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February 15, 2004

10:31 pm - Shitty

Do you ever find yourself really really trying to figure out who you are? Why is this so hard for me? Maybe i'm just depressed. i can't even focus anymore. i havent been able to focus at school and at dance. at home i just dont even pay attention to wahts going on, i zone out. school has been pretty boring lately, and i'm failing two of my classes...yay! well, i went to sweethearts on saturday. it was a lot of fun, even tho my date didnt really dance w/ me...and now is at school saying stuff about the dance. wow, what a great guy. not.

so yah, it took me like 2 months to get motivated enough to finish this website. lol. and its not even that great hahaha...o well. it will do. i think i've really lost what i used to be. i just dont care anymore, and i wish i did. how many times can u be hurt emotionally to make your soul go numb? how come i have no feelings toward anything anymore? how come i can't cry and can't even have fun anymore. i have no emotion. i am drained, and i dont know why, none has been let out.

i can't even really trust anyone anymore. my two best friends will tell whatever i tell them. one will go and tell her boyfriend, and the other will tell anyone as long as it makes her look good. what has happened to everything? i can't trust anyone enough to have a relationship beyond friendship.

i think i just need to stop, and give up. take a break. i'm almost 16, and i dont even really know what my favorite color is, i've never had a boyfriend, and i've barely been kissed. i need someone to trust. someone that will let me be who i am, completely. well, whoever you are, i love you, come find me! i have all this emotion bottled up, and it just wont come out. not one tear or anything. i can feel it, the knots its creating in my soul and my character. god, please come untangled! please let me go...

dancing wont even save me anymore. i have gone completely blank inside. no emotion, and no remorse for anything. i've been told that people look up to me for my "who gives a shit attitude." try living with it. i didnt choose it, it was a burden laid upon me. so many things have happened in my life that so many of you dont know about. so many things that have changed me so much, i dont recognize myself anymore. was i suppose to turn out this way? did i mess up again?

so, i try to help a friend, who i really care about, by trying to keep him from drugs. i dont really give a shit if its annoying, get your ass back into control. if some of you are mad at me, what would u have done for me if it was me in that situation? would u just sit back and let me screw everything up for myself? every opportunity? i would really hope you care enough to take care of me.

cry for me, and sulk for me...cause i can't do it for myself right now.

10:46 ...marissa.

December 15th, 2003

12:27 pm - Shit

shit. its almost 12:30! ive been working on this website way too long. well at least i almost have it finished. the pic on the left is a pic of the cure <3. so yes, a tribute to a great band as well as a great decade, the 80s. haha, wow i'm way kewl eh? i'm so bored with everything! i need a boyfriend dammit, i'm sick of this single crap. I feel like jack in the box, i'm hungry.

haha, i'm watching conan o brien and this band - my morning jacket - is playing and the singer and bassist is covering his face with his long hair. maybe hes trying to hide his face? how sad. damn, i have to wake up in like 5 hours.

i put all the entries that i had in my blurty journal and put em in here...just so i actually had some stuff in this blog thingie.

Christmas is in like a week! my mom is pissed at me cause she'll be shopping for clothes for me for presents or something, and she'll have me look it up on the net to see if i like it, and i dont so she throws a fit and tells me i'm not getting anything for xmas. o mommy, your o so funny. ive decided i want all 80s clothes, and i want to convert my entire wardrobe into 80s stuff, just cause its hot me at least :-P.

well my friends, im soo freakin tired. so i am off to lay in my bed for another half hour before i can sleep!

if anyone was wondering, what i want most for xmas is the last season of THE WONDER YEARS on vhs, not dvd, VHS so i can watch it in my room...unless you wanna buy me a dvd player, because that would be perfect hehe.

well dont worry, i'm through boring you, only because i'm tired tho...haha

12:38 pm. ...marissa

Monday, November 10th, 2003

10:47 am - wounded.

Why wont this wound heal. Why did this wound pick me? My wound gets deeper daily. I'm just dying to be free.

from God i need a miracle. someone to sew me up. so come and suck the pain away, cause i'm not ready to grow up.

but wound dont leave my body, and never lie on someone else. i wish this pain on no one. no one should know the pain i've felt.

my wound will heal me someday. but behind it will leave a scar. a memory of bleeding and hopes shattered, bent, and jarred.

current mood: numb

current music: Cirque Du Solieil: Let Me Fall

Wednesday, November 5th, 2003

10:18 am - david's profile makes me cry I have sat here, just thinking about you,You have been on my mind for a long time. You are the one that makes me smile, even before i met you.You make me think of what a good thing is.I want to look you in the eyes,Hold you and tell you everything is fine.I wish for the warmth of ur eyes as they peer into my soul,As the warmth of your heart melts with mine.As i hold you in my arms, and you hold me,The day that happens i am the happiest man.My breathe will catch, my heart will skip,My eyes will flutter, my feet will feel like dancing.Oh, How i wait for you day in and day out... i love you.

Yeah that is to the future girl that makes my heart jump for joy that she has been in my life, and that she is still there. Wow, i cannot wait for the day i get to look into a girls eyes and i see that she loves me just as much as i love her. The day i get to hold her not becuase i can, but because i love her so much i don't want to let go. Someday a girl will see that i am a guy someone wants to be with, she will want to be with me just as much as i want to be with her. O the day will come soon, when the girls loves me enough to say hey david... i love you, i want to have you in my arms. Oh... those will be the days i cherish, the days that show that i truly love her.... I cannot wait for you....
~ david s.

david thats so pretty!

school is getting boring. someone make it more exciting for me

current mood: bored

current music: little mermaid: part of your world

October 31st, 2003

11:28 am - yay its halloween!

i had my long dance night yesterday. 3:30-9. i need sleep! i went to the ataris and vendetta red concert on wednesday. yay! it was so fun. i met zach from vendetta red :-D. he was tryin to pick up my aunt at the bar so i went and introduced myself. hehe. i gotta feel his hair woo! he signed my arm and my ticket. then we stayed and danced afterwards till 11. y a y. everyone was really emotional yesterday at dance. not only cause my dance teacher is pregnant so she's emotional. but yesterday during our ballet dance mikianna started crying. and that almost made me cry. i never realized how important the team was to a lot of the girls. sarah especially. wow. you motivate me. hailey (lil one) i love you to death! you should come back i could never hate you NEVER EVER EVER EVER! you made a lot of the team! i love you so much! zaundra i'm glad your back now. haha even tho your still on house arrest! at least they didnt take dance away.....!

<3 you

current mood: drained

current music: The music from Zakmes last year! (dance girls understand)

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

10:40 pm - w0w

wow...i cant believe it. our team is so small. it will never be like last year. everything has changed. I got to go back to dance last night, but tonight was my first night back for my team practice. god it felt good. :D. zaundra i love you so much, it will be ok. our team won't be the same w/out you. i never noticed how close our team was. its so cool. we were all crying on each others shoulders and wiping tears off each others cheeks. my dance saves me. i couldnt go to school everyday, or even wake up and watch tv if i didnt have dance. it gives me most of my happiness. it gives me my self confidence. its basically my life. have u ever seen someone who absolutely loves dance more than anything? look in their eyes, you can see so much emotion. sometimes i have to look away because of what it exposes to me. its so cool. all of us are there because we love it so much. sometimes i want to quit though. all because of the drama. at first i didnt want to do it again next year, but now i dont know. when i dance w/ them i feel connected to all of them. we're all so different but all brought together when we dance. no one can understand what i'm talking about unless you dance. zaundra i love you so much! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3!

i've decided i need to be more outgoing...i'll see how that goes.

current mood: flirty

current music: Jann Arden: Hanging by a Thread

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

11:05 pm - ...i remember

Today when i was sitting watching the girls on my team do our dance in ballet (cause of my neck), i remembered exactly why i love to dance. I saw the passion inside them. I could feel it and i was just watching. I saw how possesed by the music they were just by looking in their eyes. It was amazing. You could have cut the air w/ a knife in that studio. We're gonna kick some major ass w/ this dance. YAY. I was gettin chills... I love dances where you can feel the music fill your body. Thats why I do it. It's my release from everyday crap. It makes me forget what happens at school, or the fights that all of us get in at dance. I remember last year at a competition we did, we did this dance called "Blame the Moon." We all did this really weird jump to get onto the stage, after 3 girls on my team did little solos. I remember me jumping onto the stage and feeling my body get filled w/ something. I dont know how to describe it, but I wanted to cry and laugh like crazy at the same time. That feeling makes me so thankful to be alive. People ask me why all I do is dance, and why I dance so much. They don't understand. I love it.

look at one of our dances from last year!

Let me fall: Click Here to See Pix!

current mood: ecstatic

current music: Beth Hart: Hidden under Water

Sunday, October 5th, 2003

10:45 pm - wow

i can only trust like 2 people.... i think i tell too much too fast. i need to learn when to quit. i tell things to people that i think i can trust, and they go and tell the person they arent suppose to tell... why are people so RUDE!? ahhh....

o-- and i got yelled at last night for something i didnt do. i have a project due and my partner who got put w/ me because the other girl left wont help me do ANYTHING! life is great

current mood: bitchy

current music: Johnny Cash: Hurt

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

5:50 pm - i'm so confused...

I dont understand

girls are bitches....

Why are things the way they are? Why are some people treated the way they are? I dont understand how girls can be such bitches, laugh about it in someones face, and then brag about it to other people. What kind of satisfaction can they get out of that? Why can't some people take a joke? Why cant some people ever joke around?......ahh i'm so confused!

Why do some people have great lives? When others struggle their entire lives? I was talking to this guy in my biology class.... he was so depressed. He was telling me how his family barely has anything. and all he wants is for his family to have something of value before they die. i tried to explain to him how it would get better, but he wouldnt listen.

i didnt know what to tell him.

Then, i was talking to this one guy, whos family is loaded with money. He will never know what its like to struggle like this guy did. He will never know what its like to go without something he wants. other people deserve more.

newayz...i'm done going off about that...

i've been in a weird mood lately. I think the accident i was in really changed me. I didnt realize how fast you could die. or how easy your entire life could be ruined because of one persons mistake. I will never take my life for granted again. I didnt realize i was until wednesday. everythings happened so fast, its hard to take it all in. i feel bad when i complain about my neck, because the guy that was on the motorcycle is in so much more pain than i am. i'm afraid to get in a car now. i cant get the pictures out of my head. all i remember is looking over to the shattered window and looking at the light in the road. the guy in the road. the lady jumping out of her car to dial 911. i remember people starting to gather around the motorcyclist to check it out. i remember my mom screaming ''oh my god.'' I remember the police cars driving up to the scene. I remember me making sure i would always remember it, i didnt want to forget. When i was being pulled into the ambulance i remember looking up at the white roof and the round lights, and wanting to remember exactly how it looked. I remember wanting a picture of me on the stretcher with the neck brace, the pads around my head, and the oxygen cords going up to my nose. After i got all my x-rays i remember looking behind me and seeing the motorcycler's family scared and crying. All i could do was cry. I didn't know what else to do. I was so shook up. I still am. I had to be strapped down the hard-board and stretcher because i was so shook up.

I will never be the same.

current mood: confused

current music: Brand New: "Okay I believe you, but my Tommy Gun don't"