I'm sorry if I may offend anyone with any of the jokes that I have in here.

Feathered Attitude Adjustment

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude.
Jon in desperation,
threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then, suddenly there was total quiet,
not a peep was heard.
Fearing that he hurt the parrot,
Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions.
I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
but the bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

Subject: Today's Chuckle

Up at the head table in the Catholic school cafeteria,
one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples.
Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read,
"Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies,
still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read,
"Take all you want.
God's watching the apples."

Bear in the Woods

As an atheist walked through the forest,
he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said,
"What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."

Just then he heard a rustling near the river.
He went to investigate
and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him.
The man took off like a shot,
and when he got up the courage to look back,
he saw the bear was catching up fast.

He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace,
but he tripped and crashed to the ground.
As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest
and picked up one paw to whack him.

The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"

Time stopped! The bear froze.
The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man,
a voice boomed from the heavens,

"You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light,
"It would be hypocritical of me
to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out, the river ran again,
and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw,
brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive,
I am truly thankful."