An open-faced diary without
served up by 3singingeagles, with unflinching attempted honesty and OF COURSE love
Unedited raw feelings ahead. Proceed only if you are a warrior or at least a warrior-wannabe.
HERE TO GOTO LATEST ENTRY
October I think it's the 6th, a Saturday
Well well well, at the computer lab at college. My hands are freezing cold numb. I think I'm gonna go outside and have a few puffs of a cigarrette and massage my hands then come back cause this feels extremely freaky already!
Not gonna write much today, since time is running short in the computer lab and I wanna test the link and make sure its all copasetic kine etc fore' I shove off for the weekend.
Spect' to hear from me on Monday, on County fairs, babies, conspiracy and physics theories, love of nebula, and other assorted oddities.
If you are reading this, you are a person who is especially beloved to me. I hope your life is
October 8 mebbe Monday
Zip zang zoon
Dreams invaded by your force
Your MANA invading my territory your
MANA entering my fucking
In the name of all that is Holy
Enter it for real?
Sin cer lee,
Eagles singing three.
What price is paid
For gifts? What does he WANT for this car, what
That he HAS NOT ALREADY GOTTEN FROM ME
The Hawk, he is attached, trying too hard not to be, how can I pay the price
He asks? I cannot love him. Well, I do love him. But not
No, not the way a woman should love a man who is so tortured by his feelings towards her so
Willing, fierce warrior as he is, to,
CRY IN HER ARMS AND HAIR AND BARE BELLY IN THE NETTED MOONLIGHT
It feels I cannot even let anyone in to my body anymore
Not even the Hawk-man, the big soft man in aloneness with me
So tough everywhere else, no,
His eyes and strong arms and good heart cannot even win me,
I AM LOST
I saw the man I love, I, who never would love just one man, who had,
TOO MUCH LOVE'
(and, of course, power)
To give all to one man! How selfish of a Queen twice over, a once upon a time and still yet till my daughter gets the robe I guess
High Priestess, one of 8, Celtic mist of dragons breath snaking through trees am I still Mistress Of The Branches my
Ungreatful hateful daughter, how COULD she hold this sacred post,
And, the prophecies say that she will die before me, will I have to take it back then,
Or, will she have passed it to that amazing and wonderful spirit, my beautiful granddaughter, Samantha, will she,
Even accept The Cloak if I were to mail it to her
Would she send it back unopened. I don't know. I don't know anything! I
With more titles and statuses than are listed here and that I even
WANT TO LIST
Oh, I'm so tired,
I'M SO CONFUSED! hOW CAN i LOVE THIS MAN SO WELL
That NO one, not,
The Hawk, Muscle man Michael, other men that adore me, none
Can fill me! My heart,
IS CONFUSED! AND I DO NOT LIKE THIS
Oh, think you that I have not
TRIED EVERY POSSIBLE MAGICK SPELL, PRAYER, etcetera already
TO CURE ME OF THIS IMPOSSIBLE LOVE
Yes, just yesterday, with him, oh, how I let him lie,
How I let him talk about superficials with the door open
How I let him go on about night crowing chickens and his bent gun that ain't killin em as good as they used to when
When I KNOW he has been dreaming me when I
KNOW he has been calling to me, often, his soul crying, oh, beloved,
Is it as hard for you? You, who know you could lay in my arms and weep and weep and I would hold you and I would not move or make a sound to distract you, yes, I would let you weep, we'd melt. We'd melt, I
Oh, god, I cannot write any more. I am starting to weep. I shall leave
this computer lab right now else I shall flood here, coffee, sit a while,
I'll be back later guys, this is too much, I'm not used to be confused
I'm used to being sure I'm used to
Love that does not ache my soul that I feel that my very heart shall burst.
No, probubly not. You'd look at me, pregnant, with no man on my arm or by my side OR WHATEVER THE FUCK not thinking that he could be working or at home or doing some service work in the community or out at church or out at the cock fights or out doing drugs bleeding his self esteem out of his arm somewhere no you wouldn't think about that would you yes you would and
Also, sometimes, someone slices your beautiful prose to smithereens with a blunt pen because one time in their life they had to give up their Great Love and they'll be damned if you even write a story about you and yours crumbling together under the Buddha and/or poems about melting candleic together, I won't even slash that one with my pen I'll give it back to you cause it means so nothing to me I don't even want it in my office and/or in my files
I CAN eat alone! You, FUCKING BITCH, CAN give me small portions of Poke and I CAN fucking eat it alone you goddamned bitch cause of course that's what the alleged friend would want she likes to see me bleed tears I can't please either of you maybe I'll just
Gorge out on food then go fuck the man I really love, and call him to
me Circe maid to the sea to my place where I let the FUCKING OCEAN GRAB
ME AND RUN WITH ME at night, yes, the place where I surrender and all my
dreams, all that I identify with, EVERYTHING, runs into the sea, runs,
run with me, yes, that's what I'll say, all the stupid restricting voices
of dead people that are still looking like they're alive cause they're
walking around in bodies and stuff, all of that and more dissolved around
us as we run, yes, run not with the wolves but
Very much like them, sinews rippling, loyal hearts unto each other, as they have been through time and immense history, fuck em' all, my love, bring your coral and come to me, only this time to a place where we are not so exposed, it was I,
Who chickened out today. You came to me. Oh, how I could have looked into your eyes with all the expression of love held inside for so long tortured spectacle
It was I, I the one who called you a coward, who continued the small talk, who did not weep, take your hand, make you rub the shavings of coral onto my open receptive palm, oh, what can this dance be, you kept part leaving then returning, oh god, how you love me, what am I to do,
When you finally taffy pulled the psychic sinews of youI apart, I, after watching you fade from my view, out of the side of my eye, I, Oh god, A LADYBUG LANDED on the camera bag that was in my lap since I had been loading the camera sitting on the rock under the tree ther, when you came up, I, OH MY LOVE, the lady bug landed on that bag HOW FORTUITOUS was the first thought that came into my mind, till ms. bug,( oh, she was a most pretty orange, )till she kicked one of the "sand-shards" of coral like it was afootball, while exploring the landscape of my bag. She kicked it a few times more.I guess just to make sure I new it was not a fluke, or maybe just cause it felt good to her little lady-bug foot.
Guess it's not really WRONG to say that she was blessing my camera which was preparing to go and take the first photos for the new and upgraded tree tour webpage. Yet I had to rush her in to you. I was in a hurry and you were on the phone but I had to show her to you I
Thought, perhaps, she meant that luck was kicking us around, you know, the fallen parts, much like the coral dust on the
Bag of visual realities seen in the fantasy mode
The sensual life I choose, and that I want you to try with me,
You free spirit, you and I, running in the moonlit ladybugged waves of oceana fortuna. no one will stop us.
If I should die before I wake........
Where will they find me? What will be the last thing I had written? Will it have significance at all? Teh. Not sure of anything anymore.
Think I'll make this short tonight. Up to Jim's for steak dinner, pick up car in morning allegedly..... sigh...... she pays prices too steep and cheapened in desperation, well, the vets have come through again, is it really so bad to give comfort to another human being, even though my heart is so elsewhere
It may be a good
exercise in trying to be here now. On the outside it looks as if I'm so
here and so productive and such a good present mother and all that shit
and still I find myself gasping for air floating in the psychic zone, the
powers rushing through me are so intense, to not be drinking OR using drugsOR
having sex OR HARDLY EATING ISPROBUBLY TOO MUCH AT ONCE...
Anyway, at least
I'll have steak tonight
Grounding? Well, it's worth the experiment
To see if the meat
Can keep me from floating off.
And still I drift
In the seas of you
This love is
TOO LONG rediculously intense there
Has not been a MINUTE, a MOMENT that you have not been on my skin
In facing death
In playing cards
In playing life
In standing on coral-head beach with the wind in my face,
In eating a yellow apple,
List all?Why, I,
Can not continue tonight
To think of you and how you will be with me,
And my soul would weep tears if it was made of water.
October I think 14th mebbe Monday
I think I find the ultimate bliss inside of my soul. If only! If only I could cup it in my hand, toss it into the air, and allow it to Shower Down from the high place that my awesome tossing had taken it of course because I AM so awesome and also so generally beautiful, shower down upon all."Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like you do when nobody's watching."
Am rushing off real soon to Hawaiian field Biology, but anyways felt like touching base with you
I'm feeling kinda strange, like, meloncholy-and-I-don't-know-why. Remember in Star Wars when Obi-Wan said: "There's been a disturbance in the force"? Well, it almost feels like that. But, even, more personal.
I'm sad. You know, I believe I will always feel like "a stranger in a strange land" (Heinlein fans can frolic right about now). Why do I never feel like I belong anywhere? I know people love me, but I feel that no one can put it out, you know, there's all this theoretical love floating out there, but I don't see it, feel it, I
And I felt really sad just a few minutes ago. I was sitting on a bench near one of the weird modern art sculptures, smokin a cigarette, and I thought about how I was so dietized when I was young, then I thought of the day Beloved Professor Tan put my 3SE reflective initials on the board as an example of one of the "triune deitic systems" and how I joked about having been deitized in my life and how it's not all it's cracked up to be and like no-thank-you-very-much don't you see what they've done to Holy People throughout the ages and
Then I thought about how I found out he was dead, I mentioned him in Anthropology class and Kathy spoke about, "yes, the late Felix Tan" and I nearly bolted to the bathroom to throw up or cry or both I
I loved the man. And, unlike the non-active loves I have so regretted in this life, I showed him. He was to be the first guest on my new TV show but he won't be now cause he's dead.
My heart is weeping and bleeding
so much lately and I'm not quite sure how to
Stem the flow.
Some of my favorite numbers are here today but I'm so fucking sad I don't know what to do. I'm falling falling falling into a really deep depression. I feel as if I am completly alone. I am putting one heavy step in front of the other and I don't even know why anymore.
Yesterday, I had, on the outward appearance level, some wonderful things happen. Got the car from the Vets. He is wonderful, a good, strong car. A station wagon with a little seat in the back, don't think I've ever seen that. Of course, not sure it even matters cause I'm not able to figure out how to fold it down. Maybe there's a book in the glove compartment. I'm just too fucking tired to even look. I have so much to do today and I really feel like saying fuck it all. At least there's food for me in the car. Let me eat and see if I feel better on the other side of this (sigh). Oh, got initiated into honor society and elected secretary. There was another good thing that happened yesterday but I'm so funked I'm not even remembering it!
This font is called Omega. I like it.
Yeah, it's later. Remebered other thing that happened yesterday, was invited by the Live Poets Society to read poetry at Borders tomorrow night!
What a day! As soon as I got off the computer I was assulted by strings of people feeling the same irrational disturbance in the force since yesterday afternoon. Wonder what happened
Or, perhaps, the better question would be what DIDN'T happen?!? In this world today HELLO what a fuckin planet to be roaming at this point in history and yet
The smell of my baby's laugh,
the feel of his soft and tender neck,
The love I, yes, do recieve and real often by the way from so very many sources the
Sound of Savage Gardens songs on a sweet little cassette player the
Knowledge that I can, will even, drive from here tonight when my work is done, go to Borders to get a big blank hardcovered book for sketching, some seafood Pho from the Vietnamese place, drive to Baldwin, eat, sketch, pray, MAYBE LAUGH the
sister who is in prison, I just heard, my dear sister Jai-ma, can I go to the jail at 8AM and will they let me see her? I shall try
There's so much work to do here, yet, thus said, she needs to know I love her so......
You know, my great capacity to Love is an Honor to the Great Spirit that continues to, bravely and against EVERY SINGLE ODD THAT CAN BE STATISTICALLY FIGURED OUT AND ALL, keep me alive save me from
Murders and other such incredible malarky. No one seems to be able to kill me. At least, they haven't gotten me yet. So, may I BE EXCELLENT as a way to make these continual miraculous things worth a damn.
Everyone, I want to be the
Most Excellent Human Being THAT I CAN BE and
Please, I beg of you, can you help me?
I will wait for your embrace till the ends of the earth and beyond!
Another friend I met tonight had just given his last 20 dollars away to repay a debt he'd owed for years, since he had just run into the person he'd owed it to here on campus. He had no gas money.
It just so happened that a guy in a Monster Truck who was drunk off his ass and needed someone to talk to picked me up hitchiking last week, gave me 20 bucks when he dropped me off in Pa'ia, to thank me, and he asked me to please pay it forward to the next person I met that needed 20 bucks.
Magic is not really something
mystical or complicated, my dear ones. It's so fucking simple. As simple
I love you.
Aloha loved ones. Not much time to check in today. Finished typing in a 4 page story (double spaced typed full nearly minus margins pages) and it's all over the place as well as organized..... It's beautiful and terrible.... and
It needs work. This is the first story that's ever come through me that I felt needed work and lots of it right off, or at least that I didn't even feel comfortable sending to The One who reads all of what I send him and to whom I send the absolute and very
Toughest. Most intense. Stories that scream. Stories that cry, and then beg for breakfast.
Last night's poetry reading was interesting. Good, still digesting it though so I am loathe to pick it apart it was such a big-step thing for me
Had to breathe for a while before going in. Alone in my dark car in
the parking lot. I clutched my new hard-covered really cool sketchbook
that had some haphazadrly printed up poetry in it..... didn't even know
what was in there frankly, printed in between Math and interview with Flo
while downloading photos into computer and clearing the camera for future
images oh and also making a lei for Flo, knight in shining armor pulling
down..... holding down..... branch for Alohi and I, to pick, whole day
with her yesterday.... oh, jeez, so much to write! But I'm being picked
up in 15 minutes to go say goodbye to Francisco "the hat mans" guru/lama
and sit in on medicine buddha meditation should be
Real interesting after being "adjusted" this morning
Yet, anyways, SO MUCH MORE TO TELL YOU
Shit, guess the world can't be blown to fucking smithereens this weekend,
I really want to tell you the rest on Monday.
I love you,
Wrote this yesterday, well, last night. Thought you'd understand......
Like A Dog
By 3singingeagles Ma’hinahinahina Rose 10/20/01
To pooches and warm fires! (I
A winning combo!
I’m at Baldwin beach park.
It’s a Maui 10 PM
An island late night
A Friday, ALOHA Friday
Alcohol and drugs pouring down the throats, into the veins, into the lungs, into the deep well souls
Of the Work Week Weary, the dog tired,
The ¾ percent of Monday-Fridayers
The rest are working serving them up
Their tacos and tequiza and music and background noise for grabbing sex or
Are keeping their driveways free and their front doors open and their TVs on to sell pau hana buds or
Drivin around in their pickup trucks with their cell phones on for parking lot batu rendezvous
Through the night.
And, look! Here! While all the
world is busy getting wasted,
In war and flaming nationalism and religious fanaticism and other drugs
Here I am, with a big black dog which has decided to adopt me for the night,
Completely alone in a beach park pavilion
Small fire going, fragrant blend of hazelnut and limited-edition-year-of-the-Dragon coffee dripping (it was on sale, guess cause we’re well into the snake already, it’s a little old but still very pleasing, much like me)
Dripping through the small brown
Melita with the politically correct brown filter inside
Hot water over beach wood in a small tin pot
Steam and flame
And a dog, acting like a temple animal, posing
Near the fire
Here I am,
Writing poetry- only briefly
interrupted by a conversation with the dog,
While filling the pot with more water, for seconds, get every drip you can out of the hazelnut dragon,
And while BANGING sticks HARD against the side of the cement fireplace.
“Why can some humans BE SO DAMNED CRUEL
What IS it? Is it cause we have two legs? Cause I mean
You guys with four legs, you’re much more steady,
You’re more predictable! Humans
We’re shaky, we have two legs, oh, Ilio
(I say, addressing the species in Hawaiian now)
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WE’RE GONNA SAY OR DO (crack!) next!” (bang, crack, feed the fire, hit another twig against the fireplace, this feels good, try another one, it doesn’t break, a few times more, give up, feed it in whole, who CARES if it pokes out the front and partial-hovers in the air)
It’s getting late.
The waves are my only background music.
I am alone, I am truly alone,
I do not want to leave the fire, even though I have early downtown appointments
And my campsite down the road is noisy tonight
With two leggeds, trying their unstable best,
To be busy.
It seems everything is moving into an incredibly
luminous future for us, me and my babies I hope, fame and accolades come
to me but I'm so sincerly shy and I'm showering by moon and implied first-light
at beach parks, the pounding surf and my taunt nipples and my hot inner
parts and my tingeling thighs my only companions. The only witnesses to
the graceful beauty that is me unshethed and open and truly content. and
My oh my, people are FUCKING SHOWERING ME with honors, and positions, and titles (as if I don't have enough already hello) and accolades and I'm
A small, quiet, humble woman when I leave the whirlwind of Public Life,
Content alone in the ocean spun wind.
See ya Monday,
This is the first poem in my new notebook where I am hoping to write many poems for the Maui Live Poets Society. Yes, the reading went well, I was accepted, Embraced (!) and also asked to submit work to be included in the anthology, and even to go on poetry-retreats (wild campouts, look, we're MAUI poets, okay) GOD, how I wish I had a Writer-Artist mate who could trip with me sometimes, be seperate other times, breathe each other in and out, some one who also wanted children, so we could live together, he and Thor and Alohi and I, and maybe even Ayla, I
Oh, everythings up in the air
And I happen to be
Breathing it, wondering,
Why my dreams are so completly impossible.
Oh, what a life. I'm not sure what the next day brings, I do doubt if I will ever find someone who understands the rythems of the artist, intense in lovemaking, sometimes solituded, I wonder, how, why, things come up in my soul that I really have no reasonable explanation for.
Till Moon's day,
Queen, High Priestess, Spiritual Warrior (cheif of her clan), Vice president of the art club, Secretary of Phi Theta Kappa, Board member and secretary of student board of publications, lady writer on the TV, Ordinary Holy Fool, Lover. Friend. Mother. Grandmother. Goddess. Human Being. Prayer.
Shit I've been so busy I haven't written to you for a few days and even now I'm running off
My dreams are intense with The Beloved, what's going on and do I even need to know. These feelings I have when I wake up from spending the nights with him in the dream-world are so wonderful. I sat on a beach chair at Baldwin this morning, drinking fuzzy warm coffee, yes, fuzzy with the leftover icecream from last night, now melted, in it..... better than any dr. Evillls starbuck creation. MUCH better, oh god, you know, at moments like that should I die my contence would be The Cover Charge pre-paid for the UPPER HEAVENS I sware.
Am picking up Pi in Haiku today and going to the TV studio with him. There I hope to schedual the first episode of "beings human". It's time.
May be living in Kula with Thor within the week. Lots of gas money with my new tank/home on wheels, yet it's a fantastic nod from my Eagle Grandfathers to place me up there, hello.
There is so much more going on and I wish I had time to tell you, though,
I fear I may not till the morrow,
Know that whoever and wherever you are, my beautiful and tender heart goes out to you for all your suffering,
Celebrates with you for all your joy.
Dancing as usual,
And, no, I don't have much time now AGAIN I'm 'runnin off' to replace
a tire and get some ice cream, I have so much to share with you, look,
I'll be back later. Mucho love,
In case no body has told you today, you rule
Here's an e-mail I just sent, for shits -n- grins..........
"Visit my homepages~ :)
"Old one," now frozen in time, unable to be accessed to change, erasure, whatevers, will more -n- likely be in cyberspace foreva'
FACES OF THE MOON: http://www.angelfire.com/ma/hinahinahina/index.html
This one is chock full o'links to many old writings and poetry pages!
NEW ONE: (with diary and teleporting lightning bolt man for your enjoyment): "Wolf Eating Love Moon Goddess Pleaser" (yeah, really) AT:
May MUCH Aloha FILL your life!
Malama ko kino, Malama Pono, and a HUI HO AKU! :)
Aloha Dear one,
Actually, I have a vision for a piece of land with small homes on it for "Crones" (elder woman) many of us are homeless periodically, at the whims of fates, men who divorce and/or abandon us, etc. My friend here Michele Driscoll (Maui Community College Professer) has a very concrete vision, and she's looking for someone who has been through this kindof thing, and is now rich, specifically Martha Steward (!), to buy the land and build the buildings, and, I believe, give the houses with a modest piece of land around them to each of these (us) disenfranchised/"forgotten" brilliant beautiful useful luminous elder-woman.
Here's her e-mail, so you can get more of her vision straight from her. We will be using TV (I have an upcoming live show at Akaku called "Beings Human") and grant writing in this endevour. We will, should we prove sucessful, need a "concious" real estate person, preferably a woman because of the feminine aspect of this (my friend Jason is also very "concious", but it may be that only female energy is appropriate in this one).
Thank you for your time,
I have not called because I've had no resources to even think of needing your services at this point,but perhaps this is why we connected..... perhaps you have some way to make this vision happen ?!?
GREETING FOR THE NEW YEAR:
In the seasons
Of farewell, of hello, the door swing season,
I wish you,
A joyous next year,
And onward as well
For all the
Trippin light fandango feet beat ing
On hallowed ground which is all ground doncha know
Days of your Luminous life!
Joyous "Celtic" new year
All Saints Day
And, of course, the day following
"Once in a blue moon"
I hope whatever your heart decided last evening that would cause you
so much great joy and at the same time is 'completly impossible,'
In this new,
Moon of hope, enemy of fear.
I will close this diary now and start a new one. Here I will end with a photo, this year for the first time since photography class in college 19 years ago, I recognized myself as a photographer visably. I submitted a bunch of photos to "the Maui Review", our literary journal here at MCC. I took black and white photography back then. Developing and drying strips hung by wooden clothespins and printing as many copies as you could under the red light in the suffocating room till your eyes were just below the burn level from the chemicals, all but one of the photos I did for that class were included in the end-of-the-year exhibit. I've always had a good eye.
I am so incredibly beautiful and talented. Easy to get along with. Loving I
I am also, surrounded, by magic. Surrounded and infused and infected and sometimes even silenced by the intensity of it.
This photo is part of the intense "syncrohnistic" magic that is occurring
at ALL levels and constantly storm-surged waves POUNDING at the shore,
Wow. I gave my best-friend, Jason, a gift on his computer this past weekend. Installed Printshop pro.
When I went to show him the photo features, I put up the photo of me dancing with my shadow. He wanted to see the warp affect so I pulled it up, randomly picked a warp style, clicked on two spots on the photo
And, out came a yin-yang symbol. I recently found a piece of coral that has a very clear yin-yang symbol on it. Finding Buddhas on the beach. His Name in the stars that are my boudoir ceiling at night. Hot hope occuring
Every blue moon for impossible dreamers...........
More later, at the new page:
FLASH: STIMULATED DREAMERS MANIFESTING IMPOSSIBLES