in
the fold-out sofa bed and your nickname at the office is “Fido.”
Leo
Your financial ineptitude will be revealed when you blurt out “OH! I GET
IT!!!” after someone offers their advice on the stock market: “Buy low, sell
high.”
Virgo
He who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke and he who laughs first
started hitting the bottle too early. Just don’t laugh, it’s giving you
wrinkles anyway.
Libra
You promised yourself you wouldn’t get blitzed at the company Christmas party
this year, but once again you show your inability to keep promises. It’s a
good thing you didn’t throw out your, “I’m sorry I ralphed on your
shoes,” cards from last year.
Scorpio
You live by the saying, “Expect the worst and you’ll never be
disappointed,” but your idea of the worst will need modification when your
whole “prostitution thing” is revealed at your nephew’s bar mitzvah.
Sagittarius
A change of plans will be necessary after the Feds get wind of your plan to
protest the Amy Grant/Vince Gill Christmas spectacular à la “Carrie.”
Capricorn
Just when you think things can’t get any worse, they always do. Your
girlfriend will dump you and take custody of the dogs AND the Ani DiFranco cd
collection and you will eventually enter a relationship with homeless woman
named Maude who smells of sardines and mostly empty aluminum soft-drink cans in
August. Then she will dump you for an ex-contortionist with the Cirque Du
Soleil named FiFi.
Aquarius
You will be cursed with a plague of locusts for the next fifteen years. No, that
can’t be right, hold on a minute. Oh, here it is, you will be exposed to the
plague on Locust, but you will come out of it okay and your hallucinations
during your illness will provide inspiration for your first novel, “Fifi and
Maude.”
Pisces
A kick-ass Kwanzaa party will screech to a halt when you try out your new O.J.
Simpson joke. What the hell’s wrong with you? O.J. Simpson jokes are so eight
years ago.
Aries
Rejoice, for someone you know will appear in the National Enquirer’s worst
dressed pages. Not you, of course, you vixen, you, but someone wearing only a
red bow tie and suspenders.
Taurus
Your fiancée will discover the pile of Judy Garland memorabilia you’ve
stuffed in your closet, and she’ll call off your wedding.
Gemini
Does anyone really read Gemini? I don’t know any Geminis. If there are any
Geminis reading this, just ask Mademoiselle Julie for your horoscope. She’ll
hook you up.
Cancer
Do not attend the Christmas Carol extravaganza, you will be trampled by a
thousand people fleeing Art Holiday’s singing voice.
Leo
Your irrational fear of green straws finally becomes rational when you lose an
eye to one in a freak diner accident.
Virgo
Beware your family’s Christmas gathering: Your aunt Mary will be laying in
wait for you when you walk in. DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT! And she already told
your grandma that you have a tattoo of Popeye on your left butt cheek and the
premarital sex thing. Deny it! She doesn’t know it’s true, she’s just
making stuff up. For your own safety, don’t wear anything easy to remove,
there might be a butt check.
Libra
Wax your mustache. People at work are calling you “Colonel Sanders” behind
your back.
Scorpio
Police do not consider using binoculars to stare at your neighbor naked
“people watching.”
Sagittarius
Your fantasies about Anne Murray are never going to come true. Give up the
dream, it’s for your own good.
Capricorn
You just can’t catch a break, Cap. This week, your dog will pooh in your shoe
as a silent protest against the showers you insist upon taking with him.
Aquarius
Keep your eyes open this week. A rogue fruitcake will get in your way and
someone will get hurt. A real fruitcake, I’m not talking about a hate crime,
here.
Pisces
Your literary future is in jeopardy after you spend four years researching, only
to find that Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis were NOT shagging, and they did NOT
break up because Dino refused to be seen with Jerry after bow ties went out of
style. You’ll have to find another topic for your unauthorized biography.
Aries
A tall piece of work will beg to touch your feet. Resist temptation, I hear
she's a total ageist.
Taurus
Your dreams will come true when you finally find that one person who can
simultaneously unclog the sink and change a flat tire while singing "Would
You Like to Swing on a Star" and drinking a glass of water.
Gemini
A dollop of insult will be added to a quarter cup of injury and served warm on
toast.
Cancer
The subway is a dangerous place, especially when you are incurably irritating.
The next time you begin a conversation with a stranger, avoid talking about your
summer as a Disney intern. Chances are high that the next time you blather on
about how down-to-earth Cinderella is, an enraged religious fundamentalist will
rip out your heart and show it to you.
Leo
You always prayed to be an actress when you grew up, but when you find yourself
smiling blandly when you hand people their change every day, you will realize
that you should have been more specific.
Libra
It's back to the drawing board, child. Nobody wants to taste your new invention:
The Cheesecake Martini.
Scorpio
That recurring nightmare you've been haunted by, the one with the two-headed
rats and the worms with laser beams attached to their heads, you know the one,
it's not going to go away until you confront your past. Admit that you force fed
your sister's rat, Amos, worms stuffed with cayenne pepper immediately. Your
nightmares won't go away, but everyone will finally figure out what a dangerous
freak you are.
Sagittarius
You are the sweetest, nicest, most lovely person in the world. And Mademoiselle
Julie is not just saying this because her sign just happens to be Sagittarius.
Capricorn
Spring is right around the corner, Cap'n. Soon your depression will lift and you
can go back to hopping over worms on the sidewalk and sniffing tulips.
Aquarius
There is nothing in your future that could possibly cause you to be paranoid.
Seriously. Hearts and flowers, roses and perfume, polka dots and moonbeams,
you're good to go.
Aries
Your desk reflects your mind, body and soul. You should probably stop having sex
on it, but who am I to judge?
Taurus
You know, Taurus is "The Bull," which plays an important part in words
like bullshit, bullheaded, bull dyke, bullet, bullfrog, bulloney, bulletin,
bulliabase, bulloon, bull, bull, bull, it's not a word anymore, bullbullbullbull.
Gemini
Your weekly horoscope can be best described by a dramatic interpretation of a
scene from the Kevin Smith film, "Mallrats."
Brody: Ever slept with somebody ?
Gwen: Uh, yeah.
Brody:No, I mean really slept. With somebody, beside them, not just [expletive
deleted] them on a gaming table.
T.S., to Gwen: We slept together one time.
Gwen, to T.S.: That was you?
Gwen, to Brodie: Yes, brodie, I have slept beside many people.
Brody: You know how when someone lays with their back to you... And you lay
behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?
Gwen: It's called spooning.
Brody: Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it
or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above
your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that.
So I was constantly searching for some place to keep my arm while still laying
close to her.
Gwen: And?
Brody: What do you mean, "and?" That's like a metaphor for our whole
relationship.
Cancer
Remember when I used that joke about ordering crabs and God handing out the kind
you didn't order?
Ya just didn't listen.
Leo
A life lived in fear is a life better lived under a rock or on an island without
any spiders. Did you know Rod Stewart has an album of old jazz standards? Oooh
Navy Seals! You must be thinking, Mademoiselle, you talkin' crazy, you not makin'
sense. Or am I making so much sense that you just can't wrap your mind around
it? Mais, oui. Mademoiselle has spoken.
Virgo
This week, your new girlfriend will dump you for spelling misspelled
incorrectly.
Libra
It turns out that my aunt Maude has been wrong for sixty years, sometimes they
DO buy the cow when they get the milk for free. Just kidding! And what does my
aunt Maude know? She slept next to a cross-dressing philatelist for fifty years.
Scorpio
May your belly button fill with festering pus until dogs follow you around.
Sagittarius
Don't bid on that giant door poster of the dwarf porn star Bridget the Midget,
you'll win one in a radio contest next week, and what on earth would you do with
two of them?
Capricorn
The phrase "It sucks to be you" was invented with you in mind.
Aquarius
Get to work on those muttonchop sideburns, chicks dig 'em.
Pisces
My uncle went to a pet store and bought a cat, and about six hours later he had
to go to the emergency room because he got the cat stuck in his ass. A week
later, he goes back to the same store and buys ANOTHER cat. Same results. About
the fourth trip to the store, I said, "Dude, Why are you buying another
cat? You know you'll just get it stuck in your ass again!" And my uncle
said, "Yes, but how else am I gonna get the gerbil out?"
Good day, children. Mademoiselle speaks to you this week from her time-share
condo in Hawaii where she shares a bathroom and a futon with her two best
friends, Rufus and Howard. This week’s horoscopes are brought to you by
Sonya Fitzpatrick, who introduced me to the rewarding and profitable world of
pet clairvoyance.
P.S. Thanks to several complaints from the NRA (the National Rodent
Association) this will be the last time the word “gerbil” will appear on
this website. I am sorry for damaging the reputation of this adorable rodent.
Now get off my back, ya felching perverts.
Aries
Jamaica is constantly plagued by the fear that someone will learn her deep,
dark secret: She's spent years in a bookstore, yet she never learned how to
read.
Taurus
Kiera’s voice is coming to me loud and clear, Taurus. She is begging me to
tell you to stop torturing her with that stupid laser pointer. While you think
it’s hilarious when she runs around dervish-like, it’s really getting on
her nerves. Just because she can’t resist chasing the spot on the floor
doesn’t mean she enjoys it.
Gemini
I have two questions for you, Gem. One, why did you think that a monitor
lizard would be thrilled to live in your studio loft? And two, Yes, William
Wegman makes a lot of money dressing up his Weimaraners, but what on earth
made you think that the public would buy photographs of Dweezil dressed in
angora sweaters and berets?
Cancer
Gertrude is horrified when you constantly joke to your friends about taking up
a collection for her face lift surgery. Sharpeis are sensitive souls, please
be more considerate!
Leo
The uber-dyke down vest is perfect for Princess Bruiser, she wants another one
in lavender. Oh, and she says she agrees with you on the position of her
turtleneck collar.
Virgo
Virgo, you dumbass, the butterfly did not eat your pet worm.
Libra
Bubba wants to get back to his roots in honor of Black History Month. He
requests that you only speak to him in Snoop Dog-ese and bring him a nightly
cat nip'n juice and a 40. And he needs a new bitch, Evie's gettin' on his
dayum nerves.
Scorpio
Buffy, your sugar glider, screams like that because she is upset. She isn’t
“singing” because you shine the flashlight in her cage during the day.
Sagittarius
You will soon receive a refugee kitten in your home. You might want to
purchase a separate pair of scissors; you probably won’t want to use your
good ones on anything else after you trim Evie’s butt fur with them.
Capricorn
Keep an eye on your dog this week. She might hang herself at the prospect of
living alone with you.
Aquarius
Your partner will find you making out with the cat and she will shave your
head in your sleep in a jealous fury. The cat totally digs you, though.
Pisces
I must say, you’re a total cliché, but your fancy angelfish Oscar,
Donatella, and Ralph want you to stop leaving Iron Chef on while you’re out
on Friday nights. The sushi battle gives them nightmares.
Send Mademoiselle pictures of your pets and she will give you a complete fake
psychological profile for your loved ones!!! Send the pictures to Mademoiselle
Julie
March 11, 2003 - March 18, 2003
HOLY SHIT! SHE UPDATED THE HOROSCOPES!!!!
Aries
Woe is you, Aries, woe is you. The latest crime spree has got you down, but Mademoiselle Julie forsees reprieve just on the horizon when the Central West End neighborhood society authorizes all store owners to equip employees with 200 gigawatt stun guns previously tested only on elephants.
Taurus
Baseball is a sport, I guess, but so's golf. The difference between the two is that, to date, there is no Annika Sorenstam in baseball, just a bunch of short ugly guys who weren't big enough for football or gay enough for wrestling.
Gemini My Gemini lovelies, this week will prove an excellent opportunity to bask in the sun and dance in the rain. Either way, wear your rubbers.
Cancer Mademoiselle loves a parade, but march carefully, Cancer. Parades = Clowns.
Leo
Love is on the horizon, but you won't recognize it because it will be in disguise. Your Harlequin romance novel is titled, "Love Wore a Mullet."
Virgo
Not only does everyone know you're gay, but they heard about your pooh fetish, too, diaper woman.
Libra What's in a name? Pete Rose, by any other name, still smells of sweat.
Scorpio Stay with us, Scorpio. I know the brink seems inviting, to end it all now would be like not waiting for the hidden track at the end of Alanis Morisette's "Jagged Little Pill" album. Mr. Rogers was dear to all of us, but you must go on living. Don't worry, I will be your neighbor.
Sagittarius Mademoiselle is pissed that she did not have a chance to predict your success. Next time, run these things by me first.
Capricorn
May ten infamous girl scouts set fire to lime jello while polishing your eye socket. (Random insult generated by five Arabic men who speak very little English, "We no speak english so nice so some of these make no sense perfectly. We many sorries.") This is still funny, I ain't changing it.
Aquarius You are surrounded by people who love you unconditionally. You are in your prime. You're a total stud. Pardon me while I swoon.
Pisces
Your campaign to eliminate the word "French" from your vocabulary is really frickin' annoying. Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast was cute, I guess, but Freedom Kissing is just stupid. Leave the cheese eating surrender monkeys alone. It takes a lot more bravery to shun a nation of self-important, nationalism-drunken red-neck assholes than to start a stupid war.
