Why wait until marriage to have sex?

We arrived at this choice for many different reasons. One of the most compelling of these is that many, many women bond during sex – and sex affects us differently than it affects men. We found it difficult and painful to be sexual with someone who has not pledged permanent commitment; we were tired of sleeping with someone only to return to our empty apartment or watch them walk out the door and wonder if and when they would return. Some felt it was fundamentally unfair to ourselves to provide men with all the excitement of sex when they were not sure if they wanted to provide us with the security of marriage. Also, with sex often comes the expectation of exclusivity – so we would put our dating lives on hold for a man in an exclusive relationship, thus reducing our chances of finding commitment, even while we weren’t sure if he would ever permanently commit. Sometimes ‘sex haze’ would take over and we would find ourselves bonded to a man that we weren’t sure was right for us. We felt insecure about the possibility of birth control failure – were we willing to be single mothers or have an adoption or abortion? We got tired of never really knowing if he was with us out of sincere love or for the great sex. We also got tired of the expectation of and emphasis on sex in dating relationships. Breakups of relationships were much more painful after we had had sex. Many women who are virgins looked at the sadness and angst that was going on in the world of ‘sexual freedom’ and decided that they would treasure their virginity rather than view it as a burden to be removed. Other women relate the experience of having a man say “there’s nothing wrong with this…after all we are going to get married” from a guy who did not subsequently propose. Many women who are virgins view their virginity as a special gift that they are reserving for marriage.

What kind of women wait – do you have to be religious?

You don’t have to be religious to want to wait until marriage, though many of us are. Waiting until marriage does fit in with the principles of many religions, and some women do it for that reason alone. However, many women do it for practical reasons (see above.)

What are the benefits of waiting?

When you’re waiting until marriage, you are much more sure that the man you’re dating is marriage-minded, this stance automatically weeds out those who would use you for sex. Many women said that they experienced an unexpectedly new and more satisfying type of love with men who were willing to postpone sex in order to be with them. There is no risk of contracting any STD’s or having an unwanted pregnancy. With sex out of the picture, the intellectual, emotional and spiritual compatibility question comes to the forefront and helps us to choose a better and more compatible husband. It also enhances our self-esteem and self respect. We can take the dating game a little more lightly and find that this choice helps us to keep things in perspective. We find that we are not bitter towards men, we have more positive feelings about them. A nice side effect of waiting is that the man tends to be more decisive about marriage, and engagements are shorter. Women who wait until marriage rarely hear a man say that he’s ‘confused’ or ‘scared’ about commitment.

What kind of men support this choice? What sort of men choose to marry WUMTHS women?

Men who know that they are ready for marriage. Men who are able to control their physical urges, men who are willing to sacrifice part of their own pleasure in order to accomodate their partner, men who are capable of valuing the emotional well-being and spiritual values of a woman they love more than they value their own comfort.

What are the disadvantages?

This choice goes against the grain of much of society today. It is no longer the norm that one waits, it is often the exception. Some people will accuse us of being prudes. Some people interpret our decision to wait as an innate criticism of their choice not to wait, and attribute intolerant attitudes to us that we do not have. Some people simply do not accept this as a reasonable choice and are offended by the very idea of it. We found that after we made this choice, we naturally gravitated towards other people who shared our values, but it was painful to let go of old relationships when we found they were very hostile to us.

Is waiting until marriage part of the Rules?

No. The Rules say that you can sleep with a man after the fourth date. The Rules also suggest that after sex, you either leave first thing in the morning, or if you are at your own place, to go about your business and not try to extend the date with say, an offer for breakfast. Some of us found it hard or impossible to do the Rules after sex – it was extraordinarily difficult to feign indifference or not obsess over whether the relationship was leading to marriage after we had become so vulnerable in the sex act. Many people feel that waiting to have sex is well within the spirit if not the actual letter of the Rules – how will the man ever perceive you as mysterious when you have shared such intimacy with him? Especially after 4 dates – the equivalent of 12 or so hours spent with a man. For those of us who put a very high value on sex, how can we feel that we are holding back a little, giving him less than what he gives us, after sexual passion and intimacy?

How and when do you let a man know that you are waiting?

We let the men bring up the topic of sex. It might be a little presumptuous to say in the middle of dinner "Oh, I’m waiting until marriage to have sex." We shouldn’t assume that all men are scheming to get casual sex – announcing this unexpectedly could be construed as assuming he has bad intentions. The Rules say we should let him know if we are waiting. If he brings up the topic of sex, that would be the best time to tell him. It requires saying the dreaded ‘M’ word, so make sure to phrase it in a way that makes it clear that you are not presuming that you will marry him! "I’m saving that for my future husband" or “I’m not comfortable doing that with someone I’m only dating” are good phrases to use. The worst thing you can do is tell him you are waiting until marriage and then not stick with it – so be sure of your choice. If you backtrack after announcing you are waiting you will lose more ground than if you had never said anything at all. By all means, say that you are waiting with self-assurance and confidence; you should be proud of your choice, not defensive. Men understand this better than you may realize now, so don’t seem worried. And don’t let him debate with you about it – this is YOUR choice. If he doesn’t like/doesn’t agree with this choice he is free to do differently – with someone else.

How do you fend off/deal with men’s physical advances?

The best way is to head them off before they happen. This means not inviting him up to your place after a date and not going to his. Sleepovers or weekend trips can be very dangerous – many women found that they gave into the pressure to have sex under these conditions and regretted it later. If you do want to spend some time on the couch with him, it’s best to let him know before things get too hot and heavy what your boundaries are- i.e.; "I’m willing to go to first/second base, but if you try to steal third I’ll have to leave." Decide what your boundaries are beforehand or you may end up having them decided for you. Do not allow him to debate your boundaries – this is your choice about your body. If he tries to argue, you can end the conversation in a polite and feminine way, it’s often recommended that you either get distracted, change the subject, or simply leave/hang up the phone.

How do men usually react to this? Aren’t we afraid we’ll lose a good man if we don’t have sex?

The actual experience of the posters here is that men became more attentive and loving after learning of our decision. Besides, who wants to be controlled by fear? Or, why not fear ending up married to someone who wouldn't have loved you enough to have waited if that's what you want? Although men might say that they don’t want to wait, the reality is that they often will wait, for the right person. We also found that some of the men who had chosen to leave as the result of this decision returned, after thinking about it. At any rate, we are secure about our choice and are prepared to let a man walk away if he wants to put his needs before ours by insisting on sex. We are prepared to let him leave if necessary. A man who would reject us based on our decision to reserve sex for marriage may well have had questionable intentions towards us. Better to have him leave us before sex than after.

Is it manipulative to wait until marriage?

On occasion, people have noted the extraordinary effect that this choice has on relationships – quicker engagements and men’s greater eagerness to commit – and decided to do this strictly as an extremely effective ploy to get married. We feel that this decision should come from self-respect and conviction rather than as a manipulation or power play.

Can I go WUMTHS in mid stream?

It is difficult but not impossible to stop having sex in a relationship that has been sexual. One must be ready to accept the possible ending of the relationship. Men often feel deprived and manipulated when sex ends. It’s important to present this to the man as something you need to do for your needs, and not a punishment or an ultimatum. Patricia Allen’s Getting to I Do is a must-read – there is an entire chapter about this type of situation.

Is it true that men need sex in order to bond?

This is something that is popularly believed, but we suspect it isn’t true, having seen the many proposals and marriages that resulted on this board. So many cultures and religions support the idea of waiting, and this was once the normal, expected thing. Yet men were still able to marry under those circumstances. We suggest you rely on your own experience and observation. Compare the amount of marriages that occur between waiters and non-waiters and decide for yourself. Anyway, it is everyone’s right to decide to pursue a sexual relationship with a willing partner – you have just as much right to require marriage in order to bond as he does to require sex.

Are women who want to wait not as enthusiastic about sex as people who don’t wait?

For many of us, sex has to be an "all or nothing" situation precisely because we are extremely passionate. The fact that sex cannot be casual for us is an indication that we are more, not less sensual. If we disliked sex, we probably wouldn’t bond so easily because of it. Some of us came to this choice after the painful breakup of an intense passionate affair. Boring or bad sex generally doesn’t lead people to want to protect their emotions by waiting until marriage, or make them think of sex as something special or sacred.

What about the ‘try before you buy’ theory?

People manage to buy houses, take jobs, and have children without testing them out for several years to see if they work. Also, there is some doubt as to the sincerity of someone who says "I love you almost enough to marry you, I just have to see how you perform first." Yes, there is a risk that someone could have a physical inability or lack the skill to please us, to the point where it couldn’t be worked out. We feel that the many risks of pre-marital sex outweigh this small risk. Generally, if two people have ‘chemistry’ together and there are no physical problems, it is unlikely that there will be an unsolvable sexual problem between them. Certainly people who have physical problems, or have incredibly specific needs, or unusual fetishes would be expected to discuss this with you rather than risk marriage to someone who will not be pleased by them sexually. WUMTHS is not a risk-free option, it’s more like trading one set of risks (STD, unwanted pregnancy, emotional harm) for another risk (sexual incompatibility.) It is well worth noting that in the WUMTHS scenario, both partners bear the risk equally – unlike premarital sex where the risks are borne by the woman.

If I’m not a virgin, will a man be angry if I don’t want to have sex with him? Doesn’t that automatically mean he will expect sex – "after all you let your ex-boyfriend…"

If a guy is not a virgin, it’s pretty unfair of him to expect you to be one. You have the right to not have sex with anyone! Just because you had sex in the past does not obligate you to any man! If a man interrogates you about the details of your sexual past, this is a red flag. Of course we should be honest, and tell a man if we are not a virgin, but that doesn’t mean he needs to know every who, what, where, when and how. Are you really interested in hearing a blow-by-blow description of his sexual past? If not then why would you tell him every detail of yours? Having sex that you don’t want to have so that a man doesn’t feel slighted is the ultimate in ignoring your needs in favor of his. The past is the past, there is no reason why you have to let it determine your choices today. You are free to make whatever choices are best for you at any time.