Mademoiselle Julie’s Guide to the Zodiac




July 8, 2003 - July 15 2003






Good day, my faithful followers! Mademoiselle weeps that no one even bitches anymore about the lack of updates, but she will survive.





Aries
You will receive a letter from your secret crush, but it will not be who you think it is.


Taurus
Thank you for the beautiful card, Tau. Your conscientiousness is only surpassed by your inebriation. I forgive you for spray painting my cat purple. I know, tequila is a fickle mistress.



Gemini
You're a mess, Gemini. Your idea to commit suicide by severing your penis and sitting in a bathtub full of epsom salts and listening to "All Things Considered" on NPR is just plain silly. The Diane Rehms show would be much more appropriate!



Cancer
I watched a riveting race on the 7-11 parking lot last week between a large man on a small bicycle and a woman in an electric wheelchair. I could almost see her white knuckles on the joystick, her determination was that fierce. Sure, she lost, and by quite a distance, but she didn't give up. Remember that.


Leo
I guess you're going to have to change your theme movie from "Legally Blonde" to "Sweet Home Alabama"!


Virgo
Your physical bruises have healed after your attack at Barnes and Noble during the Harry Potter party, but your ego is still very sore.


Libra
It's two o'clock. Do you know where your cat is?


Scorpio
Stop clicking on the "What's your favorite color" banner. Each time you do it, a Ron Popeil food dehydrator is charged on your credit card.



Sagittarius
When I was 21, a friend of mine rented a porno that was nothing but this man who has sex with produce. He carves a hole in a cantaloupe or honeydew and goes at it. I remember thinking, I'm only 21, soon this scene will be blocked out by images far stranger and more exotic, but I can honestly say, watching that guy get his pecker stuck in a watermelon because he made the hole too small, that's still the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.


Capricorn
Stop staring at me.


Aquarius
A wise boy once said, "With enough lube, all things are possible."


Pisces
A frantic phone call from an old friend will reveal good fortune. You may have already won two million dollars!




Please visit the only privately owned bookstore in St. Louis!!!! I hear the government is monitoring every Barnes and Noble and Borders in America. They have no spies in Left Bank Books!