You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines (yay weasels!)
I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.
I think animal testing is a bad idea; they get all nervous, and give the wrong answers
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain
Well, aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
Give me immortality or give me death!
I got a fortune cookie once that said "You like Chinese food."
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I'm thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Go...you are depriving some village of its idiot.
You should always write your name on your underwear. See, I'm Machine Wash Cold.
It is much more comfortable to be crazy and know it, than to be sane and have doubts.
I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest. Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You'll see.
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree that I'm sane.
One by one, the penguins steal my sanity.
I'm sane. The therapist even said so... And I didn't even have to threaten her...
No matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
When in doubt, mumble
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese.
You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your're counting start to hit the fence.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Everything is possible, except skiing through revolving doors.
I myself have never been able to find out what precisely feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat
"What does this button do?" started the World War II.
The word "why" is what put my second grade teacher into the Ayslum. Why?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are dressing up as mattresses?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?
How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
