Author's Notes- Plain layout for this, as it's a very long novel I am currently writing. It may not make much sense to anyone besides my friends but knock yourself out if you want to go ahead and read it. Based on the nicknames we have been given at some point
Jamie- Antichrist Girl
Mark- Lord Smagnus
Jenny T- Sedusa
Becky- Cold Girl
Lorna- Fat Ass Girl
Jenny K- Spangly Girl
Gary- Doctor Garigor
Ominous music plays as we see a tall, black skyscraper silhouetted against the stormy sky. As a lightning bolt flashes across the sky, we see a shadow cast against the largest window on the top floor.. that of a hideous, multi-headed beast...
*~*~* Inside *~*~*
“Bob, stop breathing on the windows,” Antichrist Girl said absent mindedly. “I’ll take you out for a walk when it stops raining,” The multi-headed serpent obediently stopped, and went to his basket, hissing at the fat sleepy old dog Boo who was snoring happily on the floor. Boo yelped with fright and leapt into Fat Ass Girl’s arms.
“You should let that thing get more exercise!” Fat Ass Girl scolded. “Boo is all upset now.. go take it for a walkie. You can use your wings as an umbrella,”
“Stop talking about my wings!” Antichrist Girl wailed. “I can’t help being an evil demonic being sent to end the world and kill all those who won’t take the mark of the beast on their hand or fore-” She was silenced by a well-aimed freeze ray from Cold Girl who was most tired of hearing the Antichrist’s speech. Which had been said before, once or twice. A day. Anyway, Cold Girl was bored. She’d spent the last few hours trying to coax Bob into eating her sidekick Jimmy, who was unfortunately still alive.
“Gee whilickers!” Jimmy said for the tenth time that hour. “Will you look at the weather?” He pointed enthusiastically.
Lord Smagnus closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then to twenty. Then he opened his eyes and punched through the door as he frequently did when annoyed. There was scattered applause from Antichrist Girl and a snort from Fat Ass Girl who never admired anything Lord Smagnus did.
“Fat ass...” Lord Smagnus whispered quietly. She heard. She growled. She leapt upon him and hit him repeatedly. Bob leapt out of the way, alarmed. Boo snored. Antichrist Girl flew safely out of the way. Cold Girl was sat in the refrigerator in the kitchen, and so did nothing. Jimmy got punched and possibly impaled a few times, but no-one really cared. Lord Smagnus emerged, scratched yet alive, victor of yet another bitch fight.
“What are we doing today..?” whined the previously unmentioned Sedusa, annoyed after losing £5 to the Antichrist betting that Fat Ass Girl would actually win.
“Try to take over the world?” pondered Smagnus, stroking his fluffy pet Persian Precious. “We usually do that when there’s nothing on TV,”
“Hmm,” meditated the Antichrist. “Those pesky heroes always get in the way though,”
“It’s alright for you,” Sedusa whined. “You don’t even have a nemesis!”
“Heh..” the Antichrist was blissfully ignorant of any such nuisance that might live only to foil her wicked plans. “But I’m sure there must be one out there.. somewhere,” She gazed fretfully out of the window and hid under the table from any passing heroes in a sudden attack of paranoia. “Hey, what’s this?” She noticed a thick, heavy book propping up the wobbly table.
“Don’t touch it!” Cold Girl screamed, but no-one heard her in the refrigerator except for some frozen orange flavour ice lollies. Too late. There was a hiss, a sizzling sound, and the Antichrist was hovering up in the furthest corner with a burnt hand.
“It’s the bloody Bible,” Smagnus said, inspecting it.
“Why does it burn?” whimpered the poor Antichrist who was much hurted.
“I think it mentions you in here...” Smagnus flicked through it, spilling his coffee everywhere because the table was once again wobbling. "Jimmy, go prop up the table!" He commanded, shoving Jimmy's head under the wobbling table leg. “Oh,” He looked up. “You DO have a nemesis!”
“Who? Who?” He tried to read, but it was somewhat disconcerting when you had the Antichrist hovering behind you trying to read over your shoulder.
“The Messiah...” There was a shocked silence, then he read on further and burst out laughing. “You didn’t tell me you were ‘Born of a jackal!’”
There was much laughing, while the annoyed Antichrist tried to steal the book from Smagnus and burnt herself further. “We need to research,” Sedusa said sensibly. “To the Antichrist’s collection of old horror films!”
From this collection of old horror films they had learned everything a good evil company needed to know. How to spot a good guy, how to take over the world, the coolest looking way to execute someone...
“The Antichrist trilogy!” Cold Girl smiled triumphantly. “Remember the plot, Antichrist Girl?”
“Of course! It’s about this baby called Damian and he-”
“Aaahhh, let’s watch it again anyway,” Smagnus said, happily. “You can never have too many horror films and there's five hours to waste until Gardener's World,"
Four or five hours later they sat watching the credits as the picture of the dead Damian filled the screen and sweet angelic music played. Antichrist Girl was in tears. Smagnus was laughing hysterically at the thought of Antichrist Girl dying in the same way. Sedusa was sensibly making plans to kill every young boy in the world, thus eradicating the Messiah once and for all. “THINK, Antichrist Girl,” she said. “You must remember waking up one day and feeling the presence of the Messiah descending to Earth, the agonising pain as he came to free us from your evil..”
“I thought it was PMT,” she argued, reasonably enough. “But I do remember the date.. it was about five years ago,”
“So we’re looking for a four, five or six year old baby boy,” Cold Girl said, emerging from her refrigerator in a blast of cold air. “Well that bloody well narrows it down,”
“Shall we go out and have a look around for some?” Smagnus suggested. “I think the sidekicks need exercise anyway..” This was a reasonable statement, as Bob the serpent was currently swallowing Jimmy whole. Cold Girl groaned. She’d been hoping that no-one would notice him dying.
They headed towards the elevator, blissfully unaware of the suave man in a tuxedo who was currently infiltrating the building.
The suave man wasn’t having fun. He discovered that there were less infra-red sensors and closing doors as one might expect from a corporate bastard’s security system, and a hell of a lot more spiked pits and ancient curses. He dashed along yet another corridor, rolling safely under the descending door as boulders crashed behind him, and stood up straightening his tie, to find himself inside the conference room of the evil company itself. A blue haired young lady was being helped out of a refrigerator by a tall, staff wielding sorceress with live snakes growing amongst her hair. He quirked his eyebrow in his charming English way and turned to the corporate bastard himself, who was sat at the head of a highly polished table with a fluffy white Persian on his knee. “Lord Smagnus, I presume?” He asked. “The names Blond... James Blond,”
“Ahh, Mr Blond,” Smagnus smiled as he span his chair round for that particularly evil effect. “I have been expecting you,” He stroked Precious, who promptly hissed and bit him. He tried to hide his watering eyes as he kept James Blond talking to divert his attention from the other evil members who were closing in behind him.
“I know what you’re planning, Smagnus,” James Blond’s hand slid to his pocket, no doubt planning to pull out another handy spy toy. He turned his head slightly, at the sound of Sedusa sneezing. Smagnus panicked, and distracted Blond by jumping on the table.
“I have something to confess, Mr Blond!” He intoned, improvising quickly. “I... er, WANT you!” He removed his pants and did a funny little dance to distract until Cold Girl was finally close enough to freeze Blond from behind with a well aimed freeze ray.
Some time later...
“Owieeeee,” James Blond awoke some time later to find the Antichrist standing there blasting him with a hair dryer. “He’s defrosted!” She called out, and the rest of the evil company stopped playing tiddly winks and came to see.
James Blond shook his head. There was a girl.. or a demon... or something with wings and a cheap plastic hair dryer. There was a blue haired young lady sucking an orange ice lolly which clashed horribly with her hair. There was a Corporate Bastard kicking the shit out of a small fluffy Persian. There was a young lady (With a fat ass) kicking the shit out of the Corporate Bastard, wearing a vest emblazoned with the letters F.A.G, standing presumably for Fat Ass Girl. And there was another girl currently poking him with a staff which shot purple sparks from the end in a most worrying manner.
“Who are you and who sent you here?” Sedusa asked nicely.
“I’ll NEVER tell you!” He retorted heroically. The four-inch stiletto wearing Sedusa stamped on his.. pants region rather hard. He screamed.
“I’m an insurance salesman?” He tried weakly.
“BASTARD!” Fat Ass Girl leapt upon him and squashed him with her fat ass, shouting abuse about insurance salesmen all the while.
“Calm down,” Lord Smagnus removed Fat Ass Girl. “He’s lying,” Sedusa raised one stiletto clad foot and looked at him. He screamed.
“I’m-from-a-rival-company-of-true-heroes-dedicated-to-saving-the-world-from-your-evil!” He stuttered, trying to scramble to safety. Bob hissed threateningly.
“BASTARD!” Fat Ass Girl leapt upon him again and squashed him with her fat ass, shouting abuse about heroes all the while. Lord Smagnus didn’t pull her off this time, but joined in.
James Blond may have been blond (infiltrating a company of evil on his own?) but during the struggle a smoke bomb he had stashed in his Secret-Agent-brand-thong-with-useful-spy-toy-pockets went off, filling the room with smoke. During the confusion he stumbled to the window and leapt out, luckily landing on a passing truck which was transporting nice comfy pillows.
“Fuckedy fuck fuck,” Cold Girl was unhappy. She wanted to kill the nice man and he’d gone and buggered off. “Shall we go look for him?”
“Messiah first,” The Antichrist was determined. “I want to kill it before it’s big enough to fight back,” The others shrugged and agreed. It made sense.
“Are we short of anything, while we’re going out?” Sedusa said practically. “I need more basic potion ingredients and a human sacrifice,”
“Precious needs neutering,” Smagnus said murderously. “Let’s call by the vet’s...”
“We only have one vat of black nail polish left,” Fat Ass Girl reported from the store room. "And spangly pink with metallic stars just doesn't scream 'I am pure evil' in quite the same way". Smagnus huffed and hid his hands.
“I need water..” Jimmy-the-sidekick said weakly, but no-one was paying attention.
The evil people did attract attention, being all dressed in black wearing sunglasses and leading an assortment of sidekicks after them (A panther, a Persian, a camp boy in lycra, a dog called Boo and a multi-headed fire breathing horned serpent with a blasphemous name written upon each head, called Bob for short). And there were some other minor points, such as Sedusa’s snakes-for-hair, the Antichrist’s demonic wings which kept getting in the way of passing small aircraft and overhead pylons, and Cold Girl’s blue hair and icy aura.
“Oooh, I see small boys!” Sedusa yelped, pointing to a playground. Children of all ages ran around, playing happily, the air filled with their happy voices, their chubby faces alight with happy smiles, and everything was so bloody happy that she could hardly resist storming in and dismembering a few.
“Right,” Fat Ass Girl whispered. “Lord Smagnus, you creep in and hang around and talk to the children to gain their trust. Offer them lollipops and tell them to go play with Bob, that’s when YOU, Antichrist Girl, will bag the children and Cold Girl, you freeze them and Sedusa will help you take them back to our centre. Meanwhile, I shall distract the parents...”
Smagnus leaned casually against the climbing frame. A small red haired boy regarded him warily. “What you looking at, kiddo?” He enquired politely.
“You look stupid,” The kid replied honestly.
“Oh, really?” Smagnus wondered if he could punch through a small child as well as he could punch through a door. He counted to ten, then opened his eyes and smiled widely.
“Would you like this yummy lollipop?” He asked the small child in the sweetest tones he could manage.
“Hell no, freak,” The small child scowled.
“How about...” Smagnus fumbled frantically in his pocket. “This lovely joint!”
“Wow!” The child was won over, and followed him to the waiting Antichrist.
Meanwhile, Fat Ass Girl was causing a diversion. She pushed Jimmy-the-sidekick out onto the playground. “Hey look everybody!” She called out from her safe hiding place. “It’s that PAEDOPHILE!”
The angry parents stormed out and jumped upon Jimmy, who ran for his life while Smagnus lured the kiddies away with promises of drugs. While they all patted Bob and pointed at the funny lady with the wings, Cold Girl froze them with her evil freeze rays and they were dragged away...
*~*Back At The Evil Headquarters*~*
“Ok, kiddos,” The Antichrist paced in front of the large room full of young boys. “I know that one of you is the Messiah. Are you going to own up, or let all these innocent young children die?”
There was silence, then the kiddies burst into tears simultaneously. Cold Girl hid in the refrigerator. Lord Smagnus dived under his highly polished table. Sedusa hissed and leapt up on top of a wardrobe and refused to come down. Fat Ass Girl tried to dive under the table too, and knocked it over with her afore-mentioned fat ass. The Antichrist flew up and hid on the ceiling fan, refusing to fly back down until Lord Smagnus sensibly turned it on and removed her by those violent, yet effective means.
“JUST-FUCKING-KILL-THEM-ALL!” He bellowed, over the noise of the city’s entire population of young boys. Bob hissed agreeably, and ate the nearest one. The Antichrist shrugged, and picked up her ‘Big Fuck-Off Flamethrower Gun Thing’ and prepared to flame the lot of them.
“REPENT, OH EVIL ONE, FOR I AM HERE!” A voice intoned.
Antichrist Girl leapt with fright. “Who the hell is that?” Fat Ass Girl yelped.
“I AM THE BEGINNING, THE END. I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA!”
The evil people looked around and saw-
A young fellow of about 4 or so, with fluffy blonde curls and angelic blue eyes, hovering just outside the window with the help of his fuzzly pink angel wings. He spoke again in a frankly terrifying and deep tone.
“LEAVE THESE INNOCENT BABES AND FACE ME, BEAST!”
Antichrist Girl was currently hiding in the wardrobe that Sedusa was sat on top of. Her rather muffled voice emerged “What does it say about this in the Bible, Smagnus?”
Lord Smagnus removed the Bible that was once again propping up the table (earning a truly evil look from the Messiah) and flicked through it frantically. “Er.. er, it says you will be ‘cast alive into a lake of fire’ and that seems to be it..”
“IT IS TIME TO END ALL THIS EVIL! ALL OF YOU WILL JOIN THE BEAST IN ETERNAL TORMENT!” The baby roared, then flew straight through the window.
Cold Girl struggled out of the refrigerator and raced for the elevator, followed by a blast of pink bubbles from the Messiah. The Antichrist whimpered pathetically as the Messiah wooshed towards her... “PREPARE TO DIE, OH EVIL ONE!” The baby roared, preparing to fire yet more pink bubbles.
“Please, forgive me!” She cried. “Don’t kill me- I can change!”
The baby thought for a moment, then turned. “SEE, MY GOOD CHILDREN,” it addressed the petrified kiddies. A serene golden glow surrounded it. “I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, AND I FORGIVE ALL THOSE WHO COME UNTO ME EVEN IF THEY ARE THE SPAWN OF SATA-” It was cut off at this point as the Antichrist fired the contents of a ‘Big Fuck-Off Flamethrower Gun Thing ’ straight into its unprotected back.
There was cheering from all evil people present, as the reincarnated Messiah was reduced to pink goo. There was no sound at all from the small children who were traumatised to the point of losing the ability to speak. The Antichrist quietly fainted into Sedusa’s arms.
“Well, one hero down, another four to go,” Cold Girl said cheerfully, helping Lord Smagnus to scrub bits of Messiah from the highly polished table. The Antichrist was throwing a frisbee for Boo, Bob and Boz who had cleaned up any large pieces of Messiah in their efficient way. “Do we have any alcohol?” Cold Girl asked, emerging from the refrigerator empty-handed.
“Run out and get some,” Smagnus said absent mindedly, being busy planning ways to drain a few countries of their resources. "No wait, go steal some. That's so much more evil"
“Run out and get some,” She repeated. “You make it sound so simple.. not a 60 floor dash through various traps set up to kill intruders,”
“Rappel down the side of the building then,” Fat Ass Girl suggested, still absorbed in a game of tiddly winks with Bob, who was losing due to having no real limbs.
Cold Girl and the Antichrist eventually left with a long list of alcohol related orders. Cold Girl tied a rope to the highly polished table and absailed down the side of the building while Antichrist Girl hovered along side. “I can see into the male staff toilets!” Antichrist Girl shrieked in a worryingly girly way, as they reached the tenth floor. “I like that security guard,” She pointed.
“Too bad he’s gay,”Cold Girl pointed out the copy of The Gay Times that the security guard was.. ahem, pleasing himself over.
“ARE-YOU-GETTING-THE-BLOODY-ALCOHOL?!” Lord Smagnus bellowed, looking down on them with his head stuck out of the top floor window. “I’LL-CUT-THE-BLOODY-ROPE!”
Cold Girl flicked her middle finger, then reluctantly continued on her way. A passing man gawped at the sight of a blue haired young lady abseiling down the side of a large skyscraper with the Antichrist flying alongside. She shot a freeze ray at him, felt better and continued to the nearest shop.
“Intoxicating liquers, sugary substances, shiny stuff to stare at when intoxicated..." Antichrist Girl wandered round gathering stuff. And then just as they were leaving....
A small baby sat gurgling happily in its pram. It had innocent blue eyes and golden curls and a chubby little baby face. And as the Antichrist and Cold Girl passed by, it opened its little rosebud mouth-
“I’M WATCHING YOU, DEMON! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE!”
*~*At the Evil Headquarters*~*
It was worryingly quiet, Lord Smagnus reflected as he sat alone at the head of his Highly Polished Table. Cold Girl was in the refrigerator with the blackcurrant ice lollies and frozen peas, Fat Ass Girl was probably eating or planning ways to annoy him and Antichrist Girl had disappeared into the broom cupboard with four friends that she ‘knew from the Pony Club’. Death, Pestilence, War and Famine. They seemed nice enough blokes, if a little eccentric. Smagnus glanced out of the window and saw the four horses they had arrived on, wandering bemusedly around the car park. Wasn’t a helicopter, or limousine, or similarly evil transport good enough for these people? Were ponies the new black limousine? He'd have to invest in one. He phoned his personal assistance and ordered 25 ponies, preferably in Midnight Black and the most expensive model available.
Where was Sedusa? In the kitchen brewing some potion she described as ‘pain distilled’. Smelled scrummy anyway. He toyed with the idea of winding up Fat Ass Girl, then realised she wasn’t actually there.
He poked the snoozing cat.
“Do something interesting!”
Precious bit him rather viciously.
Smagnus resumed his musings.
Smagnus ended his musings five seconds later.
Bob looked up with his multiple heads.
Bob shrugged amicably (if a multi-headed serpent COULD shrug) and disappeared.
Smagnus waited expectantly, and didn’t hear any agonised screams. He sighed. A fly droned. A faint shriek came, probably one of the security staff caught in a trap. Silence...
“Look at the PONIES!” Fat Ass Girl crashed into the conference room, dragging the four horses behind her. “I found them outside!”
“I believe they are the property of the four scythe-wielding skeletons currently residing in there,” Smagnus pointed to the broom cupboard. Fat Ass Girl was too busy cooing over the horses to pay attention.
“Aren’t you just BOOTIFUL?” she giggled, kissing the pale horse who seemed to go even paler than before. “I’ve called her Honeysuckle!”.
“You can’t keep them,” Smagnus said patiently. “They belong to the four pony club members who no doubt require them for some jolly gymkhanas or whatever it is these people do,”. The four ‘pony club members’ chose that moment to appear, their meeting with the Antichrist no doubt at end.
“Brought your horses to you, gentlemen,” Smagnus beamed brightly. “To save you having to walk all the way down our many, many floors...” He trailed away under the withering glare of the Horsemen.
“TALLY-HO!” Death leapt onto Honeysuckle who whinnied and burst out of the conference room at a gallop. The rest of the Horsemen followed, leaving Fat Ass Girl looking rather woeful. “Are they really Pony Club members?” She asked doubtfully.
“Yes,” the Antichrist said, looking shifty. “We were discussing the.. umm, price of horse worm treatments,”
“I have a potion to get rid of those luv!” Sedusa called from the kitchen. “Get me some rue picked by the light of the moon, earth from a stillborn child’s grave and a pickled egg, and I’ll make some,”
“It’s quite alright,” Antichrist Girl declined politely.
“So,” Cold Girl emerged from the freezer/occasionally morgue. “What evil plans have we got today?”
Blank looks from all. Bob sneezed and coughed up a hairball, which was remarkable as he had no hair at all. Fat Ass Girl gazed wistfully at the door through which the Horsemen had left.
“Mmm... I could call the Whore of Babylon and see if she wants to have another shot at the Apocalypse,” Antichrist Girl suggested doubtfully. “The Horsemen.. ah, Pony Club members were busy elsewhere,”
“The Whore of Babylon, eh?” Fat Ass Girl frowned. “That tart with the mini-skirt? Who tried to rape me? And molested Furry Boo?”
“She’s a lovely girl,” Lord Smagnus said dreamily, nodding and smiling.
*~* Some time later *~*
The Whore of Babylon snapped her gum and leaned back in her chair. In SMAGNUS’S chair, at the head of his Highly Polished Table. Bitch! He shot her an evil look of death. She fluttered her mascara clogged eyelashes seductively, creating quite the breeze. He melted.
“So, like, why are you all even interested in ending the world?” She asked, in her irritating Essex-y whine.
“It all dates back a long time ago,” Cold Girl pondered. “Back when this loveable group of misfits and comedy cartoon villains were just ordinary 16 year olds....”
Ordinary? Well, yes. Except for Antichrist Girl being born from a jackal and bearing the mark of the beast. And Cold Girl, who was incidentally raised by a kindly family of snowmen after being abandoned as a child, leaving her with an intense dislike of warmth. And then there was Fat Ass Girl, who then had a slightly large (yet beautiful) ass, and was of course possessed by Yuki. Yuki was a sumo wrestler and Fat Ass Girl’s spiritual guide. And there was Sedusa. As a child on holiday in Peru, she’d got locked inside a freaky temple place and came out able to talk to the dead and capable of wreaking havoc by merely pointing and saying random Latin words. Then there was the Corporate Bastard, who was just an evil git. But ordinary, yes. Until something happened. Something which unleashed their comedy cartoon powers...
*~*A Nuclear Reactor (original!) Years Ago*~*
“Look children! A vat of highly unstable radioactive goo!” The Chemistry teacher pointed to his final year group who were having marvellous fun on the science trip to the nuclear reactor. They all looked over the oh-so-thin metal rail from their unstable position on a tiny platform above the vat and nodded, taking notes like the good kiddies they were. Actually, Jamie and Jenny were dreaming, Becky was conducting her own little experiment and dropping things into the goo, and Mark and Lorna were having a bitch fight.
“Fat ass...” Mark whispered. There was a growl, and Lorna swung round to hit him, cleverly managing to smash everyone with her ass, knocking them all off the platform and into the glowing green radioactive-type stuff.
Who would have guessed that nuclear goo made people into comedy cartoon villains and didn’t make them grow extra arms and stuff? Either way, as they emerged they found they had changed. And not only that, but some evil townies had also fell into the goo and become... even more evil. Their sworn enemies had also gained special powers!
Well, it certainly made fitting in at school hard. How did you explain that little Lorna had flattened the snack machine because the sumo wrestler that lived inside her wanted ORIGINAL flavour Polos and they only had spearmint? Or explain how Jenny couldn’t help reducing the classroom to a smoking heap every time they did Latin? Or that Becky couldn’t help causing the pipes to freeze and burst every time she entered the school? Eventually, they got tired of it and ran away to get revenge on society for having low safety standards at nuclear reactors and not accepting mutated freaks.
“..So that is why we want to end the world,” Smagnus finished explaining, only to notice his chair was empty. “Hey, where did she go?”
There was a high, girly shriek.
“Oh my God! She’s raping Jimmy!” Cold Girl gasped. They all looked at each other and shrugged indifferently