I'm going to take some time to tell you a litte bit about myself.
My name is Anna. I'm 16 years old and I'm a sophmore in high
school. I have 2 siblings; a brother (20) and a sister (14). My parents
are from Poland. They came to America as political refugees in 1987,
(At that time, Poland was governed by communists and my parents
[mainly my dad] among others were against communism and were
involved in the anti-communist movement. They helped people in
need, published and distributed literature "underground" to support
their cause. My father even served jailtime. But this opens up a whole
other story.) on July 3 of that same year, I was born in Ohio.
I was raised Catholic, baptised as a baby. When I was 5 I attended
kindergarten at a Catholic school. Even though I said I believed in
God when I was a little child, it was more of something I was born
into. I remember saying, "If God is real, then i want a dog right
NOW!" I also remember having a tremendous fear of death. When I
was around 8, I would cry at night and call my parents to my room,
and tell them I didn't wanna ever die. It usually took them a while to
calm me down.
A few months before my 7th birthday, my family returned to Poland.
. I quickly adjusted to the new "setting", went to school and made
friends. I have many memories, good and bad, from that time period
of my life. In second grade I received the Sacrament of First
Communion. Though I didn't exactly understand it most of the time,
Church still always seemed sort of a "Sacred" place to me...it's kind of
hard to describe. But then there were times when I attended Church
simply because I "had" to. But overall, I thought I had a pretty good
life; surrounded by lots of friends and family. All that was about to
change.
When I was about 9, my brother almost got expelled from school. And
my dad wanted to go back to his job in the US. He did, and he took
my brother with him, thinking he could give him a "fresh start". All
this while my mom, my sister and I stayed in Poland. This wasn't for
long; shortly before I finished grade 3 in 1997, we moved back to live
with my dad and brother in Ohio. It was difficult to adjust to a new
language, a new country, and new people...again. But we did. The
first year was the toughest. I knew no one. I don't know if I knew 5
words of English. But I made friends surpisingly easily, and within
months was pretty much speaking fluent English. I finished up
Elementary school and entered Junior High.
Grade 7 was a pretty big year for me, as far as my faith goes. I got
friendly with a girl named Christine (I had known her for years, but
this is when we got close). She started a bible study at school, and I
decided I should go. The group was pretty successful (at first). At the
same time I was learning a lot about God and my faith. Shortly after
Christine brought me to her youth group (I should add she's
protestant...at the time I wasn't too aware of all the divisions of
Christianity...I never thought of Christianity as being divided. More
like united; Christians believe in Jesus, and love Him, and eachother,
and that's it. Wouldn't that be easy? If we all had the faith of a kid!)
Well in this youth group I started to learn about all these things I
never even had heard of before. It was fun, sure! We did cool things.
But they taught me different things, and I was torn, between my
beliefs and theirs. I started to question Catholicism, and the youth
pastor often put it down (I'm not sure that he knew I was a Catholic
and I'm sure he meant no harm). He would say "they" are idol
worshippers and worship Mary and Saints (both untrue, we honor
Mary, and ask for her intercession. And we honor the saints. But at
the time, I didn't know a whole lot, so I ate up every word they said).
I got into the whole protestant thing. I started to listen to Christian
music...I would hear of nothing else! I was "born again". People
started telling me since I'm a Christian, I need to go spread the word
to others and convert people. I though "ok that's cool", you know. I
went online and I went to some Jewish site. I'm like "oh they need
some preaching, they don't believe in Jesus" so I went there...BIG
mistake. lol...well I laugh now but it was anything but a laughing
matter at the time. I hung around there for like 6 months or so...they
constantly criticized me and my message, and basically didn't want
me there. They called me anything from "no good Christian" to "Blood
sucking missionary". But, I thought if they know what's good for
them, they'll listen to me eventually! And even though I was CLEARLY
not welcome, I continued to do what I thought was the "Will of God".
Eventually I got sick of them because no matter what I said (I started
doing some research and believe me I had some pretty convincing
arguments...it was like debate class live lol) they just seemed to
hate me more. So I'm like "ok...I'm done here"
I continued to go to youth group...(no one in my family to this day
has any idea about most of this and how it changed me, and how I
seriously questioned Catholicism. I told them youth group was fun,
and that's it.) Catholic Church on Sunday, protestant youth group on
wednesday, but after a while less and less youth group...I didn't have
time and it wasn't that fun anymore. The group started to change,
less people came, the youth leader left...another came. It actually
became boring. It's like it died. I didn't know why, I still wanted to go
and nothing had changed within me or my faith. I continued going
there every once in a WHILE (like 6 month intervals!) up until even
this year, but it didn't mean a whole lot.
In 8th grade I slowly started slipping away from God, and between
then and a short while ago, I was completely gone. I got popular,
started listening to my "old" music again (mostly rap, some rock),
cussed every other word, became obsessed with body image and
weight, (there's a story in that alone that I won't get into) started
hooking up with guys (for a while I was dating a druggie.) and once in
a while I'd drink. God RARELY crossed my mind. I was selfish,
arrogant, mean, and bitchy, and all I basically wanted was to have a
good time. Sometimes I would think, "you know maybe I need to be
thinkin about God again..." but forget it! I still went to Church but it
basically meant nothing. It was more of just going to socialize and
wear cute clothes. I was far out there...and the scary thing is, I
didn't care. At all.
My sister had developed an eating disorder a while before, that was
getting completely out of hand. First she was anorexic, then bulimic. I
don't want to and won't begin to describe what everyone in my family
went through as a result.
In May of this year I had to be Confirmed, into the Catholic Church.
This is called the Sacrament of Confirmation. It's where the Holy
Spirit supposedly comes down on you or something. So I got
confirmed. That night something very strange came over me. I went
up to my sisters bed, and we started talking. I started telling her
about God and how much He loves her. Despite everything she had
done. I talked to her for a while. She was in my arms crying towards
the end. I didn't think about it at the time, but afterwards I started
thinking. I realized I had no idea what I was saying to Margaret. And
I had no idea why I even went up into her bed in the first place. The
words I used seemed to be not my own. I know they
weren't...because before that day, I already previously described how
I was. Anything but Godly. And God was the last thing I thought
about, let alone talked about! Even in my days of going to youth
group, I never truly ministered to anyone like that. It in a way scared
me, because I didn't know what was happening! I quickly got my mom
up out of bed (it was around 2am!) and told her everything. She just
smiled, and told me God has used me. The whole thing was very
powerful.
One time I came upon the page http://www.tlig.org/ . I visited this
page in the past, but stopped after a while. And completely forgot
about it and dismissed it. TLIG stands for the True Life in God
Ministries. There is a woman by the name of Vassula Ryden, the site
claims that since 1986 she has been receiving messages from Jesus
that have been translated into 40 languages, has visions of Jesus,
heals people, travels around the world and tells people about God,
and receives no money for it. I thought well this is just a load of...
but I read on anyway...it was interesting; unlike anything I read
before. I read those messages, even though I was 100% skeptical.
But after a while I began to be less and less so. There was just
nothing negative in the messages. It's all about God and how much
He loves each and every one of us, and how we need to return to
Him. She would have to be pretty...determined to "fake" something
like this for 16 years, get no money for it and receive criticizm from
people. Why would she do this? Before everything started, she was a
model, tennis player, and regular house wife. Why give that all up
and make believe some messages? Also some seem to think they're
from satan. Ok...Satan HATES God. Why would he bring so many
people to Him in repentance, when his mission is the exact opposite?
I don't know but EVENTUALLY (believe me it took a while) I was
convinced the messages were real. I got so close to God through
them. I have a peace that I haven't felt in so long. I am constantly
thinking about God now, constantly praying you could say. And
changing everyday. My faith is growing. I am no longer questioning
my faith, at all. I know a lot of you are reading this thinking I'm
f****** crazy, or that I've been misled by satan, or whatever else.
But I know who I am. I am 100% Catholic, and I deeply believe in
what I practice. It took me a while to come around. But after
everything, I did. And I'm again close to God. I'm happy to be like
this, and no one can or has discouraged me...my faith has been built
so many times stronger, and gets stronger with every day that goes
by. And I thank God for that. Because He is the only One responsible!
